To follow the mood of this week, we must announce that we’ve decided to cut Answer Me This! Episode 153 by eight per cent. However we reassure you that we will be freezing the length of this episode at 27 minutes 37 seconds for the next two years, or until the apocalypse, whichever is sooner. Here you go:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
Today’s time-of-austerity topics include:
non-alcoholic beer
Jim Henson’s fake rats
shadduck
Michael Apted
Lidl
Johnny Depp vs. Danny Dyer Center Stage
Olly’s favourite condoms (surprisingly not these ones) The Witches
Stephen Jones, milliner
isopropanol
Rowan Atkinson’s ‘early’ work
Bonnie Prince Billy’s hometown
Nicolas Roeg
identical twins
Michael Palin in drag
and
losing your virginity to a chair.
Plus: Olly has been repelled from his favourite snack by Gok Wan; Helen suggests a high school Joseph Mengele; and Martin the Sound Man plays off Gene Wilder and Spike Milligan against each other. WHO WILL WIN? We will, alas, never know.
What we do know is that next week is the last episode in which we’ll be handing out free books to questioneers, so send us your most brilliant QUESTIONS right now! Leave a voicemail on the Question Line 0208 123 5877 or Skype IDanswermethis, or email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, to which you should send your postal address if you are one of this week’s featured questioneers and want to claim your freebie.
If you want to claim your not-quite-free-but-really-not-too-pricey copy of Answer Me This!: Collected Juvenilia, then investigate answermethispodcast.com/book, whereat you will find not only links to a few online bookshops, but also some sample pages to induce you to preorder itmake you decide to order Booky Wook 2 instead.
Helen and Olly
PS Forgot to mention: this week’s bonus bit on the app is Olly’s account of his recent debut trip to a branch of Hooters. It was all in the name of post-feminist irony, alright?
Tsch, women! Bloody women! I say that on behalf of Tom, who has emailed us with some girl trouble of the unromantic kind:
Basic Summary – I’ve known a girl for about 4 years and we have been pretty close friends. Going to the cinema and for meals together (don’t worry this isn’t some silly teenage romance question).
The summer holidays have finished and she is at a new school and she has met up with another group of people. I don’t have a problem with this but she is having a pool party around her house (she’s rich) and after 4 years of being very close friends she hasn’t invited me, but all these people she has just met are invited as well as some people who we both used to hang about together with, so this isn’t just for new people. Admittedly I’m not the biggest party person but I have a good time, I don’t go over the top or anything or cause a problem.
I was talking to some of her friends who I’m close to and who have been invited. They say she only has a certain amount of people that can come, but that’s complete shit her house is massive and it’s only one more person. These friends think its ridiculous I’m not invited but I don’t even care anymore (as you can tell from this angry email).
I want to know what I should do????
Confront her? Ignore her? Try to maintain a friendship (not that I particularly want to now). I’m so confused.
Understandably so, Tom. Even if she ever gives you an explanation, it’s unlikely to be one which makes you any happier; so we recommend you cut your losses and fraternise with rather more inclusive friends. Even if they don’t have their own pools.
But readers, what would you recommend? Tell Tom your comforts or conspiracy theories in the comments.
You mentioned the performance of King Lear with Ian Holm in it. It was many years ago when I was doing my A Levels and happened to be studying King Lear. I went to see it! My friend Adam wangled the prized tickets off his parents.
As film fans, Adam and I rated Holm for his performance in Alien rather than The Borrowers, yet neither of us were expecting to see Ian Holm get his tadger out. Which he did to great effect whilst going mad because his daughters had given him the cold shoulder or whatever. It’s Lear’s own fault it was a bloody stupid idea in the first place (as I wrote in my A level).
Much later, whenever Lord of the Rings would come into a conversation, we would both state, ‘I’ve seen Bilbo’s knob’.
So my question is simply this:
Have any of the AMT team ever seen a famous member? And a smutty film or on the internet doesn’t count! It has to be in real life!
Olly saw Daniel Radcliffe’s wang when he was in Equus, but by extension of your rules, Chris, I don’t think theatrical cock-spots should be permitted either. Now that we’ve established the guidelines, readers, unleash your inner Pamela Des Barres and the comments and tell us about your encounters with famous members.
Richard from yumblog is not satisfied with Olly’s choice of musical beat-off material:
I have just listened to episode 151 and was amazed that you (and in particular Olly) were unable to name a single porno musical.
