Helen Zaltzman

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EPISODE 83 – bunt me up

January 22, 2009

Avaunt, listeners!

What a week it’s been for public speaking. On the one hand, you have Mr Obama’s inauguration speech; on the other, you have Jordan offering some of the least helpful crime-busting ideas since the Great Marshmallow Truncheon Debacle of 1882. Then, somewhere in between, you have Answer Me This! Episode 83:

This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p, through iTunes or a secure PayPal server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)

Wherein we elocute upon:

suppositories
second-hand jigsaws
Shami Chakrabarti
contraception for dogs
Rochester Castle
parallax
Karen O
Fifteen to One
moats vs. mottes
coconut-milk vs. man-milk
yom kippur
God ❤ Gareth Gates
the Hard Rock Cafe, Cyprus
Roy Orbison
condom pockets
and
the anal glands of animals.

Plus: Olly’s previous gig as the Marlboro Man; Helen’s problems of personal presentation; Martin’s jangly bunch of keys; and 2009 can finally get started, for at last we hear the voice of Graham from Canada!

We’ll be taking a little break after Episode 84 until March 5th, but don’t let that deter you from sending your QUESTIONS to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, Skype ID answermethis or our Question Line 0208 123 5877. And we’ve got a special treat for you next week to end the series – no, it’s not fun-sized Mars Bars, it is a lovely special guest! Will they have the stamina to deal with your questions? Do they have proper general knowledge instead of the ability to Google-search at speed? Will they talk about genitals as much as Olly does?

Tune in next Thursday to find out!

Helen and Olly

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Name Matt’s baby!

January 20, 2009

A typical human baby.

Last week Paul from Stockport needed you to tell him what to do before he’s thirty. You acquitted yourselves most adequately, so this week we’re giving you an even greater challenge, courtesy of Matt:

What am I going to call my baby (due in 5 weeks time)? The criteria are as follows:
Need a boy’s and a girl’s name.
Nothing to live up to e.g. Grace.
Nothing that that has been used in X-Factor, Big Brother (etc) in the past few years.
Finally, nothing too weird or too popular – aiming for only one in class.

We haven’t received word from Matt that he will definitely saddle the impending mini-Matt with an Answer Me This!-generated name, but just the prospect that he might is surely enough to get you thinking, commenting and NAMING THAT BABY! Go!

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Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 17 Comments »

EPISODE 82 – Ribranda, Ribranda, Ribranda

January 15, 2009

Good afternoon, listeners,

Seeing as it’s mid-January we assume your new year’s resolutions have by now entirely gone to shit. So kick off your once-used gym shoes, lie back in your nest of chocolate, booze and porn, and listen to Answer Me This! Episode 82:

This week we’re a-discussin’:

Sarah Beeny’s marriage
the dos and don’ts of MSN
built-in obsolescence
balloons
Kevin Spacey
use of the word ‘todger’
mega-fauna
pharmaceutical companies
dvds vs. blu-ray
cures for cancer
and
bum-fellatio.

Furthermore, Olly coins the term ‘wang-slurp’; Helen lacks a useful body part; and Martin the Sound Man is finally silenced, by a cup of coffee. Although not for long, as a rare Heated Discussion erupts! For an altercation to occur it must be about something important, right? Right? No. It’s about lightbulbs.

As ever, please dispatch your QUESTIONS to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, Skype ID answermethis or our Question Line 0208 123 5877; but also please leave a comment on this post for questioneer Paul from Stockport, who is using the AMT service to get straight to you:

I turn 30 in 5 months. Possibly convinced by the constant stream of gimmick-based books and tv shows (hello Dave Gorman), I feel I should make a list of “things to do” before I reach this significant milestone on the march towards my inevitable death. I realise I have left this a little late but Answer Me This! listeners, Answer Me This: what things must I ABSOLUTELY do before I’m 30?

We got that email before Christmas so he’s probably only got four months to go now – hurry to help Paul! We look forward to seeing what you recommend. We hear he has already done a skydive, so that’s one off the list already. What else to do, before he reaches his arbitrary deadline?

