••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT195 •••
I don’t know whether our next correspondent Dave needs to see a proctologist or a psychologist:
Answer me this: does anyone else occasionally cry when they shit? If so, why? If not, do I need to see a doctor?
Archive for the ‘User-generated answers’ Category
lavatorial lachrymosity
November 10, 2011SUBSCRIBE WITH iTUNES • AMT BOOK • QUESTION ARCHIVE • EPISODES • FAQ
Brief encounters
November 10, 2011••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT195 •••
Danny from Leeds has discovered nice things to look at from one’s seat on the Great North Eastern Railway, aside from Durham cathedral, the Angel of the North, and Berwick-upon-Tweed:
Recently I was travelling back on the train from my home in Leeds to uni in Edinburgh. I was sat opposite this very attractive Asian lady, probably a bit older than me. We were doing that thing where you catch each other’s eye, hold their gaze and smile, and other flirting for ages. THIS NEVER HAPPENS TO ME.
So answer me this: are there some rules or advice for how to take it further and do you think I have may have missed a golden opportunity??
Put it this way: you certainly didn’t GRAB any golden opportunity, did you? Therefore you could be said to have missed one. As for taking it further, how about striking up a conversation? If you needed a pretext, you could have offered buy her an overpriced drink from the buffet car, even though the tea tastes like burnt shepherd’s pie. You then have several hours for chit-chat, so by the time you chunter into Edinburgh Waverley you should have definitely reached the point of at least exchanging email addresses.
But you didn’t, so you’ve condemned yourself to a lifetime of “What if?”. If only you’d seized the day, like Alan here:
Last weekend I got a girl’s number on a night out. I’d never done this before so decided what the hell, I will text her. That went well and we decided to meet up this weekend to do “something”.
This is where the problem is… I have no idea what to do! Usually I have a habit of hooking up with friends, or at the very least acquaintances, so I know them before we ever go on a date and therefore can usually plan something I know they’ll like. All I know about this girl is her name.
So answer me this: what are good things to do on a first date? Something fun, unique and memorable that will ensure I get a second one!
Are AMTfans hopeless romantics, or just hopeless? Readers, over to you. Go to the comments and plan Alan’s date for him, giving him suggestions not only for the first date but for the putative follow-up. His happiness depends upon it!
SUBSCRIBE WITH iTUNES • AMT BOOK • QUESTION ARCHIVE • EPISODES • FAQ
• iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH •
chicken tail wine
November 8, 2011••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT195 •••
Idioms present a challenge when attempting to master any language, as Jeannie in Beijing demonstrates:
I work as a business English trainer and a few months ago one of my students asked me to recommend a good chicken tail wine.
Following several moments of confusion, I realised that he was referring to cocktails, but had adopted a very literal translation. This is one of my all time favourite examples of Chinglish – the term complacent expats (who usually speak little or no Chinese funnily enough) use to refer to entertaining mistranslations from Chinese to English.
My top 3 examples:
3. (On a toilet door near the Olympic Stadium) ‘Deformed man toilet’
2. (Written on the front of a school text book) ‘Today’s real simple like you, you and you no longer’
1. (In a hospital waiting room, pointing the way to gynaecology) ‘Cunt Department’.
Readers, do please share in the comments your favourite foreign malapropisms. Although I suppose Jeannie’s examples aren’t so much malapropisms as the very essence of bluntness.
SUBSCRIBE WITH iTUNES • AMT BOOK • QUESTION ARCHIVE • EPISODES • FAQ
• iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH •
wedding presents and wedding presence
November 3, 2011••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT194 •••
There’s something which is far more likely to result from a wedding than a lifetime of marital bliss: everlasting rifts with family and friends! Add a faraway wedding destination to the usual stresses, with associated expense and inconvenience, and forty years later Cousin Mabel will still be shredding the bride’s Christmas cards.
So have pity – and advice – for Rob from Bedford here:
We are a UK-based family. My sister is getting married next year and has decided to do it in Sri Lanka of all places, which means we are being asked to fly to Sri Lanka and spend a week there for the wedding.
My wife thinks that this is an unreasonable request and I’m fairly uncomfortable about it myself. I also have a small child to think about, who will be a few weeks short of two years old by then. Who knows, we might even be expecting a second.
I don’t think you can use hypothetical foetuses as an excuse not to go, but I understand your grievance. ‘Reasonable’ is not usually uppermost in a couple’s mind when planning a wedding, although even the most wedding-bonkers pair should be reconciled to the fact that many of their guests will not be able to make it if distance and cost are involved.
However. As a member of the immediate family, you really are obligated to make every attempt to attend, even if you have to go solo and leave your wife and child (and, alright, your potential child-to-be) at home.
