Helen Zaltzman

Author Archive

another milestone for Answer Me This!

January 30, 2007

Back in the olden days (ie episode 2), we asked you listeners whether you’d listened to Answer Me This! in a plane, or failing that what was the weirdest place in which you’d listened to the podcast. Answers to the latter, quite fairly, ranged from ‘in the nude’ to ‘Nottingham’.

However, after the following email trotted into our inbox this morning, I am delighted to announce that Answer Me This! has achieved its first mile-high listener:

Dear Helen and Olly,

Weren’t you wondering recently whether anyone had signed answermethispodcast into the mile high club? Well I did! But not in a dirty way. Last Sunday, episode 2, London Heathrow to Chicago O’Hare, somewhere near Iceland!

Congratulations!

Alex D

And congratulations back at you, Alex D. The challenge is on, listeners – beat that! I look forward to hearing from Gerald A. Spacetourist: ‘I listened to episode 6004 whilst orbiting the Moon. To be honest, having spent £1million on the trip, I should have waited until I got home.’

Subscribe with iTunes • Listen to previous episodes • Question Archive
FAQ • Facebook Fanclub • Merchandise Superstore • YouTube Channel

Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine, News, User-generated answers | 1 Comment »

Trying times at Answer Me This

January 26, 2007

Hello, pals. You’re probably thinking: “By this time of the week, I’ve usually received the new episode of Answer Me This!, seeing how it comes out on Thursdays and is supposed to be weekly. But where the crivens is Episode Four? Huh?”

Well, you’d be right to wonder. Episode Four is indeed all ready and champing at the bit to be released. However, as in Terminator, technology is the enemy; unfortunately it is the very enemy to which the medium of podcasting is inextricably wedded. And currently, it’s a marriage in which our web hosting company is out somewhere on a three-day booze bender, having left poor old Episode Four back at home chained to the kitchen radiator.

Hopefully our hosting company will come back from the saloon with a contrite expression and a posy from the all-night garage, promising Episode Four he didn’t know what came over him and it won’t happen again. Episode Four is sick of being blamed for all the problems in the marriage, and just wants Technology to start behaving itself again. But Episode Four can’t even think of leaving Technology and going it alone. All Episode Four wants is love…

Meanwhile, if you can’t wait for an Answer Me This! hit until our technological problems are resolved, why not have a listen to Episode Three, Episode Four’s pretty cousin who never seems to have any problems? Alternatively, you could make your own personal Answer Me This! with a couple of sock puppets and a funny voice.

Also, while we’re on the subject of Bad News: our MySpace account just got hacked and some naughty swine sent all our Imaginary Friends lots of bulletins about penis enlargement. So, if you’re one of our Imaginary Friends and got thusly spammed, we apologise. Honestly, we have no interest at all in enlarging your penises.

It’s not all doom and gloom at Answer Me This!, however: last Saturday we were shocked and delighted to discover that after only three episodes, we were already in the iTunes top 100 comedy podcasts, at number 63!

This mightn’t sound particularly glorious to you, but our expectations were LOW. And number 63 was only a few places below the Reduced Shakespeare Company and famous-off-the-telly David Walliams talking about swimming!

Even more excitingly, later that evening we went up to number 55. Calloo callay! Since then, we’ve hovered somewhere between 55 and 70, snapping at the podcasting heels of David Walliams. But this morning we found that not only was Answer Me This! back up to 55, it was also a whopping TEN PLACES ABOVE WALLIAMS! And neither of us has even swum the Channel! If we had, we’d probably be top 20 for sure.

So, thankyou ever so much to all of you who have subscribed to Answer Me This! on iTunes. If you haven’t, you can do so by clicking here, and as soon as you’ve done that, please subscribe to one of the really popular comedy podcasts (eg Gervais, Brand, Moyles, Best of YouTube, that sort of thing) because we’ve found that helps shunt us up the chart a bit. We can get into the top 50, people! Let’s all reach for the skies!

And in the meantime, let’s hope that Episode Four and the Hosting Company patch up their differences and give it another shot.

Subscribe with iTunes • Listen to previous episodes • Question Archive
FAQ • Facebook Fanclub • Merchandise Superstore • YouTube Channel

Posted in News | Leave a Comment »

Martin the Sound Man’s eggy web of deceit

January 24, 2007

* To listen to episode 3 of Answer Me This!, click here *

Last year, Martin the Sound Man released an EP called Tissue Of Lies.

I didn’t think the title was of any especial significance. UNTIL NOW.

