Author Archive

Class, it’s time for a glimpse of my private life

December 16, 2008

** Click here for EPISODE 79 **

Happily, Daniel from Gosport‘s tale of his artificially tumescent teacher in Episode 79 has compelled you lot to share other stories of embarrassing teachers. First, Adz from Birmingham:

In English, 2 years ago, my teacher was quite attractive. Actually, she wasn’t all that, but she once unknowingly let me see an awesome cleavage shot. Anyway, she was typing on the computer which was linked up to the whiteboard so everything she typed was projected. She wrote “Analysis” (we were studying Shakespeare), but stopped at the L, and left it there deliberately.

Another time, she told us about how she was having a *family* discussion with her brother about how he uses his nasal hair trimmer for his pubes. The she went all red-faced and shut up while the whole class sat there in stunned silence.

Twice shudder-inducing. But which is worse, teachers trying to be bawdy or funny? Cri from Sudbury‘s teacher attempted a double combo:

The weirdest thing one of my teachers has ever said is “My name is Helga, I am a Transylvanian transvestite.”

His name was Steve and he was an English electronics teacher. It was scary

This reminds me of the first time I met my piano teacher, when I was eleven. He was wearing a vividly-patterned jumper, and said, “This isn’t a jumper, this is my skin!” Later, when the room was choked with the smell of his sweat, he said, “The room smells funny – I think it’s these biscuits.” I have never encountered a digestive biscuit before or since which had an odour akin to human B.O., but perhaps I have led an unusually sheltered existence.

Any more for any more? Comment below, please! Or, if you yourself are an embarrassing teacher, do share your favourite cringe-making manoeuvres!

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Hi there. Have you seen my crotch?

December 15, 2008

** Click here for EPISODE 79 **

In Episode 79 Stephen asked what the point is of neckties; and Sarah from Gaytown has a theory, albeit one that suggests she has ONE THING ON HER MIND:

Ties aren’t for anything more than to draw attention to the penis. Which is why it has an arrow right to the crotch.

Girls ought to go after bow ties – smart and wants his face to be seen before his cock.
Then again he might not have much to point to.

Sarah from Gaytown, we think we may have found your perfect chap:

nothing to do with the genitals

Bow ties: nothing to do with the genitals

Phwoar and phwoar again.

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EPISODE 79 – beans, beans, good for your luck

December 11, 2008


This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p, through iTunes or a secure PayPal server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)

Listeners! Pause for a moment from multiple-voting for Thingy, Whatsit or The Other One on X Factor, or from clearing the shelves of Woollies lest you never see a cheap socket set again; for Answer Me This! Episode 79 awaits.

Messing up the white noise this week are such subjects as:
the Manic Street Preachers
Oregon
gynaecologists
Peekaboo
Bugsy Malone
Radio 4 smash hit The Department
drama teachers
gait vs. gate
spontaneity vs. arrest
Wii vs. World of Warcraft
Will vs. Gareth vs. sanity
and
the troll Zeus.

Plus, Olly reminisces about his cross-dressing years; Helen delights the pervs with racy talk of LADIES’ BRAS; and Martin the Sound Man is more stumped by a bow tie than by quantum physics. We knew he must have an Achilles Heel; we just didn’t expect it to be a foot long and made of black satin.

It’s coming up to Christmas and we want to find lots and lots of your QUESTIONS in our stockings – or, more appropriately, in our inbox at answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or our phonebox via Skype ID answermethis or phone number 0208 123 5877. But as well as that, we would love to have festive voice messages from you lovely lot to play in next week’s episode, so please call and leave us a nice little message! Pretty please! We’ve been SO good this year!

See you next Thursday, for the special Christmas edition of Answer Me This!,

Helen and Olly

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More namealikes!

December 10, 2008

** Click here for EPISODE 78 **

Since last week’s batch of namealikes, Peter from Chicago has written in to point out:

I had thought proper term was “googleganger.” It was one of the “new words” of 2007.
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=googleganger
http://wordie.org/words/googleganger
http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-a-googleganger.htm

Hmm – “googleganger” sounds a little bit too ‘prison shower’ for our tastes, so fingers crossed for ‘namealike’ as an early entrant into the new words of 2009. Anyway, on with your titular twins!

Says Joe List:

When I googled myselfI  found this guy… http://www.myspace.com/joelist
He’s a stand up comedian from Queens. But he’s not funny at all.
I’m an animator/designer and I don’t make jokes about chicks. I don’t even say ‘chicks’.

