Answer Me This! Podcast

** Click here for Episode 185 **

Non-British readers might not understand this next question from Paul from Reading, because we’ve noticed that in, for instance, the USA, anywhere with two sheds and a 7-11 can call itself a city. Over in Grand Britain it’s not that simple. It used to be as easy as throwing up a cathedral (ahem, ‘city’ of St David’s in Pembrokeshire), but not any more; as Paul demonstrates, it’s now more of a lottery presided over by an octogenarian:

Next year, as part of the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee celebrations she has the awesome power to award a town full city status. Reading, where I live, has applied for the third time and is desperate to win. The buses to the station even say “City Centre” on the front as the final destination.

If not, what can they do to increase their chances?

These are the towns vying with Reading for the title: Bolton, Bournemouth, Chelmsford, Colchester, Coleraine, Corby, Craigavon, Croydon, Doncaster, Dorchester, Dudley, Dumfries, Gateshead, Goole, Luton, Medway, Middlesbrough, Milton Keynes, Perth, Southend, St Asaph, St Austell, Stockport, Tower Hamlets and Wrexham.

Come ON, towns. What the hell are you smoking? Tower Hamlets, you’re already IN a city, don’t be greedy! Dudley…seriously, dream on. Goole, you’ve got an amusing name, but you have fewer inhabitants than the average tube station in London.

I don’t see why Reading can’t see off all these small fry – it even seems to be the gamblers’ favourite, although if I were Reading, I would watch out for Milton Keynes because MK’s had its eyes on that prize for aaaages and it’s willing to fight dirty.

If any of you readers have an In with the Queen, put in a good word for Paul’s beloved home town. Or just go to the comments and tell Reading what it needs to do to win. Install multi-storey herbaceous borders? Institute a weekly fancy dress parade? Get a bit more character?

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** Click here for Episode 185 **

Ok, so a chicken, a donkey and a bear walk into a bar. No, wait a minute, a duck, not a chicken. And the bear orders a pint of – no, hang on, the donkey orders a bag of dry-roasted peanuts, and the barman says…hang on, it’ll come back to me, wait a minute…no, it’s gone. OK, Derek from Kettering, you tell us one:

Years ago I was told a visual joke. On a piece of paper you draw a large upside-down ‘U’ shape which represents a hill. On top of the hill you draw a square which represents a brothel. Next you draw a stick-man running up the hill towards the brothel and a stick-man walking down the hill away from the brothel. Finally draw a stick-man in the brothel. Now ask: what are the nationalities of the 3 men?

The man running up the hill is RUSSIAN to get there.
The man walking down the hill is FINNISH.
But I can’t remember the man in the brothel’s nationality.
I’ve retold the joke many times, but no one’s got the answer.
It’s driving me mad… so, now, put me out of my misery and answer me this: what is the nationality of the man in the brothel?

Erm, is he a British man who’s got separated from the rest of the stag party in Amsterdam and went into the nearest premises for directions? No? Alright then, readers, step in and finish off Derek’s joke. Although something tells me the eventual payoff won’t be worth it.

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** Click here for Episode 184 **

Readers, please go to the comments and brandish advice for Chloe from London:

I am a 22-year-old female and I was recently asked out by a guy at work. We had coffee and chatted and had a good time, but when I added him on facebook I found out he’s 33. Answer me this: how big an age difference is too big? Is 11 years too many?

He’s not exactly the Hugh Hefner to your Crystal Harris, is he? Ignore the fact that when he hit legal voting age you still couldn’t tie your own shoes and give it a whirl! The problem is not so much the age difference, as whether you are both currently wanting similar things out of life – eg if one of you wants a footloose existence while the other wishes to settle down.

That said,
this pair both wanting to get married doesn’t stop it being wrongwrongwrongwrongWRONG.

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** Click here for Episode 184 **

Laura and Justin from the USA need your help to get their musical comedy satisfaction:

We are big fans of the Australian musician/comedian Tim Minchin; we have purchased the only one of his albums that is available in the US, and we have even been lucky enough to see him in concert. However, most of his CDs and DVDs are available for purchase only to those who have a UK e-mail address.

Helen and Olly, please answer us this: Do you know of any buying clubs or exchanges where British folks can purchase and ship items to Americans that we can’t get here, and vice versa? And if not, do you have any ideas on how we could set up such an arrangement? We would be happy to buy and ship anything to the UK in exchange for a Tim Minchin fix!

Hold on, readers – don’t take advantage of their peachy-keen offer to ship ANYTHING to the UK, I outright forbid you to co-opt Laura and Justin into your international drug/exotic animal/firearms trading empire.

If, however, you can help them out with the name of any copyright-swerving buying clubs, or if you yourself have been hankering for something only available in the US which is of roughly equivalent value to a Tim Minchin CD, go to the comments and let’s get this mutual back-scratching started.

