November | 2009 | Answer Me This! Podcast

Archive for November, 2009

EPISODE 119 – a beautifully choreographed dance between two men in leotards

November 26, 2009

***WARNING: This episode contains spoilers
about the 1994 Coen brothers film
*The Hudsucker Proxy****

Undaunted? Then by all means listen on, but don’t complain to us when you get to the 19th minute and discover that 15-year-old plot twist:

This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p, through iTunes or a secure PayPal server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)

This week we bang on about:

Philip Larkin’s debut novel
the three second rule
Tom of Finland
Sir Patrick Mayhew
Jason and the Argonauts
Lorraine Kelly, record-breaker
Stephen Fry’s Paperweight
Sir Menzies Campbell
Rick Witter
the Milton Keynes Snow Dome
Vince McMahon
Porthos
urethral openings
raw chicken
Brewster’s Millions
and
travelators.

Also: how Olly breaks wind stealthily; how Helen’s congenital squint ruined Up for her; and how bananas work, according to Martin the Sound Man. You’d been wondering for years what secrets those little bastards were concealing, hadn’t you?

As ever we’re greedy for YOUR QUESTIONS, so ask ask ask via answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, Skype ID answermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877. We’re very grateful to all of you who shared your stupid nicknames last week – which everyone else can enjoy here; this week, you have the easy task of leaving a comment with your answer to Jorge from Mexico’s question, telling us what you would like to do for one day and one day only. Nothing too blue, please; the shock could kill us.

Also, if you are planning on doing any pre-Christmas Amazon orders, would you be a tremendous dear and log onto their site via this link first? Your Amazonian shopping experience will be 100% the same; however we will then get approx. £0.0000001, which we can put towards a new microphone, or the high-class courtesan we’ve been saving up for. Much obliged to you.

See you next week!

Helen and Olly

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Tags:bodily functions, books, booze, bowels, etymology, films, food, guns, literature, movies, nicknames, penises, police, racist phrases, romance, school, sport
Posted in PODCASTS, User-generated answers | 4 Comments »

The Slimfast Plan

November 25, 2009

** Click here for Episode 118 **

When we hear the phrase ‘liquid lunch’ we think of a wholesome plate of gin, or miso soup. Chris in New Zealand may have other ideas:

(there is no background story to this question and I’m straight as the direction of a light photon)
so answer me this: does sperm have any nutritional value?

Apparently it does; but remember Chris: everything in moderation.

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Tags:food, heath, sex
Posted in extracurricular questions | 1 Comment »

Put your hands in the air like it’s just not appropriate

November 25, 2009

** Click here for Episode 118 **

You remember Episode 115, right? In which we talked about Mexican Waves? Well, Doug from Leicester certainly does:

I remember well (literally) dragged by my then girlfriend to the Royal Albert Hall to see Enrique Iglesias in 2004, and about halfway through he asked us all to get waving, Mexico style. Well, we did, but the Albert Hall isn’t as huge as Wembley, plus it’s got a massive fucking stage in the middle of one wall, so it really was more of a Mexican petering-out as the wave waved round a bit, then stopped stage left, and then started up again stage right in four places at four different times, before we all got bored and sat down again. It was my personal highlight of two interminable hours as 5,000 women of a certain age waited for him to sing ‘Hero’ to sublimate the pain of their own insignificant lives.

So answer me this: what is the most inappropriate or unimpressive place you’ve ever seen a Mexican Wave?

Go on, readers – tell us about all your lacklustre or misbegotten Mexican Waves in a comment on this post. I’ll start: Grandad’s funeral.

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Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine, User-generated answers | Leave a Comment »

EPISODE 118 – from Busted to Bulgakov

November 19, 2009

Look, we know that ALL of you are in too great a tizzy about the impending release of the new Twilight film to concentrate on Answer Me This! Episode 118, but try. Just for us. Even though we’re not all sparkly and bouffant:

This week we speak of:

Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey
Smeg fridges
the True Blood theme tune
Helen’s dad vs. Peter Pan
the colour of Jesus
Lois Duncan
stupid terrorists
Dermot O’Leary
Red Dwarf
and
fun things to do in Birmingham (UK, not Alabama).

Additionally, Olly dreams of walking through a sewer with Dan Ackroyd and a Ninja Turtle; Helen swoons over a Come Dine With Me contestant who seems to have OCD and too few hobbies; and Martin the Sound Man brings up The Master and Margarita as casually as Helen’s baby nephew brings up his lunch. Just in case you were wondering, he is THE CLEVEREST MAN IN THE WORLD. Try to forget it. He won’t let you.

Please, as ever, send in YOUR QUESTIONS – via answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, Skype ID answermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877 – and if you want to tell us about your funny or far-fetched nickname like Smeg did this week, please do so in a comment upon this post. But it has to be a good one, OK? “My name’s David but my friends call me Dave” will not cut it! You’re competing against an adult man named Smeg, remember.

See you next week!

Helen and Olly

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Tags:babies, bombs, Bruce Springsteen, chocolate, Coldplay, cookery, death, family, food, gold, movies, music, myth, personality flaws, phrases, reality tv, sex, taste, television, terrorism, X Factor
Posted in PODCASTS | 25 Comments »

Things not to say on Big Brother

November 18, 2009

** Click here for Episode 117 **

Lock up Prince Philip, it’s time to continue the latest AMT trend, ‘Is that phrase racist, or just delightfully old-fashioned?’ Carol from Leeds enters the fray:

You guys were wondering if the Chinese had any sort of derogatory phases to referring to the whites. We call you guys ghosts, though I don’t think it’s meant to be that derogatory, it’s just referring to your pale skin? I grew up listening to people around me saying it and never thought it was racist. To be honest I wasn’t even aware that there was any hidden meaning, I thought it was just what we call white people, though maybe I was a racist child and grew up to be an old racist? All my friends are Caucasian, even though I don’t have many friends. Hahaha, it’s funny because it’s true. Hope this helps.

Here’s another expression from which it is probably sensible to refrain, courtesy of Jude from Shipley near Bradford:

I’m just listening to Episode 117 and you mentioned a westernised Chinese person is called a banana. The equivalent to this for black people is a coconut.

I first heard this said by a black colleague about another black colleague.

I want to apologise that I’m continuing your ‘is it racist’ thread.

Don’t blame yourself, Jude. We did ask.

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Tags:racist phrases
Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine | 4 Comments »

Ahoy!

November 18, 2009

** Click here for Episode 117 **

Ed from Leicestershire has kindly written in to help Rick from East Dulwich through the intricacies of cruisewear, as broached in Episode 117:

Please can you tell Rich from East Dulwich that I went on a cruise about 1 month ago, and yes you do normally have to dress up and if you go on some certain cruises you get your picture taken on the first day which you have to look your best and it’s quite a smooth sail because it is soooo big and you have to make the classic excursion trip joke: is it an expensive sleep after being on the booze till half past 2 in the morning

Write that one down, Rick, and pop it in your evening jacket. Although judging by the tale of Megan in Surrey, perhaps you should just stay at home:

I recently got back from a shitty cruise with my shitty parents so just wanted to warn the guy worrying about his dinner suit not to lose any sleep because most people make no effort at all on gala evenings. Anyway, my parents complained about my obscene language when I was asleep in our shared cabin which I found extremely amusing (I woke them up screaming that I was “fucking stuck” in my bed and that I was “bloody scared” etc mega lol!!) so Helen answer me this: why do people talk in their sleep?

It’s probably caused by the stress of being trapped in a floating Butlins with your parents and several hundred retirees who wouldn’t hesitate to trample upon your tender young head in their rush to get to the lifeboats, or to the elevenses buffet.

Cheer up, Rick. Contrary to what our beloved listeners above might say, cruises look super-fun in the movies! Ok, NOT Titanic. Or A Night To Remember. Or Death on the Nile. Or that episode of Columbo where Robert Vaughn murders the lounge singer and tries to pin it on Dean Stockwell. But if you need persuading to don a smart suit and hop aboard, this might help:

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Tags:holidays, seafaring
Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine | Leave a Comment »

Uncle Ken saw Lisa Stansfield in an airport once…

November 17, 2009

** Click here for Episode 117 **

More of you have piped up about your famousest ancestors, inspired by Jack from Leeds in Episode 116. James says:

My most famous ancestor is my great auntie Margaret Maughan. She was the first Briton to win a gold medal in the Paralympics at the very first competition in Rome 1960. Her gold medal was in archery and I believe she is a great role to model to future Paralympic athletes and deserves recognition for her achievement. Here is a link in case you don’t believe me. Unfortunately I have never been able to meet her and so have never been able to express my gratitude towards her achievements.

That’s definitely a good one. See if you can top it, Tom from Rutland:

I dug around and found out that:
1. my grandmother’s milkman was Sean Connery;
2. my great-something uncle was Buster Edwards from the great train robbery, he even had a film made about him!!!

Tom has saved the best for last, though:

3. My aunt was in the training team for the mice, horse and ducks in Babe!

Bam! My mum baked the loaves of bread that were featured on the labels of Ruddles beer in the early 1990s, but Tom and James’s familial claims to fame have totally trounced that! But if any of you can outdo them, comment below.

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Tags:family, famous ancestors
Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine | 7 Comments »

EPISODE 117: time – pain = fireworks

November 12, 2009

Hail, fellows,

At the time of writing, two urban foxes are noisily copulating outside AMT Towers. It really is the most unheavenly sound. Hopefully Answer Me This! Episode 117 is rather kinder to the ear:

the Ban The Bang campaign
book tokens
war memorials
Subway flouting ancient Jewish food laws
bananas
The Shadow Of The Wind
FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL
Sir Walter Scott
coloured bow ties
poor nervy birds
and
pineapples up the arse.

Plus: Olly offends Andrew Lincoln but stands up for the meerkats; Helen exposes her brother’s audacious present-recycling tricks; and Martin the Sound Man tries out his common touch, but fails to convince. C-, Martin!

As ever, we want YOUR QUESTIONS via answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, Skype ID answermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877; and this week we would also like you to comment upon this post with your top tips for godparents (are you one? Do you have one? And aside from the obligatory birthday tenner, have you ever actually been deployed in active godparental service?). Alternatively, you can share stories of the worst present you have ever given, in an attempt to amuse us whilst assuaging the guilt that will NEVER LEAVE YOU. Win-win.

See you next week!

Helen and Olly

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Tags:etymology, fireworks, food, hair, holidays, injury, jews, pain, parents, perversion, prawn, presents, racist phrases, religion, sartoria, sex, sport
Posted in PODCASTS | 13 Comments »

keeping mum

November 12, 2009

** Click here for Episode 116 **

A few of you have actually written in to complain that we’re no longer swearing enough for your liking, and that this must be symptomatic of us selling out or going soft. We assure you, this is not the case. We have merely passed the foul-mouthed baton onto you lot instead, as illustrated by the following charming stories inspired by Simon from Oxford‘s question in Episode 114. Like proud parents, we present the progress of Jim from Tewkesbury:

I’m a regular sort of middle-class guy from a regular sort of middle-class area. I have a regular sort of office job, with regular sorts of colleagues. I have invested many hours crafting a veneer of respectability through working diligently with a polite and helpful attitude.

This has served me well when offering dry remarks with my trademark deadpan delivery, as I have retained what I call, “the shock factor”. Perhaps once a month someone will turn to me agog at my latest crude/clever (usually crude) remark.

Following a recent constitutional along the prom whilst listening to your recordings, I found myself with a powerful new tool at my disposal, and the next day I used it to devastating effect with no thought for the consequences. I started an argument with a colleague just so I could deliver the premeditated closing line, “When can I fuck your mum again?” My victim was shocked beyond my wildest hopes.

Well done, Jim, you obtuse-minded cussbox. Let’s see how Steve from Cheltenham compares:

This Sunday my girlfriend and I drove past several lone magpies, which we consider to be bad luck. We both salute the magpies and wish that their wife and child were well, which is supposed to break the curse.

I was thinking to myself, “Fuck magpies, I’m sick of this saluting them bullshit, they are just birds”. It was the third magpie we passed that instead of saluting, I wound down the window and shouted, “When am I next going to fuck your mum?” The magpie didn’t respond, but later that evening our landlord called and said that we’d have to be out of our house by Christmas because he wanted to sell it.

p.s. the guy that first told me that magpies were bad luck (when I was about 14) he drowned, which fucked his day up a treat.

I think we’ve all learnt something from this; I’m just not sure what.

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Tags:swearing
Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine | Leave a Comment »

go nuts for doughnuts

November 12, 2009

** Click here for Episode 116 **

Much like a doughnut itself, the discussion of doughnut holes begun in Episode 112 appears to have no end. Still no word from Johnny Ball regarding the veracity of his doughnut ‘knowledge’, so instead we present to you this clip, thanks to listener Lewis:

Nothing further, your honour.

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Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine | 3 Comments »

2 boys, 1 Spoon

November 6, 2009

** Click here for Episode 116 **

In Episode 114, Olly revealed he can no longer eat even small quantities of cinnamon without suffering a gag reflex, because he and his friend Mr Will Brown recently undertook the ‘Cinnamon Challenge’ – a YouTube meme in which self-hating stupidity-junkies attempt to swallow a whole heaped teaspoon of pure ground cinnamon. For Fun.

Now, following popular demand, we are pleased to reveal the evidence, lovingly caught on camera by Answer Me This! jingle-voice Tom Price. Enjoy:

Let Olly’s fate be a lesson to you all: cinnamon is not to be taken neat.

(But, for those who fancy a bit more Friday Fun, more of our favourite examples of this particular phenomenon can be found here, here and here. Hee Hee!)

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Tags:Cinnamon Challenge, Fail, folly, food, Funny Video, shame
Posted in frippery, visuals | 6 Comments »

EPISODE 116 – like a little canine Houdini

November 5, 2009

Oh dearie dear. Our coverage in Episode 115 of Reggie’s epilepsy dog/girlfriend dilemma seems to have resulted in a resolution – but not a happy one. You lot voted, while Reggie’s girlfriend voted with her feet. Commiserations, Reggie, although you’ve still got the cat to comfort you, eh?

Anyway, let’s hope that we don’t destroy any more relationships in Answer Me This! Episode 116:

Tesco Finest creamy fish pie
Hugh Laurie’s face trumpet
our Helge Rubinstein campaign
Maidstone
Stingy Jack
things to do in Rye
Russell Howard vs. William Hague
salmonella
politicised Peter’s Friends
freestanding baths
Bliss Magazine
Harry Potter
and
the world’s grossest bikini.

Plus: Olly has a novel method of keeping those trick-or-treaters away; Helen blurts out the Sensational Secret that her family revealed just 29 1/2 years ago; and Martin the Sound Man sets a challenge for the Olympic Committee. He’s got pluck, it’s true.

As well as sending us YOUR QUESTIONS – which you can do by emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or voicemailing Skype ID answermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877 – this week we also want to hear your stories of your finest ancestors and your own best moments of fame. Dazzle us all by posting a comment below!

Over and out,

Helen and Olly

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Tags:anatomy, bowels, cats, etiquette, fish, food, Halloween, money, Olly's cat, parties, pets, politics, sex, sport, stupid traditions, tax, yuk
Posted in PODCASTS | 4 Comments »