Just a cursory glance at my DVD collection reveals the family favourite Clitty Titty Gang Bang, the 1961 naval lark All hands on Dick, Julie Andrews’ hilarious portrayal of an aging twenties flapper in Thoroughly Modern Milf, Bob Fosse’s messy All That Jizz, the sharp-shooting Wild West fun of Annie up the Bum, George Gershwin’s saucy tale of incest Porking Aunt Bess, Peter Sellers and Goldie Horn in the British-made les-fest There’s a Girl on Girl in my Soup, the Busby Berkeley-choreographed Tea Baggers of 1933, James Cagney in Yank My Doodle Dandy, the double penetration classic Two Gentlemen do Veronica, the Tony Award-winning tale of Arthurian legend and bukakke Came a Lot, er, Anal Q, Oklahomo…
I could go on (but had better get back to work).
‘All That Jizz’ was on the shortlist of names for this podcast before we came up with ‘Answer Me This’. No kidding. Damn you Fosse for getting there first! (However we’re pleased to tell you that our other podcast ‘Porking Aunt Bess’ is still going strong.)
Of course, you’re already used to getting good advice from us. (Shut up!) But this week, we have some even better advice from broadcasting stalwart Paul Ross, which was instrumental in making Olly Mann the broadcasting stalwart he himself is today. Hear what it was here and here only, in Answer Me This! Episode 152:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
This week, we address subjects including:
90s collars
Benson & Hedges
The Saturdays
butterbear
Carr’s water biscuits
yuppie kids
evil spirits
Ciro Citterio
the Queen vs. Pixie Lott
Batman’s wedding
Hong Kong tailors
trangias
Terry’s Chocolate Lemons
ligatures
Warhorse
Ben Stiller’s workwear
the musical cleft
Luciano Pavarotti outstaying his welcome
ball-handlers
the Isle of Arran
and
&.
Furthermore: Olly is a staunch conservative when it comes to the appropriate composition of orange-flavoured foodstuffs; Helen’s innate scruffiness has dashed her telemarketing dreams; and Martin the Sound Man stands up for Tom Stoppard. Meanwhile, over on the app, Gaz from Jedburgh has a question about a problem we’re sure is common to a great many of you: nepotism in the forestry business.
Everyone who got a question answered in today’s episode needs to email us their postal address sharpish, so we can send along a free copy of the Answer Me This! book; everyone else needs to send us a QUESTION to be in with a chance to win a free book, along with an answer, of course. You know what to do: leave a voicemail on the Question Line 0208 123 5877 or Skype IDanswermethis, or email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
Help a lover out, readers: apply yourselves to this problem from Anonymous Girl:
I’ve been seeing this lovely guy for about five months. He’s very affectionate and sweet and caring, but he’s never told me he loves me.
I’m too scared to say I love him and risk some terrible knockback, and for all I know he might feel the same way. Or maybe he just doesn’t love me, yet. Or maybe he never will!
What should I do? What’s the normal time to tell someone you love them?
Judge-a-book-by-its-cover Corner now, thanks to this email from Helen in Hertford:
My friend’s mum is always telling her to never trust a man whose eyes are too close together. So answer me this: is there any truth in this, or is she just a bit prejudiced against people who aren’t making full use of the space on their face?
Physiognomists, go to the comments and tell us whether there is indeed any evidence to back up this (clearly absurd) theory; everyone else, go there to tell us about your own ludicrous stereotyping. For instance, my friend Al never trusts someone whose surname can also be a first name. Madness, I know! OK, your turn.
Sure, we’re callous, but we do enjoy hearing all about your irrational fears. So we were of course delighted to receive the following extraordinary email from Kate in Cambridge:
I am terrified of bananas. I hate everything about them and cannot stand to touch smell or even look at them without it sending shivers down my spine. Eurrrgh!
The problem is that people I meet find this very amusing, and try and conjure up different ways in which to torture me with bananas. My boyfriend learnt how scared I am the hard way, whilst only having been together a month, he came at me with a banana and in my fear and panic I slashed open his arm with a bread knife (I was cutting bread at the time and it was an accident).
Seven years down the line the scars have faded and he knows not to banana me anymore. So my question to you is, When new people find out about my banana fear how can I make them understand and stop them trying to torture me with bananas?
I’m afraid there is no way to make people understand a phobia of bananas. No way in the world. Our advice to you instead is to travel back in time to Second World War Britain, where even if you wanted to, you couldn’t get a banana for love nor money.
PS: Was Kate’s fear triggered by watching this at an impressionable age?
As promised, we’re back from our little break – Olly at the Wizarding World of Harry Potter, Helen at the Wizarding World of her own living room – and without further ado, it’s time for Answer Me This! Episode 151:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
Rusty from our hiatus, we try to remember what that ‘conversation’ thingy is that we used to do, and harness the following subjects in the hopes that they’ll cumulatively become one:
dental floss sticks
inflated pig bladders
Mark Lawson
sexy Humpty Dumpty
minstrels Porn: The Musical vs. Les Mis
truth vs. not lies Tycoon with Peter Jones Terri Hall (not to be confused with Terry Hall) the Spitting Image Chicken Song
unequal phone relationships
crows
Stewart Lee
Paul Daniels
stoned assassins
the sack of Troy
the Hogwarts Express conductor
invisible dog leads
and
Brian Krakow.
