…by buying a copy of her brother’s new book!
Yes, her comedian brother Andy Zaltzman, off the radio, telly and The Bugle podcast, has written his very first anthology of poetry toilet book, Does Anything Eat Bankers?. Get a copy before mum snaps them all up.
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** Click here for Episode 75 **
It has taken nearly two years and sixty-seven episodes. But at long last, marvellous Mark from Essex has stepped up to the plate and made our Best Idea Ever into a glorious reality:
AGES and AGES ago (episode 8) you said, in response to someone asking a question about why do people who smell not know that they smell, that there should be a website where you can enter someone’s E-Mail address and it sends them an E-Mail saying that they smell.
I’ve been meaning to make such a website for ages, and finally got round to it.
www.youreallysmell.com
Enjoy :p
Mark, you have actually made our dreams come true. (Unfortunately not the dream where we become the kings of Peru, but we’ll keep holding on to that.) People, use this service! But don’t abuse it, or some innocent unpongy fellow you’ve been teasing anonymously will start scrubbing themselves with wire wool, and dousing themselves with Lynx, which of course smells worse than any odour an armpit could produce on its own.
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** Click here for EPISODE 75 **
To all of you who have been guessing valiantly as to what our day-jobs are, Olly is finally ready to come out of the closet and declare that, at the moment, he’s writing and producing a comedy clip show for Yahoo Video with the comedian Tom Price. Click here to watch it! If you stick around RIGHT to the end, and you’ll even glimpse a charming cameo by Mr Mann himself.
It comes out every Friday. If you enjoy it and would like to see more, or if this video player we’ve posted is being a shitter and not playing properly, you can see all ten archive episodes and related amusements at http://www.getyourislandon.co.uk.
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Hello there, dear chums,
Things get pretty heated in Episode 75 of Answer Me This!. It must be a pretty important issue to cause an altercation between us, right? Well, what could be a more inflammatory topic than whether or not Fantasia is dull? Listen to the episode, and remember to nod or shake your head at the appropriate junctures.
Aside from Fantasia, topics of conversation include:
Aristocats
Interpol
Olly’s mum’s hat collection
Martin’s dad’s head collection
bready drinks
Cole Porter
Four Weddings and a Funeral
Lord Admiral Nelson
Gyles Brandreth
Sebastian Horsley
Oscar Wilde’s podcast
Children in Need vs. Help the Aged
Mary Poppins
gunmetal grey
and
bee wangs.
Plus, Olly describes his early forays into Amsterdam-style theatricals; Helen worries about a poorly punctuated epitaph; and Martin the Sound Man suggests leaving the poor ickle kiddies to fend for themselves. What a hard-hearted rotter! Pudsey Bear is patrolling the streets looking for him right now, to give him a good piece of his mind.
And while he’s doing that, why don’t you give US a piece of YOUR mind by sending us a QUESTION? You can Skype answermethis, phone 0208 123 5877 or email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com; or you could just ululate into the wind and hope for the best. It’s not as reliable a method as the others, though. Thank goodness for the communication opportunities offered by technology.
See you next week!
Helen and Olly
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Just because we’re between episodes 74 and 75, here’s a little musical treat:
You’re all very welcome.
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Hello dear listeners,
Of course this week saw a New Dawn, and all over the world change is sprouting through the ground like the year’s first snowdrops…except at Answer Me This!, where Episode 74 sticks to the old formula of smut, gubbins and half-brained fact. Vote with your mouse, and click to hear it. Maintaining the status quo are such topics as:
Donkey Punch
Californian lavatories
licentious Space Mountain
elephant-flavoured Fanta
Big Ben vs. Centrepoint
Ben Adams (both solo and in A1)
pre-natal boozing
sock fetishes
HMS Victory
marriage-wrecking
and
Aphex Twin.
Plus, Martin the Sound Man tells why you should always doubt news stories based on reports and statistics; Helen suggests a novel way to cover one’s face during the ‘ugly duckling’ years; Olly weaves a riveting story out of St Alban’s, Laura Ashley and his new bathroom cabinet. You wouldn’t think it could be done, would you? Well, by no means cease thinking that.
We’ll be back next week with Episode 75, so please send us YOUR QUESTIONS thus: Skype answermethis, phone 0208 123 5877 or email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
Seeya!
Helen and Olly
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After we speculated upon what American chums might crave as gifts from the UK in Cairn‘s question Episode 72, Peter from Chicago has been in touch a few sensible recommendations:
Cricket bat: Although you may find it hard to believe, most Americans wouldn’t know where to get a cricket bat if their lives depended on it.
Snooker table: Not one of those scaled down 10-foot American versions, a full 12-foot long British one. This will be too large for carry-on.
Tea: Many in the United States might not get the concept of tea not in a tea bag, so you may have to explain just how to brew tea without a tea bag.
I’ve always wanted a tea tin in the shape of police call box.
(Yes, I’m a fan of the old Dr. Who. My grandmother even knitted me scarf like Tom Baker.)
Thanks for the native advice, Peter! Although in these paranoid times I think it could be quite hard to get a cricket bat across the pond. Willow has on the prohibited substances list ever since Bin Laden used it to reinforce his garden fence.
Just for you, Jim: a recently spotted cheese wedding cake
On the back of the same discussion, we also received an impassioned response from our US food expert Jim in New Jersey:
Yes! The best and most desired British foodstuffs here in America are your cheeses. Good lord, you don’t know how lucky you are. American cheese is cheap, spongy, and flavorless. We even have an entire state (Wisconsin) devoted to cranking out tons of the stuff, most of which ends up being given away for free to poor people. But a good piece of Stilton, say, is pure heaven.