Helen and Olly

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Animate Me This!

January 14, 2009

** Click here for EPISODE 81 **

Like proud parents sticking their toddlers’ daubings on the fridge door, we are altogether delighted when you send us your artistic endeavours inspired by Answer Me This!. We very much enjoyed this, that and the other, and now Luke from Cambridge has similarly perked up our days, having just made a snippet of the podcast into a cartoon! Visit his website lukesurl.com for the full-size version.

Meanwhile, if you enjoy a punctuation challenge, try this one that my English teacher Mr Bullard laid upon us when I was nine:

Smith where Jones had had had had had had had had had had had the examiner’s approval.

That’s eleven ‘had’s in a row! Punctuate them so that the sentence makes sense, goddammit, else Mr Bullard will throw a hardback dictionary at you from beyond the grave.

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teen drama

January 13, 2009

** Click here for EPISODE 81 **

Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, we find we can’t answer your questions. After flagellating ourselves thoroughly and spending forty minutes exiled to the Naughty Step, we turn to you instead, this time for the sake of Claire, who writes:

I’ve joined a youth theatre that runs after school, and we have a slight dilemma. We need to think of a name for ourselves, but we really can’t. So, answer me this: what name shall we give ourselves?

All we came up with collectively was ‘Jazzhands’. If you can come up with something better than that – and frankly if you can’t, you should probably join us on the Naughty Step – then please comment below!

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EPISODE 81 – little green balls

January 8, 2009

mixed feelings about the commencement of a new year of podcasting

Hello listeners!

Just two calendar years ago, Answer Me This! was as trembly and new as a soft-poached egg. Yet here we are, on our second birthday, sage and wrinkly octogenarians, for today we unleash Episode 81:

Therein:
Prince of Egypt
Calamity Jane
thermal underwear
the Kansas cowboys
Mel Brooks
Nick Robinson
Anne Robinson (no relation)
incontinence vs. electric blankets
Seneca
Clive Anderson
‘Shine’ by Take That
Little Women
sandpaper
Henry James
and
peas.

Plus, Olly’s moods swing from ‘cheerful’ to ‘jolly’; Helen reveals another completely spurious bugbear; and Martin the Sound Man is forced to reexamine the contents of Mickey Mouse’s pants.

We thank you in advance for all the wonderful birthday presents you have no doubt sent us; and also for the QUESTIONS you should dispatch to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, Skype ID answermethis or our Question Line 0208 123 5877.

See you next week!

Helen and Olly

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Balls in a basket

January 5, 2009

** Click here for the Best of Answer Me This! 2008 – Part II **

You may remember that in Episode 77 I gave juggling a thorough dressing-down for being not only a tiresome entertainment (unless fire or chainsaws are involved) but also a wholly impractical method of transporting multiple balls.

Now, although I would strongly advise all of you against taking anything I ever say literally, in this case it amused me greatly that Stu and Maddy in Cambridge did. Says Stu:

After your comments on juggling, one of Maddy’s Christmas presents to me was a set of juggling balls – plus a plastic basket to carry them around in, thus rendering them inert in the attached picture.

balls in a basket

Listeners, you make me so proud.

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shitting from a great height

December 27, 2008

** Click here for the Best of Answer Me This! 2008 – Part I **

Jack from Leeds is even more useful at answering questions than we are. A few weeks ago he dealt with correct pizza-ordering etiquette; today, he tackles the shitting-off-the-Eiffel-Tower issue from Episode 79:

Helen said that the falling turd would quite seriously injure someone below.

It wouldn’t.

I’m sure you have heard of the myth where dropping a coin of the empire state building would cause a crack in the pavement.

It wouldn’t.

Let us assume we are using a standard 10p coin. This weighs in at a hefty 6.5 grams. Using a quick calculation (which I can’t be bothered to do now, but I have done in the past), we can calculate the terminal velocity of the object, which we assume the coin reaches on the way down. This isn’t nearly fast enough to even break the skin on the skull. You may receive a sharp knock, and someone with a low pain threshold might bruise, but it certainly wouldn’t be fatal.