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** Click here for Episode 183 **

Pay heed now to this question from lonely Leeds-dweller Alex:

I moved to Leeds for Uni 7 years ago and, after I finished my useless degree and messed around for a bit temping in terrible offices, I decided to get a career. Therefore I have undertaken a second degree, this time in nursing. However a lot of my friends have become disillusioned by Leeds’ charms and have moved away. This has left a significant hole in my immediately accessible social circles. Answer me this: how can I make new age-appropriate friends (most of the girls on my course are 18 – I think as a 27-year-old male it would look a bit weird if I were to only hang out with such young girls)?

Befriend people who are doing post-grad courses, for a start. Other than that, follow the suggestions that our sociable readers have left for you in the comments (readers, go to the comments and submit your suggestions RIGHT NOW. It is your duty to the NHS).

This must be a very common problem these days, judging by the number of versions of it we receive every week. One of you enterprising people out there should set up a Match-style site for adults who simply want to find friends. Right?

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** Click here for Episode 182 **

Seeing as covert surveillance on unsuspecting targets seems such a hot topic in the British media lately, let’s address the following question from Melissa from Kansas:

Recently my ex-boyfriend came back on leave from being injured like a ridiculous idiot tripping like a lunatic in the middle of a flipping war.

Anyway, I saw him in the parking lot of a local store and wondered what he was up to so I tried to check out his Facebook page, but he had blocked me. So my question is, would it be creepy if I made a separate Facebook profile just to keep tabs on the asswipe?

Of course it would be creepy! That is, if he’d even agree accept the friend request of someone he’s never heard of who has zero other friends (unless you were planning to track several other estranged acquaintances too). Casting yourself in a Psycho Ex-Girlfriend role would hardly reflect well on you either; nor would the decision to such lengths to spy upon somebody whom you believe to be an ‘asswipe’, rather than moving the hell on and avoiding psychological attrition at your own hand. Lastly, you do NOT want to be like any of the people in this story, you really don’t.

Sanctimonious lecturing over, let’s look at Melissa’s supplementary question:

Have any of you ever felt the impulse to check up on an ex?

Of course! Who hasn’t? We like to make sure that our former paramours are mere shells of human beings after we’ve finished with them, drifting through their drab wretched half-lives, ever bereft without us…or we at least like to know that they are aging prematurely. However we never stooped to such schemes as Melissa’s; we prefer to use flying monkeys for those dirty jobs.

Anyway, readers, have you ever in the past yielded to your inner Glenn Mulcaire and found out anything exciting about your ex? And how far did you go in the endeavour? Moving in next door would count as ‘far’. This would count as ‘definitely too far’.

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** Click here for Episode 181 **

Our next correspondent asked that their name and address be redacted, so they will henceforth be known as Captain Scammington:

I have hit on a way to get anything you want for what you want to pay – yes really, and this isn’t junk mail I promise.

Now answer me this: is it so terribly wrong to fraudulently offer something for sale you don’t have (big business would never do that, would it?)? Or is it sticking it to the man and to be applauded?

Readers, you sit on all points of the moral compass. Is there something noble about sticking it to Big Business with a bit of petty crime? Is one foolish not to use the mildly naughty means at your disposal to bag yourself a bargain? Or is wrongdoing just plain wrong?

Whatever you say, though, I’m sure Captain Scammington will continue their cheapskate ruse until either they cook up an even better one, or they get struck by lightening.

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** Click here for Episode 179 **

Julia from Oxford is the biggest sexual deviant since James Spader in Crash. (And Secretary.) She writes:

I’m massively attracted to men who are good at science, which may say something for evolutionary theory as I’m rubbish at it and may be trying to secure some scientific intelligence genes for my future offspring.

So answer me this: What are your biggest unconventional turn-ons?

Gather round, pervs! Go to the comments and tell us your wrongo turn-ons, and try not to get too aroused whilst doing so.

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** Click here for Episode 179 **

The following person has written to us under the pseudonym “Jeremy in Stoke” (to conceal the fact he is actually a lesbian blogger in the Middle East). He has a fake name, but a real problem, you see:

Despite being a happily married man and father of two small boys, the girlfriend of a friend of mine has started cracking onto me rather a lot recently. Let’s call her Emma. She flirts with me so obviously when we are out that it has become a standing joke with some of my friends (even my wife says she finds it rather funny in a sad kind of way).

I obviously don’t want to, because I’m a bit too English.

That’s right. You and he must never have a heart-to-heart about this, unless you want your UK citizenship to be revoked.

In fact, I’d hesitate to talk to him about it whichever nationality you are. He evidently trusts you and your upstanding Englishness completely, to see nothing but innocence in her hussyish come-ons; and so far you’ve done nothing to break that trust. Perhaps he is even aware of her vixenish ways, but has chosen not to act, rather than embarrassing you, himself and his errant ladyfriend. If you wade in, it could cause a fissure of awkwardness in your friendship and a dent to the dignity on at least one of your sides.

However, you could have a short stern word with Emma asking her to knock it off; or, better yet, your wife could stage a catfight with her in the middle of the street. After some publicly humiliating hair-pulling, tit-punching and screams of “Step off, bitch!”, her ardour might be dampened. Tell your wife to get acrylic nail extensions beforehand.

Readers, agree or disagree with me? I don’t mind which, but I do urge you to go to the comments to advise Jeremy upon apt procedure.

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