Answer Me This! Podcast

** Click here for the Best of AMT2010 Part 2 **

Hooray! James from Salisbury has found love, or something akin to it, in the least likely of circumstances:

During Christmas, the family and I were watching the Christmas special of Who Wants To Be a Millionaire? and I noticed that Maths and IQ legend Carol Vorderman was one of the contestants.

So, answer me this – During your lives, have you ever had a strange crush on someone?

Of course. We’re only human! As are you, readers – so go to the comments and reveal the celebs who give you shame-boners.

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** Click here for the Best of AMT2010 Part 1 **

You seemed to enjoy this Bond question a few weeks ago, so here’s another one, from Jonathan aged 20 and a half:

A work colleague recently told me that he collects model cars – not just any cars though, he collects the GE Fabbri-published “The Official James Bond Collection”, which he has received fortnightly for a little over 3 years (on a side note the magazine was originally meant to run for 40 issues but has been continuously extended to a final run of 110, meaning he has spent over £900 on James Bond model cars).

P.S. His FORMER Girlfriend was so angry that he was spending so much money on these shitty models he had to have them delivered to his mum’s house and sneak them in at night in boxes. It was a contributing factor in the end of their relationship.

Look, if he went to the trouble of nocturnally smuggling his Bond loot, he must like it a bit, because you’d never be so stealthy about something you really had bought for investment alone, like stocks or Krugerrands. Moreover, if only he’d been honest with his nearest and dearest from the beginning, stating clearly that his accumulation was for fiscal rather than emotional fulfillment, they wouldn’t be wasting their money on more Bond shit which he’s too chicken to put on eBay.

It’s too late to save this fellow from further Bondage this Christmas, but here’s a plan to take care of future presents: he should just casually mention to family and friends that he’s thinking of selling his collection. They will ask why, whereupon he can unassumingly say what he should have said years before: that it was all for money, not interest. They will feel a bit bashful at not understanding their dear friend better. Although obviously they will think he is a tit as well.

Readers, I hope you never get yourself into this sort of mess, but like this fellow, EVERYbody needs to know how to escape a series of wrong presents. Donate any advice you have on the matter in the comments; or just tell us how, thanks to someone else’s false assumption, you got given Power Rangers merch for seven years on the trot.

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** Click here for Episode 160 **

Ho ho ho and ho again; here’s a question from Callum in Devon:

Simple Question: Best Christmas Movie?

How can you say that’s a simple question, Callum? It’s far from simple even to pick the ultimate Christmas movie genre – kiddie caper, blubfest, classic black-and-white film, modern farce, something involving Scrooge, etc etc… And what about shorts like The Snowman, or those movies which aren’t about Christmas but are always on at Christmas, and therefore enter the canon of Christmas movies? Movies set at Christmas but not about Christmas (eg Gremlins), do they count? And does ‘best’ mean the film that is Christmassiest, or the one that is artistically superior?

Tshch, the choice is overwhelming me; I must go and lie down. While I do that, readers, go to the comments and tell us which is your favourite festive film.

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** Click here for Episode 160 **

Time for a question from Joseph from Bournemouth:

Are there any professions which still require the person to wear a bowler hat?

I can think of a handful: tap dancers; porters at Christ Church college, Oxford; and saddle seat riders. Any more? Tell us in the comments. NB ‘Shoreditch Twat’ is not a profession.

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James Bond: old dirty bastard

** Click here for Episode 158 **

A challenge for you, readers! We received the following email from Woody:

James Bond films are on the television every bloody day, and two major features run through each film: shit one-liners after a procastinated death of an adversary, and James Bond shagging every female character for no reason, other than to pass time.*

If you’ve recently woke up from a 50-year coma and stopped off here for a cultural catch-up, that’s pretty much the size of it. Thanks Woody. But where’s he going with his pithy precis?

Answer me this: what is the total number of female characters which James Bond has sex with, in all the movies?

So, there’s that one he has sex with in a mini submarine, the one with the thighs of death, the one he gets a bit rapey with….yeah alright, I have a strong aversion to Bond and there’s no way I’m sitting through all 60000 hours of the franchise to answer this question. But chances are at least one of you has, so tell us James Bond’s magic number (it’s definitely more than 007) in the comments and we’ll send you an Aston Martin in the post.**

*Woody is forgetting the time when James Bond has sex with Denise Richards for the sole purpose of making the most soul-destroying pun of the 20th century.
**We won’t.

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** Click here for Episode 157 **

Rory from Stourbridge but in London writes to us on prison notepaper:

On the 10th November there was a demonstration in London about university funding. I got carried away in the moment and ended up wreaking havoc at the Millbank building.

So gang, answer me this, what were the defining and important moments of your youth or life so far?

