My friend (who shall remain nameless to protect their shame) organised for herself two internet dates this week. Now I know I could never go on said dates myself because, as with most literate middle-class men, I am completely socially-inept and cannot say that I have had a ‘boyfriend’ for more than a single evening. She was adamant that the first date would go badly and it did, but was much more optimistic about the second…which also went badly.
My questions are therefore so: firstly, surely you cannot go into these sort of dates with a negative attitude because then you know you will never get anywhere with them, will you? And secondly, have you ever tried it yourselves? I said earlier that I would never go on one myself but then, as I also said earlier, I don’t have much luck with the boys. So, finally, I guess, should I suck it up and give it a go?
So many questions! As we’ve all been off the market since before the internet was invented, readers, please go to the comments to tell us your liveliest internet dating stories, which will probably help David decide one way or another.
Just the other day I was making a sandwich and I found a shred of a glove. So answer me this: what is the weirdest thing you have found in food?
Half a chicken’s skull in a tomato stew was pretty weird. But not as much as a fragment of woollen mitten or rubber glove. Readers, go to the comments and tell us about the time you found a small plastic boat in your can of soup.
Here’s quite a silly question from Joe in Edinburgh:
Answer me this: why the fuck doesn’t the chemist Boots actually sell boots or other types of shoe?
What a very literal-minded man you are, Joe from Edinburgh. Boots is named after its founder, John Boot, not after its contents; nowadays, most shops don’t sell what their names suggest. Waterstones does not sell water or stones; New Look certainly does not purvey Dior’s New Look; and Paperchase would struggle to survive in today’s economic climate if all it sold were paper dolls of Angela Chase.
By your reasoning, Boots ought to be called ‘Medicine, makeup, skincare, contraceptives, pasta salad, and small electrical goods’; this unwieldy title would not only exhaust sign-writers, but furthermore would fail to distinguish Boots from its archrival Superdrug (which similarly seems not to sell super drugs, unless we’re just not using the right code words at the till).
Rejoice! We’ve at last reached not-especially-impressive-numerical-landmark-when-you-think-about-it Episode 150:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
And duly we celebrate this really-not-at-all-momentous occasion with such topics as:
Caddyshack Caddyshack II
Craig Phillips
Collins academic diaries
Adolf Hitler’s great-nephew
Gillian McKeith
Curiously Cinnamon
knickers full of coins
Paperchase medical supplies
doner kebabs = engineering feats
Postman Pat’s new job
floaters
Opal Fruits
canine panniers
boarding school trains
wretched funk
clockwise Usain Bolt Platform 9 3/4
and
the end of days.
Plus: Olly gives you the insider knowledge that guarantees to get you on telly; Helen does not want her Everyman’s Library books despoiled by cover illustrations; and Martin the Sound Man has a top tip for stingy people who wish to be kind to the sensitive skin of strippers. Tuck a copy of his album into their garter, that’ll make them happy! This week’s bonus bit on the app is a question from Simon from Wimbledon wondering why people say Inception is confusing. Because that’s what you’re supposed to say about it, durrr.
This is the last episode of the series, but we won’t be away for long: we’ll be returning with Episode 151 on 7th October, which gives you plenty time to get your bargainous audiobooks (and we will be superlatively grateful to you if you do) as well as send us QUESTIONS for the new series: ask them with your voice on 0208 123 5877 or Skype IDanswermethis, or with your written words by emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Because you’ve furnished us with far more questions than we can squeeze into the podcast this series, we’ll be tackling some of them here on the website during our break – and check back here anon if you’re curious about this world record attempt that we’re abetting on September 30th.
So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen and goodbye, until October 7th!
Is poverty the enemy of love? Let’s hope not, for Pete from Somerset‘s sake:
I’m 16, and next Monday is my 1st anniversary with my girlfriend. I figure that it is only my duty as a gentleman to buy her a present AND take her out for something special. But the fact is that I am 16, and therefore I have no pissing money. So, answer me this: how can I take my girlfriend out somewhere special, but still save money to buy her a gift?
Readers, go to the comments right away and give Pete some useful suggestions for romance on a budget. Now! Next Monday is not far away! But Pete, if they don’t come up with anything workable, then tell your girlfriend that you’ve forsworn your ‘duty as a gentleman’ as you felt it a relic from a more sexist age, and moreover, she should learn not to be such a filthy materialist. No doubt many more happy years together will follow.
I declare Ben from Italy to be a man with too many pencils:
In the last episode you were talking about Ikea pencils and it prompted a few questions as I have over 500 pencils myself:
1. Is it morally wrong to go to Ikea for the sole purpose of filling my pencil-case?
No. It’s not morally wrong; it’s unbelievably stupid. There are far more convenient places to get pencils than an out-of-town superstore, and moreover, one should never, NEVER go to Ikea unless one is in the direst need of furnishings.
