Archive for the ‘Answer Us Back! Your time to opine’ Category

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Ahoy!

November 18, 2009

** Click here for Episode 117 **

Ed from Leicestershire has kindly written in to help Rick from East Dulwich through the intricacies of cruisewear, as broached in Episode 117:

Please can you tell Rich from East Dulwich that I went on a cruise about 1 month ago, and yes you do normally have to dress up and if you go on some certain cruises you get your picture taken on the first day which you have to look your best and it’s quite a smooth sail because it is soooo big and you have to make the classic excursion trip joke: is it an expensive sleep after being on the booze till half past 2 in the morning

Write that one down, Rick, and pop it in your evening jacket. Although judging by the tale of Megan in Surrey, perhaps you should just stay at home:

I recently got back from a shitty cruise with my shitty parents so just wanted to warn the guy worrying about his dinner suit not to lose any sleep because most people make no effort at all on gala evenings. Anyway, my parents complained about my obscene language when I was asleep in our shared cabin which I found extremely amusing (I woke them up screaming that I was “fucking stuck” in my bed and that I was “bloody scared” etc mega lol!!) so Helen answer me this: why do people talk in their sleep?

It’s probably caused by the stress of being trapped in a floating Butlins with your parents and several hundred retirees who wouldn’t hesitate to trample upon your tender young head in their rush to get to the lifeboats, or to the elevenses buffet.

Cheer up, Rick. Contrary to what our beloved listeners above might say, cruises look super-fun in the movies! Ok, NOT Titanic. Or A Night To Remember. Or Death on the Nile. Or that episode of Columbo where Robert Vaughn murders the lounge singer and tries to pin it on Dean Stockwell. But if you need persuading to don a smart suit and hop aboard, this might help:

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Uncle Ken saw Lisa Stansfield in an airport once…

November 17, 2009

** Click here for Episode 117 **

More of you have piped up about your famousest ancestors, inspired by Jack from Leeds in Episode 116. James says:

My most famous ancestor is my great auntie Margaret Maughan. She was the first Briton to win a gold medal in the Paralympics at the very first competition in Rome 1960. Her gold medal was in archery and I believe she is a great role to model to future Paralympic athletes and deserves recognition for her achievement. Here is a link in case you don’t believe me. Unfortunately I have never been able to meet her and so have never been able to express my gratitude towards her achievements.

That’s definitely a good one. See if you can top it, Tom from Rutland:

I dug around and found out that:
1. my grandmother’s milkman was Sean Connery;
2. my great-something uncle was Buster Edwards from the great train robbery, he even had a film made about him!!!

Tom has saved the best for last, though:

3. My aunt was in the training team for the mice, horse and ducks in Babe!

Bam! My mum baked the loaves of bread that were featured on the labels of Ruddles beer in the early 1990s, but Tom and James’s familial claims to fame have totally trounced that! But if any of you can outdo them, comment below.

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keeping mum

November 12, 2009

** Click here for Episode 116 **

A few of you have actually written in to complain that we’re no longer swearing enough for your liking, and that this must be symptomatic of us selling out or going soft. We assure you, this is not the case. We have merely passed the foul-mouthed baton onto you lot instead, as illustrated by the following charming stories inspired by Simon from Oxford‘s question in Episode 114. Like proud parents, we present the progress of Jim from Tewkesbury:

I’m a regular sort of middle-class guy from a regular sort of middle-class area. I have a regular sort of office job, with regular sorts of colleagues. I have invested many hours crafting a veneer of respectability through working diligently with a polite and helpful attitude.

This has served me well when offering dry remarks with my trademark deadpan delivery, as I have retained what I call, “the shock factor”. Perhaps once a month someone will turn to me agog at my latest crude/clever (usually crude) remark.

Following a recent constitutional along the prom whilst listening to your recordings, I found myself with a powerful new tool at my disposal, and the next day I used it to devastating effect with no thought for the consequences. I started an argument with a colleague just so I could deliver the premeditated closing line, “When can I fuck your mum again?” My victim was shocked beyond my wildest hopes.

Well done, Jim, you obtuse-minded cussbox. Let’s see how Steve from Cheltenham compares:

This Sunday my girlfriend and I drove past several lone magpies, which we consider to be bad luck. We both salute the magpies and wish that their wife and child were well, which is supposed to break the curse.