I wrought a disappointingly small amount of havoc in my youth, so am turning this one out to you, readers. Go to the comments and recount your youthful havoc there. And don’t forget to wipe your feet on the way in.

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** Click here for Episode 156 **

Sam from Bournemouth has managed to email us a question at the same time as doing a big belm:

The other day a friend and mine were chatting, when I made a comment about dodos for whatever reason. She replied “Oh yeah, I love dodos, I saw one when I was 10.”

So, answer me this; have you ever been in a situation where someone says something so mind-numbingly retarded, that can’t even think of a way to reply?

I must admit, I was a touch dumbfounded when Olly said he didn’t know where the Pacific Ocean is. Bear in mind he had spent a recent holiday driving up the Pacific Coast Highway.

Everyone else: betray the brainfarts of your dear friends in the comments.

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** Click here for Episode 156 **

I imagine quite a few of you have the same problem as Emily from Essex in the current Dark Economic Times. She writes:

I am currently one of the bazillions of university graduates who are unemployed at the moment. To make matters worse for myself, I stupidly decided to do a subject I enjoyed…English, renowned for its inability to get you a job. I’ve been trying to get into publishing but, seeing as the British Heart Foundation’s electrical shop recently rejected me, I don’t hold out much hope.

So answer me this: What can I do to stop myself going mental and flipping out? I’ve already contemplated getting an addiction just for something to do. I had around twelve cups of tea yesterday. It’s a slippery slope.

Emily could take a tip from HM Prisons Service, who try to stop their inmates flipping out by making them do useful tasks such as the laundry, the cooking, the mailbag-stitching etc. You could become the foremost mailbag-stitcher of your generation, which would give you something of an income on Etsy.

Anyone else who has a decent plan for Emily instead of twiddling her thumbs until they drop off, tell us it in the comments.

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** Click here for Episode 155 **

Cate in Glasgow has worked herself up into a bit of a tizzy:

I have just been asked on a date by a very nice boy, who is lovely, but not attractive. I have accepted because he was really nervous and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. But if he asks me to be his permanent girlfriend, how can I tell him ‘no’, without hurting him, and still stay friends with him? Also, what if the date is really really awkward? What should I do? Also what were your first dates like?

So many questions! Firstly: it might be better to wriggle out of the date beforehand, as you going on it might raise his expectations unfairly and make your subsequent romantic rejection all the more painful.
Secondly, if you don’t want to be asked to be his permanent girlfriend, try to behave like a complete arsehole on the date and then he won’t want to ask. He won’t want to stay friends either, but such is the pickle you’ve got yourself into.
Thirdly: since you don’t want to go on it, of course the date will be really really awkward. So don’t go on it. See my above point.
Fourthly: mine involved a trip to the cinema with a boy called John to see Naked Gun 2 1/2. Readers, tell us in the comments what yours were like!

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** Click here for Episode 155 **

A question now from Philip from London:

I have a job. It’s maternity cover, but I might be offered a permanent position even if the formerly-pregnant woman comes back. I don’t know for sure, so I’ve been looking into other jobs. If I get an interview for a job, how can I take the day off work, without anyone finding out it’s for an interview?

Tell them you’ve got a doctor’s appointment? That you’re going to a funeral (also explaining away your uncharacteristically smart attire)?

I’m not well-placed to answer this since it’s been many, many years since I had a job where anyone would have noticed my absence. So readers, step in and tell Phil in the comments how to dodge office scrutiny in this matter.

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** Click here for Episode 154 **

Don your mufti, gather your packed lunches and board the coach for a question from Andrew from Leeds:

My sister (13), has just come back from a school trip to lean about water usage and recycling – to a sewage works. Yes – it was as unpleasant and foul-smelling as it sounds, and after lunch, over half the kids refused to get off the coach. I think the smell was worse then my school trip to a Camembert factory a few years back.

You’re forgetting, Andrew, that school trips aren’t supposed to be fun. Even the ones that are supposed to be fun are not fun, because you’re there to learn, which of course is mutually exclusive to fun. Hence during my school trip to Chessington World of Adventures, we were forbidden to go on any rides because we had to fill in a questionnaire about wildlife. What did I learn from that? Some useful facts about wildlife? NO; we learnt the more important lesson that adults are cruel and life isn’t all fun and games, just as your sister learnt that life can be a big vat of shit.

So, answer me this – what’s the worst school trip you’ve been on when at school?

Readers, we sense you’ve suffered far worse than us during our adventures to the power stations and wildfowl centres of southern England. Take a trip to the comments to tell us about your dumbest, dreariest, or downright dangerous school trips. Best one gets to sit up front next to Teacher on the ride home.

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