‘Two wrongs don’t make a right’ is the moral of today’s parable from Pete from Essex:
The other day when I came home late, I walked into the bathroom to brush my teeth, but to my despair, I walked in on my brother’s slutty fuck buddy brushing her teeth…WITH MY TOOTHBRUSH!!!
Instantly I asked her what she was doing, she replied saying, “Your brother said I could use this brush.” I wasn’t best pleased but didn’t make a fuss of it; needless to say, I had to go to bed with stinky breath and waited till the morning to go and get a new toothbrush to brush my teeth.
The next day I came home at about the same time, only to discover the bitch in the bathroom once again, using the very toothbrush that I had bought the day before… I was fuming… Again I said to her, “What the hell do you think you’re doing!?” and she replied again saying, “It was a new toothbrush and your brother said I could use it…” I said “Yes! It was a new toothbrush to replace the one you used yesterday!!” For the second night in a row I had to go to bed with stinky breath. Extremely annoyed, I had to bite my tongue.
The next day, I woke up and went to the bathroom to relieve myself but I noticed my brother’s toothbrush in the corner of the room in the little pot and thought to myself, what can I do to get my own back? I thought about sticking it up my arse, but had second thoughts as it might hurt and I’m not so keen on the idea of having something up my arse.
As it was the morning, I had a raging hard on, so I whacked one out and flumped on his toothbrush. Answer me this, was I too harsh doing this? And if so, what would you do to get your own back?
I’m currently only three episodes in to series one of Revenge, so I don’t think I’ve got to the bit where Emily/Amanda lets the complex businessy schemes slide in favour of this more playground-style retaliation. I’m definitely looking forward to her pissing in Madeleine Stowe’s milkbottles, though!
Now, even if I had had the physical capacity to ejaculate upon my brother’s toothbrush, I would not have done so, for manifold reasons:
1. I am well zen, innit.
2. a) It was not your brother who was wrongly using your toothbrush, it was his ladyfriend; b) you have no proof that your brother did sanction her usage, for her statement at the point of apprehension is not reliable evidence.
3. The idea of your own sibling INGESTING YOUR SEMINAL FLUID is too awful to contemplate (even if this doesn’t happen).
While I agree this lady’s actions are presumptuous and horrifying hygienewise, I don’t think they warrant an act of vengeance – YET. I would have slapped a name label on my own toothbrush, and splashed out the £2 on buying an extra toothbrush for your brother’s sexual partner, so she had no excuse for sticking yours in her mouth.
However, I invite you readers to suggest your own courses for revenge in the comments, in case this spree of toothbrush promiscuity continues.
Batten down the hatches, Team AMT; today Planet Earth is being lashed by the most violent solar storm in years. Unlike the usual sort of storm, it won’t knock the flowerpots off the windowsill or ruin your laundry on the line, but it MIGHT interfere with communications systems, including the internet. So hurry hurry hurry to download Answer Me This! Episode 208, then listen to it whilst you board up your windows and dust off your emergency canned foods:
This week we consider:
mermaid menstruation
ladybird literature
the Cranberries’ comeback
partying at Heathrow Airport
the Earl of Sandwich and the Earl of Sandwich
joint bank accounts The Wizard of Oz vs. Return to Oz
Muppets vs. puppets
Soo vs. Anne Robinson
Catholics vs. farmers
grease-free cribbage
Tik-Tok (the character, NOT the K€sha song)
toothpaste
kitsch
Big Bird busybody
and
ET’s hands.
Plus: Olly would like the USA to know that burgers≠sandwiches; Helen’s unlikely to be going on a dirty weekend to Blackpool, and not just because when the wife’s away, Martin the Sound Man will play. With toilet paper.
This week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices or Android) concerns Olly’s gorgeous teeth, both real and artificial. You’d never guess which are which!
Give all of us something to chew on by sending in your QUESTIONS: email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave a voicemail on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or Skype answermethis). Chomp chomp chomp.
As promised, we’re back from our little break – Olly at the Wizarding World of Harry Potter, Helen at the Wizarding World of her own living room – and without further ado, it’s time for Answer Me This! Episode 151:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
Rusty from our hiatus, we try to remember what that ‘conversation’ thingy is that we used to do, and harness the following subjects in the hopes that they’ll cumulatively become one:
dental floss sticks
inflated pig bladders
Mark Lawson
sexy Humpty Dumpty
minstrels Porn: The Musical vs. Les Mis
truth vs. not lies Tycoon with Peter Jones Terri Hall (not to be confused with Terry Hall) the Spitting Image Chicken Song
unequal phone relationships
crows
Stewart Lee
Paul Daniels
stoned assassins
the sack of Troy
the Hogwarts Express conductor
invisible dog leads
and
Brian Krakow.
Plus: Olly finally understands why he’s booked in for so many appointments at the GUM clinic; Helen wants praise for her more obscure career avenues, thanks; and Martin the Sound Man wants to see a bit more of Ian Holm. Quite a lot more, in fact. But if he can’t get Holm’s pants off, Caitlin Moran’s would be a welcome consolation prize.
This week’s bonus bit on the app is a question from Catherine about why a kitty is called a kitty. As in a financial kitty, not a cute wickle cat, though just the linguistic similarity is enough for Olly in his now inevitable slide into becoming one of these.
We crave your QUESTIONS for the new series, so deliver them to us in the form of a voice mail left on the Question Line 0208 123 5877 or Skype IDanswermethis; alternatively you can deliver them emailwise to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. And, as we announced on today’s show: everyone who gets their question into an episode this month wins a copy of the Answer Me This! book! Yes, we’ve bloody well written a book. It comes out on 4th November. You can read a sample of it here where there are also links for pre-ordering it, if you are inclined to be an early adopter.
See you next week,
Helen and Olly
PS Here’s a family-friendly(ish) clip of Alice in Wonderland – An X-Rated Musical Fantasy. If you can make it past the actors speaking in rhyming couplets to anything even faintly stimulating, we salute you.
Forgive us, but we’re all tired out at the end of this series of Answer Me This! – it’s been our longest one so far! And while we’re off on our anecdote-gathering trips in February, we want you to do a little something for us. Something fun and exciting. Find out what in Episode 124:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
On the agenda today are:
the cockblocking face of Gareth Gates True Blood
SOHCAHTOA Fatal Attraction
cuddling vs. cortisol
Mitchell’n’Webb
nudie pics
mad actors The Reader
the sexy Saw ride
and
Aslan.
Plus: Olly takes umbrage with ancient Canadian traditions; Helen totally fails the 1990s Culture module at the University of Life; and Martin the Sound Man doesn’t want to see any of those nasty films with boffing in them, OK? So stop sending him copies of Nine Songs in the post!
Now, it’s with great solemnity that we bid adieu to you until 4th March – but make sure we come back with a bang by supplying us with YOUR QUESTIONS, via answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, Skype IDanswermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877. We look forward to hearing from you, and hopefully you will look forward to hearing from us. You might also be looking forward to hearing a free Audible audiobook, which you can get HERE. That should obliterate a few hours of silence while we’re off air, no?
Please treat yourselves nicely during February, and we’ll see you right back here before you know it!
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