Helen Zaltzman

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EPISODE 85 – liver yogurt

March 5, 2009

Wahey, listeners! We’re back! Waheyyyyyyy!

Formalities over, let’s get down to business. There’s a new series of Answer Me This!, and accordingly a new episode. So without further ado, here is Answer Me This! Episode 85:

This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p, through iTunes or a secure PayPal server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)

We’re limbering up with such topics as:

Visalia, CA
syllabub
the four corners of the globe
Antonin Artaud
the life of bivalves
The Little Mermaid
garlic bread
Johnny Onion
this pungent place
Diane Arbus
Past Times
Walkman iPod covers
little red Dansette

Plus! Olly offers some top-notch economising tips for you cat litter users; Helen says the word ‘syllabub’; and Martin the Sound Man explains the difference between corpses and dogs. Thankyou, Martin. Should make walkies a bit less sinister.

As usual we are wanting your QUESTIONS, which you can submit orally to to Skype ID answermethis or our Question Line 0208 123 5877, or emailly to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com; BUT we also want more from you this week because we are greedy. Firstly, we would like you to come and see us at Webstock at the London Word Festival on 22nd March – click HERE for more about it – and secondly, we would like your entries for our fun new Photoshop Challenge, for details of which click HERE. Thirdly, we’ve now got one of those Twitter things that everyone’s going on about, so come and follow us at twitter.com/helenandolly. No doubt over the coming weeks and months we shall provide some very insightful Twits or Twats or whatever the hell the kids call it now. Fourthly, Martin the Sound Man has a new musical video project which he beseeches you all to watch, here or here.

Ok, that’s all the neediness out of the way. Now get back to work!

Oxes,

Helen and Olly

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Posted in PODCASTS | 3 Comments »

cootie catchers?

March 4, 2009

I know we’re on the eve of a new series, but cast your minds back to the last episode of Answer Me This!, listeners, which was number 84, in which we quizzed special guest Josie Long about these nameless things. Well, Jenn from Santa Cruz has emailed in to tell us what is possibly their actual name:

I can’t speak for all of the United States of course, but where I grew up they were called ‘cootie catchers’. Why? I don’t know.

What an attractive term. It sounds like it should denote something they use to mop up at the STD clinic, not an innocent origami toy popular with 8-year-old girls. Anyway, on the same subject, Amy writes:

After listening to your most recent podcast with the question about the little paper origami devices used to precariously predict one’s destiny, I found them for sale (!) in the shop Paperchase. They called them Fortune Pickers. They were part of a Valentine’s gift range. What a perfect way of telling someone that not only are you a cheapskate, but you are a lazy, uncreative cheapskate.

Thoroughly lame indeed. If you’re too lazy even to make something that a tiny child could make with just one sheet of A4, then you ought not have someone to whom to give such a pisspoor Valentine’s present. If you desperately want one of these paper prognosticators but you’re genuinely too busy and important to fold it yourself, send this link to your secretary and instruct him/her to manufacture one on your behalf out of a discarded fax or £50 note.

UPDATE: Clarrie from London adds:

My french family all call it a “cocotte” – which incidentally also means a prostitute or promiscuous woman. NOT SO INNOCENT NOW THEN!!!

Lawks!

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Should Marc do it?

March 4, 2009

Here’s a question which we hadn’t had before, courtesy of Marc:

I’m 18, male and have been given the chance to be in a straight, professionally done porno. Should I take it, or will it hang over my head until one day my mates stumble across it and say “Hey…. He looks familiar….” The money’s not too bad. 🙂

Now, you may be surprised to hear that none of us has ever had a professional porn career (not counting Martin the Sound Man’s 8-page spread in November 1997’s Hot Teen Physicists – he was TOLD it was EDUCATIONAL, OK???), but as such is the case, we don’t really feel qualified to advise Marc in an informed and responsible manner. However, chances are that one of you smut-monkeys has had a racier life than all of us put together, and has more pertinent advice to give. If so, please comment below, or vote in this poll:

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He’s not a toy – he’s a toy fox terrier

February 26, 2009

** We’re back on 5th March; in the meantime click here to listen to previous episodes **

What a week! First this nice thing, then at long last the culmination of our merch dreams, courtesy of Remy from Seattle:

Remy from Seattle: the sharpest dog in the west

If you want your own dog to look just as ~~amusing~~stylish as young Remy here, then visit our merchandise store where you can buy one of these not in the least dignity-compromising dog t-shirts in THREE SIZES. As well as good shit like bags to carry your dog around in, mugs for your dog to drink tea from, or maternity tops to wear while you…gestate your dog?

