Answer Me This! Podcast

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Giddy-up, friends!

Since unveiling our Skypetacular Answer Me This! Question Line a mere month ago, we’ve been mega-excited to receive all your calls. Especially the man who left the following message: “Er…This is a message for Stephanie…You spoke to my wife earlier, and she said you might be able to help us…” SURELY a call from a man seeking a threesome via a small ad in Loot. (Although we suspect the fire in his loins had been pretty effectively extinguished by having to sit through our lengthy Humorous Greeting.)

So, anyway, if you fancy checking out who else has been calling us with questions rather than bids to spice up a marriage, then you can listen to EPISODE 27, in which you can expect:

tuna sorbet
Little-Baby-Shits-Itself
John Leslie
Happy Holidays with Sandwich
unrequited toy-love
Scientists In Their Eyes
JPM quiz machines ❤ Ed Harris
what to do in the event of a terrorist attack
and
Barbie cake.

What’s more, Olly discovers some hellaweird videos in his flat, Helen contemplates booze-free romance, Martin the Sound Man vents spleen at happy-snapping tourists, and special guest Kate Thornton gives her opinion on creationism vs. evolution. All this and MORE! More, we tell you!

And if you fancy getting in on the action in future episodes, follow in the footsteps of these smart fellows by sending YOUR questions to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com emailwise or to 0208 123 5877 voicewise. But bear in mind it’s not one of those £2.99/minute sexy chat lines or anything. In fact, nothing could be further from the truth: a) calls cost almost nothing (or actual Nothing if you Skype us over the clever Skype), and b) cooling ardour has got to be one of our superpowers.

See you next week!

Love,

Helen and Olly

PS. In response to Martin the Sound Man’s when-I-was-a-lad-soft-drinks-were-delivered-to-your-door-by-a-Shetland-pony reverie from Episode 25, questioneer Robert from Dumfriesshire (nee Robert from Southend) sent in this comforting snapshot of Disappearing Britain:

Dumfriesshire, incidentally, Martin The Sound Man, still does have lemonade (and Irn-Bru!) delivered to your door! We also have a coalman, a local craftsman who specialises in “Joinery and Undertaking”, plus a shop that advertises itself as Hair, Beauty, Nails and Fishing Tackle.

See, Martin! It’s not ALL going to the dogs!

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Hello there, pals!

Phew! We’ve overcome our technology demons so hopefully the progress of Episode 26 to your ears will be unimpeded. And if it isn’t, we’re going to give up podcasting and take up semaphore.

All up in our grill this week are such matters as:

Olly’s Charm School
the peas=nukes allegory
The Longleat Chav Bus
Helen Sharman
The Ambassador’s decorative pyramid of shit
Kate ‘Mozzarella’ Thornton
tricky stain-removal
and
Mary J. Bilge

What’s more, Olly shows how not to fry an egg, Helen learns to rotate her head a full 360 degrees one piece at a time, and Facebook gives Martin the Sound Man the evils.

We’re very eager to answer yet more of your questions, so hurry up and email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave them WITH YOUR VOICE on Helen and Olly’s Question Line, 0208 123 5877.

Until next week, ta-ra!

Helen and Olly

PS And once again, don’t forget to go and see 16-year-old questioneer Matt Parker in his debut comedy show this Friday and Saturday, 9pm at the Liberties bar in Camden! More details at the bottom of last week’s post. We thoroughly recommend it.

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This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p, through a secure PayPal server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)

Hello there, pals!

Piss-drinking, incest, famous boobs – EPISODE 25 has got it all! Apart from class. But hopefully we can learn, eh?

In the AMT quarter-century celebration, your ears will be kept busy by:

deep fried mystery
Ronseal documentaries
marrying into your own family
Irn Bru vs. Urine
slapstick vs. torture
Guildford (hidden dangers of)
Biblical incest
peer pressure
Panorama
redundant Lisa Riley
and
Maury Povich.

Meanwhile, Olly contemplates becoming an internet porn magnate, Helen discovers that it’s far too dangerous to leave the sofa, and Martin the Human Beat Box gets shut down. It’s for his own good. Well, really it’s for all our goods.

Now, rather than writing to Dear Deirdre and running the risk of having your problem portrayed via the medium of busty ladies in their bras*, why not send YOUR questions to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave them WITH YOUR VOICE on Helen and Olly’s Question Line, 0208 123 5877?

*Either we’re squares who haven’t noticed that the rest of the world conduct all their important business wearing only bras and miniskirts, or those things aren’t entirely realistic.

See you next week, little buddies!

