Helen Zaltzman

Author Archive

Pudding News!

March 7, 2007

* click HERE to listen to EPISODE 8 *

After only a couple of days on ebay, our Sainsbury’s Basics Christmas Pudding has already attracted an incredible FOURTEEN BIDS! Thankyou ever so much to everyone who has put in bids already; and everyone else, get bidding. All proceeds of the auction (including the £2 postage fee) go to Comic Relief, and if helping out disadvantaged people in Africa and the UK wasn’t enough to lure out your altruistic monies, you of course get 454g of Christmas pudding all of your very own.

Which, according to some rogue factions, would make it a win-win situation. We’ve had an email from listener Dave, mounting a strident defence of the pudding:

I was mildly disgruntled to hear your bashing of Christmas pudding. I love Christmas Pudding and would argue that Christmas Cake is the real villain. It has disgusting layers of marzipan and icing on top of what is essentially a very dry, cake-shaped, Christmas Pudding. Is Helen aware that Christmas Pudding can be fried as an excellent Boxing Day breakfast?

I was not aware of that; when confronted with a foodstuff that manages to render innocent fruit heavier than lead, my natural instinct is not to fry it. Or eat it for breakfast and condemning myself to a Boxing Day spent having a lie-down, clutching my heart. But, whilst the Zaltzman pudding remnants moulder away unloved and unfried, my brother can habitually be found chomping on Christmas CAKE as his Boxing Day breakfast. Perhaps he and Dave can settle which is the true villain of Christmas with a festive gut-barging contest?

However, I concur with Dave’s point that Christmas Pudding and Christmas Cake are natural enemies; and let’s not forget the Scrappy Doo of sweet Christmas stomach-busters, the mince pie. All three are cut from the same cloth: fruit, sugar, flour and extreme stodginess. And yet, on the day of the year when you’re least likely to suffer hunger pangs, all three awake from their 364-day-long hibernation (because the last person to eat a mince pie in June was sent to the Priory) and mount a three-pronged endurance test for the digestive system. It’s baffling. But perhaps it’s just what Jesus wanted for his birthday.

Anyway, sorry, Dave, to have caused you disgruntlement. Rest assured: as far as I’m concerned, Christmas Pudding AND Christmas Cake can go fuck themselves.

Except for when they’re being used to raise money for good causes, people! Bid like the clappers in our charity auction! Hey, maybe Christmas Pudding will be rehabilitated as a fashionable spring/summer snack, and I’ll look even stupider than I do on the average day.

Subscribe with iTunes • Listen to previous episodes • Question Archive
FAQ • Facebook Fanclub • Merchandise Superstore • YouTube Channel

Posted in News | Leave a Comment »

EPISODE 8: it’s grrrrrrrrrrreat!

March 1, 2007

This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p, through a secure PayPal server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)

Hello there! It’s a pleasure to see you again. Can we interest you in a bit of Episode 8 of Answer Me This!, perchance?

The WALL-TO-WALL FUN includes:

a business proposal for youreallysmell.com
Olly’s Renault fantasy
Martin’s Spice Girls fantasy
Funfair! Funfair!
Angels by Robbie Williams
Nickelback (unredeeming appallingness of)
stupid pointless phrases
evolution (not the 2001 David Duchovny film)
and
Sky News.

Also: Olly outs himself as a pescocidal maniac, Helen gets a bit Lynne Truss before readying herself to fleece the benefits system big-style, and Martin the Sound Man reveals his true musical colours.

But it’s not all fun and games at Answer Me This!, even though it’s still mostly fun and games. Helen and Olly have gone all altruistic, and are selflessly flogging Olly’s unwanted Christmas Pudding from Episode 3 on eBay for Comic Relief. If you fancy a chance of buying a delicious* Christmas pudding in March, and simultaneously Doing Some Good for the world, get bidding!
*actual pudding may not, technically, be delicious.

Many thanks to this week’s questioneers, Charlie, Nicola, Sam, Doug, Steve and Olly’s mum. If you want a piece of the question-asking, then send YOUR questions to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.

Until next week, when we’ll be dropping the Answer Me This! Lent Food Special like it’s hot, bye!

Helen and Olly
Subscribe with iTunes • Listen to previous episodes • Question Archive
FAQ • Facebook Fanclub • Merchandise Superstore • YouTube Channel

Posted in PODCASTS | Leave a Comment »

Answer Me Late: Dictionaries for Colin

February 28, 2007

* Click here to listen to EPISODE 7 *

Sharp-eared listeners will have intuited that I, Helen Zaltzman, am quite fond of a dictionary. It’s true, it’s true; in fact a quick sweep of my bookshelves revealed more than thirty dictionaries of various kinds, plus a couple of dozen other books which are basically dictionaries only don’t have the word ‘dictionary’ in the title (such as the most amusingly titled book in my collection, 7000 Words Often Mispronounced. Why the hell is that out of print nowadays, eh?).