So, little common ground between the Joe Lists. What about the Andrew from New Yorks?:

There is only one other person that I have ever found with my same name, he also lives in New York, but while I am a Forensic Scientist working for the police, my internet doppelganger is an Ukrainian Dance instructor/architect.

It’s fascinating enough that one man could be at once an architect and a Ukrainian dance instructor, let alone that his namealike has a job which ITV would make into a long-running drama series. Can any other listeners top that? Perhaps Paul Styles:

My namealike is an American wrestler called (you guessed it) Paul Styles.
His full stage name is Paul ‘The Role Model’ Styles. All the good nicknames must have been taken.

Cor! But let’s take a break now from all that showbiz and see who’s sharing the good name of Elizabeth in Aylesbury:

It turns out I’m a Barrister and a Lesbian and Gay rights campaigner, which is a million miles from what I do as I am a straight lady and a Sales Advisor in a department store.

For some reason, few of you are considering a namealike-inspired career change, even though for some of you it is pretty much already fixed up for you. Take, for instance, Tom T:

My namesake is an electrician who lives round the corner from my house, which explains why I’ve had phonecalls asking to do building jobs.

You should keep up the pretence, Tom T! You’re missing out on a not insubstantial hourly rate.

Finally, let’s check in with the Stan Dennings:

Imagine my surprise when I discovered my name-alike to be none other than the unnervingly hairy ‘Pastor Stan Denning’ and was introduced to the organisation ‘Marantha Motorcycle Ministry’, who according to their website have a desire to ‘promote God’s love and grace in the motorcycle community’.

Well, someone needs to do it.

If YOU have an inapt namealike, please tell us all about him/her in the comments below!

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The future Queen – doing her bit.

December 10, 2008

** Click here for EPISODE 78 **

Leave it to the Away team to point out the glaring errors in our knowledge of modern British history…  Olly spent a portion of Episode 78 fantasising about the young Queen Elizabeth II doing her bit for the war effort on the tanks, and not even knowing that she would one day be crowned Fairy Princess of the West; suffice to say that, like most biopics, this misty-palmed reverie was lacking a little in the ‘factual accuracy’ department.

Fortunately, a couple of our Stateside listeners have been in touch to restore the ‘edu’ to the ‘edutainment’. Firstly, Nancy from Pennsylvania points out:

When the Queen was working on jeeps and such during the war, her father was already the King. Meaning, she knew she was going to be the Queen. Olly said that her father was not yet King when she was doing her bit. Wrong!

Peter from Chicago even shows his working (albeit relying upon the encyclopaedia equivalent of a tombola):

I checked on en.wikipedia.org, King George VI’s reign began on 11 December 1936, well before the start of World War II. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/George_VI_of_the_United_Kingdom)

Since his daughter Elizabeth (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elizabeth_II) was the granddaughter of King George V (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/George_V_of_the_United_Kingdom), she was a princess from the time she was born (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elizabeth_II#Heiress_presumptive).

She joined the WATS in 1945, and yes, she was mechanic and truck driver. (Would you say lorry driver?) (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elizabeth_II#World_War_II)

Now THAT’s another tip-top movie plot: the young queen as a trucker!  Follow the future monach as she pluckily trundles up and down the B-roads, scratching her balls and subsisting off three fried breakfasts a day!  I’m sure one could persuade Helen Mirren to take the role again.

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EPISODE 78 – appointment with Doctor Fun

December 4, 2008


This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p, through a secure PayPal server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)

This week was a toughie for us, listeners…because it was the first time ever we’ve shouldered through a podcast without Martin the Sound Man. Our beloved third wheel was off games after a nasty stomach upset. Ain’t no sunshine when he’s gone…but there’s still Episode 78, so get listening!

This week, lining the streets of Talkytown are:

Mrs William Hague
cribbage
Richard X vs. various artists
Liberty X vs. Jesus
chance vs. skill
the Queen vs. the career of Kylie Minogue
infants vs. coffee
anaesthesia
the Weekly World News
Cameron Diaz
L. Ron Hubbard
the best Japanese restaurant in Crystal Palace
Perudo
the many moods of Zeus
Sheffield
and
Sam Taylor-Wood.

Plus, Olly gets into low-level gambling; Helen yearns for Einstein’s twin brother; and Martin the Sound Man, of course, malingers on his sick bed – but if you need your weekly fix, download the new episode of his music podcast. Or go and stand outside his work and wait for him to come out.