You know that stuff about poached eggs that Martin was spouting in episode three? Something about how to twiddle with the ions so that the proteins do something or other? (OK, I admit my mind did wander a bit.) Remember that?

Well, we’ve had an email from a scientist called May. Her email address is ‘proteinsaredifficult’, which suggests she sure knows her stuff about proteins. She says:

The core of the protein consists of tightly packed hydrophobic residues, whereas the surface is mostly hydrophillic. Water molecules are unlikely to “break” into the protein and diffuse the egg because the residues are so tightly packed.

In translation: “What Martin said about the science behind coagulating egg-whites was a load of horseshit. And just because he has a PhD in quantum physics (which he probably BOUGHT OFF THE INTERNET anyway) doesn’t mean he knows shit about shinola. Or egg-whites.”

So, Martin, you are officially a Bad Egg and you have brought Answer Me This! into disrepute. Shame on you! Shame!!!!

Lest we get into this sort of hot water again, here’s a little advance warning: in episode 4, Olly accidentally says ‘pineapple’ when he meant ‘pumpkin’. I apologise in advance if this affects your enjoyment of his joke.

Subscribe with iTunes • Listen to previous episodes • Question Archive
FAQ • Facebook Fanclub • Merchandise Superstore • YouTube Channel

Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine, contrition | Leave a Comment »

Jude ‘Crystal-Pissing’ Law

January 24, 2007

* To listen to episode 3 of Answer Me This!, click here *

Way back in episode two, we broached the subject of the Jude Law film The Wisdom of Crocodiles, in which he plays a serial killer who, after killing someone, pisses a crystal and puts it into a special box.

To elaborate upon this issue, we’ve had an email from Nathan, who says:

Answer me this: Did you know that Jude “Crocodile Tears” Law’s crystal-pissing condition has some basis in reality? Healthy urine may contain three types of crystals Oxalate, Triple Phosphate and Cystine. However, Jude’s crystals seem (from your description) to be more unusual which suggests that he may be suffering from liver disease of “maple syrup urine” disease.

Poor old Jude. No wonder his fictional self was cross enough to kill Timothy Spall.

Subscribe with iTunes • Listen to previous episodes • Question Archive
FAQ • Facebook Fanclub • Merchandise Superstore • YouTube Channel

Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine | 1 Comment »

Riddle-me-ree, it’s EPISODE 3

January 18, 2007

This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p, through a secure PayPal server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)

Howdy, friends and associates of Answer Me This!

We are very excited to present Answer Me This! Episode III for the delectation of your beautiful little ears. We do hope you like it. Those of you who thought this thing was a trilogy, prepare to be disappointed: there’s plenty more where that came from. Oh yes.

Subjects keeping us busy this week include:
charity muggers
albumen (structural integrity of)
poaching
boobs
narcolepsy
Christmas pudding (universal unpopularity of)
Gladiators
flying maverick mice
embarrassing misunderstandings
and
syphilis.

So, much the same as Prime Minister’s Question Time.

Many thanks to this week’s questioneers, David Goo, Kins, Hugo, Ali, Nadia and Holly. And if YOU want to join their illustrious ranks, send your questions – from the sublime to the ridiculous – to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.

Furthermore, if you want to win Olly’s unwanted Sainsbury’s Basics Christmas Pudding (cash value £0), answer us this: how can we get that picture of a horse wearing flippers off our iTunes page?

Until next week, when we’ll be taking more swings at the Questions ball with our Answers bat: bye!

Helen and Olly

Subscribe with iTunes • Listen to previous episodes • Question Archive
FAQ • Facebook Fanclub • Merchandise Superstore • YouTube Channel

Posted in PODCASTS | Leave a Comment »

Answer Me This a bit late: Alicky’s salty question

January 17, 2007

* To listen to episode 2 of Answer Me This!, click here*

Inquisitive listener Alicky, undaunted by the tangled mess Olly made of her name in Episode 2, asks us this:

Helen and Olly, Answer Me This: what is the precise difference between saline and brine?

Alicky, I do hope this is nothing to do with your habit of disembowelling your suitors and measuring the stretchiness of their intestines. Are you pickling them in brine for posterity? I thought we’d already made it clear that Answer Me This! cannot aid and abet such ghoulish behaviour.

(But if we were to pickle a man’s stolen intestines, we would probably opt for vinegar.)

Here comes the semantics bit. Concentrate!

saline (noun) = 1. a metallic salt, containing magnesium, potassium or sodium, used in medicine as a cathartic; 2. salty water.

Whereas:

brine (noun) = 1. water containing a large amount of salt; 2. sea-water; 3. salty pickling fluid; 4. any saline solution.