Love,

Helen and Olly

PS. Teen sensation Matt Parker, who has been a Friend of the Podcast right from the beginning, is rather precociously doing an hour-long comedy show as part of the Camden Fringe, despite the fact that he should probably be concentrating on his A-Levels or something. It’s on at 9pm on the 3rd and 4th of August at the Liberties bar in Camden and you should totally go: he has been variously described as ‘extremely funny‘ by comedy legend Arthur Smith and ‘tiny wunderkind‘ by the smashing Josie Long, and Helen saw him do stand-up a few weeks ago and agrees wholeheartedly with these assessments. The Answer Me This! team are even going on a field trip to see the show, despite the fact that Camden is ages away from Crystal Palace and on the last field trip Martin the Sound Man was sick on the Waltzers.

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This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p, through a secure PayPal server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)

Hello there, pals!

A mere 132 years after Alexander Graham Bell patented the telephone, Helen and Olly have got with the programme and, thanks to the lovely people at Skype, installed the Answer Me This! Question Line. For the VERY FIRST TIME in the HISTORY OF THE WORLD, questioneers are posing their problems to Helen and Olly using their very own voices. If you simply can’t quite believe it, check the hell out of Episode 24, in which we’re mithering on about such subjects as:

nether-lands
Olly’s cheesy dreams
porny exams
happy birthday Tom Stoppard
summer lovin’
the Medium cup con
the voice of Katie Price
live sex shows
fibby fibby actors
camembert
Ready Steady Weep
Tower Hamlets Benefits Office
and
The Ollster.

Furthermore, Olly starts a crusade, Helen remembers her close brush with suicide, and Martin the Sound Man has a big chuckle. There’s sure to be more where that came from; so if YOU fancy putting a smile on the face of the nation’s favourite Sound Man (and lord knows he needs it), send YOUR questions to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave them WITH YOUR VOICE on 0208 123 5877. Such wild crazy times!

Love,
Helen and Olly
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This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p, through a secure PayPal server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)

Hello there, pals!

Before we proceed to the standard Episode 23 blather, here are some Exciting Bits of Answer Me This!-related news:

EXCITING BIT OF NEWS no.1: Helen and Olly* are guests on the July edition of JCast, the monthly podcast about Jewish news and arts and soforth produced by the Jewish Community Centre for London. If you want to listen to them get down with Their People and talk about such Jewy things as Barbra Streisand, Jewish humour and swingers, you can download it HERE.

*Sorry, Martin the Sound Man Fans – he wasn’t allowed to come because he’s a Goy.

EXCITING BIT OF NEWS no.2: As well as emailing us, you can now pose us questions via the all-new state-of-the-art Web 2.0 Answer Me This! Question Line! So if you’re crazy with unanswered questions but stranded without internet, just call 0208 123 5877 and pose questions with your Own Voice. For the tiny price of a local call, your mellow tones could be featured in a future episode! Which makes a nice change from our flapping voices.

EXCITING BIT OF NEWS no.3: watch out ladies, because Olly is rocking a particularly husky and sexy voice this week. Not because he’s trying to make Answer Me This! a tad more 0898, but because his usual booming baritone has been beset by a nasty case of man flu (Mann Flu?).

And here’s what’s coming out of our mouths this week:
costive pomegranate
no added sugar owl porn
the arbitrary judgement of Louis Walsh
Micra morals
fear of flying (not the rude book, the apprehension of plummeting from the sky whilst on a charter flight to Alicante)
and
Project Runway.

So if you fancy being part of such action in future episodes, like these smart kids did, email YOUR questions to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, or phone 0208 123 5877 and let them all out.

Also if any of you are attending the Latitude Festival in Southwold this weekend, pop down to the Literary Arena or the theatre in the woods to catch Helen and Martin the Sound Man make a spectacle of themselves.

Until next week, bye!

Love,
Helen and Olly

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This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p, through a secure PayPal server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)

Howdy Doody, funsters!

Aside from it being, as always, Chico Time – it’s time for EPISODE 22 of Answer Me This! Quite Literally.

Some things you might Literally enjoy, enclosed within:

Sky News – the Musical
How to play ‘Bollocks!’
Jew bras
the Ann Summers warhead
In bed with Helen and Martin the Sound Man
raffling off Peter Sissons
the bias of Peter Cockroft
and
a cat called Muff.

It’s pretty strong stuff.

Furthermore, Olly’s Thoughtcrime has dreadful consequences (and not just his balding pate), Helen gets angry at panache-free anecdotes, and everyone gets excited by the prospect of Answer Me This! fan fiction. Indeed, if you are moved by priapic fervour to write a sordid behind-the-scenes tale of Olly and Martin the Sound Man’s clandestine manlove, email it to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, which is also where you should be slinging all your questions for future episodes of the podcast.

Until next week, when we have some Very Exciting News for you, toodle-pip!