Martin’s completely better now so there’s no need to send any get well cards or bunches of flowers, but there’s always a need to send us a QUESTION, which you can do by Skypeing answermethis, phoning 0208 123 5877 or emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Don’t make us beg!

See you next week,

Helen and Olly

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Pizza-ordering manners: the insider’s story

December 3, 2008

** Click here for Episode 77 **

In Episode 77, James from Royal Holloway University described the unfair ribbing he received from his ‘friends’ for his unbrutish telephone conduct when phoning for a pizza. Happily, Jack from Leeds has confirmed that James was very much in the right by not launching into his order straightaway, by giving the inside scoop on being the person on the other end of the phone:

Being a spotty 16 year old in need of some spending cash, I AM a pizza boy, and have a personal gripe about this. Here is Dr. Jack’s run down of ordering a pizza.

Pre-Call: Decide what you want. Nothing is worse than you ringing up to order six or seven pizzas, and I’ve got pizzas building up in the oven, chips burning and customers in store while you’re going round the room saying “Erm, Dave, what do you want?” Long pause… “What about Sandra?” The only exception to this rule is if you’ve looked at the menu and can’t choose, and want my professional opinion. In that case, I’m happy to help.

1) When the phone is answered, say in a clear voice one of the following:
a) I would like to place an order for collection
or
b) I would like to place an order for delivery.
Nothing else is allowed. In the case of delivery, have the house’s address and postcode on standby in case we don’t have you on the system.

2) Wait for the pizza boy/gal to ask for your order. When he/she does, all pizzas should be named with the following syntax:
[Name of Pizza (as on menu)] [Size in Inches] [Deep Pan or Thin Crust].
Pronounce ‘jalapeno’ correctly.
Any burger orders should be as follows:
[Name of Burger (as on menu)] [Single or Double (quarter or half pounder is also acceptable)] [Fries or No Fries].
Nothing else is allowed.

3)Shut up
and let me tell you how much it will cost and when it will be there.

Please, for pizza boys/gals’ sakes everywhere, adhere to these simple rules and life will be much easier.

Bam! Clear as Fox’s Glacier Mints. Consider this aspect of 21st-century etiquette established, like curtseying when you meet the Queen.

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Pubic transport

December 3, 2008

** Click here for Episode 77 **

Episode 77‘s anonymous question about stiffies on the bus has unsurprisingly invited an animated response, firstly from Chris from Cardiff:

I just thought I’d write in to tell you an interesting (though somewhat useless) nugget of information – yes it is caused by the vibrations on the bus, it is known as a ‘Bus Cock’, and that is where the band The Buzzcocks got their name from.

Good nugget, Chris! Then, the charmingly-named Slagtits got in touch with a rock-solid solution to the potentially embarrassing problem:

I recall long ago….well not that long ago really mind you…. when I had the same problem. No matter how hot it was, I would always be seen, on the way to work, wearing my overalls, just in case I had a visit in the downstairs area. If only I had the “Stiffies underwear”. This invention was on our national T.V. broadcaster A.B.C., a programme called “The new inventors”. It is of a pair of underpants that will “redirect” your sprouting wood.

Ingenious! If you’re keen to purchase a pair of tumescence-restraining underpants, head over to www.stiffiesunderwear.com. They’re the perfect Christmas gift for the reluctant Priapus in your life.

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Insects in sex

December 3, 2008

** Click here for Episode 77 **

Thanks to the discussion of bee sex in Episode 75, Will flagged us down through the AMT!P Facebook group to avail us of the existence of hot porny bee vids.

That’s right, it’s real bees, GOING AT IT!” cries Will excitedly. And he’s right:

NSFW! And also not safe for those who are traumatised by misplaced apostrophes; these delicate souls should just watch this saucy pair of boffing bees instead:

Or, if you prefer a bit of Lady-on-Lady action:

Once you’ve recovered from this fluster-inducing sexyfun, here’s a more serious bit of feedback from John from East Yorkshire:

I was disgusted, nay disappointed, nay disgustapointed to hear you talking rubbish about bees being mainly male. All worker bees are female as well as the queen, only the larger drones are male, and their sole purpose is for breeding. In winter the lady-bees kick the drones out of the hive so that they don’t have to feed them and all the males die. I’m surprised the multitude of bee-keepers who must listen to your podcast have not inundated you with this correction.