So I suppose you could say that saline is brine’s mothership.

Hey, come back – there’s more! ‘Brine’ as a verb means to pickle in brine (Alicky, put that pile of guts DOWN).

But the plot thickens if you look at ‘saline’ as an adjective, because in this form it can mean each of these things:
1. of, containing, or resembling table salt;
2. of or pertaining to a chemical salt, especially of sodium, potassium and magnesium, as used as a cathartic.

Confusing these two could ruin your breakfast.

And that’s not the end of the confusion, I’m afraid. For the third adjectival sense of saline is: ‘of or pertaining to a method of abortion involving injection of hypertonic saline solution into the amniotic cavity during the second trimester.’

Now that really could ruin your breakfast.
Subscribe with iTunes • Listen to previous episodes • Question Archive
FAQ • Facebook Fanclub • Merchandise Superstore • YouTube Channel

Posted in extracurricular questions | Leave a Comment »

What’s that coming over the hill? Oh, it’s only EPISODE 2

January 11, 2007

Good day to you, readers; and what more glorious day could there be than this, the day episode 2 of Answer Me This! is at last released to an adoring world?

(You needn’t answer that question. It’s rhetorical. There is, of course, no more glorious day!)

Hot topics covered in this week’s episode include:
fishy juice
sliced bread
intestines (stretchiness of)
etymology
breakfast
Continental breakfast (relative rubbishness of)
Bob Holness
French horns
Irish butchers
and
Jude Law (fictional urinary habits of).

Cor! Wow! Etc!! If you like the look of that, and you haven’t yet subscribed to Answer Me This! on iTunes, why not subscribe to Answer Me This! on iTunes? And if you don’t like it, leave us some constructive criticism in the comments section, otherwise we’ll never get better.

Many thanks to this week’s questioneers, Clare, Amy, Brendy, Alistair, Alicky and Hugo; we hope we have vanquished your queries. Furthermore, we offer a big enthusiastic ‘congratulations!’ to Nadia for her winning answer to last week’s Audience Question. Unfortunately she doesn’t win a big cash prize, but she has earnt our respect. If you want to win some of that for yourself, apply your wits to this week’s question in the post below.

We’re back with another dose of Answer Me This! next week. Remember, if YOU have a question for us, please send it to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.

Love,
Helen and Olly
Subscribe with iTunes • Listen to previous episodes • Question Archive
FAQ • Facebook Fanclub • Merchandise Superstore • YouTube Channel

Posted in PODCASTS | 1 Comment »

ANSWER THIS, LISTENERS!

January 10, 2007

We hope you are having plenty of fun listening to Answer Me This!, and for this week’s audience question we are keen to find out what is the oddest place in which you’ve listened to it.

We realise that, given the fledgling nature of Answer Me This!, this is quite a test. However we know you to be an ingenious bunch, and look forward to you revealing the true extent of your deviant podcast-listening habits.

Please leave your answers in the Comments section, and remember: you stand to win THE RESPECT OF YOUR PEERS.

Subscribe with iTunes • Listen to previous episodes • Question Archive
FAQ • Facebook Fanclub • Merchandise Superstore • YouTube Channel

Posted in User-generated answers | Leave a Comment »

Answer Me This a bit late: Nadia’s question

January 5, 2007

* Click here for the latest edition of our podcast *

Because time flies when we’re gasbagging on our podcast, not all the questions we are sent get answered. So in a bid to redress this tricksy situation, let’s have a tardy look at this question from Nadia:

Helen and Olly, answer me this: how can I possibly afford to do an Edinburgh show?
Now, it’s a shame Olly’s not here right now, because last year he actually succeeded in not being financially crippled by his Edinburgh show, a feat matched by few. What the heck is his secret?

I, however, was not similarly fortunate, as just acting in an Edinburgh play managed to net me -£1200, and I am still sour about it 5 1/2 years later. That’s right, Producer Russell! If I ever see you again, you’d better have a cheque ready.

Anyway, Nadia. Have you considered persuading a company to give you some cash in exchange for product placement, such as seems to be proliferating in music videos lately? I don’t know whether making numerous phone calls on a mobile phone/taking pictures of your friends on a mobile phone/conspicuous demonstration of the particular features of a mobile phone figure highly in the dramatic arc of your proposed show, but perhaps you could find a way to fit them in.

Failing that, try the Free Fringe. Or put the show on in the street.
Subscribe with iTunes • Listen to previous episodes • Question Archive
FAQ • Facebook Fanclub • Merchandise Superstore • YouTube Channel

Posted in extracurricular questions | Leave a Comment »