So no wonder listener Colin hied directly to Answer Me This! with this query:

How big a dictionary should I have at home to convince visitors that I’m quite intelligent?

It’s not as straightforward as ‘As big as a family-sized box of Rice Krispies’. No matter the size, a picture dictionary or Roger’s Profanisaurus won’t impress your intelligence upon very many people. On the other hand, if you spend your pin money on all twenty volumes of the complete Oxford English Dictionary, they might think you’re trying too hard; and, for the money and the amount of space it would take up in your house, you might have better results if you invest in a baby elephant. Concise dictionaries are for fence-sitters. And strewing around a few clever-looking lexicons of tricky foreign languages is just asking for trouble, of the “Hey Colin, tell us some of those Finnish epigrams you know!” type.

So, as a happy compromise, I suggest you get a Compact Oxford English Dictionary. It is sufficiently hefty to make a fine doorstop or bedside table, but won’t require you to reinforce your bookshelf-bearing walls; its one or two volumes contain the ENTIRE 20-volume Oxford English Dictionary in miniaturised form; and, coolest of all, it has a little drawer containing a magnifying glass. You can get them in second-hand shops for about £20, which is a very good price, Colin, for making your visitors think you are way intelligent, and a little bit of a lovable eccentric to boot. Accessorise with corduroy elbow-patches, and they’ll be asking you to present Open University documentaries within the twelvemonth.

If you want to wow your visitors even more, and you’ve run out of Bombay Mix, you would do well to also get an etymological dictionary. It’s not got anything as fun as its own magnifying glass, but it will prove handy during those late night conversations of the “But why do they call them lemons?” ilk.

Now if you’ll please excuse me, I must go and write another letter to Countdown, asking if I can go on Dictionary Corner if Susie Dent were to meet with a mysterious accident.

Subscribe with iTunes • Listen to previous episodes • Question Archive
FAQ • Facebook Fanclub • Merchandise Superstore • YouTube Channel

Posted in extracurricular questions | 2 Comments »

What do you mean, porridge gives you a rash?

February 23, 2007

* Click here to listen to EPISODE 7 *

It’s time for another audience question!

Jamie Madge’s question in episode 7, “Why do you get a runny nose when eating spicy food?”, was certainly thought-provoking. It caused shrinking violet Olly to reveal on air that, while his nose remains continent during spicy meals, he is a member of the My Poo Turns Blue When I Eat Beetroot club; this seems to be quite a mainstream condition, but later he shyly muttered that he also gets very sneezy when he eats pear-drops. Martin the Sound Man has also outed himself as someone who sneezes when he eats strong mints. And Helen gets faint when she ingests monosodium glutamate.

So we thought it would be jolly interesting to ask you:

Have you got a weird physical reaction to eating or drinking a product?

Not the common or garden ones like getting the runs from a vindaloo or becoming hyperactive after too many Chupa Chups; or anything scary and serious like “I need an adrenaline shot to the heart when I eat nuts” or “My brain goes bendy when I eat naughty mushrooms”: we want to hear from you if, say, gravy gives you a squint or Scotch eggs make your hands turn magenta.

So please reveal your digestive anomalies by leaving us a comment on this site, or if that seems a bit steep then drop us an email at answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.

Subscribe with iTunes • Listen to previous episodes • Question Archive
FAQ • Facebook Fanclub • Merchandise Superstore • YouTube Channel

Posted in sneezing, User-generated answers | 8 Comments »

Bow down before EPISODE 7

February 22, 2007

Good morrow, listeners! How are you? We’re fine, thanks for asking.

Pleasantries over: let’s get down to business. Episode 7 of Answer Me This! has hit Ear-Town, and we’d be delighted if you would listen to it.

So please check it out, and in doing so expect to be rewarded with the following entertainment tidbits:
Dreams – The Bed Superstore
Belinda Carlisle
Alexander technique
Ribranda (Who? What??)
sweaty schoolboys
urinal cake
and
beetrooty bowels

Marvel! at Olly’s pillow folly. Gasp! at Helen’s slightly turgid book-learning. Swoon! at Martin the Sound Man’s chitchat about tear gas. Yup, all of human life is here. It’s quite the mixed bag.

There’s also a doozy of an audience question. Check it out here, and get your thinking cap on.

Now, even though you’re all fastidiously avoiding pleasurable activities for Lent, there’s no need to deny yourselves the furtive delight of posing us questions. So give us a treat by emailing your many queries to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. And if you’re a bit bored at work, why not become our Imaginary Friend on MySpace? Then, if we ever have an Imaginary Tea-Party, you can come!

