Answer Me This! Podcast

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Well shiver me timbers if it ain’t time for EPISODE 31 of Answer Me This! kids! Actually no timber-shivering is currently required – which is lucky, because last time any of that kind of stuff went down, Martin the Sound Man was picking splinters out of his backside through the whole of Lent – because it very much IS time for Episode 31.

Topics lying in wait this week include:

cucumber contraception
plantar fasciitis
girls dressed as cats
bulk order of sanitary towels
the way to a lady’s heart
Denon hi-fis
ranting
the evils of Comet
and
the Times swimsuit supplement.

And as usual Olly says a thing, Helen says some stuff and Martin garbles like a man drowning in a tankful of Bovril – but MUCH MORE EXCITINGLY there is a mighty fine bit of listener-generated content which not only puts our usual shit to shame but also FINALLY lays to rest the Bremen debate from Episode 16. Thanks ever so much, questioneer Benjamin Partridge, for solving your own question with such dazzling aplomb.

Anyway, if you fancy sending us a QUESTION that you might end up answering yourself in four months’ time, leave it with your voice on the Answer Me This! Question Line 0208 123 5877 or email it to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. That would be quite a delight for us, really it would.

Until next week, bye!

Love,

Helen and Olly

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Hello there, friends!

It’s the 30th episode of Answer Me This! and Helen and Olly are broadcasting with all the gravitas and maturity you’d expect from seasoned podcasters. Viz, to wit, this week they misuse contraceptives, conduct dangerous experiments with mouthwash, and revive some 90s boyband horror

If you survived that, cop a load of Episode 30, in which we discuss such topics as:

Monopoly-related family breakdown
sexy stick insects
Beowulf
missed cake opportunities
Shakespearian June Sarpong
GSOH
Romeo the fickle lecher
Listerine
and
the Pope.

And if all that hasn’t completely tired you out, bombard us with YOUR QUESTIONS for us to answer in future episodes by leaving a message on Helen and Olly’s Question Line 0208 123 5877 or emailing them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. It’s a quid cheaper than texting AQA, and by gum it yields slower results too.

See you next week, yes? Yes!

Love,

Helen and Olly
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This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p, through a secure PayPal server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)

Howdy, friends!

We’ve been away for a month but now we’re more back than bacon! It’s first day of Michaelmas term at Answer Me This!, so with sharpened pencils, shiny shoes and tidy but unflattering pudding-bowl haircuts all round, it’s time to unleash EPISODE 29.

And making the chalk squeak on the new blackboard this week are such topics as:
Edwina Currie’s steel undercarriage
knocking down the fourth wall of Dot Cotton
sexy William Hague
Rihanna’s canine soundtrack
yodelling
the downside of Jason Bourne
the Delphic Oracle
and
Gwen Stefani.

Also Olly fesses up to some fashion shockers, Helen reveals the truth about Princess Diana courtesy of her late grandmother, and Martin the Sound Man reveals his friends to be a bunch of amoral fibbers. Hands up who’s surprised?

We’d love to have a huge pile of YOUR QUESTIONS to keep us busy in the new series, so please send them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or call our Question Line 0208 123 5877 and ask them using your Own Voice. We know you want to – especially as quizzical frowning causes wrinkles.

Until next week, bye!

Helen and Olly

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Hello there, friends. How’re you doing? Going anywhere nice on your holidays this year? Olly is – he’s jaunting off to California to play Mischa Barton’s stunt double in The OC: Beyond the Grave, and accordingly Answer Me This! is taking a holiday too. Nowhere fancy, probably just to Auntie Bren’s bungalow in Colwyn Bay, but a change is as good as as a rest, eh? Anyway, until we return in mid-September, here’s EPISODE 28 to keep you going.

If you can refrain from shoving a stick of rock into your ears, you will hear such gobbets of fun as:

What the Butler Saw machines
The KFC Detritus Special
contraceptive nightcaps
porridge
Victorian genitalia
the truth about breadcrumbs
the allure of wicked stepmothers
Elizabeth Duke
and
sport sport bloody sporty sport.

Plus, Olly angles for some free jim-jams, Helen does some gender stereotyping, and Martin the Sound Man puts exercise in its place.

We’re sure going to miss you while we’re off on our break, so please do keep in touch by sending YOUR QUESTIONS to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leaving them on our Question Line, 0208 123 5877. Or feel free to send us a nice postcard with a bawdy pun on it. And be sure to check back here around September 14th, when we’ll return revivified for Michaelmas term.

So long!

Helen and Olly

PS. Big-ups to the amazing Kevin MacLeod of incompetech.com, whose marvellous Mariachi Snooze we poached for our own nefarious purposes.
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This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p, through a secure PayPal server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)

Giddy-up, friends!

Since unveiling our Skypetacular Answer Me This! Question Line a mere month ago, we’ve been mega-excited to receive all your calls. Especially the man who left the following message: “Er…This is a message for Stephanie…You spoke to my wife earlier, and she said you might be able to help us…” SURELY a call from a man seeking a threesome via a small ad in Loot. (Although we suspect the fire in his loins had been pretty effectively extinguished by having to sit through our lengthy Humorous Greeting.)

So, anyway, if you fancy checking out who else has been calling us with questions rather than bids to spice up a marriage, then you can listen to EPISODE 27, in which you can expect:

tuna sorbet
Little-Baby-Shits-Itself
John Leslie
Happy Holidays with Sandwich
unrequited toy-love
Scientists In Their Eyes
JPM quiz machines ❤ Ed Harris
what to do in the event of a terrorist attack
and
Barbie cake.

What’s more, Olly discovers some hellaweird videos in his flat, Helen contemplates booze-free romance, Martin the Sound Man vents spleen at happy-snapping tourists, and special guest Kate Thornton gives her opinion on creationism vs. evolution. All this and MORE! More, we tell you!

And if you fancy getting in on the action in future episodes, follow in the footsteps of these smart fellows by sending YOUR questions to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com emailwise or to 0208 123 5877 voicewise. But bear in mind it’s not one of those £2.99/minute sexy chat lines or anything. In fact, nothing could be further from the truth: a) calls cost almost nothing (or actual Nothing if you Skype us over the clever Skype), and b) cooling ardour has got to be one of our superpowers.

See you next week!

Love,

Helen and Olly

PS. In response to Martin the Sound Man’s when-I-was-a-lad-soft-drinks-were-delivered-to-your-door-by-a-Shetland-pony reverie from Episode 25, questioneer Robert from Dumfriesshire (nee Robert from Southend) sent in this comforting snapshot of Disappearing Britain:

Dumfriesshire, incidentally, Martin The Sound Man, still does have lemonade (and Irn-Bru!) delivered to your door! We also have a coalman, a local craftsman who specialises in “Joinery and Undertaking”, plus a shop that advertises itself as Hair, Beauty, Nails and Fishing Tackle.

See, Martin! It’s not ALL going to the dogs!

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Hello there, pals!

Phew! We’ve overcome our technology demons so hopefully the progress of Episode 26 to your ears will be unimpeded. And if it isn’t, we’re going to give up podcasting and take up semaphore.

All up in our grill this week are such matters as:

Olly’s Charm School
the peas=nukes allegory
The Longleat Chav Bus
Helen Sharman
The Ambassador’s decorative pyramid of shit
Kate ‘Mozzarella’ Thornton
tricky stain-removal
and
Mary J. Bilge

What’s more, Olly shows how not to fry an egg, Helen learns to rotate her head a full 360 degrees one piece at a time, and Facebook gives Martin the Sound Man the evils.

We’re very eager to answer yet more of your questions, so hurry up and email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave them WITH YOUR VOICE on Helen and Olly’s Question Line, 0208 123 5877.

Until next week, ta-ra!

Helen and Olly

PS And once again, don’t forget to go and see 16-year-old questioneer Matt Parker in his debut comedy show this Friday and Saturday, 9pm at the Liberties bar in Camden! More details at the bottom of last week’s post. We thoroughly recommend it.

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Hello there, pals!

Piss-drinking, incest, famous boobs – EPISODE 25 has got it all! Apart from class. But hopefully we can learn, eh?

In the AMT quarter-century celebration, your ears will be kept busy by:

deep fried mystery
Ronseal documentaries
marrying into your own family
Irn Bru vs. Urine
slapstick vs. torture
Guildford (hidden dangers of)
Biblical incest
peer pressure
Panorama
redundant Lisa Riley
and
Maury Povich.

Meanwhile, Olly contemplates becoming an internet porn magnate, Helen discovers that it’s far too dangerous to leave the sofa, and Martin the Human Beat Box gets shut down. It’s for his own good. Well, really it’s for all our goods.

Now, rather than writing to Dear Deirdre and running the risk of having your problem portrayed via the medium of busty ladies in their bras*, why not send YOUR questions to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave them WITH YOUR VOICE on Helen and Olly’s Question Line, 0208 123 5877?

*Either we’re squares who haven’t noticed that the rest of the world conduct all their important business wearing only bras and miniskirts, or those things aren’t entirely realistic.

See you next week, little buddies!

Love,

Helen and Olly

PS. Teen sensation Matt Parker, who has been a Friend of the Podcast right from the beginning, is rather precociously doing an hour-long comedy show as part of the Camden Fringe, despite the fact that he should probably be concentrating on his A-Levels or something. It’s on at 9pm on the 3rd and 4th of August at the Liberties bar in Camden and you should totally go: he has been variously described as ‘extremely funny‘ by comedy legend Arthur Smith and ‘tiny wunderkind‘ by the smashing Josie Long, and Helen saw him do stand-up a few weeks ago and agrees wholeheartedly with these assessments. The Answer Me This! team are even going on a field trip to see the show, despite the fact that Camden is ages away from Crystal Palace and on the last field trip Martin the Sound Man was sick on the Waltzers.

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This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p, through a secure PayPal server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)

Hello there, pals!

A mere 132 years after Alexander Graham Bell patented the telephone, Helen and Olly have got with the programme and, thanks to the lovely people at Skype, installed the Answer Me This! Question Line. For the VERY FIRST TIME in the HISTORY OF THE WORLD, questioneers are posing their problems to Helen and Olly using their very own voices. If you simply can’t quite believe it, check the hell out of Episode 24, in which we’re mithering on about such subjects as:

nether-lands
Olly’s cheesy dreams
porny exams
happy birthday Tom Stoppard
summer lovin’
the Medium cup con
the voice of Katie Price
live sex shows
fibby fibby actors
camembert
Ready Steady Weep
Tower Hamlets Benefits Office
and
The Ollster.

Furthermore, Olly starts a crusade, Helen remembers her close brush with suicide, and Martin the Sound Man has a big chuckle. There’s sure to be more where that came from; so if YOU fancy putting a smile on the face of the nation’s favourite Sound Man (and lord knows he needs it), send YOUR questions to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave them WITH YOUR VOICE on 0208 123 5877. Such wild crazy times!

Love,
Helen and Olly
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This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p, through a secure PayPal server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)

Hello there, pals!

Before we proceed to the standard Episode 23 blather, here are some Exciting Bits of Answer Me This!-related news:

EXCITING BIT OF NEWS no.1: Helen and Olly* are guests on the July edition of JCast, the monthly podcast about Jewish news and arts and soforth produced by the Jewish Community Centre for London. If you want to listen to them get down with Their People and talk about such Jewy things as Barbra Streisand, Jewish humour and swingers, you can download it HERE.

*Sorry, Martin the Sound Man Fans – he wasn’t allowed to come because he’s a Goy.

EXCITING BIT OF NEWS no.2: As well as emailing us, you can now pose us questions via the all-new state-of-the-art Web 2.0 Answer Me This! Question Line! So if you’re crazy with unanswered questions but stranded without internet, just call 0208 123 5877 and pose questions with your Own Voice. For the tiny price of a local call, your mellow tones could be featured in a future episode! Which makes a nice change from our flapping voices.

EXCITING BIT OF NEWS no.3: watch out ladies, because Olly is rocking a particularly husky and sexy voice this week. Not because he’s trying to make Answer Me This! a tad more 0898, but because his usual booming baritone has been beset by a nasty case of man flu (Mann Flu?).

And here’s what’s coming out of our mouths this week:
costive pomegranate
no added sugar owl porn
the arbitrary judgement of Louis Walsh
Micra morals
fear of flying (not the rude book, the apprehension of plummeting from the sky whilst on a charter flight to Alicante)
and
Project Runway.

So if you fancy being part of such action in future episodes, like these smart kids did, email YOUR questions to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, or phone 0208 123 5877 and let them all out.

Also if any of you are attending the Latitude Festival in Southwold this weekend, pop down to the Literary Arena or the theatre in the woods to catch Helen and Martin the Sound Man make a spectacle of themselves.

Until next week, bye!

Love,
Helen and Olly

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FAQ • Facebook Fanclub • Merchandise Superstore • YouTube Channel

This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p, through a secure PayPal server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)

Howdy Doody, funsters!

Aside from it being, as always, Chico Time – it’s time for EPISODE 22 of Answer Me This! Quite Literally.

Some things you might Literally enjoy, enclosed within:

Sky News – the Musical
How to play ‘Bollocks!’
Jew bras
the Ann Summers warhead
In bed with Helen and Martin the Sound Man
raffling off Peter Sissons
the bias of Peter Cockroft
and
a cat called Muff.

It’s pretty strong stuff.

Furthermore, Olly’s Thoughtcrime has dreadful consequences (and not just his balding pate), Helen gets angry at panache-free anecdotes, and everyone gets excited by the prospect of Answer Me This! fan fiction. Indeed, if you are moved by priapic fervour to write a sordid behind-the-scenes tale of Olly and Martin the Sound Man’s clandestine manlove, email it to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, which is also where you should be slinging all your questions for future episodes of the podcast.

Until next week, when we have some Very Exciting News for you, toodle-pip!

Love,

Helen and Olly
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This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p, through a secure PayPal server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)

Dear pals,

Sorry about the inclement weather. Bitter at being nastily sunburnt through factor 50 sunscreen a couple of weeks ago, Helen called in some favours and got the summer rained off. In a half-arsed attempt to compensate for this display of rotten eggery, we offer you Episode 21 of Answer Me This!

This week we’re raining down entertainments in the form of:
fox sex
pencil cricket
the youngest Kenneth
100% Bedford
Little Chef ageism
Alphabetti
Jordan and Peter
hanging at the Trocadero
sexy Swiss
the Cheers Bar (reason for existence of)

Meanwhile Helen gets all Nancy Drew about the machinations of the female mind, Olly practices for his Spearmint Rhino audition, and Martin the Sound Man speaks as a scientist. But it’s alright – that’s right near the end, so you may have drifted off by then.

Hesitate not to send us YOUR questions for future episodes by emailing them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.

Bye!

Love,

Helen and Olly

PS The Bremen Debate wages ever on. Following Tim Scullion’s three-star assessment of Bremen, original Bremen questioneer Benjamin Partridge sent in this rejoinder:

I can’t help thinking that it is a bit early to draw any conclusions about Bremen – there was no mention of the upcoming International Maths Olympiad or the Robot Football World Cup.

I shall visit Bremen and send a detailed dossier.

Don’t leave us hanging, Partridge.

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This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p, through a secure PayPal server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)

Hello there, pals!

We’re in a giddy mood this week as Answer Me This! reaches double double figures. Also because Olly’s off to Glastonbury and he pitched his tent over a leaking gas main. Wooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!1!!11!!!!!

Meanwhile, any of you who aren’t gadding about in a mud-sotted field this weekend should check out Episode 20. There’s no need to get your feet wet, and ain’t no bloody capoeira in it either.

And here are some of the stars of Episode 20:
Lord of the Rings – The (Crapulous) Musical
The Mozart of Madras
misspelling Ricky Gervais
Olly’s Dream Will Do
Marry, shag or kill?
David Gest’s face
human suffering
Civil Service vs. Stepmom
Wetherspoons curry club
DJ Olltzi
and
sharon fruit.

We also help launch the career of a new pop group, receive podcasting advice from Jesus, and reminisce about how Answer Me This! could have turned out offally different. Seriously, we all had a very lucky escape from What Could Have Been. There’s a very unlucky parallel universe somewhere out there.

As ever, PLEASE email your questions for future episodes of Answer Me This! to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, and we’ll try to fix you up good.

Until next week, bye!

Love,

Helen and Olly

PS. Back in Episode 16, questioneer Benjamin Partridge posed the following: “Is Bremen in Germany a weird place to want to go on holiday?” Following our non-commital advice, and tempted by Bremen’s apparently charming sea-front, he resolved to go, and we looked forward to finding out once and for all the answer to his question.

Only he chickened out and went to Wales instead.

So the mystery continues! If any of YOU have been to Bremen on holiday, report to us and tell us whether it was fly or a flop as a holiday destination. Leaving this question unanswered is keeping us awake at night.
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