Archive for the ‘Answer Us Back! Your time to opine’ Category

porn by post

May 29, 2012

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT216 •••

Here’s a question of mail redirection from Simon:

Just listening to AMT216 regarding receiving something meant for someone else. My wife and I bought a house just over a year ago. We paid for Royal Mail to redirect our post from the old place to the new one; however the people we bought the new place from didn’t.

As they had moved only a few streets over to a bigger house, and we are nice people, we dropped off the unwanted mail to them. Until last week when we received two brown envelopes that had not been sealed.

Out of these two envelopes dropped four DVDs with very explicit porn pictures on them.

Answer me this: should we i) casually post these discs without saying anything to them, ii) make a big song and dance about them because my 4-year-old son could have picked them up and it would have caused all kind of questions from him, or iii) as they were addressed to the husband, give them to the wife as he’s a sex-starved idiot who can’t cover his tracks and she might take the hint he has ‘specialist’ needs?

You forget iv) keep them for your own ‘specialist needs’.

I’d opt for the first solution of non-comment, because I don’t see the benefit to you of intruding further into the private life of a couple you barely know. After all, there could be a perfectly innocent explanation – LoveFilm may simply have got their order wrong.

• iTUNES • ALBUMS • AMT BOOK • QUESTION ARCHIVE • EPISODES • FAQ •
iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH

Live with…Olly’s cat Coco

May 29, 2012

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT216 •••

Last week, Olly bemoaned the apparent bias towards the faces of ordinary boring children in the photoframe on the desk on Channel 5’s Live With…. And when Olly Mann bemoans, the world sits up with a start and pays attention! We were thrilled and astonished to receive the following email from The Live With… Team:

Thanks so much for mentioning Channel 5’s “Live with….” on the podcast last week.

Unfortunately you’re wrong that we only have babies as our face in the frame – we’ve had men and women of all ages, and a number of dogs. But we have never had a cat – so if you’d like to send us a photo of Coco, we’d be delighted for her to be the first.

Squeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

We’ll find out which day you need to tune in to Live With… Fern Britton later this week to see the inaugural cat-in-the-frame moment.

• iTUNES • ALBUMS • AMT BOOK • QUESTION ARCHIVE • EPISODES • FAQ •
iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH

where to forget Sarah Marshall

May 24, 2012

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT215 •••

If you were planning a holiday based on Jason Segel films, Phil from Christchurch, Dorset has done some research you might find useful:

In Episode 214 you questioned whether the hotel in Forgetting Sarah Marshallhas receptionists as attractive as actress Mila Kunis.

I’ve been lucky enough to spend a few weeks in the same beach house used by Russell Brand in the film (the Turtle Bay Resort in Hawaii) and I can confirm that although their receptionists were helpful and efficient, they were either men or more ‘traditionally Hawaiian’ in shape. In fact the reception shown in the film was a temporary and much smaller fake one plonked next to the hotel’s hugely overpriced jewellery store.

I wonder what Phil was doing there for ‘a few weeks’. Perhaps recovering from being dumped by Kristen Bell and wondering whether his puppet Dracula musical might get him any new ladies.

• iTUNES • ALBUMS • AMT BOOK • QUESTION ARCHIVE • EPISODES • FAQ •
iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH

Michael the archer: how’s he doing?

May 21, 2012

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT215 •••

Many, many, many of you have written to find out whether Michael the archer from AMT186 made it into Team GB to do archery at the London 2012 Olympics.

It is with great disappointment I am writing to you to tell you that I have failed to make the GB archery team for this summer’s Olympic Games.

It was a close battle but even with the entertainment you gave me, I was only able to get 4th, just outside of the team of three. So I will be spending the summer as Olympic reserve and hoping none of my teammates “fall down any stairs”.

So answer me this: have I wasted my money, career, time and life in this endeavour? If I have, it does not feel like it to me 🙂

It is good you feel that way, and that you can still smile about it! To us – people who will never ever be anywhere close to qualifying for any reserve Olympic team (at least not until ‘eating the largest number of dim sum in one sitting’ or ‘scooting a swivel chair across an uncarpeted floor’ become official events) – your achievement is already very impressive.

