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baby gender agenda

October 17, 2013

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT274 •••

There’s a grand heritage of stupid ways through which to discover the sex of your unborn baby. The Chinese gender calculator. That thing where someone dangles a wedding ring on a string over the bump and observes in which direction it swings. Apparently if you walk with your right foot first, it’s a boy, but if your left boob is bigger, it’s a girl. And in the 15th-century Distaff Gospels, they recommended sprinkling salt on the head of a sleeping mother, then waiting till she wakes up and says a name, the gender of which will be the same as the baby.

But Clare from Sutton Coldfield suggests people shun all these:

Having listened to the latest episode whilst feeding my five week old baby, I felt the need to wade into the “find out or not debate”.

Conversely to Helen I did not want to find out the sex as I was hoping for a girl and knew I could only cope with a boy if I actually had my baby in my arms rather than worrying about it for months. (I had a girl, panic over!!)

The other point worth remembering is that scans can be misread. We have friend who were told in two scans they were having a girl only to have a boy. I guess not knowing is an easier surprise to handle than this!

Hmm. I wonder if the salt-on-head method is more accurate than the scans.

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We need to talk about Kevin (Bacon)

October 17, 2013

Kevin-Bacon

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT274 •••

Many of you have piped up to defend this sort of thing, including James:

In AMT274, Helen said Kevin Bacon ‘didn’t need to do the EE adverts’. Sadly he does – he and his wife lost SOOOOOO much of his money due to the Bernie Madoff’s Ponzi scheme. I think it’s also why he’s doing The Following on TV.

After I found out this, I kind of gave him a free pass in those ads.

Yes – although, when I said ‘need’, I meant artistically rather than financially. And despite all they did lose, the residue of the Bacon-Sedgwick fortune is still probably rather more than the contents of the piggybanks belonging to you, me and all the AMT listeners combined.

Nevertheless, I wouldn’t mind the EE ads so much if they recreated Tremors, using Apple Maps to confuse the Graboids into destroying the wrong town. Or Diner, with Steve Guttenberg telling Kevin off for using a mobile phone at the table. Or Flatliners, about what happens when EE’s 3G reception conks out.

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spare presidents

October 16, 2013

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT274 •••

Supplementary learning now thanks to Lee from Cambridge (the one in the US):

I just finished listening to your latest episode 274, in which you discuss the strangeness of the US chain of command.

First, a definition: the President Pro Tempore of the Senate is the leader of the party in power in the Senate (currently Patrick Leahy). He runs the Senate when the President of the Senate isn’t around to do so. Who is the President of the Senate? Why, it’s the Vice President of the US, since there has to be something for Biden to do other than waiting for Obama to die.

Secondly, it’s totally charming that you think we have something approaching a functional parliamentary system! Bless! You cannot call a special presidential election in the US, it states in the Constitution that the presidential elections occur every four years on the first Tuesday after the first Monday in November.

Presidents are also now constitutionally barred from serving for more than two terms, so George W. Bush couldn’t have hung on for a while; it would (most likely) have gone down the normal chain of succession into the new House and Senate.

Thanks Lee. Previously we got all our information about the order of spare presidents from the Kevin Kline film Dave. In fact we get all our information about everything from Kevin Kline films*. Between In and Out, Sophie’s Choice, The Ice Storm and A Fish Called Wanda, most matters of import are taken care of.

*A few dozen of which are available on LoveFilm, for which you can have a free month-long trial via answermethispodcast.com/lovefilm. We get free money if you do so; you get to glut yourself on Kevin Kline masterpieces. And Kevin Kline gets…to be Kevin Kline. So everyone’s happy.
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Yo DJ, poop this party

October 15, 2013

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT274 •••

Pop the balloons and start gathering all the empties for recycling, because party-ender Katie from Christchurch has been back in touch:

Thanks so much for answering my question about party guests in episode 273.

Olly, thanks, yes, I am a square (but a v lively and fun one until 10pm, I’ll have you know). As it happened the party did start at 2, we played board games and drank wine, most people left at 8, then two people stayed for another TWO AND A HALF HOURS while I fidgeted in my chair and suppressed yawns.

Lesson learned, next time they get an end time, as suggested.

Admittedly, Katie, the last two stragglers are particularly difficult to shift, even if you do institute a closing time. The presence of the other makes each feel that they’re not overstaying their welcome.

Maybe what you need to do is make a big deal of a post-party engagement you yourself have to get to, so they remember they’re obligated to leave your house. March them out with you, then pretend you’ve forgotten something and need to dash back home to get it. At which point, you barricade the front door and take to your bed.

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Selfridges

October 10, 2013

600x400

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT273 •••

Here’s some retro feedback from Courtney from Columbus, Ohio: retro not only because she’s contemplating a three-year-old episode of AMT, but also because it reminds us of that misty faraway time when people actually quite liked Jeremy Piven. The end-point of this era was somewhere between Grosse Pointe Blank and the start of Entourage – but not for Courtney! The embers of Piv-love still glow and crackle in her heart, which must be a very generous organ indeed if she decided to embark upon listening to AMT chronologically.