Love,

Helen and Olly
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This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p, through a secure PayPal server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)

Dear pals,

Sorry about the inclement weather. Bitter at being nastily sunburnt through factor 50 sunscreen a couple of weeks ago, Helen called in some favours and got the summer rained off. In a half-arsed attempt to compensate for this display of rotten eggery, we offer you Episode 21 of Answer Me This!

This week we’re raining down entertainments in the form of:
fox sex
pencil cricket
the youngest Kenneth
100% Bedford
Little Chef ageism
Alphabetti
Jordan and Peter
hanging at the Trocadero
sexy Swiss
the Cheers Bar (reason for existence of)

Meanwhile Helen gets all Nancy Drew about the machinations of the female mind, Olly practices for his Spearmint Rhino audition, and Martin the Sound Man speaks as a scientist. But it’s alright – that’s right near the end, so you may have drifted off by then.

Hesitate not to send us YOUR questions for future episodes by emailing them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.

Bye!

Love,

Helen and Olly

PS The Bremen Debate wages ever on. Following Tim Scullion’s three-star assessment of Bremen, original Bremen questioneer Benjamin Partridge sent in this rejoinder:

I can’t help thinking that it is a bit early to draw any conclusions about Bremen – there was no mention of the upcoming International Maths Olympiad or the Robot Football World Cup.

I shall visit Bremen and send a detailed dossier.

Don’t leave us hanging, Partridge.

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This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p, through a secure PayPal server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)

Hello there, pals!

We’re in a giddy mood this week as Answer Me This! reaches double double figures. Also because Olly’s off to Glastonbury and he pitched his tent over a leaking gas main. Wooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!1!!11!!!!!

Meanwhile, any of you who aren’t gadding about in a mud-sotted field this weekend should check out Episode 20. There’s no need to get your feet wet, and ain’t no bloody capoeira in it either.

And here are some of the stars of Episode 20:
Lord of the Rings – The (Crapulous) Musical
The Mozart of Madras
misspelling Ricky Gervais
Olly’s Dream Will Do
Marry, shag or kill?
David Gest’s face
human suffering
Civil Service vs. Stepmom
Wetherspoons curry club
DJ Olltzi
and
sharon fruit.

We also help launch the career of a new pop group, receive podcasting advice from Jesus, and reminisce about how Answer Me This! could have turned out offally different. Seriously, we all had a very lucky escape from What Could Have Been. There’s a very unlucky parallel universe somewhere out there.

As ever, PLEASE email your questions for future episodes of Answer Me This! to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, and we’ll try to fix you up good.

Until next week, bye!

Love,

Helen and Olly

PS. Back in Episode 16, questioneer Benjamin Partridge posed the following: “Is Bremen in Germany a weird place to want to go on holiday?” Following our non-commital advice, and tempted by Bremen’s apparently charming sea-front, he resolved to go, and we looked forward to finding out once and for all the answer to his question.

Only he chickened out and went to Wales instead.

So the mystery continues! If any of YOU have been to Bremen on holiday, report to us and tell us whether it was fly or a flop as a holiday destination. Leaving this question unanswered is keeping us awake at night.
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This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p, through a secure PayPal server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)

Hey y’all!

It’s the last teenage episode of Answer Me This! We can’t believe it! It seems barely minutes ago that the podcast was just a cheeky glint in our eyes, and now it’s all grown up – Download of the Day in the Independent on Wednesday 13th, no less. Which means Answer Me This! is one of the top 365 things to get off the internet in 2007! Considering all the ladies’ jugs that are on the internet, that’s quite the accolade.

Anyway, just because the podcast is about to enter its twenties, it doesn’t mean it’s outgrown all the tantrums, rows and clandestine substance abuse. Why, in this episode we cover such classy subjects as necrophilia, disabled dolphins and ITV2.

Also:
Sex and death
Strictly Mark Lawson Fever
le petit mort
particle accelerators
Kosher for Passover ice-cream
sausage bombs
Singing’ in the Rain
Basic Instinct
dancing lessons with Martin the Sound Man
mock crayfish
and
Slags in Limos.

And if you want YOUR questions to yield such rogue results, email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. We can’t promise miracles, but we can try and do something a bit flashy.

Until next week, goodbye!

Love,

Helen and Olly

PS If you notice an unusually beautiful jingle in this episode, it’s probably by the marvellous Gavin Osborn. If you liked the 20-second jingle, you’ll probably explode with joy if you listen to his new album, In the Twee Small Hours, so we thoroughly recommend you treat yourself to a copy.
PPS That’s not to say the rest of the jingles aren’t beautiful as well. Well done, Answer Me This! Players! (Sadly they don’t have an album out, but it’s only a matter of time…)

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This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p, through a secure PayPal server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)

Hey there, friendaramas!

