Answer Me This! Podcast

Here’s a pranking opportunity from Izzy:

Our sexual education lesson coming up at school, so answer me this:
What HILARIOUS sex-related questions should I post in the Q & A box for my poor teacher to read to the year?

Izzy! It would be highly irresponsible of us to encourage a sex ed class to descend into mirth, given the shocking teen pregnancy and STD rates in this country; and the average secondary school teacher has surely suffered more than enough.

However, we’re not above passing the buck of irresponsibility to you guys! Go to the comments and post the question you hope will make a roomful of embarrassed people even more embarrassed. Anything to help the students forget the horrific realisation that their teacher has probably Done It at some point.

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The following is a problem which is surely not too common amongst you, yet is certainly quite pressing for Malika, Head of Marketing at the National Space Centre:

I wonder if you can save my sanity and put to an end the number of people who use the following phrase when speaking to me on a daily basis…

Yes I work at the National Space Centre and we have rockets and real science happening all around us, but as I work in marketing I realise what I do is not rocket science, so answer me this – how can I politely explain to people that I have heard this about a thousand times this year alone and it just isn’t funny any more!

Mosey to the comments, readers, and sharpen up some fine ripostes for Malika to fire at these jokesters.

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** We’ll be back on July 15th; meanwhile click here to listen to
past episodes of Answer Me This! **

Liz from Aberdeenshire is about to take a step into a wider world. But what should she pack into her satchel before she does?

I’m heading off to University in three months’ time and I know I’ll need to start getting some stuff together reasonably soon and I have no idea what I need to get.

Answer me this: what is the one VERY important, cannot-attend-University-without item that I should get my hands on before I move? Thanks.

When we trotted off the Ira Glass Academy For Advanced Podcasting, we made sure we were equipped with such dull-but-useful items as extension leads, kettle, our own bedding, capsule collection of kitchen knives, vitamin pills, mugs, teapot, rudimentary first aid kit, bottle-opener, spare bottle-opener, respectable dressing gown for early-morning fire alarms, fourteen dictionaries, photo montage, camera, crumpets, toy moose’s head, washing powder, fairy lights, flashing neon clock and a poster for a film that was halfway between populist and obscure. But what was the one item that YOU insisted upon? Tell Liz in the comments, do.

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** Click here for Episode 138 **

Here’s a dilemma from Kat from Sevenoaks:

My friend just got dumped by her slimeball of a boyfriend, and I have a friend who would be perfect for her. The only issue is, he has the most disgusting goatee in the world, which looks a lot like a limp, black, dead rodent hanging off his chin. He’s had it for years.

So, answer me this: how do I get a guy I don’t know that well to shave off his facial hair?

This is not only an etiquette puzzle – for what business of yours, Kat, is the appearance of this gentleman? – but also seems to necessitate the subtle employment of some reverse psychology. Nothing will make him cling more stubbornly to his facial adornment than the knowledge you wish it banished. So try to find a picture of someone undesirable who sports a similar look – perhaps a serial killer or a boyband member who has passed his peak – then leave your friend to join the dots, then shave.

But readers, if you have a cunning ruse to unleash the chin of this man, please describe it in the comments.

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** Click here for Episode 136 **

Here’s a good question from Jim from Tewkesbury, aged 29 and 11/12ths:

I recently had a dream about my first crush, who I haven’t thought about for years.

On waking I obviously thought of you guys, so, Helen and Olly, answer me this: who were your first crushes, and how did their lives pan out without you holding them back?

Olly’s became an interior designer. Helen later went out with hers for three years, shortly after which he gained himself a wife and three children. Martin the Sound Man’s is lost to the sands of time (ie he has no idea, but she’s probably safe and sound somewhere. Isn’t she, Martin? ISN’T SHE?).

So what do you reckon, readers? Are our first crushes the winners in this equation? And what became of your own first crushes? Go forth to the comments and tell us, please!

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** Click here for Episode 136 **

Readers, Americans need your help to enjoy their jaunts to Britain! Firstly, Annie from Eugene, Oregon:

I’m going to London this summer, and as a huge theatre fan I figured I’d ask you: What shows should I see? What shows should I drag my non-theatre-loving boyfriend to?

Any ideas? Stick them in the comments below (unless those ideas are sending her to American shows that have arrived in London five years later with an inferior cast. Or Stomp). Then restoke the fires in your brain on behalf of Crystal from Baltimore:

I am going on vacation to England during the first week of June. When I asked my little brother what kind of souvenir he would like, he requested a smashed penny. In the U.S. there are these sort of machines in touristy places with big cranks, you put two quarters (for payment) and a penny (for smashing) into a slot, and then turn the crank. The machine sort of presses the penny flat and puts a little relief picture of the place you’re at or something iconic on it. He’s got smashed pennies from a lot of places in the U.S., but I’ve suddenly realized you don’t use our money in England.

Helen and Olly, answer me this: Are there smashed pence machines?

None that I’ve ever seen. Though there are quite a lot of smashed pennies on the pavement, if your brother doesn’t mind a souvenir covered in dirt and pigeon shit.

If not, what might be a nice England-y present for a five-year-old boy? I’m willing to spend slightly more than the equivalent of 51 cents, I love him that much.

That truly is love… It generally seems to us that abroadniks enjoy souvenirs which riff on classic Britacular stuff like the red buses, phoneboxes and black cabs (rather than the binge drinking and high teen pregnancy rates), and in places like museum stores you might find some excellent phonebox-shaped objects and toy wooden buses which would be ticklish to the average five-year-old. But it’s been a while since we were five, or were bought a souvenir of the city in which we live, so please deliver your own suggestions in the comments.

P.S. The tour of southern England we are taking involves spending an afternoon in Tunbridge Wells. Is there anything there we shouldn’t miss?

Well, I’d suggest missing Tunbridge Wells. But if you must insist upon going there, then after your inevitable trip to the Georgian wonderland that is the Pantiles, pay a quick visit to the nearby ancient bookshop where I used to work. If you suffer from dust allergies, take a breathing mask.

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** Click here for Episode 136 **

Here’s a question from Mark in London:

Like most teenagers I am broke, and am looking for some quick ways of making money. I turn 18 in a couple of weeks and was thinking of selling a few of my little soldiers at a sperm bank, or possibly doing some clinical trials.

So answer me this, is that a good idea?! Do you know any ways that I can make some money?!

Look at us. We spend most of our working week doing a podcast for free. Of course we don’t know any ways to make money!

But readers, if you can think of some means for an unscrupulous teen to increase his monies, then please let him know in the comments.

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** Click here for Episode 135 **

Get ready to point and laugh at Amber from Kansas:

The set up: One day at work about three weeks ago I was offered chocolate covered blueberries while sitting at my desk. Later, I went home, threw my work clothes in the dirty clothes basket and that was that.

So Helen and Olly, to alleviate my intense embarrassment, can you tell me what your worst retro-active embarrassing moments are?

If we haven’t already shared them in the podcast (and longtime listeners will have had more than enough of our embarrassments), it’s because they make us wince so much that our spines would become permanently misshapen and our skulls would cave in from the internal screaming.

But hopefully you guys suffer from no such reservations, so head into the comments and share your shame!

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