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Animate Me This!

January 14, 2009

Like proud parents sticking their toddlers’ daubings on the fridge door, we are altogether delighted when you send us your artistic endeavours inspired by Answer Me This!. We very much enjoyed this, that and the other, and now Luke from Cambridge has similarly perked up our days, having just made a snippet of the podcast into a cartoon! Visit his website lukesurl.com for the full-size version.

Meanwhile, if you enjoy a punctuation challenge, try this one that my English teacher Mr Bullard laid upon us when I was nine:

Smith where Jones had had had had had had had had had had had the examiner’s approval.

That’s eleven ‘had’s in a row! Punctuate them so that the sentence makes sense, goddammit, else Mr Bullard will throw a hardback dictionary at you from beyond the grave.

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Balls in a basket

January 5, 2009

** Click here for the Best of Answer Me This! 2008 – Part II **

You may remember that in Episode 77 I gave juggling a thorough dressing-down for being not only a tiresome entertainment (unless fire or chainsaws are involved) but also a wholly impractical method of transporting multiple balls.

Now, although I would strongly advise all of you against taking anything I ever say literally, in this case it amused me greatly that Stu and Maddy in Cambridge did. Says Stu:

After your comments on juggling, one of Maddy’s Christmas presents to me was a set of juggling balls – plus a plastic basket to carry them around in, thus rendering them inert in the attached picture.

balls in a basket

Listeners, you make me so proud.

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shitting from a great height

December 27, 2008

** Click here for the Best of Answer Me This! 2008 – Part I **

Jack from Leeds is even more useful at answering questions than we are. A few weeks ago he dealt with correct pizza-ordering etiquette; today, he tackles the shitting-off-the-Eiffel-Tower issue from Episode 79:

Helen said that the falling turd would quite seriously injure someone below.

It wouldn’t.

I’m sure you have heard of the myth where dropping a coin of the empire state building would cause a crack in the pavement.

It wouldn’t.

Let us assume we are using a standard 10p coin. This weighs in at a hefty 6.5 grams. Using a quick calculation (which I can’t be bothered to do now, but I have done in the past), we can calculate the terminal velocity of the object, which we assume the coin reaches on the way down. This isn’t nearly fast enough to even break the skin on the skull. You may receive a sharp knock, and someone with a low pain threshold might bruise, but it certainly wouldn’t be fatal.

Now, a turd is nice and squishy, and thus the impact on the head would take longer, and, as I’m sure a couple of university graduates like you two know, this reduces the force of the impact. So, it would cause incredibly little pain, if any at all!

Falling crap ≠ Pain on head.

It’s wonderfully reassuring to know that one can walk around the bottom of the Eiffel Tower without fearing death from turd-inflicted head injury. However, Dame Caution would still advise taking an umbrella.

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Today, class, I am going to make you blush

December 27, 2008

** Click here for the Best of Answer Me This! 2008 – Part I **

Since Daniel from Gosport raised the subject in Episode 79, we’ve been very much enjoying your tales of embarrassing teachers. Miranda has another doozy:

The most embarrassing thing my teacher has ever said to me was during my sex education lessons in GCSEs. She first asked us who had had sex, and insisted we all put our hand up if we had. After about 10 mins of this half the class had their hands up, and then went on to talk about the positions she had done, and how it was enjoyable.

I wonder what her motive was for such bizarre behaviour. Perhaps she was trying to cement the link between sex and extreme shame, so that you all keep your pants on well into your thirties, thus dropping the teen pregnancy rate.

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Class, it’s time for a glimpse of my private life

December 16, 2008

** Click here for EPISODE 79 **

Happily, Daniel from Gosport‘s tale of his artificially tumescent teacher in Episode 79 has compelled you lot to share other stories of embarrassing teachers. First, Adz from Birmingham:

In English, 2 years ago, my teacher was quite attractive. Actually, she wasn’t all that, but she once unknowingly let me see an awesome cleavage shot. Anyway, she was typing on the computer which was linked up to the whiteboard so everything she typed was projected. She wrote “Analysis” (we were studying Shakespeare), but stopped at the L, and left it there deliberately.