2. After the checkout in Ikea there is a box where you put the pencils you’ve used. Do they then sharpen them and put them back? Surely that would mean that they were even shorter.
Now that I do not know. But surely there must be an Ikea employee amongst the AMT listenership: reader, if that is you, please tell us what happens to the little pencils that aren’t stolen by people like us. Do they find a good home, or are they ground down and reconstituted into Malm headboards?
Time for some raunch, thanks to John from Edinburgh:
I was just listening to podcast 148, and you discussed slug mating. I thought you might appreciate these links showing Leopard slugs having sex. It is one of the freakiest most amazing things you will ever see.
He’s right! Not to mention romantic. Skip forward to the 1min40 mark if you want to go straight to the hot slug-on-slug action with no flirtation beforehand:
If that’s got you in the mood for more X-rated mini-fauna, click here. You perv.
At last, the special guestisode featuring Ian Collins off TalkSPORT has arrived! In it we find out a great deal about the great man: his life in pencils, his close relationship with the Home Office, his special form of vigilante justice, and his position as the only man in the world who thinks Cheryl Cole is ‘a bit of a munter’.
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
In it, Ian talks to us about such matters as:
Cleethorpes
Morrissey Rugrats
Ikea pencils vs. Ikea meatballs
pub quiz machines vs. rightness
bubble vs. chewing in the battle of the gums
parliament vs. coconuts
Larry David
courtroom quizzes
the gravy and mini apple pies diet
Boots the Chemist Spitting Image‘s legal defence
Henry Frankenstein?
and
Wall’s sausage ice-cream
Plus: Olly has beef with the Wood Green branch of Harvester; Helen has beef with infantilised adults; and Ian has beef with PC Stamp from The Bill. Martin the Sound Man does not have beef with anyone this episode, but he will have beef with you if you don’t buy his album; so you’d better do that unless you want to feel his wrath.
This week’s slice of bonus fun on the app is a question from Daniel from Wakefield’s question about Darth Vader’s heavy breathing. He has more in common with Beverley Craven and Helen’s family dog than previously thought.
Now don’t be cross, but next week is the last episode of the series, so get your QUESTIONS in, quick! Leave a voice message on 0208 123 5877 or Skype IDanswermethis, or send an email to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Don’t worry, there’s plenty of stuff to listen to during our VERY BRIEF break, because of all the free or cheap-as-chips audiobooks which Audible.co.uk wish to bestow upon you – click here to get yours!
My fiancee and I have just moved to Leamington Spa. While the area is very nice and the people are lovely, there is very little to do as we have no friends (hence me writing this email)! This is compounded by the fact that we are very skint at the moment, having been fleeced by the removal company to move our stuff from Sheffield!
So answer me this: what can we do for free that is very very fun in Leamington Spa that would also make us some friends? (We are nice people!)
Who here knows how to make one’s way in Leamington Spa society? Go to the comments and help a man make some new buddies!
I was in a Gourmet Burger Kitchen today, and I noticed they were selling an imported drink with a small little factoid that stated, hilariously, ‘World famous in New Zealand.’
So, answer me this: what weird factoids have you seen appear on products, or at least stupid ones?
‘World famous’ on most food products, or especially on the awnings of cafes, does tend to be optimism triumphing over truth (although in a rather less harmful way than certain products like Activia yoghurt pretending to be health foods when they’re sugarier than Barbara Cartland’s tea table). Readers, share the most ridiculous products boasts you have seen!
Why can I not buy different-coloured tyres for my car? I can get coloured tyres for bicycles. I want fucking blue tyres on my car!!
I’m counting on your help to solve his query, because I can’t even remember the last time I bought any tyres. Actually I don’t think I’ve ever bought tyres. I don’t own a car, bike, trike, moped or wheelbarrow, so what the jigger would I need tyres for? Hanging one off a tree to swing about in? I don’t even have my own tree, so I’m entirely counted out of the tyre market. So go to the comments and tell the man how to spruce up his boring-coloured wheels.
Happy birthday to you, Leah from Somerset! We have no further message for you, unlike some other birthday well-wishers of your acquaintance:
Answer me this; what the fuck do you say to your best friend when he gives you a three-page letter telling you he loves you in your 17th birthday card?!
Thing is sometimes I like him, for example he has good music taste (Rolling Stones and Black Keys rather than this JLS rubbish) but sometimes he can also be an annoying twat who is usually 3 hours late.
Please help, I start college tomorrow and I can’t sleep because of this veritable bombshell.
Well we can’t have you turning up sleepy to college, so let’s not delay in considering a vital but unknown component of this equation: your feelings towards this fellow. If you actually like him In That Way, what’s to stop you going for it? Bar the fact that, judging by your email, you don’t even seem particularly fond of him as a friend, since the bedrock of your relationship is the fact that he cares not for JLS.
Readers, go to the comments and decide for Leah, will you? She needs to get back to class.
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