Agreed, it’s pricey and annoying, if your sister or her fiance have no ties to Sri Lanka and have no reason to be holding the event there other than it’s nice. But your absence would be interpreted as a hostile gesture, not only by your sister but by other members of your family. If you think going to Sri Lanka for a week is inconveniencing you, just imagine all the tearful phonecalls and rows in the run-up, and the recriminations for an untold span of aftermath.
It’s an event that means an awful lot to your sister, so if she means anything to you, stop complaining and start researching flights. Better still, start thinking positively about the occasion: I hear Sri Lanka is very beautiful and child-friendly, and your sister has given you the excuse to take a family holiday there.
Jack in Leeds sounds more chipper about his faraway wedding problem:
My friend is getting married in November. We would love to attend but he has, rather selfishly, chosen to hold the wedding where he lives, Sydney in Australia.
Despite this, I still want to get them a nice gift, but would like something more imaginative than ordering flowers etc. So, answer me this: what would be a great wedding present that would fit in a card?
Readers, go to the comments and help Jack choose a present. As things which fit in a card tend to be vouchers, which are BORING, I have decided to extend the criteria to include non-floral items and/or services he could order for delivery in Australia. Go!
SUBSCRIBE WITH iTUNES • AMT BOOK • QUESTION ARCHIVE • EPISODES • FAQ
• iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH •
sick as a dog
November 3, 2011••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT194 •••
Are there any vets* reading this? We’ve just received an emergency call from James from Washington DC:
My dog just swallowed a condom.
It’s not mine…we were in the neighborhood for his morning walk.
Will he be ok???
Readers – will he? Does James need to perform emergency surgery with the stick with which they were playing fetch? Should he try to get the dog to puke up the offending item? And does he need to take any special measures to avoid catching an STD from the inadvisable snack?
*or staff of the family planning clinic
SUBSCRIBE WITH iTUNES • AMT BOOK • QUESTION ARCHIVE • EPISODES • FAQ
• iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH •
Making the first move
October 27, 2011Bobby from Sheffield has a problem in the bedroom:
What can I do to make my woman initiate sex? We’ve been going out for 4 years and not once has she made the first move unprompted.
I’ve tried waiting for a couple of weeks but I caved in, asking her about it but she says she’s scared to get it wrong.
From what I gather it’s her insecurity (I am considerably more athletic than she) and sheltered upbringing (she was a daddy’s little princess) that prevents her from taking the lead. She’s always on bottom yet it would be nicer to feel desired once in a while.
Apparently this is a common problem with guys I’ve spoken to.
Even though we’re all supposed to be sexual stormtroopers in the wake of SATC and whatnot, it is indeed a common problem, and Team AMT members will have undoubtedly encountered it; so I appeal to them to find their inner Dan Savage, then go to the comments to offer sensible and sensitive advice for Bobby and his unconfident lady.
••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT193 •••
SUBSCRIBE WITH iTUNES • AMT BOOK • QUESTION ARCHIVE • EPISODES • FAQ
• iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH •
NSFW art
October 25, 2011••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT193 •••
It’s time for a question of art from Danbo from Surrey:
I have recently started a digital film course at my local arts university (Farnham for those who may wish to know) and in one of our lectures we were shown a film which, well which I can’t make heads nor tails of. It’s called “Balkan erotic epic” by Marina Abramović.
Answer me this: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS PIECE OF CRAP! Why would someone want to shove a fish up their snatch?! Or expose themselves to the sky?
We’re trading at the fartier end of art here, but it’s certainly pretty funny. It’s also thoroughly NSFW, so view with caution: (more…)
redundancy pay
October 19, 2011Here’s a second question of cash for today, this time from Will from Oxford :
I am being made redundant on 31st December. While the prospect of my forthcoming unemployment is a bit depressing, but on the bright side it does mean I will be receiving a redundancy payment of £6500 on 1st January. So…
Assuming I am not going to do anything boring and sensible like invest it wisely in a savings account, how should I spend my redundancy pay so as to get the maximum amount of pleasure out of it? I’m open to any suggestions except going ‘travelling’ around Asia to ‘find myself’ or similar, as I am not a complete douchebag.
Readers! Race to the comments to tell Will how to squander his nest egg, seeing as he’s so determined not to stow it away safely under the mattress.
••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT192 •••
SUBSCRIBE WITH iTUNES • AMT BOOK • QUESTION ARCHIVE • EPISODES • FAQ
• iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH •
neither love nor money
October 19, 2011A question of cash now, from Nick from Manchester:
There is a girl who I really like but she owes me money. I’m not sure what to do, I don’t want to over-push the fact she hasn’t paid me back otherwise she may think I’m too aggressive and care too much about money, but I don’t want her to use me for money and also I would really like my money back.