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All of the Planet’s Wonders

February 19, 2009

** We’re back on 5th March; in the meantime click here to listen to previous episodes **

the other J.Lo: comedian Josie Long

We know we’ve been slacking off our audio-entertainment duties this month, but here’s some noise to fill the whistling silence: the new Radio 4 series from Episode 84 guest star Josie Long. Episode 1 is on the BBC website until Wednesday 25th February, so click HERE to listen to it!

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London Word Festival

February 18, 2009

** We’re back on 5th March; in the meantime click here to listen to previous episodes **

Aside from “Why don’t you see white dog poo any more?”, one of the questions we’re most often asked is whether we’re doing any live shows.

Usually, the answer is “No”, as the prospect of doing what we do without the benefits of editing and invisibility sends us scuttling off to bed with the vapours. But presently, it is in fact “Yes!” On March 22nd we will be appearing at the London Word Festival’s ‘Webstock’, an afternoon mini-fest devoted to internetty stuff at the Vibe Bar on Brick Lane. The show is hosted by friend-and-flatmate-of-the-show Matthew Crosby and will feature comedians Tim Key and Idiots of Ants, This is a Knife vodcaster Donal Coonan, poet Luke Wright, blogger Karen McCarthy and, well, us. And Martin the Sound Man doing live AMT jingles, so let the Beatlemania 2.0 commence!

If you’re still not sure, then remember that Brick Lane also has excellent bagel shops and vintage clothes warehouses, so your Sunday entertainment would be fairly complete.

There’s more information HERE. We hope to see your little faces there!

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Anagram fun!

February 17, 2009

** We’re back on 5th March; in the meantime click here to listen to previous episodes **

We’ve been enjoying our podcastless leisure-time this month, and it appears Aaron from Monkton, Vermont has too:

Had some free time and experimented with some anagrams. These are the best I found, and a few are rather appropriate.

Oliver Mann
Minor navel
Normal vein

Martin the Sound Man
A Modernist Manhunt
Humanist Adornment
Madam Nutrient Nosh
Madman Unites North
Humor a Instant Mend

Martin Austwick
A Karmic Untwist

Helen Zaltzman
The Zs proved problematic

Let the record show that the last one is not an actual anagram of my name. However if you can think of one, or any other choice ones for Olly and Martin, comment below!

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Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine, frippery | 10 Comments »

All together now: Awwwwwwww!

February 14, 2009

Brace yourself, readers, for the most romantic post ever to grace this website! Granted, it’s a thin field.

Tabby from Stoke-on-Trent wrote to us to ask if we could help out with a little Answer Me This!-themed Valentine’s gesture for her podcast-fond boyfriend Scott, and naturally we were only too pleased to oblige. So Scott, this goes out to you!

Tabby
loves
Scott

Happy Valentine’s Day, Scott; and we’re delighted to be helping to keep Love’s Young Dream alive, in a Web 2.0 fashion.

** Click here to listen to episodes of Answer Me This! **

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Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine, extracurricular questions, frippery, visuals | 5 Comments »

Affairs of the ears

February 1, 2009

** Click here for Episode 84 **

As you know, we are currently On A Break, prompting the following email from Phil from Treorchy:

I hope you are enjoying your annual leave, but does the fact that we are on a break mean that the rest of us are free to see (hear) other podcasts?

It pains us to think of you laughing and capering with other podcasts, Phil; but we have to do the right thing and let you spread your wings and fly…preferably towards subscribing to Martin the Sound Man‘s podcast, because we don’t want you to wander too far. Just make sure you come back to us on March 5th, and we’ll stiffen our trembling lips and pretend you never left.

Oh and please can you answer me this: why do people seem to think you MUST fill the kettle from the cold tap? Other than the fact the water comes out marginally quicker (oh joy, you’ve saved a good 4 seconds – add that up over a year and you’ve earned an extra half an hour to spend how you wish) I can see no reason why EVERYBODY does this. My wife reckons it’s an impurities issue, but even when I point out that this water becomes BOILED she still insists she’s right (as is the way with her).