She writes:

I found out about your podcast recently and have since been cruising through the episodes – starting with episode ONE!!! The past few episodes, you’ve really been plugging your new book, and with Christmas right around the corner, I may just have to indulge…

Moments ago I listened to AMT158 where you discussed the placement of the perfume counters at the entrances of department stores. I cannot possibly know if someone has written in SINCE episode 158 and I therefore apologize in advance if this has become redundant.

Like many people, I’ve taken a liking to the actor Jeremy Piven, both for his notorious role on Entourage as well as his general demeanor. Last year he had a run on PBS with a show entitled Mr. Selfridge (which again I am not current with and may or may not still be running) as one of the founding fathers of department stores.

On an introductory special, the directors or producers or some equally important behind the scenes people said that when department stores first came about, the human race was still widely using horses and buggies. Needless to say, people were stepping in the road apples, and when they’d enter a shop, the carpets would become disgustingly foul. It was said that Mr. Selfridge or one of his contemporaries decided that if the perfumes were at the front, the stench would be covered, or at least toned down.

Just thought I’d share – love what I’m hearing so far. Although I’m far behind, I hope you’re still “in business”.

We ARE still in business Courtney, thanks! And even better now we know the term ‘road apples’.

Can anybody supply confirmation (or refutation) of the historical information asserted in Mr Selfridge? It seems plausible enough, until you remember that perfume departments are more insidiously stinky than a street full of Edwardian effluent.

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buttons

October 9, 2013
Fig.1: Button

Fig.1: Button

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT273 •••

Following my ‘It’s easy to sew buttons back onto your clothes, dammit!’ rant in AMT273, here comes a not unexpected question from James:

Helen, what’s the best way to sew a button on a shirt?

James, I can’t be arsed to explain it to you, so I refer you to this very thorough illustrated tutorial. Or you can ask a Pearly King or Queen; they’ve got plenty of experience.

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A thrilling discourse upon authors’ rights and the financial structure of publishing

October 8, 2013

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT273 •••

We apologise to Dave for answering his question about book prices in AMT270 in a way that did not please him to the fullest extent:

I would have preferred to hear your views on why the author of a book was selling at a price he knew could be beaten, signed or not, by a retailer he must have had some agreement with via the publisher. He also has a choice of whether to sell his books to Amazon or not.

I know it is not quite as simple as that but generally, online discount stores only get away with it because the publishing industry sells at a heavily discounted price to them. Or am I missing something?

You are a bit, Dave. Firstly, you’re assuming that authors have dominion over such things, whereas practically none of them do. In the corridors of publishing power, authors are the carpet tiles.

But why would authors, and publishers, choose not to sell through Amazon? Both authors and publishers want to sell as many copies through as many retail outlets as possible, and Amazon has become the biggest book-seller of them all.

Secondly, you’re getting yourself into a muddle about the pricing structure, so here’s a riveting precis of how that works:

The publishers set a cost price for a book. Every retailer that stocks said book buys copies for the cost price.

The publishers also set a Recommended Retail Price (RRP), but note the word ‘recommended’: retailers aren’t obliged to sell a product for that price.

Amazon has lower overheads than other retailers, hence it is able to slash the price of a book so it’s barely more than the RRP. Other book retailers then have the choice of selling fewer books, or trying to match the market-dominating price-slashers Amazon. But whichever tack they take, they’re making a loss, and this is one reason why there are far fewer booksellers around nowadays.

None of this should affect the author if they have a good contract in place, in which it is specified that the author is to be paid royalties as a percentage of the RRP, not the sales price. (Of course the usual reason why none of this affects authors is because hardly any sell enough copies of their book to receive any royalties at all.)

Hope that clarifies, Dave. It IS quite a dry explanation, so perhaps now you’ll be happier that we took a different tack answering your question in the first place.

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AMT baby

October 1, 2013

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT272 •••

In AMT272, Beth of Leighton Buzzard told us she had prepared for the birth of her child by downloading the AMT Holiday to accompany the agonies of labour. Surprisingly, the sound of our voices didn’t compel the baby to stay in the womb forever, because Beth writes:

I just wanted to say thank you. Not only did I enjoy your holiday album during early labour, but I also listened to your 19 September podcast whilst in the delivery room, 40 hours into (induced) labour and just 2 hours before my baby girl was born.

I didn’t have an epidural so the distraction was very welcome. No bad reviews from me!

As a doting new mum, I couldn’t resist including a picture of your youngest fan, Jennifer, who was born at 3.22am on Friday 20 September:

photo-1

All together now: awwwwwwwwwwwww. And, in sympathy with Beth’s 42-hour labour, owwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

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plant murder revenge

September 25, 2013

0025448

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT272 •••

We have blood (well, chlorophyll) on our hands, thanks to listener Davi:

For the past couple months I’ve been renting the spare room of an evil cunt-woman from hell.