• iTUNES • ALBUMS • AMT BOOK • QUESTION ARCHIVE • EPISODES • FAQ •
iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH

Kris update: bitch still being bitch

May 16, 2012

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT214 •••

In case you were wondering how fares Kris from Durham from last week’s episode, he has written to update us on how his ex-girlfriend continues to take advantage of him:

Last week she said the animal rescue she worked for needed help with posters for an event as their graphic designer had dropped them last minute. Guess which bloody muggins went and did the work! ME. OK, it was for “Charidee” and it saves little dogs’ and cats’ lives, but you’re right – she’s being a twat.

She even said “This is really fucked up, isn’t it? That I keep asking you for advice on him and all that jazz?” I’m aware it’s beyond cretinous of me to think that this gentleman (who she’s already expressing concerns over, due to his lack of texting in between their dates) has no future and that realistically I can and should try to win her back?

I don’t want to get all Romeo and Juliet on things, but I genuinely love her, it was just a bumpy patch and long distance is a twat at the best of times. Truth be told, we’d discussed the future, and she was drunk.

I’ve genuinely no idea what to do?

We already told you what to do, Kris: CUT OUT THIS SELFISH BITCH. She’s happy to keep stringing you along while she’s exploring other options; she has already shown gross insensitivity in regaling you with tales of her sexual exploits with somebody else; and now she’s also taking advantage of your professional skills for free! Why why why why WHY would you want to win back this prize piece?

Tough love time, Kris – here’s what you have to do:
i) stop answering her calls and emails;
ii) give yourself some time to grieve for the relationship, without her popping up all the time to ruin your progress with learning to live without her;
iii) get some self-respect;
iv) send her an invoice for the posters.

• iTUNES • ALBUMS • AMT BOOK • QUESTION ARCHIVE • EPISODES • FAQ •
iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH

cans of doom

May 16, 2012

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT214 •••

As we said last week, we are too lazy to decant canned foods, but Scott has been in touch to tell us how we can expect to die from doing so:

I work at a hotel so I’ve attended many a mandatory food safety training course. I can tell you as far as I know there are three (dubious) reasons why you shouldn’t store food in opened cans:

1. Botulism. Historically you could get botulism from canned food. Apparently the botulism spores stick to the inside of the can, so storing the food in the can will increase exposure to the spores. However with modern canning processes, botulism has been pretty much eradicated.

2. People tend to leave metal utensils in the cans as well. Two different metals in a liquid that is salty or acidic can create a battery. This electrolytic reaction can alter the chemical composition of the food which could be bad. i.e. corrode the metal in the can into the food.

3. In commercial kitchens chefs who don’t decant cans are lazy and therefore may be too lazy to have good hygiene practices. (This is the main reason I was given.)

I do know that if you own a commercial kitchen and you have a visit from an environmental health officer, there is a pretty hefty fine if they find any food stored in opened cans – I think it’s in the thousands.

Thanks, Scott! We are unlikely to change our lazy ways; in fact we will be intensifying the laziness by no longer answering the doorbell, in case it is an environmental health officer.

• iTUNES • ALBUMS • AMT BOOK • QUESTION ARCHIVE • EPISODES • FAQ •
iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH

pot with Pop

May 16, 2012

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT214 •••

If you want some of the good stuff, Michael from Ealing knows someone who can get some for you:

With reference to Kevin’s dilemma about wanting to try cannabis – my dad said a very similar thing. However, he was 84 at the time. So, for his 85th birthday I gave him a joint. I was 55 at the time – yes, a child of the 60s, so had a tiny bit of previous! Nevertheless, hadn’t smoked in years, so I did have to source it from a young woman at work who I knew indulged (I run a funky kind of company). Anyway, I had the joy of getting stoned with my dad round the kitchen table. He didn’t know whether it was the joint or his ageing mind that made him keep forgetting things. But, boy, did we laugh!

He died four years later and I’m so glad I was able to fulfil one of his desires to fully experience the world before he went. I’m not advocating trying everything (now a venerable elder myself) and certainly the dope today is nowhere near as safe as it was, but experiencing life is what’s important as long as you don’t harm anyone or yourself. Mind you – that’s a huge debatable question in itself.

It is, it is – and if any of you want to debate that, you may use the comments as your own Model United Nations.

