Answer Me This! Podcast

Episode 59 feedback

June 24, 2008 by Helen Zaltzman

** Click here if you’re keen to listen to EPISODE 59 **

It’s feedback time! No, not when a horrid screeching sound comes out of the sound system at a gig, but when you delightful chappies shed light on issues raised in the podcast. Firstly, Graham from Canada has a tip in response to Adam’s plea for homework excuses in Episode 59:

My tip to avoid work is: eat about 10 multi-vitamins, then a sandwich, then phone your work once the sandwich is eaten and phone in to work sick (the multi vitamin sandwich thing is so barfing noises are real) this could be applied at lunch as well, if you want a half day. (Note, the zinc in the multi-vitamins in larger quantities is what causes the barfing.)

Before you merrily chow down on multivitamins in preparation for the upchuck of your life, please be aware that THIS IS NOT SOUND MEDICAL ADVICE. Also, why waste your fake sick day on actually being sick? But if you’re an emetophile or fervent self-hater, then go right ahead by all means.

Next to clean up one of our messes is Josh, commenting upon Luke from Birmingham‘s question about allergies in Episode 58:

Contrary to what Martin the soundman said, there is such a thing as an allergy to water and it doesn’t kill you before you’re born at all. Interesting!

The condition is called Aquagenic Urticaria. People who have it come up in really painful, itchy, itchy hives after coming in contact with water of any temperature, even their own sweat can trigger an allergic reaction. This means that they have to take really fast showers and have emergency umbrellas on them all the time. Let’s all think about that for a while.

Ouch! Yes, let’s. And then let’s cheer ourselves up by thinking about less severe allergies and weird reactions to foodstuffs, not only because it’s been AGES since we last did that, but also because Beth has been in touch to ask:

Am I the only one who breaks into a forehead sweat when I eat salt and vinegar crisps? Nothing else salty, vinagery or crispy, just them.

IS Beth the only one? Share, readers, share! And while you’re at it, please leave a comment here about your own bizarre food reactions, because we are horrible people who love to laugh at the digestive quirks of unfortunates.

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EPISODE 59 – 100% swear-free!

June 19, 2008 by Helen Zaltzman

This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p, through a secure PayPal server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)

Welcome, listeners, to a LANDMARK EPISODE OF ANSWER ME THIS!: though we’ve now done enough podcasts to last more than an entire Earth day, Episode 59 is the first ever one in which we curb our urge to swear every five seconds. No, really! Our cravenly uncouth mouths produce nary a Kant, sheet or Phuket. It’s so clean, you could perform an emergency appendectomy with it.

So, if swearing’s off the menu, what the flip isn’t? Well, today’s specials are:

A Chorus Line
Kentish car boot sales
lab-dogs
the Little Shop of Horrors money-box
antiseptic booze
rotten eggs
RE vs Scripture
Joan Collins vs the passage of time
High School Musical vs Helen’s patience
saturated meat fat vs the coronary artery
the Queen Mother
and
the Radiohead version of We Will Rock You.

Furthermore, Olly says more things to ensure that he’ll never get a guest spot on Pobol y Cwm; Helen flips the bird at the World’s Most Popular Biscuit; and Martin the Sound Man defames Zac Efron in a manner that is both disgusting and probably accurate.

It’s Episode 60 next week so if you want your free bus-pass on the AMT Bus, send us QUESTIONS by emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, phoning 0208 123 5877 or Skype-ing answermethis; also please get in touch if you know some good cures for hiccups or excuses for handing in your homework/important grown-up documents late. Those are things it is useful for everybody to know.

See you next week, *@£%-face!

Helen and Olly

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Stools rush in

June 18, 2008 by Helen Zaltzman

Seeing as we’ve already had one post about bodily functions this morning, let’s just say, “Sod off, bumface!” to delicacy and have another. Regarding the unanswered question “Why are stools called stools, as in bowel movement stools?” in the theme tune of yesteryear’s Episode 38, Graham from Canada theorises:

It could be because poo is one of the first things they use to test, if they don’t know what you have, supporting them, like a stool…

Maverick theory, young Graham. But rarely are semantics so abstract, and the origins of this term are rather more prosaic: in Old English the word ‘stool’ referred to thrones and other such fancy seats, but when the French word ‘chair’ then entered the language, ‘stool’ got relegated to armless and backless seats, including those which one sat upon to evacuate one’s bowels. By the fifteenth century, poor old ‘stool’ was applied not only to the pieces furniture, but also the shits produced thereupon.

From throne to poo…oh, the bathos.

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Red semen at night…

June 18, 2008 by Helen Zaltzman

Following the discussion on shades of sperm in Episode 57, Mik wrote in to share this worrying turn of biological and social events:

A while ago my sperm turned bright red. A little worried, I called at my doctor’s. She told me not to worry it was caused by over-active sex (lucky girlfriend) and would gradually disappear. To keep a check I was to wank into a condom every day and compare results. After about a week, and feeling pleased at my now healing sperm, we all had a good night on the town, returning to my place to carry the party on. The question is this: did i get my condoms filled with various shades of spunk out too early to show everyone, as the party atmosphere seemed to lose its direction after that?