Another time, she told us about how she was having a *family* discussion with her brother about how he uses his nasal hair trimmer for his pubes. The she went all red-faced and shut up while the whole class sat there in stunned silence.

Twice shudder-inducing. But which is worse, teachers trying to be bawdy or funny? Cri from Sudbury‘s teacher attempted a double combo:

The weirdest thing one of my teachers has ever said is “My name is Helga, I am a Transylvanian transvestite.”

His name was Steve and he was an English electronics teacher. It was scary

This reminds me of the first time I met my piano teacher, when I was eleven. He was wearing a vividly-patterned jumper, and said, “This isn’t a jumper, this is my skin!” Later, when the room was choked with the smell of his sweat, he said, “The room smells funny – I think it’s these biscuits.” I have never encountered a digestive biscuit before or since which had an odour akin to human B.O., but perhaps I have led an unusually sheltered existence.

Any more for any more? Comment below, please! Or, if you yourself are an embarrassing teacher, do share your favourite cringe-making manoeuvres!

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Hi there. Have you seen my crotch?

December 15, 2008

** Click here for EPISODE 79 **

In Episode 79 Stephen asked what the point is of neckties; and Sarah from Gaytown has a theory, albeit one that suggests she has ONE THING ON HER MIND:

Ties aren’t for anything more than to draw attention to the penis. Which is why it has an arrow right to the crotch.

Girls ought to go after bow ties – smart and wants his face to be seen before his cock.
Then again he might not have much to point to.

Sarah from Gaytown, we think we may have found your perfect chap:

Bow ties: nothing to do with the genitals

Phwoar and phwoar again.

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More namealikes!

December 10, 2008

** Click here for EPISODE 78 **

Since last week’s batch of namealikes, Peter from Chicago has written in to point out:

I had thought proper term was “googleganger.” It was one of the “new words” of 2007.
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=googleganger
http://wordie.org/words/googleganger
http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-a-googleganger.htm

Hmm – “googleganger” sounds a little bit too ‘prison shower’ for our tastes, so fingers crossed for ‘namealike’ as an early entrant into the new words of 2009. Anyway, on with your titular twins!

Says Joe List:

When I googled myselfI found this guy… http://www.myspace.com/joelist
He’s a stand up comedian from Queens. But he’s not funny at all.
I’m an animator/designer and I don’t make jokes about chicks. I don’t even say ‘chicks’.

So, little common ground between the Joe Lists. What about the Andrew from New Yorks?:

There is only one other person that I have ever found with my same name, he also lives in New York, but while I am a Forensic Scientist working for the police, my internet doppelganger is an Ukrainian Dance instructor/architect.

It’s fascinating enough that one man could be at once an architect and a Ukrainian dance instructor, let alone that his namealike has a job which ITV would make into a long-running drama series. Can any other listeners top that? Perhaps Paul Styles:

My namealike is an American wrestler called (you guessed it) Paul Styles.
His full stage name is Paul ‘The Role Model’ Styles. All the good nicknames must have been taken.

Cor! But let’s take a break now from all that showbiz and see who’s sharing the good name of Elizabeth in Aylesbury:

It turns out I’m a Barrister and a Lesbian and Gay rights campaigner, which is a million miles from what I do as I am a straight lady and a Sales Advisor in a department store.

For some reason, few of you are considering a namealike-inspired career change, even though for some of you it is pretty much already fixed up for you. Take, for instance, Tom T:

My namesake is an electrician who lives round the corner from my house, which explains why I’ve had phonecalls asking to do building jobs.

You should keep up the pretence, Tom T! You’re missing out on a not insubstantial hourly rate.

Finally, let’s check in with the Stan Dennings:

Imagine my surprise when I discovered my name-alike to be none other than the unnervingly hairy ‘Pastor Stan Denning’ and was introduced to the organisation ‘Marantha Motorcycle Ministry’, who according to their website have a desire to ‘promote God’s love and grace in the motorcycle community’.

Well, someone needs to do it.

If YOU have an inapt namealike, please tell us all about him/her in the comments below!

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The future Queen – doing her bit.