Love,

Helen and Olly
Subscribe with iTunes • Listen to previous episodes • Question Archive
FAQ • Facebook Fanclub • Merchandise Superstore • YouTube Channel

Posted in PODCASTS | Leave a Comment »

Olly’s sneeze affliction

February 22, 2007

* Click here to listen to Episode 6 *

In Episode 6 of Answer Me This!, Olly sensationally revealed that his sneezes reek beyond the limits of human endurance. Despite being in the business of answering questions, we failed to discover a reason for this stinkiness, and a week on, the mystery continues.

However, though a cure remains frustratingly elusive, we were overjoyed to discover Olly ‘Freaknostrils’ Mann is not alone, when the following email from listener Geri leapt into our inbox this morning:

Not a question, more of a plea…

I heard Olly confess that his sneezes smell terrible on a recent
show and I suffer from this too. My husband even rolls the window
down when I sneeze in the car. He calls it my death sneeze ‘cos it
literally smells of death!

Please please please Olly, i look to you to find the cause of our
affliction.

You are not alone.

Geri *achhhooooo*

Wow! So even dainty ladylike sneezes can smell like a llama’s toilet!

But how many smelly-sneezers are still in the (pongy) closet? Show yourselves, and Answer Me This! will provide haven for you. Together we can beat this thing, people! Although we’ll not take you all on a picnic in hayfever season.

Subscribe with iTunes • Listen to previous episodes • Question Archive
FAQ • Facebook Fanclub • Merchandise Superstore • YouTube Channel

Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine, sneezing | 112 Comments »

Humble Pie II

February 20, 2007

* Click here for Episode 6 of Answer Me This! *

The guilt is running high at Answer Me This!, and not just because Helen and Olly are both Jews. Following last week’s hoo-ha, when Helen was Mrs Glib about the health of listener Nick and her own father in Episode 5, did we keep our big, flapping mouths in check in Episode 6?

No, we did not.

Listener Paul, hearing that the Answer Me This! question coffers needed replenishing, was kind enough to send us a big list of very good questions. We are genuinely thrilled when we receive questions from our listeners, and when someone sends us several at once, it feels like Christmas.

So how did we repay Paul in Episode 6? With teasing, fun-poking and general meanness! Instead of appropriately reading Paul’s question “Why do all girls hate me?” as a query as to why, thus far, his romances have foundered, and offering useful advice for love-finding, we chose to interpret it as indicating Paul to be a doubly incontinent neocon with a subscription to Nuts magazine and a diet of raw kitten. We then asked women who hate Paul to get in touch with us and tell us why. As it turns out, no such correspondence was forthcoming: independent sources have confirmed to us that Paul is, in fact, a fine young man and furthermore a fair hit with the ladies.

So with all the sincerity we can muster from our withered little hearts, we say: Sorry, Paul. And sorry, listeners. We promise to try to comport ourselves better in future.

And if you’re still game to do so, email us questions: answermethispodcast@googlemail.com

Subscribe with iTunes • Listen to previous episodes • Question Archive
FAQ • Facebook Fanclub • Merchandise Superstore • YouTube Channel

Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine, contrition | Leave a Comment »

EPISODE 6. Yeah, you heard!

February 16, 2007

Hello, pals!

What time is it? Episode 6 of Answer Me This! time, that’s what! We want to penetrate your beautiful ears. Let us in!

‘Issues’ attracting our attention in this week’s episode include:
late night dating shows involving swimming pools
Alton Towers vs. Thorpe Park
knitting (difficultness of)
pet death
Olly’s stinky nose
Garageband
Eriq La Salle
and
Letchworth.

Plus to those of you who stick thorough to the end, a long-awaited discussion on the strange dynamic existing between Helen, Olly and Martin The Sound Man as they sit on a big bed and talk into a big phallic object whilst looking into each other’s eyes. Controversial!

We hope, as the Killers say, you enjoy your stay.

Helen and Olly

P.S. Keep emailing your questions to us at answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. You’ll feel a weight off your mind!
Subscribe with iTunes • Listen to previous episodes • Question Archive
FAQ • Facebook Fanclub • Merchandise Superstore • YouTube Channel

Posted in PODCASTS | 2 Comments »

Helen’s advice: a retraction

February 14, 2007

* Click here for Episode 5 of Answer Me This! *

Despite it being merely a few days old, I already have cause to regret some of the advice I gave in Episode 5.

When trusting listener Nick wrote in asking how to avoid the common cold, I suggested he simply do whatever my dad does, as in my whole life I have never known my dad to have a cold (despite him insisting on keeping our house at a temperature low enough to freeze our breath on the inside of the windows).

However I am now mired in guilt for taking Mr Zaltzman’s iron constitution for granted, as apparently he is currently laid up in codeine-fogged agony with a torn hip ligament. I know that an injury sustained while moving a massively overladen coal scuttle isn’t the same lapse in form as him succumbing to a cold, but I still feel a dereliction of responsibility.