Meanwhile, does anyone else think that Michael’s story is perfect for a sweet multi-generation stoner comedy from one of Judd Apatow’s acolytes? Maybe with Christopher Plummer reprising his Beginners role as the dad, Tim Robbins as the son, Maggie Gyllenhaal as the dealer at work, and Paul Giamatti as the oddball neighbour who wants in on the action. Oh, and in the fictionalised version, Michael from Ealing also should have a strait-laced teenage son who disapproves (but, of course, comes around in the end when he sees how happy his grandpa is in his twilight years). Michael Cera’s a shoo-in.

• iTUNES • ALBUMS • AMT BOOK • QUESTION ARCHIVE • EPISODES • FAQ •
iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH

fountains of cash

May 9, 2012

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT213 •••

We’ve had a couple of bits of feedback on some slightly older episodes of AMT. Firstly, Stevie-Rhiannon and Tyler in Calgary pipe up:

During episode 207 you answered a question about the fountains in Trafalgar Square.

The pennies thrown into the water at “Its a Small World” in Walt Disney World are donated to the Make a Wish foundation and are cleaned out every six months. We both worked at EPCOT last year and have heard that the last amount gathered was over $1,000,000.

That is a very impressive and heart-warming fact! What a rare combo. However, Disney must somewhat benefit from the Make a Wish foundation, seeing as almost all the wishes are to go to Disney. I bet Disney also have stakes in a swimming-with-dolphins centre, just so they make a clean sweep.

Jessica from Launceston has a comment upon a longer-ago episode:

Do you remember episode 193 when you talked about “I Can’t Believe it’s not Butter”? Anyway, I was browsing the interwebs and found this:

I hope you find this significantly diverting.

Diverting indeed! I’m very taken by the idea of Schrödinger’s butter, although I’d worry that when I opened lid I’d find a dead cat inside.

• iTUNES • ALBUMS • AMT BOOK • QUESTION ARCHIVE • EPISODES • FAQ •
iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH

Aga incubator

May 2, 2012

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT212 •••

Ishbel from Kinross-shire is able to shed some light upon last week’s question about why Agas are so miraculous:

I grew up with an Aga. I realise that makes it sound like throughout my childhood it loved and fed me like a mother. This is accurate. There’s two hot plates and two ovens. Top oven is cooking central, bottom oven is cooler and heats plates, slow cooks meringues, dries kindling. You name it.

What you probably wouldn’t name is this next story. My friend’s grandpa was born at home, as was the wont of people a century ago. He was premature and seemed to be stillborn. The doctor had to tend to his dying mother and gave the dead baby to his granny to dispose of. She was ever the Victorian optimist and fed the baby brandy, wrapped him in cloths and put him in the bottom oven of their Aga, WITH THE DOOR CLOSED and looked after him there for A WEEK. When the doctor returned to check on the mother, the granny showed him the surviving baby in the oven and the doctor fainted. Said baby went on to live to nearly one hundred years old.

I believe that the young Australian lady will agree that this story quashes any reservations that she had about how boring Agas are. Maybe now she can ask her friends if they intend to use theirs to nurse back to life undead babies.

Gosh! Now I’d like to venture forth a new theory: that Jesus Christ was not laid to rest in the tomb of Joseph of Arimathea, but in the warming oven of an Aga. Of course the gospels changed ‘cast iron enamel door’ to a large stone, just to make it sound a bit more Biblical.

SUBSCRIBE WITH iTUNES • AMT BOOK • QUESTION ARCHIVE • EPISODES • FAQ
• iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH •

“I lvovoveee youhjhkkfddssakwrffvzzzzzzzz”

May 2, 2012

You recall David from AMT212, the man who I advised against sending his crush a fake drunken text confessing his emotions? Here’s the next installment of his story:

In the end I didn’t send a soberly-made drunk text that I later regretted, mostly in part due to Helen’s accurate accusation that that would make me a dickhead. No. Instead I managed to send an actual drunk text in which I managed to simultaneously remind him that he was smarting from a recent breakup and also that I am apparently a bit of a loser.

He took it remarkably well, which only made it worse when I managed to send him a second drunk text not two nights ago saying almost exactly the same thing, except this time he didn’t reply. So basically…shit.

Answer me this: what should I do now? Pursue him one more time? Or learn to know when I’m beaten (albeit by my own idle thumbs)?

Firstly, install Drunkblocker on your phone.