December 10, 2008

** Click here for EPISODE 78 **

Leave it to the Away team to point out the glaring errors in our knowledge of modern British history… Olly spent a portion of Episode 78 fantasising about the young Queen Elizabeth II doing her bit for the war effort on the tanks, and not even knowing that she would one day be crowned Fairy Princess of the West; suffice to say that, like most biopics, this misty-palmed reverie was lacking a little in the ‘factual accuracy’ department.

Fortunately, a couple of our Stateside listeners have been in touch to restore the ‘edu’ to the ‘edutainment’. Firstly, Nancy from Pennsylvania points out:

When the Queen was working on jeeps and such during the war, her father was already the King. Meaning, she knew she was going to be the Queen. Olly said that her father was not yet King when she was doing her bit. Wrong!

Peter from Chicago even shows his working (albeit relying upon the encyclopaedia equivalent of a tombola):

I checked on en.wikipedia.org, King George VI’s reign began on 11 December 1936, well before the start of World War II. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/George_VI_of_the_United_Kingdom)

Since his daughter Elizabeth (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elizabeth_II) was the granddaughter of King George V (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/George_V_of_the_United_Kingdom), she was a princess from the time she was born (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elizabeth_II#Heiress_presumptive).

She joined the WATS in 1945, and yes, she was mechanic and truck driver. (Would you say lorry driver?) (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elizabeth_II#World_War_II)

Now THAT’s another tip-top movie plot: the young queen as a trucker! Follow the future monach as she pluckily trundles up and down the B-roads, scratching her balls and subsisting off three fried breakfasts a day! I’m sure one could persuade Helen Mirren to take the role again.

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Pizza-ordering manners: the insider’s story

December 3, 2008

** Click here for Episode 77 **

In Episode 77, James from Royal Holloway University described the unfair ribbing he received from his ‘friends’ for his unbrutish telephone conduct when phoning for a pizza. Happily, Jack from Leeds has confirmed that James was very much in the right by not launching into his order straightaway, by giving the inside scoop on being the person on the other end of the phone:

Being a spotty 16 year old in need of some spending cash, I AM a pizza boy, and have a personal gripe about this. Here is Dr. Jack’s run down of ordering a pizza.

Pre-Call: Decide what you want. Nothing is worse than you ringing up to order six or seven pizzas, and I’ve got pizzas building up in the oven, chips burning and customers in store while you’re going round the room saying “Erm, Dave, what do you want?” Long pause… “What about Sandra?” The only exception to this rule is if you’ve looked at the menu and can’t choose, and want my professional opinion. In that case, I’m happy to help.

1) When the phone is answered, say in a clear voice one of the following:
a) I would like to place an order for collection
or
b) I would like to place an order for delivery.
Nothing else is allowed. In the case of delivery, have the house’s address and postcode on standby in case we don’t have you on the system.

2) Wait for the pizza boy/gal to ask for your order. When he/she does, all pizzas should be named with the following syntax:
[Name of Pizza (as on menu)] [Size in Inches] [Deep Pan or Thin Crust].
Pronounce ‘jalapeno’ correctly.
Any burger orders should be as follows:
[Name of Burger (as on menu)] [Single or Double (quarter or half pounder is also acceptable)] [Fries or No Fries].
Nothing else is allowed.

3)Shut up and let me tell you how much it will cost and when it will be there.

Please, for pizza boys/gals’ sakes everywhere, adhere to these simple rules and life will be much easier.

Bam! Clear as Fox’s Glacier Mints. Consider this aspect of 21st-century etiquette established, like curtseying when you meet the Queen.

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Pubic transport

December 3, 2008

** Click here for Episode 77 **

Episode 77‘s anonymous question about stiffies on the bus has unsurprisingly invited an animated response, firstly from Chris from Cardiff:

I just thought I’d write in to tell you an interesting (though somewhat useless) nugget of information – yes it is caused by the vibrations on the bus, it is known as a ‘Bus Cock’, and that is where the band The Buzzcocks got their name from.

Good nugget, Chris! Then, the charmingly-named Slagtits got in touch with a rock-solid solution to the potentially embarrassing problem:

I recall long ago….well not that long ago really mind you…. when I had the same problem. No matter how hot it was, I would always be seen, on the way to work, wearing my overalls, just in case I had a visit in the downstairs area. If only I had the “Stiffies underwear”. This invention was on our national T.V. broadcaster A.B.C., a programme called “The new inventors”. It is of a pair of underpants that will “redirect” your sprouting wood.

Ingenious! If you’re keen to purchase a pair of tumescence-restraining underpants, head over to www.stiffiesunderwear.com. They’re the perfect Christmas gift for the reluctant Priapus in your life.

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Insects in sex

December 3, 2008

** Click here for Episode 77 **

Thanks to the discussion of bee sex in Episode 75, Will flagged us down through the AMT!P Facebook group to avail us of the existence of hot porny bee vids.

“That’s right, it’s real bees, GOING AT IT!” cries Will excitedly. And he’s right:

NSFW! And also not safe for those who are traumatised by misplaced apostrophes; these delicate souls should just watch this saucy pair of boffing bees instead:

Or, if you prefer a bit of Lady-on-Lady action:

Once you’ve recovered from this fluster-inducing sexyfun, here’s a more serious bit of feedback from John from East Yorkshire:

I was disgusted, nay disappointed, nay disgustapointed to hear you talking rubbish about bees being mainly male. All worker bees are female as well as the queen, only the larger drones are male, and their sole purpose is for breeding. In winter the lady-bees kick the drones out of the hive so that they don’t have to feed them and all the males die. I’m surprised the multitude of bee-keepers who must listen to your podcast have not inundated you with this correction.

Jeepers. Lady bees sound an awful lot like Germaine Greer.

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Namealikes

December 3, 2008

** Click here for Episode 77 **

In Episode 77 Geoff raised the notion of people who share your name but not your career path, and you lovely chaps have been in touch with your own examples of this phenomenon. Charles Firth says:

My job is as an IT consultant, but there are two much more famous Charles Firths out there – both in Australia, oddly enough. One is a conservative talking head, and the other stars in the very funny show Chaser’s War on Everything (watch it if you can).

I’m sure there are a bunch more out there as well, and wonder if Google ranking is the right way to determine relative worth? Maybe there’s another Charles Firth out there who saves hurt puppies or something….

Keep hoping, Charles Firth! Perhaps YOU will find a cure for cancer and prevent the icecaps from melting, without even lifting a finger!

Chris Stringer has also been self-googling:

I share my name with a Professor Chris Stringer, who is a British anthropologist, and ‘one of Britain’s foremost experts on human origins’. Wouldn’t it be funny if I was a devout Christian? I’m not.
BUT the most interesting part was that on wikipedia, I was asked if I meant Chris Stringer the football player, my complete opposite – I’m an acoustic singer songwriter! I decided to have a look, and imagine the shock I had when I saw that Chris Stringer, from Grimsby, a former English pro footballer who played for Sheffield Wednesday, has the same birthday as me! What a coincidence!

Spoooooky! As is this tale from Nicole in Santa Barbara:

When I googled my maiden name Nicole Pursell, I got me (a teacher in California) and a high school swimmer in Washington. This is really nothing of note, but it gets funky. One day I was mailing a package, and the person commented on my name. The conversation went something like this:
“Your name is Nicole Pursell.”
“yes.”
“My last name is also Pursell, spelled the same way.” (usually people spell it Purcell)
“Interesting. We’re probably long lost relatives.”
“Yeah, but the weird thing is that my sister is Nicole Pursell.”
“Is she a swimmer, and are you from Washington?”
“Yes, how did you know?”
“I googled myself and she came up.”
The conversation continued with him telling me his life story about how if he were born a girl, he would have been Michelle (his name was Michael), and his sister would have been Nicholas, but they weren’t.
I just wanted to mail my book, but it was odd to meet a relation of the other Nicole Pursell.

Coincidence – or do postal workers in California just habitually tell name-related lies to keep themselves entertained throughout the day?

Keep US entertained by sending in your own strange and spooky namealikes, people!

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