I was thinking to myself, “Fuck magpies, I’m sick of this saluting them bullshit, they are just birds”. It was the third magpie we passed that instead of saluting, I wound down the window and shouted, “When am I next going to fuck your mum?” The magpie didn’t respond, but later that evening our landlord called and said that we’d have to be out of our house by Christmas because he wanted to sell it.

p.s. the guy that first told me that magpies were bad luck (when I was about 14) he drowned, which fucked his day up a treat.

I think we’ve all learnt something from this; I’m just not sure what.

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go nuts for doughnuts

November 12, 2009

** Click here for Episode 116 **

Much like a doughnut itself, the discussion of doughnut holes begun in Episode 112 appears to have no end. Still no word from Johnny Ball regarding the veracity of his doughnut ‘knowledge’, so instead we present to you this clip, thanks to listener Lewis:

Nothing further, your honour.

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Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine | 3 Comments »

Don’t try this at home. At least not with kids present.

October 29, 2009

** Click here for Episode 114 **

In Episode 113 James from Portishead asked for advice about games to play at his daughter’s 7th birthday party. He should NOT play this game suggested by Andy from Swindon:

I used to work at a summer camp for kids and one of the people I was working with brought in a book of kids’ party games. Hidden among the usual favourites was a game called spankity spank. The rules of the game are as follows:

Person 1 sits on a chair.
Person 2 puts their face in person 1’s crotch.
The remainder of the people in the game take turns to spank person 2.
After each spank person 2 has to guess who is spanking them.
If they are right then the previous spanker has to take their place and be spanked and the game carries on.

Needless to say we did not play this one with the kids. We did however play it amongst ourselves once the kids had gone.

PS we kept our clothes on before Olly assumes that this is some kind of readers’ wives confession and the start of an orgy.

I thought this was inappropriate for a child at a party, but Andy from Swindon, you have scooped the win.

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My morning jacket

October 29, 2009

** Click here for Episode 114 **

It’s the question that has been keeping us awake ever since Episode 112, but sweet merciful Jesus has delivered Joanna in Southam to us to vanquish the mystery and, at last, lay our minds at rest:

I, as a previous backward blazer wearing school girl believe I can answer this question.

1) Basically we don’t want to wear them as they don’t fit well/are unflattering/it’s not cool.
2) However we are cold so need to hold them up to cover our fronts to keep us warm.
3) This also pleases our parents as it keeps them off the floor.

So there we go. Next week: why do they roll their sleeves up in Miami Vice?

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sweary child

October 14, 2009

** Click here for Episode 112 **

Oh, the shame of it.

We have caused a little problem for ‘Luxembourg’s Hottest Hausfrau’, Vanessa from Luxembourg from Episode 77, regarding her son Tom from Luxembourg, from whom we also heard in Episode 72:

As you know, my son Tom of Luxembourg fame and his dad listen to your show, however Tom has been swearing quite a lot and I fear you guys may have contributed to this.

I am struggling to find a suitable punishment, other than ban him from listening to your show but then his dad would let him listen anyway so that’s pointless. I could shove a bar of soap in his mouth, squirt washing up liquid down his throat. I have thought of having a swear box and fining him but he has no money.

Can you answer me this: How would you two stop an 11-year-old boy swearing?

Well, evidently we can only cause the opposite effect; so readers, any ideas?

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Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine, extracurricular questions, help! | 12 Comments »

When stag nights go bad

October 7, 2009

** Click here for Episode 111 **

Back in Episode 110 we asked you to share your grisly stag or hen night stories, since none of us have been on a particularly rotten one. Nor has Matthew from South Africa, but he sure has heard of a good one:

A close friend of mine, we’ll call him Bob, recently told me the full reason why his uncle wasn’t invited to his stag night.

It turns out that at a stag night many moons ago, Bob’s uncle tied the groom, naked, to a lamp post. A fairly normal and harmless gag in most circumstances.
However, it was the middle of Cape Town’s winter which, although not as cold as England, does mean rather low temperatures.

The combination of copious amounts of alcohol, being unclothed and a freezing wind caused the groom to suffer a heart attack. Bad enough.

However, for some unknown reason, when the ambulance arrived to cart the groom off to hospital, Bob’s uncle thought it would be a great idea to steal the ambulance and drive around town. He awoke the next morning at the wheel of the ambulance, parked many miles away, with his friend lying in the back of the ambulance on a stretcher.

They rushed to hospital and luckily the groom survived the incident, although he spent some time in a coma and the wedding never took place.
I’m unaware of whether or not the uncle faced charges, but I would imagine so!