Secondly, send him a brief SOBER email apologising for the drunk texts, explaining that you were nervous because you really like him, and then ask him out. On a date. A date for coffee or ice-cream or ANYTHING WITHOUT BOOZE IN IT. At this point you appear to have nothing to lose, so you might as well be honest about your feelings, and in doing so hopefully make some amends.

If he still does not respond, then you’re going to have to deploy your radar to find a new stealth gay. Unless readers have any better ideas? Go to the comments and help out David, and please, do not type whilst under the influence.

SUBSCRIBE WITH iTUNES • AMT BOOK • QUESTION ARCHIVE • EPISODES • FAQ
• iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH •

I brake for hearses

March 21, 2012

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT209 •••

It seems a large number of you have ridden in hearses, despite being still alive! Apropos of our discussion of the funereal vehicles in AMT209, we’ve heard from Stephen from Greenock:

I play the bagpipes and in my student days made a good side-business piping at funerals. The one problem is I don’t drive. At one particular funeral, I asked the funeral director if I could hitch a lift in the hearse, as I’ve been known to do.

Most hearses are two drivers’ seats plus three behind, then the area for the coffin…but not this one. This has the two front seats (taken by the funeral director and priest) and a seat behind each of these. And instead of the third middle seat, the top end of the coffin went there. I therefore spent a very uncomfortable ten minutes sitting alone in this hearse at the church with the coffin (and within, the head-end of the deceased) right at my shoulder while the priest and funeral director chatted with mourners!

That, I would say, is an occupational hazard.

As we suspected, there’s a lively market for second-hand hearses, confirmed by Kevin:

During the summers my father was in college/university, he worked for a harpsichord builder who loved used hearses. You get them incredibly cheap because no one wants to be buried in a used one, they have very good suspension, and they already have rollers in the back for moving boxy wooden things about the size of a coffin or a harpsichord.

Very sensible! Far more so than the pre-owned hearse of Celeste from Elephant and Castle‘s acquaintance:

My uncle used to drive a hearse, in the 1970s or earlier. He is a bit of an eccentric, been a professional violinist since the age of nineteen, and has an interesting history of weird cars and motoring in general – buying a car without a reverse gear; leaving a jar of pickled gherkins in an old car of his, and having not screwed the lid on properly it leaked vinegar everywhere so he had to sell the car; and buying a gold-coloured Mercedes (to the horror of my aunt), as well as losing his license pretty much every year.

Back in his hearse days, I believe he was involved in a car crash (not his fault) and he, his now ex-girlfriend and her daughter suffered relatively few injuries because he was driving a hearse at the time, which was especially well padded/armoured/hardcore. So hearses are very safe – which seems a bit pointless as normally the people in the back are already dead.

Yes, but they are also in a big heavy wooden box, which could cause very comprehensive damage if it shot straight through an inadequate crumple zone. In a way, the death industry is foolishly protecting itself against getting extra work.

SUBSCRIBE WITH iTUNES • AMT BOOK • QUESTION ARCHIVE • EPISODES • FAQ
• iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH •

continuity announcers: the inside scoop

March 6, 2012

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT207 •••

We love it when you people reveal your myriad jobs to us – maybe because how we pass our days can no longer be termed a ‘job’ – as Pete has done here:

My girlfriend was listening to AMT207 and told me that one of the topics of conversation was regarding the role of Continuity Announcers. Which is funny. As that’s what I do.

You seem pretty clued up about it all, but just to confirm, all main channels have live continuity announcements. Well, 1-4 definitely do; I’m not too sure about Channel 5.

Whilst a lot of digital channels have historically been pre-recorded, more and more of the larger ones (especially the entertainment ones, such as E4, BBC3, ITV2, etc) are now live during the evenings, to sound more immediate and “in-the-moment”. Since the advent of Twitter and what’s rather pretentiously known as “real-time water-cooler moments”, live announcing is more in-demand than ever.

And it’s not just talking on the telly that we do. Sometimes we make cups of tea too.

But of course – proper throat lubrication is essential in a profession requiring vocal excellence. Each cup of tea should be covered by some Occupational Health mandate.

SUBSCRIBE WITH iTUNES • AMT BOOK • QUESTION ARCHIVE • EPISODES • FAQ
• iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH •