Archive for the ‘Rock the Vote’ Category

lavatorial lachrymosity

November 10, 2011


I don’t know whether our next correspondent Dave needs to see a proctologist or a psychologist:

Answer me this: does anyone else occasionally cry when they shit? If so, why? If not, do I need to see a doctor?


to comb or not to comb

October 13, 2011

Apparently, over 25% of men aged 30 will have had to consider Keith‘s question, wittingly or not:

I just finished shaving my head. Like many of my friends in their early 30s, I have been struck with male pattern baldness. And like so many of my balding friends, I have chosen to be completely bald rather than futilely dragging long hair from the side of my head over the top. My dad and his generation seemed to prefer the combover. Everyone I know seems to find this look disgusting.

In the history of mankind, has a woman ever found this remotely attractive or preferable to a bald dome? Has anyone ever been fooled into thinking a man with a comb over had a full head of hair? And finally, how long have men been walking around like this?! I MUST KNOW!

I shall address your questions in reverse order. Firstly, Emperor Constantine sported one back in the 4th Century, and emperors don’t tend to be particularly inventive with their hairstyles so it was probably in currency for a while before – for some reason, I picture at least a couple of the apostles with combovers.

Secondly, people might be too polite to say that they have rumbled the follicular deception. Or they might be easier to fool than one might imagine.

Thirdly: ladies, it’s time for you to vote.

If you can’t make up your mind, here’s a visual aid.

nothing to hide. Nothing.


Bus nudity dilemma

September 8, 2011

** Click here for Episode 190 **

I’m going to steer clear of the buses in Seattle, after this question from Joe in Seattle:

Answer me this: would you rather sit directly beside a naked man on the bus or a fully-clothed man with his wiener hanging out?

I’d go for the naked man, because I’d assume he was either a harmless naturist, or a groom from a 1980s wedding farce who’s managed to unchain himself from the lamppost and swim back to the mainland, and is now on the bus to his own wedding where he has to stop the bride saying ‘I do’ to the evil best man who has sabotaged him thus.

Whereas a man who was clothed but whose wiener was unleashed, I would assume that he was keeping it easily accessible as he finds buses sexually arousing. I don’t want to sit next to anyone who finds public transport erotically stimulating. Nor would I want to be there when he finished.

But readers, how about you?

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To grass or not to grass?

June 29, 2011

** Click here for Episode 180 **

Pete from Lancaster has a workplace grievance crossed with a moral dilemma:

I work with some people who are freelance and I know for a fact they don’t pay tax! They work at a telesales company and arse around a lot when they should be bringing money in. Annoying.

Please answer me this:

Should I grass them up to the taxman in this age of austerity? Or is unfair to do that?

Readers, decide for him.

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One marriage in a spin (cycle)

June 15, 2011

** Click here for Episode 178 **

Allegedly, Bronwyn and Simon submitted the following question jointly. However, the wording suggests that it is Bronwyn alone leading the charge:

In between washes, is it better to keep the washing machine door open or closed?

I think it would be better to keep it closed so the seals don’t perish and it doesn’t rust; however my husband is insistent that leaving it ajar is better as it allows the air to circulate.

It turns out that my brain simply refuses to devote any of its activity to this matter, so readers, you must decide. Marital harmony depends upon it.

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forbidden love

June 8, 2011

** Click here for Episode 177 **

Here’s a very tricky romantic problem from Sean from London:

I have been going out with my Bangladeshi Muslim girlfriend for three years now, and what with me being an Irish Catholic, she is yet to introduce me to her parents as she thinks they won’t approve (despite my attempts to persuade her).

Normally this wouldn’t bother me, but she is moving back home for the foreseeable future, and it seems unlikely that I will get to spend much time with her.

So answer me this, what should I do? Should I introduce myself against her wishes, put up and shut up, or should I just cut my losses?

There are multiple risks with each approach, respectively: possibly getting your girlfriend into a load of shit with her family; living with the situation for a while, but inevitably having to face the same decision at some point in the future; losing your lady love. On the other hand: you might charm the parents; have a wonderfully old-fashioned relationship by letter; or find that you weren’t well-matched after all and your new single status is, in fact, a boon.

Anyway, seeing as this is a serious dilemma, and one of which many of you may have had similar experiences, let’s tackle it with all the gravitas and tact we can muster: an online poll.