Plus: Olly finally understands why he’s booked in for so many appointments at the GUM clinic; Helen wants praise for her more obscure career avenues, thanks; and Martin the Sound Man wants to see a bit more of Ian Holm. Quite a lot more, in fact. But if he can’t get Holm’s pants off, Caitlin Moran’s would be a welcome consolation prize.
This week’s bonus bit on the app is a question from Catherine about why a kitty is called a kitty. As in a financial kitty, not a cute wickle cat, though just the linguistic similarity is enough for Olly in his now inevitable slide into becoming one of these.
We crave your QUESTIONS for the new series, so deliver them to us in the form of a voice mail left on the Question Line 0208 123 5877 or Skype IDanswermethis; alternatively you can deliver them emailwise to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. And, as we announced on today’s show: everyone who gets their question into an episode this month wins a copy of the Answer Me This! book! Yes, we’ve bloody well written a book. It comes out on 4th November. You can read a sample of it here where there are also links for pre-ordering it, if you are inclined to be an early adopter.
See you next week,
Helen and Olly
PS Here’s a family-friendly(ish) clip of Alice in Wonderland – An X-Rated Musical Fantasy. If you can make it past the actors speaking in rhyming couplets to anything even faintly stimulating, we salute you.
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, and a question from Pat from Canada:
My uncle passed away a few months ago. My mom (his sister) and I went to pick out a headstone for his grave and found it very hard to find an appropriate epitaph for him. You see, he was a miserable old fellow and was especially mean to my mother during the last five years of his life. Nothing anyone did for him was good enough.
So when we looked at the sample sayings to put at the bottom of the stone, we were stumped. Of course, we could have just selected something like “A friend to all” or “His smile lit up a room”, but we would be lying and anyone who knew him and visited the grave would know it, too!
So, answer me this: what is an appropriate phrase to put on a grave marker when the deceased wasn’t a very nice fellow?
Readers, you’re a tasteless bunch. Go forth to the comments and do your worst.
The following one from Dom in Twickenham is one which is replicated in screaming tones within my own head after every trip to the coiffurist:
Please answer me this, why do hairdressers NEVER give you the haircut that you want? And why can you never say that you are unhappy with the cut that they’ve given you?
Apparently, when I told my barber this morning that I ‘just want it shortened a bit’, he understood it to mean: “Make me look like a lesbian, please.”
Maybe he thought you look like someone who enjoys sex with women. Give the guy a break, Dom! Meanwhile, if any of you readers are hairdressers, go to the comments and explain your evil actions. And if any of you are hair perverts, you can also go to the comments and explain exactly why you keep bothering Maya:
I have a little dilemma that is slowly testing my passive nature. I’m black and people always touch my hair and want to play with it. I understand that the texture is different and somewhat intriguing, but I value my personal space. So, could you please answer me this: how do I tell people to stop touching me (even strangers) without coming across as rude and aggressive? I’m in danger of snapping someone’s hand off.
So, as we told you at the end of Episode 150, we’ve been asked to assist in the breaking of a world record. Stop laughing, it’s true! Finally, our athleticism will be recognised…oh, leave us alone. It’s just like school sports day all over again.
We will, in fact, be lending ourselves to what is being called in some quarters the world’s biggest three-way. Raise your minds from the gutter, please, for this feat is in fact an attempt to break the world record for the longest three-way phone conversation, viz:
At 2pm on Thursday 30th September, cricket legend Phil Tufnell, comedy legend Patrick Monahan, and boobs legend Jodie Marsh will install themselves in the middle of Waterloo, Victoria and London Bridge stations; whereupon they will commence talking to each other on the phone, and they won’t stop for 24 hours.
But in case they are flagging at the final furlong, we are being dispatched on the Friday morning to perk up their chatter with some of your questions. Summon your unparalleled inquisitiveness and put the results into a comment below, or in an email to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com entitled ‘Phil/Jodie/Patrick, answer me this‘ [delete names as appropriate]. Don’t tell us you have nothing you’ve ever wanted to ask Jodie Marsh, we know you’re lying.
You can watch a live feed of the World’s Biggest Threeway, follow it on twitter.com/powwownow and Facebook, and find out a load more about it at www.upforathreewaycall.com. If you’re passing through one of the stations, you can even admire the record-attempters in action, and perhaps give them an energy drink or calf massage. And with your question-asking help, by the end of next week the three will find themselves in this illustrious company and we can all pretend they couldn’t have done it without us.
Answer Me This! Podcast 