Answer Me This! Podcast

We’re back on October 7th. Click here to catch up!

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, and a question from Pat from Canada:

My uncle passed away a few months ago. My mom (his sister) and I went to pick out a headstone for his grave and found it very hard to find an appropriate epitaph for him. You see, he was a miserable old fellow and was especially mean to my mother during the last five years of his life. Nothing anyone did for him was good enough.

So, answer me this: what is an appropriate phrase to put on a grave marker when the deceased wasn’t a very nice fellow?

Readers, you’re a tasteless bunch. Go forth to the comments and do your worst.

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We’re back on October 7th. Click here to catch up!

The following one from Dom in Twickenham is one which is replicated in screaming tones within my own head after every trip to the coiffurist:

Please answer me this, why do hairdressers NEVER give you the haircut that you want? And why can you never say that you are unhappy with the cut that they’ve given you?

Apparently, when I told my barber this morning that I ‘just want it shortened a bit’, he understood it to mean: “Make me look like a lesbian, please.”

Maybe he thought you look like someone who enjoys sex with women. Give the guy a break, Dom! Meanwhile, if any of you readers are hairdressers, go to the comments and explain your evil actions. And if any of you are hair perverts, you can also go to the comments and explain exactly why you keep bothering Maya:

I have a little dilemma that is slowly testing my passive nature. I’m black and people always touch my hair and want to play with it. I understand that the texture is different and somewhat intriguing, but I value my personal space. So, could you please answer me this: how do I tell people to stop touching me (even strangers) without coming across as rude and aggressive? I’m in danger of snapping someone’s hand off.

Wearing one of these might sort you out.

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We’re back on October 7th. Click here to catch up!

Here’s a very substantial question Chris from Cardiff, Australia:

My parents have brought me up in a devoutly Christian home, they’ve taken me to church every Sunday (rain, hail, or shine) and ensured that both my brothers have married solidly Christian women. I’m almost 18 and I’ve begun to consider whether following in my family’s Christian footsteps is really what I want to do.

So answer me this: how can I tell my parents that I want to make my own choice about whether I do or do not go to church (or even where I go to church) without them bible-bashing me and having their pastor and youth coordinator “spontaneously” popping around for tea when they “didn’t realise no-one else was at home”?

This is a toughie, and as a second-generation Jewish atheist, I feel ill equipped to advise sensibly. But readers, many of you are bound to have been in similar circumstances. Recourse to the comments and help Chris tactfully insist upon charting his own course.

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We’re back on October 7th. Click here to catch up!

Since we’ve been away, you lot seem to be getting yourself into all sorts of romantic pickles. Let’s race through a few of them in order of difficulty, and if you think you can help, post your advice in the comments.

First up, Roxanne:

I’m moving from Somerset to London for uni at the end of September, which will be one bitch of a commute every weekend to see my boyfriend (hello Ferdi). He doesn’t like the idea of phones because ‘people can track you with them’ and they’re a bit of a teen fad, but I think for a 150-mile long-distance relationship it might be a necessity. So answer me this: how do you convince someone who hates mobile phones to buy a phone?

Well, Roxanne, you could buy him a phone as a present; but from the little you’ve told us about him, you’d be better off buying him a tinfoil hat and Gene Hackman’s room from The Conversation so that none of those pesky phone companies can READ HIS THOUGHTS. Alternatively, he doesn’t want to be tracked because he’s on the witness protection programme, in which case, leave him alone. Next, Emily in Worcester:

To sleep with my best friend’s brother or no? Basically I want to and so does he, but we are forbidden by my best friend of 8 years. Is she being unreasonable, or is this a justifiable reaction to the sexual activities of her older brother and best friend?

A bit of both. There’s power play, in her forcing you to show that you both value her more highly than you do each other; on the other hand, she doesn’t want to play third wheel to a nauseating new couple. Either way, she’ll be a bit grossed out at the idea of her brother in sexual congress.

Now it’s time for Rochelle from Manchester, who presumes we don’t know what Barbados is but that we do know all about how to solve priapism:

I have a boyfriend from Barbados, it’s an island in the Caribbean, he’s a really awesome guy and everything but there’s just one problem (some might not call it one): he is very demanding when it comes to sex, almost insatiable. And he’s always thinking or talking about it. I told my friends and they say he’s probably a Don Juan.
Please answer me this: what exactly is this, and what should I do?

What you should do is stop showing off.

Finally, a question from Dy from Maryland:

A friend of mine, due to some “youthful indiscretions”, has 5 children by 2 mothers. After his last 2 kids were born within 27 days of each other he wisely decided to have a vasectomy since he knows that he can’t keep it in his pants and couldn’t afford any more kids. So answer me this: if his pipes aren’t connected anymore, what comes out when he “comes”? I haven’t gotten up the nerve to ask him and feel like asking you is much less embarrassing for both of us.

He sounds like the kind of man whose sense of shame would have necessarily evaporated some time ago. Ask him, then please report back to us so we all learn something.

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Here’s an email from David:

My friend (who shall remain nameless to protect their shame) organised for herself two internet dates this week. Now I know I could never go on said dates myself because, as with most literate middle-class men, I am completely socially-inept and cannot say that I have had a ‘boyfriend’ for more than a single evening. She was adamant that the first date would go badly and it did, but was much more optimistic about the second…which also went badly.

My questions are therefore so: firstly, surely you cannot go into these sort of dates with a negative attitude because then you know you will never get anywhere with them, will you? And secondly, have you ever tried it yourselves? I said earlier that I would never go on one myself but then, as I also said earlier, I don’t have much luck with the boys. So, finally, I guess, should I suck it up and give it a go?

So many questions! As we’ve all been off the market since before the internet was invented, readers, please go to the comments to tell us your liveliest internet dating stories, which will probably help David decide one way or another.

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We’re back on October 7th. Click here to catch up!

Chomp on this question from Bupe from Manchester:

Just the other day I was making a sandwich and I found a shred of a glove. So answer me this: what is the weirdest thing you have found in food?

Half a chicken’s skull in a tomato stew was pretty weird. But not as much as a fragment of woollen mitten or rubber glove. Readers, go to the comments and tell us about the time you found a small plastic boat in your can of soup.

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** Click here for Episode 149 **

Is poverty the enemy of love? Let’s hope not, for Pete from Somerset‘s sake:

I’m 16, and next Monday is my 1st anniversary with my girlfriend. I figure that it is only my duty as a gentleman to buy her a present AND take her out for something special. But the fact is that I am 16, and therefore I have no pissing money. So, answer me this: how can I take my girlfriend out somewhere special, but still save money to buy her a gift?

Readers, go to the comments right away and give Pete some useful suggestions for romance on a budget. Now! Next Monday is not far away! But Pete, if they don’t come up with anything workable, then tell your girlfriend that you’ve forsworn your ‘duty as a gentleman’ as you felt it a relic from a more sexist age, and moreover, she should learn not to be such a filthy materialist. No doubt many more happy years together will follow.

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** Click here for Episode 148 **

Poor Pete is lonely in Leamington Spa:

My fiancee and I have just moved to Leamington Spa. While the area is very nice and the people are lovely, there is very little to do as we have no friends (hence me writing this email)! This is compounded by the fact that we are very skint at the moment, having been fleeced by the removal company to move our stuff from Sheffield!

So answer me this: what can we do for free that is very very fun in Leamington Spa that would also make us some friends? (We are nice people!)

Who here knows how to make one’s way in Leamington Spa society? Go to the comments and help a man make some new buddies!

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** Click here for Episode 148 **

Olly from Worthing, West Sussex:

I was in a Gourmet Burger Kitchen today, and I noticed they were selling an imported drink with a small little factoid that stated, hilariously, ‘World famous in New Zealand.’

So, answer me this: what weird factoids have you seen appear on products, or at least stupid ones?

‘World famous’ on most food products, or especially on the awnings of cafes, does tend to be optimism triumphing over truth (although in a rather less harmful way than certain products like Activia yoghurt pretending to be health foods when they’re sugarier than Barbara Cartland’s tea table). Readers, share the most ridiculous products boasts you have seen!

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** Click here for Episode 148 **

Pete needs your help, readers:

Why can I not buy different-coloured tyres for my car? I can get coloured tyres for bicycles. I want fucking blue tyres on my car!!

I’m counting on your help to solve his query, because I can’t even remember the last time I bought any tyres. Actually I don’t think I’ve ever bought tyres. I don’t own a car, bike, trike, moped or wheelbarrow, so what the jigger would I need tyres for? Hanging one off a tree to swing about in? I don’t even have my own tree, so I’m entirely counted out of the tyre market. So go to the comments and tell the man how to spruce up his boring-coloured wheels.

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