Gosh. In an evening of festivities, how early is ‘too early’ to invite admiration of your bloody emissions? If you are one of Mik’s friends who happened to be present at this gory soirée, please leave a comment to say what time would have been the optimum point of proceedings for him to produce his display; then hopefully his future parties won’t peak prematurely.

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EPISODE 58 – Obviously, I’m happy ALL THE TIME now…

June 12, 2008 by Helen Zaltzman

Greetings, listeners! And best of luck to you if you’re in the middle of Exam Season, as the several dozen exam-related questions we’ve had in the last few weeks suggest you might well be. To help you out, we’ve had a sneaky peek at the General Studies GCSE paper, and these are some of the essay questions we saw we saw on it:

1.  How did Disney get their princes to look so damn dreamy?
2.  How did Hitler make his nostrils look so small?
3.  What kinds of museums do they have in Cyprus?

Obviously we can’t condone cheating of any kind; but to find out the answers, have a listen to Episode 58, then submit 300 words on three of the following:

the panopticon of Jeremy Bentham
second-hand underwear
fit fonts
the Bluetones
sweaty courgettes
getting it on with Plato
British cheese vs French cheese
steroids vs tear ducts
museum fatigue
the birth of Aphrodite
and
that Kanye West song that Martin won’t shut up about (you may refer to the video at the end of the post to revise).

Furthermore, Olly’s teenage ambitions to turn out like William Baldwin in Sliver; Helen is let down by her entire collection of reference books; and Martin the Sound Man nominates himself as holiday rep for Arse-Scratch Island.

As ever, we love receiving your QUESTIONS as much as Timbaland enjoys making funny honking sounds on other people’s records; so please email them to us at answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, phone them to 0208 123 5877 or Skype them to answermethis.

See you next week, for the first ever swear-free episode of Answer Me This! – we shit you not!

Helen and Olly

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And here’s Martin’s beloved Kanye West video:

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Alphabeat confusion

June 11, 2008 by Helen Zaltzman

Here’s a puzzle, listeners. (Not a puzzle like these puzzles, but a Curious Conundrum which we’ve had trouble answering.)

A few weeks ago, we had the following email from Josie from Surrey:

Is it just me, or does Olly look very much like the man on the video for ‘Fascination’ by Alphabeat – if Olly was a lot younger and Danish? It worries me that every time I see the song on in the school gym, it seems like Olly’s face is looming out at me all the time. This is understandably disturbing – no offence Olly.

Well, perhaps we are just thick-eyed gorms, but we couldn’t work out which member of the band was supposed to look like Olly! Although we did discount the girl. Watch the video and see what you think:

But that’s not the end of the matter. Even if you do think Olly looks like a fellow from Alphabeat, what do you make of this from Dave from Coventry?

Why is it that when I listen to the podcast you two always remind me of the pop duo Alphabeat, even though I know you don’t look or sound anything like them?

Answer us this, listeners: DO WE OR DO WE NOT LOOK LIKE ALPHABEAT????

To help you decide, here’s us:

And here’s Alphabeat:

Can’t tell us apart? There are six of them, for a start.

Do Helen and Olly look like the band Alphabeat?

View Results

more at twiigs.com…

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International squabbles settled: cookies vs. biscuits

June 11, 2008 by Helen Zaltzman

Back in Episode 54, listener Michele asked: ‘Why are cookies called Biscuits in Europe? To us, biscuits are something that come with overly fried food at KFC, not a sweet dessert best dunked in coffee. And if you call cookies “biscuits”, what name do you use for the soft flaky bread we Yanks call biscuits?’

The Answer Me This! team get approximately 60% of their energy from biscuits, so were greedily qualified to explain that ‘biscuit’ derives from the Latin for ‘twice-cooked’ and that said ‘soft flaky bread’ would be pretty much the same as what is known in Britain as a scone (although such an item would never be seen in a British KFC, unless a careless old lady had accidentally knocked her cake-stand into the deep fat fryer).

But a question remained: why do Americans call cookies ‘cookies’? Enter David from Canada, a man used to this biscuit/cookie confusion because ‘as a Canadian, we have to deal with both terms’:

It’s because New York used to be New Amsterdam. New Amsterdam was settled by the Dutch, and because New York was so important to the development of the American lexicon, Dutch words were already being used for a lot of everyday items by the time the British took over. Cookie derives from the Dutch word “koekje”, which means a small cake.

As for the American biscuit, you’re right. It’s essentially a bland, sometimes heavy, scone. Often used to sop up gravy. Here in Canada, we call them tea biscuits.

‘Tea biscuits’?? That’s opening up a whole new world of befuddlement! If that’s the name you give them, what do you call the rich tea biscuit, which, confusingly, is far less rich than the Canadian tea biscuit, and completely hopeless when introduced to gravy? I call the rich tea biscuit a tedious waste of snack-time, but I doubt that title has spread across the Atlantic.