Now, a turd is nice and squishy, and thus the impact on the head would take longer, and, as I’m sure a couple of university graduates like you two know, this reduces the force of the impact. So, it would cause incredibly little pain, if any at all!

Falling crap ≠ Pain on head.

It’s wonderfully reassuring to know that one can walk around the bottom of the Eiffel Tower without fearing death from turd-inflicted head injury. However, Dame Caution would still advise taking an umbrella.

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Today, class, I am going to make you blush

December 27, 2008

** Click here for the Best of Answer Me This! 2008 – Part I **

Since Daniel from Gosport raised the subject in Episode 79, we’ve been very much enjoying your tales of embarrassing teachers. Miranda has another doozy:

The most embarrassing thing my teacher has ever said to me was during my sex education lessons in GCSEs. She first asked us who had had sex, and insisted we all put our hand up if we had. After about 10 mins of this half the class had their hands up, and then went on to talk about the positions she had done, and how it was enjoyable.

I wonder what her motive was for such bizarre behaviour. Perhaps she was trying to cement the link between sex and extreme shame, so that you all keep your pants on well into your thirties, thus dropping the teen pregnancy rate.

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What do you get…

December 27, 2008

…if you cross Martin the Sound Man and a £5 Santa suit?

Santa the Sound Man

Answer us this: what about this could have caused our two-year-old niece to scream for an hour? Ingrate.

** Click here to listen to the Best of Answer Me This! 2008 – Part I **

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Merry vs Happy

December 24, 2008

Here’s a festive question from Robert from Philadelphia:

Where does Merry come from, like in Merry Christmas? And why do Americans say Merry Christmas and the Brits say Happy Christmas?

Robert, what a lovely gift for me to be allowed to get my etymological dictionary out. ‘Merry’ comes from the Old English ‘myrige’, which meant pleasant or delightful. It was just as popular in Britain as in America until killjoys like the Queen thought it was a bit too redolent of the other meaning of merry, ie drunken. So ‘Happy Christmas’ became popular too, at least until the Queen decides that it is too redolent of the other meaning of happy, ie coked up to the eyeballs.

Anyway, we are feeling very Merry and Happy at Answer Me This! because we’ve been included in iTunes’ Best of 2008 Podcasts! And on a related note, be sure to check back in on Christmas Day for the Best of Answer Me This! 2008 – Part I.

Photographic proof - best of 2008, baby!

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EPISODE 80 – pigs in cardigans

December 18, 2008

Santa

Ho ho ho, listeners! Christmas is coming, the geese are getting fat – yet another species succumbs to the obesity epidemic. But at least Answer Me This! Episode 80 is calorie-free and takes up none of your Weightwatchers treat points! Try it.

All this week’s questions are Christmas-related, so lodged within the episode like the Little Baby Jesus in the manger are topics including:

cats shitting tinsel
Larry Dean Stewart
Stevie Wonder’s hair
iPhones
advent calendars
elves vs. Argos
the three wise men
ballottine (translation: turducken)
Santa as chambermaid
plumb lines
wine coolers vs. The Da Vinci Code
Father Textmas
and
FIVE GO-OLD RINGS!

Plus some lovely messages from you listeners, and a special treat from Martin the Sound Man. Indeed, if you missed his gift from last year, you can hear it now before we take it to the charity shop:

Along with satsumas, chocolate coins and stripey socks, what we really want for Christmas is some QUESTIONS from you – either drop them down our chimney or, more practically, email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, Skype answermethis or phone 0208 123 5877, and we’ll get cracking on them in the new year. Meanwhile, in between picking dog-hair out of the brandy butter and swearing at the broken fairy-lights, we’ll be tackling some more of your questions right here on this very website, so keep coming to visit!

We’ll be back on Christmas Day with The Best of Answer Me This! 2008, Part I, which will be full of Incredible Moments from this monumental year in amateur British podcasting, as well as some extra special never-before-podcasted footage. Just the thing to fill in a few minutes between the family row and the Strictly Come Dancing Christmas Special.

Falalalalala-lalalala!

Helen and Olly

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