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May 10, 2011

A conundrum of fittitute now from Josh from Washington DC:

Is it better for your ex’s new boy/girlfriend to be:
Fitter than you or
Less fit than you?
If they’re fitter than you, it’s depressing because they’ve moved up in the world. If they’re less fit than you, it suggests that they have low standards, which in turn reflects badly on your own fitness.

Readers, what do you reckon?

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questions of manparts

April 12, 2011

** Click here for Episode 174 **

We’ve heard of John Thomas, we’ve heard of Ralph, but we’ve never heard of Paddy Reilly, who is an intimate consort of Patrick in Germany:

For some reason, in my family, penises were referred to as our “Paddy Reillys”. I’m Irish and Paddy Reilly is a folk singer from Ireland, but I have absolutely no idea how his name came to stand for the male genitalia.

So, answer me this: have your readers ever heard this euphemism before, or is it completely unique to my strange family?

Readers, have you? Tell us in the comments, or if your parents had a whole other name for Paddy Reilly. Then you can help decide the future of listener Dan‘s Paddy Reilly:

I have two lovely children, with a third on the way.

I am very, very tired. Should I get the snip?

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wet or dry

January 19, 2011

** Click here for Episode 162 **

Callum in Penrith

I just had my first shave (I’m 14). Olly and Martin, answer me this: do you prefer a dry or wet shave?

Olly prefers 80s-style designer stubble, kept at the perfect length by a beard trimmer; while Martin only shaves once a quarter, for which he uses an industrial sander. So, readers, it’s over to you to tell Callum in Penrith how you keep your face bald:

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baldy man

December 2, 2010

** Click here for Episode 158 **

It’s been a terribly cold week, so I do hope Ben from Bedford possesses a good woolly hat:

I am a man of age 23, and my hair is thinning quite a bit around the expected baldy man bald patch area toward the crown, as well as receding at the front.

Luckily I am quite tall, and only ever really get comments (from heartless cunts) when sitting down or being followed down some stairs for example. My dad is a baldy, as are my grandads, so eventual baldness is entirely expected.

So, answer me this: what am I to do? Should I shave my hair immediately and no longer delay my fate? Or should I cling on to some variety of hair style until my head becomes completely follicularly barren?

Readers, determine the future of Ben’s scalp:

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To shave or not to shave?

November 2, 2010

** Click here for Episode 154 **

Esau was a hairy man. Jacob was a smooth man. And Michael from Leeds can’t decide whether he’s an Esau or a Jacob:

I am a very keen cyclist, and am a member of one of the local cycling clubs. On our weekly club ride a lot of cyclist from various local clubs take part, and they all have shaved legs. I know this is a common practice among cyclists, but I am unsure whether to take part in it my myself. My wife is especially against it.

So answer me this: should I shave my legs to fit in with the rest of the group, or should I keep my hairy legs as they are?

Well, cyclists obviously aren’t a vain bunch. Hence their ready acceptance of patches of arse-sweat, their willingness to wear cameltoe-inducing shiny leggings, and their adoption of helmets that make them look like Willem Dafoe in Spider-Man. All these fashion no-nos are milestones upon the road to optimal aerodynamics, as is the leg-shaving. All that air resistance dragging against your leg-hair could add ruinous numbers of milliseconds to your ride-time.

Plus, all those bald-legged cyclists will mock you if you don’t join in their depilation games. You’ll look much better when wearing fishnet tights. And if leg-shaving’s good enough for David Beckham

On the other hand, if you do decide to depilate, it’ll add ruinous minutes to your shower-time. Cactus-like prickliness will characterise your shins. Does it stop at the legs, or are you supposed to deforest your body from top floor to basement? Your non-cyclist friends will mock you, and your wife will be angry at you for clogging up her Ladyshave. And if David Beckham jumped off a cliff, would you?

There’s so much compelling evidence on both sides that we’re throwing this dilemma out to you lot.

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Oh, grow up

August 12, 2010

** Click here for Episode 144 **

Here’s a classic question Dylan from London:

I had an argument with my partner the other day about whether or not women are more mature than men. I’ve heard this idea thrown about time and time again but is there actually any truth in it?

There’s only one way to settle this: FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!


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