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EPISODE 57 – like Dictionary Corner, but for wanking

June 5, 2008 by Helen Zaltzman

Today is a dark day, listeners. We never, ever thought it would come to this. Perhaps we were naive or short-sighted, or downright delusional…oh God, it’s so hard to know how to tell you this, but we’re just going to have to say it:

Answer Me This! Episode 57 contains a Football Fact.

We hardly even know who we are any more.

To make up for the aforementioned Unspeakable Outrage, the Fact that Dare Not Speak Its Name, this week we also offer:

The Iron Lady
nachos
Hector Castro
the lost month Sextilis
Anita Dobson
car-smuggling
Ingrid Tarrant
Barry Crocker
protein-folding for dummies
Tony Hatch
Ritalin
Roger Rabbit
the dark days pre-Hollyoaks
David Gray
Windows Vista
and
fat.

Plus Olly tries his hand at 80s political satire; Helen is distracted by her own brilliance; and Martin the Sound Man refuses to share his blood. What a selfish rotter! Some of us are thirsty, dammit!

We’ve been amused this week by the number of spam emails we’ve received entitled ‘You have a stupid face answermethispodcast’ (can’t deny it…), but we’re even more amused by the wonderful QUESTIONS you bunch of champions have been sending us this series, so please continue to entertain and intrigue us by emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, phoning 0208 123 5877 or Skypeing answermethis. They brighten up our days no end.

See you next week!

Helen and Olly

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X marks the spot (of your sloppy kisses)

June 3, 2008 by Helen Zaltzman

Regarding Phil’s question about the letter ‘x’ denoting kisses in Episode 56, we have received an intriguing new theory on the matter from the lovely Louise:

The letter ‘x’ when said phonetically sounds a bit like this –

“kss”

This is very similar to the word ‘kiss’ which is said like this –

“kiss”

Hmm – certainly doesn’t seem too far-fetched, Louise. But as the origins of ‘x’ as symbol of affection remain undecided, have any of the rest of you got plausible theories for it? Let us know, and through teamwork this mystery can be vanquished.

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EPISODE 56 – the only link between Schindler’s List and Bad Santa

May 29, 2008 by Helen Zaltzman

Listeners, you’ve done us proud. Droves – droves! – of you have written in to identify Mark from Essex’s mystery tune from last week, and even the late Maria Callas has got it on the brain, as you can see from the above video. So, thankyou very much to everyone who stepped into the breach to quell his curiosity; you all win a prize! Each of you gets a super-special copy of Answer Me This! Episode 56, which adheres to the following agenda:

the clappers
Brick, rodent-style
fake vegetarians
Airwick
coltan
True Lies
bicarbonate of soda
sexy Saxons
Missy Elliot’s Ferrari bed
Tasers
mouse-murder
Olly’s landing strip
and
θ.

Plus, Olly mines a new source of squeamishness; Helen is cold and heartless in correspondence; and Martin the Sound Man explains why you are morally obligated to eat chickens just so the hawks don’t get them. He blames EVERYthing on those pesky hawks.

And, even though the world is fast running out of crude oil, tigers and WW1 veterans, it appears to have no shortage of QUESTIONS; so please send us yours by emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, phoning 0208 123 5877 or Skypeing answermethis.

See you next week – and in the meantime, see below for a Meat Loaf refresher course.

Helen and Olly
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EPISODE 55 – thanks, little schizophrenic friend!

May 22, 2008 by Helen Zaltzman

Hello pals!

Tracksuits? Lucozade? Brushing one’s teeth? Sounds like Answer Me This! is on a health kick in Episode 55! But don’t worry, we’re as wheezing and lardy as ever, as you can hear for yourself. Star-jumping their way through this week’s ear-workout are such topics as:

the new Answer Me This! badges!
Eddie Izzard
tuck boxes
PVA glue
Elizabeth Hurley
California
H&M Hennes
the Voice of Topman
Pennywise the Clown
and
the birthplace of the Industrial Revolution.

Plus, Olly reveals a disturbing admiration for the noises emitted by Celine Dion; Helen worries how to keep the team’s relationships purely professional; and Martin the Sound Man tries to pretend that his home town of Telford isn’t completely crap.

But we wouldn’t be able to have such larks if it weren’t for you and YOUR QUESTIONS, which you should submit to us by emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, phoning 0208 123 5877 or Skypeing answermethis. Few things could please us more!

See you next week,

Helen and Olly

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Attention! Mann on telly!

May 19, 2008 by Helen Zaltzman

Aside from all the other Media Shizzle we’ve been up to lately, Olly will be on ITV’s This Morning on Tuesday 20th May around 11.25am! So tune in to see him chatting with the lovely Phil and Fern; or if you’re yet to hear him chatting with the not-so-lovely Helen and Martin the Sound Man in Answer Me This! Episode 54, click HERE.

** Update! You can now watch Olly’s appearance on This Morning HERE **

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