I’m moving out soon, and I fantasize frequently about taking some sort of crushing, flamboyant revenge against her – however, she has a security deposit from me so I couldn’t do anything obvious or damaging that she could charge me for.

Instead, I took the advice of one of your previous shows about how to furtively commit plant murder, and I watered her beloved windowsill basil plant with salt water every time I was mad at her. Within a week it shriveled up and died.

She has no idea it was me and I feel good enough that I don’t think I’ll kill her before I move out in a couple weeks. Thanks for the great tip, and keep up the good work!

OK Davi, we will, until we are arrested as accessories to floricide.

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manual labour vs Mann-ual labour

September 18, 2013

se7en Sloth Scene B

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT271 •••

Oh dear, another listener irked by AMT271. Vent your grievance, Craig:

I’m sorry but I won’t be able to download your podcast any longer as I am working class and work with my hands, and as Olly said on Episode 271 I couldn’t possibly have any concept of what a podcast is or that people could carry out a type of work that involved only using a magical device called a phone!

What a snobbish patronising attitude you seem to have to us lowly manual labour types, let’s see how stupid you think we are next time something like your boiler breaks and you need one of us to repair it!

In Olly’s defence, I think what he was clearly trying to express was: anybody for whom the concept of work does not mean ‘sitting on a deckchair listening to one’s own voice’ – ie everybody – would deride Olly’s ‘work’. Like Rachmaninov would scorn David Guetta’s ‘music’, or Gordon Ramsay would scream at any of his Kitchen Nightmares victims that served ready-prepared food. Oh. Hang on…

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repeat offender

September 18, 2013

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT271 •••

Much as we want to, we can’t save Team AMT members from themselves. We told Kris once. We told Kris twice. And now it appears we have to tell him for a third time that his ex-girlfriend is manipulative, selfish, advantage-taking monster and he needs to GET RID:

Guess what, we got back together in January! After 8 months of crazy (her seeing 2-3 guys, falling pregnant etc) we decided that the fact we had talked every day meant something….and now we’ve broken up again (3 weeks ago). We had been discussing marriage and even up until two weeks ago were talking about getting back together and looking for a place.

It won’t surprise you to know that a week after our break up, she has met a new fellow via internet dating. She has described him ‘feeling like the one’. And he’s even asked her to move in with him in little over a month’s time. Yet surprisingly her behaviour has not seemed consistent. We awkwardly bumped into each other on the dating website, and she was still looking for guys after she’d met him.

She also has a box of my stuff she’s been ‘too busy to send’. She now claims she needs to source a box, which I suggested she could grab from the post office. She refuted that suggestion saying it would cost $10 and her parents have boxes for free.

Perhaps most baffling of all is that while she’s asked me to be happy she’s found her one, when I mentioned my own foray into the dating scene it was met with scorn and nitpicking on how stupid she sounded. It was the day after that she then changed her Facebook status as if to send me a message. I will admit to my own dalliance with immaturity by sending back a book which contained those lovely dovey questions. It was basically a bible of how I was the one and perfect for her – my argument was she’d kept our other sentimental shit in the past but to me it just felt hollow.

I guess the condensed version of this is, if she’s so happy with the ‘one’ why would she ever call me (admittedly not every day maybe every few days) and why would she pour such scorn on my own dating – I mean I’m happy she’s happy; why is this not mutual?

Because, as we said before Kris, this woman wants you to be available to her on her terms whenever she pleases. Your happiness is not important to her; frankly you are not important to her. She gives shits only about herself.

Even the most well-balanced person doesn’t relish hearing that an ex has moved on, even in the most friendly of circumstances. However, this woman is not that person. She does sound rather messed up – but regardless of that, she seems to be completely unrewarding as an object for your affections. Read your own emails: she has repeatedly demonstrated this.

So – say it with me, readers:

CUT HER OUT OF YOUR LIFE, KRIS!

I hardly think I can make this message clearer. And if you write to us again in 8-12 months with the same problem, I will assume that you have a fetish either for shit relationships, or for me berating you. Whichever it is, I don’t want to help you indulge in it.

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cunting for cunts

September 17, 2013

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT271 •••

Here’s a frosty email regarding AMT271 from long-term listener Magnum from Edinburgh:

Dear Helen, please learn to distinguish between scouting for girls and bowling for soup. I know it’s probably just a case of them both having the word for in the name and you were racking your brain to think of the correct band. But you don’t want to upset the BFS army. That way madness lies.

Perish the thought I’d upset the Souperheroes or whatever they call themselves! Don’t worry, Magnum, I didn’t confuse their music any more than I’d confuse a shrug and a wince. It was, as you suspected, a linguistic switcheroo, so henceforth I will refer to both bands, as well as any others using that name formula, as [Gerund] For [Irrelevant Noun].

Bowling for Girls

Bowling for Girls


Scouting for Soup

Scouting for Soup

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