Answer me this..
What do I do?!!!
That’s a tough one to answer, Nick, seeing as we don’t know why she has your money, nor how much it is. If you think there’s a possibility of her using you for your money, that suggests at least thousands of pounds, not a fiver. And you don’t want it to look like you are paying her for her company, because as romantic comedies go, Pretty Woman is, when you think about the facts, not at all romantic, and also quite dark.
You could give her a hint in a Gentle and Humorous Way by playing her this:
But she might just counter with this:
However, if it all goes really badly, at least you’ve got this up your sleeve:
••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT192 •••
SUBSCRIBE WITH iTUNES • AMT BOOK • QUESTION ARCHIVE • EPISODES • FAQ
• iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH •
proscribed postcard
October 19, 2011
Here’s a mystery from the not-so-distant past, courtesy of Nigel from Dublin:
Many years ago (c1990), as a young man, I was in Majorca with some male friends and I was sending postcards home to everyone I knew.
For one particularly debauched friend, I chose a card with a photo on the front of a nude woman diving into a pool (taken from the rear, so it was pretty rude). When I next saw him, I asked if he’d appreciated the card, to which he replied with a puzzled, “Erm… yeah, thanks!”
Surprised by his lack of enthusiasm for the subject, I enquired further and was amazed when he claimed that the card was just a normal one. He then produced the card, and sure enough, he was right. On close inspection, it was clear that another picture – one of those stock montages with several shots of the local scenery on it – had been glued over the original card!
So, answer me this: who the hell was employed to censor postcards from Spain in this way? Does it still happen? Does it happen from any other countries?
Readers, you have such diverse pasts and chequered careers. Have any of you ever been in the postcard-censoring business? Tell us all about it in the comments! I look forward to your stories of when you had a bad day so you stamped ‘REDACTED’ in thick black ink over an innocent ‘Happy 5th Birthday!’ message.
Also, can we be sure that it was the Spanish who were doing the censoring? It seems to me that if either side was displeased by nude women diving into pools, it is more likely to be the Irish. I suppose the clue would be whether the superimposed picture was of sunny Spain, or rain-lashed sheep.
••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT192 •••
SUBSCRIBE WITH iTUNES • AMT BOOK • QUESTION ARCHIVE • EPISODES • FAQ
• iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH •
elephant vaginas
October 12, 2011••• ANSWER ME THIS! RETURNS ON 13th OCTOBER; IN THE MEANTIME, CLICK HERE TO CATCH UP ON EPISODES •••
Welcome to zoology corner. Find a seat quickly, because we’ve got a lot of questions to get through:
1. Kyra: can turtles really breathe from their butts?
2. Claudia from Australia: do horses spit? My friend thinks they do but I think she is WRONG.
3. James: I was recently told that elephants have 3 vaginas, 1 real one and 2 fake ones, is any of this at all true?
I tried to google it but only found a detailed description on how to make an origami vagina!
I don’t want to google any of these – after doing this podcast for nearly 5 years, my search history is already dodgy enough. I really can’t run the risk of adding origami to the mix.
Readers, step up to the plate, and provide your knowledge of fauna in the comments. Good luck to you, and remember to clear your caches afterwards.
SUBSCRIBE WITH iTUNES • AMT BOOK • QUESTION ARCHIVE • EPISODES • FAQ
• iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH •
new kid on the block
October 6, 2011••• ANSWER ME THIS! RETURNS ON 13th OCTOBER; IN THE MEANTIME, CLICK HERE TO CATCH UP ON EPISODES •••
Here’s a genuinely delicate question from Shaun, which describes a scenario that I think is considerably more commonplace than our bawdy modern society would admit:
For years, I dealt with crippling social anxiety. But now after dealing with it and finding medication that fixes it, I’m forcing myself out into the world.
Part of this involves dating. I’m in my late twenties and have never had a girlfriend or any sexual experiences. I remain hopeful, since I’m moderately attractive, hygienic, and not a (complete) asshole. I’ve just never been able to handle it socially until now.
So my question is this: how do I tell my date that I’ve no experience at all? I figured I would just mention it when it came up, but on the few dates I’ve had, it hasn’t. I’m not going to lie about it, and from what I’m told if I ever manage to have sex with someone my lack of experience will be pretty obvious.
So what do I do? “I won’t know what to do with you” isn’t really much of a pickup line.
I don’t know who you take me to be, Shaun, but I’m not much of a pickup artist either. However, readers, you’re a bunch of lady-magnets, so I look to you to provide useful advice for Shaun in the comments. Hurry! He’s been waiting long enough already.
Answer Me This! Podcast 