Sorry, Dad. Sorry, Nick.

Subscribe with iTunes • Listen to previous episodes • Question Archive
FAQ • Facebook Fanclub • Merchandise Superstore • YouTube Channel

Posted in contrition | Leave a Comment »

Martin the Sound Man: LIVE!!!

February 12, 2007

* Click here for Episode 5 of Answer Me This! *

To most of you, Martin the Sound Man is nothing but a distant booming voice, interjecting when things get A Bit Much on Answer Me This.

Well, he’s all that and MORE! He’s the frontman of a band called The Ladies, and as such is playing a gig on Valentine’s Day at the Slaughtered Lamb in Clerkenwell, which is here. Why not go and check out his troubadour stylings? The Sunday Times certainly thinks you should!

He’s on at 8.30, so there’ll be plenty of time afterwards to whisk your Valentine off to share a combo platter for two at the nearest Harvester. And if you’re single, you could cop off with another Ladies fan. They are a good-looking bunch. If that is not inducement enough, Martin’s also giving away one-off free CDs, and what is more, the Slaughtered Lamb does very nice fish finger sandwiches.

Subscribe with iTunes • Listen to previous episodes • Question Archive
FAQ • Facebook Fanclub • Merchandise Superstore • YouTube Channel

Posted in News | 1 Comment »

Cuddle up to EPISODE 5

February 8, 2007

Good day to you, friends!

You and us, we’ve been getting on so well that we wanted to send you all an early Valentine’s card and a heart-shaped box of Ferrero Rocher. Unfortunately we ran out of stamps, and Martin the Sound Man ate all the Ferrero Rocher – so instead we offer you the fifth episode of Answer Me This! as a love-token.

And if you haven’t subscribed to us on iTunes yet, why the devil not? That way, you’ll hear our new episodes as and when they’re published, perhaps one whole day in advance of your friends. That’s sure to serve you well in the playground.

Matters attracting our amorous attentions this week include:
yeast of the head
yeast infections
yeast extract
Rupert Grint (artistic progress of)
Olly’s toiletries
birthday card etiquette
Chloe off 24
whiffy dollars
and
Martin the Sound Man at C&A.

And if that doesn’t get you in the mood for some commercially-orchestrated lurrve, then you are probably ill.

Thanks ever so much to everyone who sent questions in; apologies to those whose queries have gone unanswered, and well done to Kins, Miranda, Nick, Katie, Ken Mustard and Eloise, who made the cut this week. If YOU have a question to add to the canon, please for God’s sake email it NOW to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com (and by the way, if you want to be added to our email list, just send us an email titled ‘Helen and Olly, please send me your occasional pithy missives’).

By the by, we notice not a single one of you has even attempted to win Olly’s Christmas pudding. Come on, people! It’s the perfect Valentine’s present! (if your true love is a bit of a dolt)

Until episode 6, bye!

Helen and Olly
Subscribe with iTunes • Listen to previous episodes • Question Archive
FAQ • Facebook Fanclub • Merchandise Superstore • YouTube Channel

Posted in PODCASTS | Leave a Comment »

Look at me! I’m EPISODE 4!

January 30, 2007

Hello, chaps!

At long last, the breathless wait for episode 4 is OVER. Despite its long wait on the bench, Episode 4’s beauty is undimmed. This week’s musings, hotter than a McDonald’s apple pie in August, include:

aunties
lavatory seats (feng shui influence of)
stabilisers
restaurants (evil financial vagaries of)
love-teeth
Plato (Apology)
drowsy fishermen
the Answer Me This! backlash
and
lemons.

There’s also a fair amount of self-indulgent basking in the glory of Answer Me This! achieving no.63 in the iTunes Top 100 comedy downloads. So, if you have grown fond of Answer Me This!, please urge all your friends to check it out as well and maybe we can crack the iTunes top 50. And if you haven’t, why on earth are you reading this? You’re only hurting yourself.

If you would like to join the ranks of this week’s questioneers – Ben, Olly’s dad, Holly, Tommy, Bianca and Polly – email your dilemmas, fact-niggles and bamboozlements to answermethispodcast.com. Also, nobody so far has put in any bids to win Olly’s Christmas Pudding (which pretty much ties up his question in episode 3 about whether anyone actually likes Christmas Pudding), so if for some bizarre reason you think you would like it for your pudding-coffers, send us an email entitled ‘Please send me Olly’s pudding, to feed my demented pudding-lusts’.

Until next time, bye!

Helen and Olly
Subscribe with iTunes • Listen to previous episodes • Question Archive
FAQ • Facebook Fanclub • Merchandise Superstore • YouTube Channel

Posted in PODCASTS | Leave a Comment »