Jeepers. Lady bees sound an awful lot like Germaine Greer.

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Which lie did I tell?

December 3, 2008

pinocchio

Dave from Oxford has emailed us this magnificent story:

When driving a taxi in Didcot on Saturday night (just one of life’s little treats), my passengers were a couple who were having an argument about the possible infidelity of the man. He was insisting on his innocence having “stayed at Andy’s house” the night before. The young lady did not believe this as he had a large love bite on his neck.

His explanation of this was probably the least believable excuse I have ever heard. He said “I was playing pool with Andy and the winner had to give a bite to the loser”.

So answer me this: What is the worst excuse you have either used, or had used to you by someone else?

Well, since Olly and I have NEVER LIED ONCE IN ALL OUR LIVES, we’re not fit to answer this question – but seeing as you’re a bunch of fibbing nogoodniks, perhaps you’d care to share your finest porky pies in the comments below?

** Click here for Episode 77 **

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Namealikes

December 3, 2008

** Click here for Episode 77 **

In Episode 77 Geoff raised the notion of people who share your name but not your career path, and you lovely chaps have been in touch with your own examples of this phenomenon. Charles Firth says:

My job is as an IT consultant, but there are two much more famous Charles Firths out there – both in Australia, oddly enough. One is a conservative talking head, and the other stars in the very funny show Chaser’s War on Everything (watch it if you can).

I’m sure there are a bunch more out there as well, and wonder if Google ranking is the right way to determine relative worth? Maybe there’s another Charles Firth out there who saves hurt puppies or something….

Keep hoping, Charles Firth! Perhaps YOU will find a cure for cancer and prevent the icecaps from melting, without even lifting a finger!

Chris Stringer has also been self-googling:

I share my name with a Professor Chris Stringer, who is a British anthropologist, and ‘one of Britain’s foremost experts on human origins’. Wouldn’t it be funny if I was a devout Christian? I’m not.
BUT the most interesting part was that on wikipedia, I was asked if I meant Chris Stringer the football player, my complete opposite – I’m an acoustic singer songwriter! I decided to have a look, and imagine the shock I had when I saw that Chris Stringer, from Grimsby, a former English pro footballer who played for Sheffield Wednesday, has the same birthday as me! What a coincidence!

Spoooooky! As is this tale from Nicole in Santa Barbara:

When I googled my maiden name Nicole Pursell, I got me (a teacher in California) and a high school swimmer in Washington. This is really nothing of note, but it gets funky. One day I was mailing a package, and the person commented on my name. The conversation went something like this:
“Your name is Nicole Pursell.”
“yes.”
“My last name is also Pursell, spelled the same way.” (usually people spell it Purcell)
“Interesting. We’re probably long lost relatives.”
“Yeah, but the weird thing is that my sister is Nicole Pursell.”
“Is she a swimmer, and are you from Washington?”
“Yes, how did you know?”
“I googled myself and she came up.”
The conversation continued with him telling me his life story about how if he were born a girl, he would have been Michelle (his name was Michael), and his sister would have been Nicholas, but they weren’t.
I just wanted to mail my book, but it was odd to meet a relation of the other Nicole Pursell.

Coincidence – or do postal workers in California just habitually tell name-related lies to keep themselves entertained throughout the day?

Keep US entertained by sending in your own strange and spooky namealikes, people!

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EPISODE 77 – in the pudding club

November 27, 2008


This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p, through a secure PayPal server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)

Hello champs,

To all our American listeners: Happy Thanksgiving! And to the rest of you – go and sit in the corner and think about what you’ve done.
Then listen to Episode 77, wherein dwell such topics as:

Phone Booth
the Vengabus
Dick van Dyke
‘The Owl and the Pussycat’
James Whittaker
Whitney Houston
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
levitation
fire-juggling
Jack Lemmon
the mirth of rats
King Lear
equality in the workplace – medieval style
Ulysses
and
the other Martin Austwick.

Furthermore, Olly misremembers hardboiled egg tricks; Helen becomes near incandescent with rage over snacks; and Martin the Sound Man is uncharacteristically quiet but click here if you want to hear more of him.

As ever, if you have a QUESTION for us, get in touch by Skypeing answermethis, phoning 0208 123 5877 or emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Also if you have a namealike with a rogue profession, like this week’s questioneer Geoff, leave a comment below telling us of the Shakespearean hilarity!

Helen and Olly

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