4 out of 5 dentists recommend it

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‘Two wrongs don’t make a right’ is the moral of today’s parable from Pete from Essex:

The other day when I came home late, I walked into the bathroom to brush my teeth, but to my despair, I walked in on my brother’s slutty fuck buddy brushing her teeth…WITH MY TOOTHBRUSH!!!

Instantly I asked her what she was doing, she replied saying, “Your brother said I could use this brush.” I wasn’t best pleased but didn’t make a fuss of it; needless to say, I had to go to bed with stinky breath and waited till the morning to go and get a new toothbrush to brush my teeth.

The next day I came home at about the same time, only to discover the bitch in the bathroom once again, using the very toothbrush that I had bought the day before… I was fuming… Again I said to her, “What the hell do you think you’re doing!?” and she replied again saying, “It was a new toothbrush and your brother said I could use it…” I said “Yes! It was a new toothbrush to replace the one you used yesterday!!” For the second night in a row I had to go to bed with stinky breath. Extremely annoyed, I had to bite my tongue.

The next day, I woke up and went to the bathroom to relieve myself but I noticed my brother’s toothbrush in the corner of the room in the little pot and thought to myself, what can I do to get my own back? I thought about sticking it up my arse, but had second thoughts as it might hurt and I’m not so keen on the idea of having something up my arse.

As it was the morning, I had a raging hard on, so I whacked one out and flumped on his toothbrush. Answer me this, was I too harsh doing this? And if so, what would you do to get your own back?

I’m currently only three episodes in to series one of Revenge, so I don’t think I’ve got to the bit where Emily/Amanda lets the complex businessy schemes slide in favour of this more playground-style retaliation. I’m definitely looking forward to her pissing in Madeleine Stowe’s milkbottles, though!

Now, even if I had had the physical capacity to ejaculate upon my brother’s toothbrush, I would not have done so, for manifold reasons:
1. I am well zen, innit.
2. a) It was not your brother who was wrongly using your toothbrush, it was his ladyfriend; b) you have no proof that your brother did sanction her usage, for her statement at the point of apprehension is not reliable evidence.
3. The idea of your own sibling INGESTING YOUR SEMINAL FLUID is too awful to contemplate (even if this doesn’t happen).

While I agree this lady’s actions are presumptuous and horrifying hygienewise, I don’t think they warrant an act of vengeance – YET. I would have slapped a name label on my own toothbrush, and splashed out the £2 on buying an extra toothbrush for your brother’s sexual partner, so she had no excuse for sticking yours in her mouth.

However, I invite you readers to suggest your own courses for revenge in the comments, in case this spree of toothbrush promiscuity continues.

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5 Responses to “4 out of 5 dentists recommend it”

  1. Ash Says:

    I really don’t understand the problem. So what if someone used your toothbrush? You snog people (I presume), which probably gets the same amount/sort of germs all over your mouth. It’s *certainly* not as gross as brushing your teeth with a toothbrush that has your blood relative’s spunk on it. UGH. You’ve completely lost the moral high ground, Pete from Essex.

  2. Martin Says:

    Why on earth didn’t he just put his toothbrush in his bedroom so that she couldn’t use it?

    Anyway, some dreadful logic leads me to conclude that in fact the right action is to persuade her that she owes him a blowy since she keeps cleaning her mouth with his toothbrush. After all, he has spent £2 on a toothbrush for her. Also, it’s better to get something positive back for that than just the negativity of petty revenge. Plus, she sounds dumb enough to go for it.

  3. KC Says:

    I concede that I read this post of my own free will, but I must say that this does not improve the taste of the vomit summoned by this vile, loathsome and nauseating action. However, if you left the, um, “substance” in evidence on the brush head (and your brother has a gram of sense) it probably never made it into his mouth. Biologically, it may not even be intensively unhygienic (no more than leaving the seat up and flushing the toilet with the brushes in close proximity) however I suspect that my own viscerally repugnant reaction makes this overkill. Perhaps peeing on it would have been a more proportional sentence, but inserting it into your own arse? Too far.

  4. Davey Says:

    Do people really feel the need to buy a brand new toothbrush if someone else uses the current one? Maybe I’m just a bit laissez-faire with my dental hygeine but a quick swill under the tap would have placated me.

  5. Craig Says:

    my cousin did actually do the dirty and insert a toothbrush up his arse. It belonged to the boyfriend of a girl he was crazy about and kind of seeing on the side. He decided to do it after finding out he had been knocking her about. Pictures were apparently taken for future use to inform him if he felt the need. We still laugh at the thought of the twat brushing actual poo into his gums!!

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