Um…lordy. Well, if the Prague or Dublin tourist boards ever want to return their town centres to stag-free historical pleasantness, then they should definitely give Bob’s uncle a call…

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Canal boats – THE TRUTH!!!!

September 23, 2009

** Click here for Episode 109 **

Following Nick’s detraction of canal boaters in Episode 108, we received the following lively defence from Ian:

As I live on a narrowboat, I felt Nick presented a less than fair picture of the realities of life afloat. It is a jolly and cheap way of living, particularly in the middle of London, and is very good for parties in the summer, and cosy nights by the fire in the winter. I’ve been on my present boat for four years.

The speed limit (sorry to be a boring cunt) is there to prevent damage to the reed beds on the banks, and also boats can be shifted off their moorings if they bounce about on the water (most boats are only held in place by pegs driven into the ground).

Thanks Ian! Although what has a reed bed ever done for you in return, eh? Selfish reedy bastards!

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Three-way at the altar?

September 16, 2009

** Click here for Episode 108 **

So what have you kids got to say about last week’s episode?

Doug from Winnipeg, Canada writes:

I was interested to hear why seven years’ bad luck is thought to be the penalty for breaking a mirror. As the father of a family of Harry Potter fans I immediately thought that the Roman idea of seven-part broken souls must have been an inspiration to Ms. Rowling. I suspect that legal representatives for ancient Rome will be contacting her shortly requesting prompt payment of their share of book royalties.

Holy shit, Doug, are you suggesting that not all the ideas in the Pottery are entirely original? Call up Bloomsbury Books and give ’em hell! Then call up the Roman Empire and tell them they might be on schedule for a comeback.

On a completely unrelated note, Dave asks us this:

After listening to episode 108 I too have a best man-related question. Please help.

The man I want to ask, my best friend, has also in the past had a sexual interaction with my partner. Now my partner thinks this is a little weird. What should I do?

Your lady should hardly be surprised, Dave, that best friends have something in common. But that something would more conventionally be a mutual love of Aston Villa or watercolour landscapes, not her in a state of Rudeness. Perhaps she fears improper thoughts will assault her as the three of you stand in front of the altar, and leave her the wrong sort of blushing bride. Perhaps she fears the secrets that might spill forth during his best man speech. Perhaps she knows more about him than you do and simply doesn’t want a total sexual deviant to be your best man.

Whatever the reason, we are fairly sure of two things: 1. you really don’t want to find out more about it; 2. you don’t want to be forced to choose between your best friend and your wife elect. But listeners, what do you think?

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Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine, extracurricular questions, Rock the Vote | 4 Comments »

ringpull news

September 10, 2009

** Click here for Episode 107 **

It seems George from Redcar‘s ringpull collection has captured your imaginations as well as ours – or at least that of Terry from Shropshire, who emailed us to say:

After George from Redcar’s ringpull collection in episode 106 I thought you may find this article interesting. George has enough for 10 handbags and can raise awareness about sexual health in the third world with his collection – which is rather ironic I feel for someone who collects ringpulls (sorry George).

Careful, Terry – George is just doing this for a hobby; he doesn’t want to be putting homeless Brazilians out of business. OR DOES HE? There must be some reason for the collection, and that seems no less plausible than any other we can think of.

By the way – do any of the rest of you have a similarly barmy-but-impressive collection? If so, please tell us what it is in a comment below; we promise not to mock. (Unless you are a 40-year-old man with a room full of Hello Kitty emery boards, in which case we retract that promise.)

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Rebecca from London’s boyfriend speaks!

September 2, 2009

** Click here for Episode 106 **

Remember Rebecca from London‘s touching phonecall in Episode 105? The four years of international romance, and now that her boyfriend has finally immigrated to the same country as her, he’s living in a town a two-hour drive away and she’s living in despair?

Well, the other side of the coin has been revealed, for Mr Rebecca, AKA Androo in Brighton, has since been in touch! He says:

I’m from The Bahamas and have just recently moved back to the UK after some problems with Immigration – I had been living in London near my amazing, special ladyfriend but recently had to move to Brighton for work.

Unwittingly I have hurt her feelings, but I feel that an hour train ride is a lot easier than basically 24 hours of travel that costs around £1000 each time…so, answer me this:

How do I get my ladyfriend to stop getting drunk and calling popular internet podcasts to make me look like a twat? 🙂

Hide her phone? Pour her booze stash down the lav? Listeners, we hope you’re rooting for Androo and Rebecca as much as we are – so please comment below with your suggestions for resolving their less-long-distance relationship.

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