It’s delightful to see you again. It’s been ages! Haven’t you grown? Etc etc.

I’m afraid we didn’t bring you back presents from our holidays. Nor did we take up questioneer Jonny’s highly flattering suggestion: “When you get back from holiday, can you do a double length podcast to make up for the amount of podcasting pleasure we have had to do without for what feels like years?”

Jonny, you are too too sweet. However we have conducted a series of mathematical experiments that show that
if podcast = x
and listening pleasure = y,
2x does NOT equal 2y.
In fact sometimes it can even equal less than y. And that’s the kind of risk we’re just not willing to take here at Answer Me This!, which is why we’re presenting you with a taut 25 minutes and 20 seconds of EPISODE 18.

And what’s awaiting? Why, this lot:

Cinnamon Grahams
oui
do you feel the power of the Gladiators? (dobededoo)
the dark underbelly of ‘social networking’ websites
idiomatic mums
Answer Me This! vs. The Man
conspiracy theories
square roots
delusional paranoia
Ginny from the Mission
and
Leisuresuit Larry*

Plus: new jingles! New skits! And a belated birthday shout-out to listener Katherine, who has just turned 21! Well done, Katherine. Also, well done to the recently augmented Answer Me This! Players, who have made a whole lot of kick-ass new jingles and suchlike for the new season of Answer Me This!, rather like your mum getting you shiny new shoes and extra-sharp pencils for the start of termtime.

With episode 19 imminent, please send us your questions – you must be chock-full of them by now! Email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, and we promise not to hand on your email address to sinister debt consolidation services.

Love,

Helen and Olly

*if any of you want to send us a copy of Leisuresuit Larry for ‘research’ purposes, don’t be shy. Also, in a similar vein, Helen’s flatmate claims as a child to have played Stroker 64 on the Commodore 64, which sounds like nothing more than internet child abuse before the internet existed. If any of you have likewise tarnished your youthful innocence playing Stroker 64, get in touch and maybe we can form a support group for you.

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This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p, through a secure PayPal server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)

Episode 17 is here, and we hope you enjoy it, as it’s (cripes!) the last Answer Me This! until the beginning of June. Yes, it’s time for us to gather our bucket and spade, roll up our trouser-legs and have a nice paddle in the balmy waters of not glutting ourselves on the sound of our own voices for a few weeks… WE WILL RETURN!

This week:
the rules of The Quiet Carriage
chicken
Christian fish
Yiddy rickshaws
evil child Olly
gambling vs. piggybanks
the Hitchcockian suspense of ITV Play
the hidden side of tinsel
Cirque du Soleil
and
dragged-up crowbars.

And also, if you’re Olly’s childhood friend Sebastian Stent: sorry.

In the meantime, if you’re craving your Answer Me This! fix while we’re holidaying – why not check out our AMAZING BACK CATALOGUE ? Gasp! at our learning curve! Wince! at our early episodes! (and then some) Grimace! at bowelly episode 5!… and then, when you’re bored of all that (as if!) be sure to join our new Facebook fanclub to declare your love for us to the WORLD!

There’ll also be the occasional new bits or bob on this site to keep you amused in our absence. But, of course, the main thing is y’all keep yourself busy by sending us YOUR QUESTIONS, and those of your quizzical friends and acquaintances, to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, to help us come back in June BIGGER and BETTER and, um, BACKIER.

So long!

Helen and Olly

PS Thanks again to Kevin MacLeod of incompetech.com for the fantastic tune we used at the end of the episode. We’d love to give you money for it, but only Gervais can afford that kind of shit.
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This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p, through a secure PayPal server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)

It’s party time at Answer Me This! Helen and Olly break out the champagne and immediately get giddy, because, as it turns out, they’re as hard as eggs. Soft-boiled eggs. In the cocktail-shaker of our brains this week are:

101 Fun Things to Do With a Pineapple (or, more accurately, A Thing to do with a pineapple)
The Rock
astigmatics of the world unite!
Chucky the Blood Doll
um…err…um….
Paul Robinson, the champagne charlie
naughty naughty Top 40
Toksvig! Toksvig! Toksvig!
magic eye pictures
and
Fishcotheque

Also, Olly’s grandmother smacks down Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Helen smacks down summer, Olly attends the shittest ‘key party’ in Christendom, and also puts some Zimbabwegians off their lunch. NB: do not listen to this episode while eating.

As ever, you can email your questions for future episodes to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, and also if you have any ludicrous family games like the ones in this episode, please tell us about them: the Manns and Zaltzmans don’t really go in for that sort of thing, so we’re having to live vicariously through you chaps instead.

Until next week, farewell!

Helen and Olly
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