So if any of you British listeners are swinging by New Jersey anytime soon, be kind and drop off a care package of cheese to Jim. Of course it may be difficult to transport Stilton across the Atlantic since Bin Laden nominated it as his favourite baked potato topping – or for the reason that Alan from famed cheese county Cheshire points out:
I thought that US immigration prohibited visitors from bringing animal and plant derivatives into the country. So answer me this: is it legal to take cheese to America, or were you just trying to get your listener a very intimate experience with a US immigration officer?
You’re right, Alan – we lost our sense and distributed irresponsible advice. Such is the power of a fine cheese.
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We dropped the ball this week. What’s more, we dropped it right into the birthday hopes and dreams of young Chris from Holt, who sent the following:
It’s my birthday 3rd of November and it’s not going to be very good, here’s why:
i) It’s the first day back after half term
ii) All my family have to work or are away
iii) I have a maths test in the afternoon
iv) In the morning I have to play football in the rain and I hate
football.
I was just wondering if you could sing me happy birthday on the Thursday before hand as it would make my week! 🙂 Now I’m going to cry in a hole!
Thank you in advance
Chris
Suffice to say, we failed to do that. But guess what – we managed to get our celebrity chums The Beatles to sing it for you instead!
Unfortunately they kept calling Chris by his childhood nickname ‘Saturday Club’ that nobody else uses any more, but hey, that’s just what those guys are like.
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Since his question on the subject in Episode 67, many of you have been clamouring to know what Halloween costume Graham from Canada plumped for this year.
Happily for you, us and the podcasting world at large, he has very kindly provided a photo of his ‘victorionox-gunslinger’ costume – and note his pumpkin-carving wizardry beside him!
Graham from Canada: great 'tache, even better pumpkin
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Trick or treat, listeners? Trick or treat?
Actually it doesn’t matter which you pick – we’re only going to give you Answer Me This! Episode 73 anyway. Which lacks the surprise factor, but is better than a mini-Mars bar or a rotten egg through your letterbox. Promise!
Secreted in the episode, like the razorblades hidden in the apples old Mr Scratchbastard is giving out, are such topics as:
Daniel Craig
Immac
Home Alone
Primark’s politically incorrect jimjams
Barbie vs. Metallica
Emo Phillips vs. Emu
Home Depot vs. Alton Towers
Jack Bauer vs. monuments
ovulation
Mariella Frostrup
film noir
A Bug’s Life
special macchiato
the Russian Royal Family
and
laughing gas.
Plus! Olly kindles envy with his voluptuous cleavage; Helen practices her sexy voice; and Martin the Sound Man gets ladybirds mixed up with ladyboys. Which might explain some of the pictures on his computer.
Also, if you’re interested in some of our extra-curricular activities this week, watch Olly talking about the newspapers 11.30pm Friday 31st on Sky News, or Helen talking about ping-pong robots on yesterday’s Skynews.com. If you’re not, and would prefer to send us a QUESTION or just to get in touch, please Skype answermethis, phone 0208 123 5877 or email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
See you next week, unless we’re all eaten by ghosts!
Helen and Olly
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In Episode 72, we answered Paul from Eastbourne‘s question about swearing on the Bible in court with all the savvy of people who think Ally McBeal was an accurate depiction of the legal process. Fortunately Saira from Kent has elaborated on the process:
I’m a Fingerprint Expert and have to give evidence and we are given the choice of taking the oath or the affirmation. The oath is ‘I swear by almighty God that the evidence I shall give shall be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.’ You don’t say ‘so help me God’ at the end unless you are on a film set where they obviously try and spice it up a bit. You can replace God with Allah or whatever deity your religion prefers. The affirmation is ‘I do solemnly, sincerely and truly declare and affirm that the evidence I give shall be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.’
So we can still swear on Almighty Zeus! What a relief. I think he was getting really worried that nobody takes him seriously anymore.
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Hello chaps! And apologies for the lack of an episode last week, although we’ve very much enjoyed your guesses as to which operation Helen had. There are many outlandish suggestions – and one of you was very close! – but you can find out the prosaic truth by listening to Episode 72.
Along with the identity of Helen’s mystery ailment, the episode holds such noisebits as:
guinea-pigs
Rear Window
the many hits of Status Quo
karma
Imax-face
Global Hypercolour*
Fortnum’n’Mason
douche-bags
Goldwyn-Mayer syndrome
great British cheeses
and
romantic advice for Michelle Branch.
Plus, Olly is a traitor to his own sex, Helen bemoans her wonky corneas, and Martin the Sound Man shows vaunting ambition for his spiritual future.
Also, thanks to the dozens of you who wrote in to avail Mark from Essex of the information about the song he sought in Episode 71, and happy 18th birthday to AMT! superfan James from Lincolnshire! If you have more songs, birthdays or, most importantly, QUESTIONS to tell us about, don’t be shy: please Skype answermethis, phone 0208 123 5877 or email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
See you next week, unless we have to have emergency bottomectomies or something!
Helen and Olly
*UPDATE: Dagnammit, it seems Global Hypercolour may be making a comeback! Fiona in New York tells us that American Apparel is staging a revival of revolting colour-changing t-shirts. Batten down the hatches before we’re all deluged by a tide of other pointless crap returning from the 90s, like Pop Swatches and the band Echobelly.
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Answer Me This! Podcast 