Because, Phil, the kettle still takes as long to boil even if the water’s hot (unless your tap water happens to be uncommonly scalding), and by using it you’re wasting the energy used by your boiler to heat it! Plus hot water tends to be hanging around in a tank so isn’t as fresh, and therefore your cup of tea will be slightly less nice. Pah. What a RIDICULOUS question. If that’s how you feel, FINE. Go off and see other podcasts; see how they like it when you ask why people don’t leave the fridge door open in summer to keep their houses cool…

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EPISODE 84 – corpses or dogs?

January 29, 2009

Martin's offending picture

Ladies and gentlemen, buoys and gulls,

We are of course sorry to be waving goodbye to you for the next five weeks, but we’re the opposite of sorry to unleash Answer Me This! Episode 84 because it stars a special guest question-answer: stand-up comedian, Edinburgh comedy award winner, star of TV yoof-fest Skins and all-round good egg Josie Long!

With Josie’s assistance, the episode is riddled with such subject-matters as:

mammoths
Megadeth
Natalie Portman in V for Vendetta
deer-cocks
the Puppini Sisters
Warhammer
Billy Bragg
the Book of Job
Take a Break magazine
Renee Zellweger
Ed Gein’s crockery
confectionery seduction
and
Fern Britton.

If you enjoy that and are keen to witness more of Josie’s fine work, head down to the Battersea Arts Centre 9th-12th February for the entertainment extravaganza which she is curating, or to one of her other gigs; alternatively you can stay in the comfort of your own home and watch her DVD instead. And of course keep your ears akimbo for her forthcoming series All of the Planet’s Wonders (Shown in Detail), due to kick off on Radio 4 on 18th February at 11pm.

We’ll be back on March 5th, but please don’t forget us in the meantime: send your QUESTIONS to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, Skype ID answermethis or our Question Line 0208 123 5877. We’ll be posting Written Words on here too, and hopefully addressing some of your inquiries which didn’t get answered in the podcast.

Martin the Sound Man also has a new musical project afoot, about which you can find out more HERE; and you can also download his songs and podcast via his website thesoundoftheladies.com.

Sooo…we’ll see you on March 5th, yes? Yes!

Helen and Olly

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Posted in PODCASTS, special guest episode | 4 Comments »

double you

January 26, 2009

** Click here for Episode 83 **

Perhaps having heard that we’re taking a month off, listener Paddy has kindly stepped into Helen’s etymologising shoes, as it were, and not only presented a philological question but also its answer. Obviously if you all did that, we would be out of business; but once in a while it is most welcome. Says Paddy:

As a fellow Person Who Thinks They Are A Bit Clever And What Likes Words Too, I frequently get asked “Why’s it called a double-u when it’s actually two ‘v’s?” and am getting tired of hiding the bodies of people who ask such a dim question, so if you don’t mind, I thought I’d provide the answer.

The letter W comes from a 9th century German practice of writing the ‘wuh’ sound with two ‘u’s – so “Edward” would have been “Eduuard”. The v-like shape was used to represent capitalisation. The two became one letter by around the fourteenth century, probably due to quick writing linking them together, although the french still call it ‘double-v’. But then again, they’re French. Early printers did separate the letters, but it had become a definite and accepted letter in its own right by the eighteenth century. Isn’t it OBVIOUS? People can be so dim sometimes.

Gormless, Paddy, quite gormless! Who are these clowns you associate with that have no comprehension of medieval printing developments? Tsch.

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dim bulb

January 25, 2009

** Click here for EPISODE 83 **

Reluctant as we are to reignite the Great Lightbulb Row of Episode 82, some of you have been in touch with less ranty contributions than Martin the Sound Man’s in response to Gareth from Glasgow‘s question about an everlasting lightbulb. Firstly: they’re real, says Kathryn from Denver!

Here’s an article about a lightbulb in San Francisco that has burned since 1901 – forever for a bunch of dead people!

If you don’t believe it, there’s a webcam of the damn thing. It’s a fascinating 24/7 glimpse into the everyday comings-and-goings of a lightbulb.

Meanwhile, Neil from Essex written in to suggest how you could manufacture your very own everlasting lightbulb:

The reason light bulbs do “burn out” is because of the filament oxidising. Theoretically if you can make a bulb in an oxygen-free environment it will last forever! Unless you have a power surge or… other things… like nuclear war or an angry child with a fully automatic machine gun.

I’m sure that in the event of a nuclear war or armed-and-dangerous child, it would be a great comfort if your immediate concern was potential disruption to your lightbulb experiment.

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Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine | 2 Comments »