One question on last week’s episode struck a chord with Sam from Norfolk:
I am in almost exactly the same position as Matthew from the Wirral; I was with someone for 4 1/2 years, until she dumped me for another bloke in February of this year.
She was insistent that we stayed friends and so we gave it a go for a while. Although we have drifted apart over the last couple of months, I imagine that she may suggest meeting up, since we’ll both be at home for the festive period.
I am sorely tempted to ignore her to express my distaste for her actions but I don’t know if this is just acting childish and I should be able to be friends with her after 9 months.
I just wanted to show some solidarity with Matthew and perhaps gain some advice.
What more advice do you need, Sam, beyond Martin’s mum’s reverberating exhortation to “tell the drunken bitch where to go!”?
Unless you do feel genuinely friendly towards the infidel (and only friendly, with absolutely no traces of romantic yearning remaining), why bother? Meet up with some better friends over Christmas, ones who definitely didn’t want to be your friends just to assuage their guilt over ditching you for another chap.
Besides, all the successful ex-couples-who-are-now-friends of my acquaintance became so after a year or more of non-contact following the split; so if you really do want to be bezzie mates in the future, you’d do well this Christmas to barricade your door, screen your calls and do not listen to any Mud. Even though it is one of the best Christmas songs of all time.
Yeah! We’re celebrating big-style, because against all our expectations (and common sense), we bloody well made it to Answer Me This! Episode 200. As befits such a landmark, today’s podcast is a bumper edition, featuring some of our favourite people in the world. Hear:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
On the agenda of this special edition are subjects including:
World of Warcraft
bro code Toadie from Neighbours
glühwein
giant peppermills
Dean Martin: boob man
La Roux: lazy
Pamela Anderson the Beavis and Butthead reboot A Child Called It
AMTfans vs. puberty
paramedic studies vs. media studies
Lassie vs. Bagpuss
Olly’s junior business cards
Switzerland 4eva Armand Assante
Cadbury’s Chocolate Eclairs
Malibu’n’barbecue sauce The Three Musketeers panto
and
hot tubs.
Plus: Olly measures himself on the Frasier yardstick; Helen impeded her mother’s career (look, she never ASKED to be born, OK?); and at last we discover multitalented Martin the Sound Man’s weak spot – deficiency at Warhammer.
This week there’s an especially Big Bit of Crap on the App, wherein we learn: how to make a fake G&T; where dolls store their Christmas decorations; at what age you should not accept gifts of pants from your mother; what the hell DFS stands for; the benefits of child labour for a wedding reception; finding love at the kosher butcher’s; the perils of a brown rice diet; and seeing the PG Tips chimps live.
The app is available for iDevices or Android, but on this occasion, the Bonus Bit is available to all of you, smartphone or not; click here to download the MP3, or play this player:
There’s more! If you require some borderline-horrific visuals to accompany this episode, check out the Gallery of Munt.
We couldn’t have made it to 200 episodes without the affection and support of you listeners, so please give yourselves a pat on the back from us, especially if you are one of the legion who supplied us with QUESTIONS. If you aren’t, what are you waiting for? Send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave voicemails on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877, Skype answermethis).
We’ll be back next week with the Best of AMT2011, part 1,
One of the problems which arose in interviewing our Special Guests for AMT200 is that those people were witness to our most hideous, embarrassing, shameful years. Worse, they have visual evidence.
AMT198‘s debate continues over what exactly qualifies a combination of carbohydrate and filling to be called ‘pie’. Robert from Bedford:
According to my old cookery teacher when I was 9-11 years old, a pie has a wet/moist filling and a pastry has a dry/non-runny filling.
I continue to be unenlightened. David complicates matters still further:
Just listened to your latest missive, and thought I would chip in with a definition of a pie. I fully agree with Rule 3 of the British Pie Awards:
“All Pies in all classes of the British Pie Awards must comply with being ‘a filling totally and wholly encased in pastry’. Entries which do not comply, e.g. lattice-topped, fruit-topped, potato-topped etc, will not be submitted for judging.”
I have nothing against Fish Pie or Shepherd’s “Pie” – tasty yes, Pie? No! Blackberry and Apple Crumble? Yum, Pie? No!
Oh, we won’t. We know that wars have been fought over the laws which govern Cornish Pasties.
ADDENDUM: when recording AMT200, Martin’s mum told us this interesting Pie Fact: that during the Second World War, fat was rationed so pie-lovers couldn’t make pastry. In its stead, they topped their pies with root vegetables, and in certain pies this habit stuck. Necessity is the mother of invention, as ever.
After last week’s discussion of dogs in church, listener Jennifer sent us a picture of the annual blessing of the animals at the Cathedral of St John the Divine in NYC on the feast of St Francis of Assisi:
And St Francis looks down from upon high and thinks, “Hmm…this wasn’t entirely what I expected.”
Here at AMT, we are suckers for a Christmas song. A Christmas song that raises money for charity? Even better. A Christmas song that raises money and was composed by one of our listeners? JACKPOT! So apply yourselves to this email from Jason Noble:
As an avid listener of your cracking podcast, I would be massively grateful if you could help me. I am an albino and registered blind. I have recently graduated from Brighton Institute of Modern Music where I completed a course in songwriting. For my dissertation, I decided to write, record and release a charity single called ‘Be Mine This Christmas’ and because of my disability, I chose to support the Royal National Institute of Blind People (RNIB). Secondly, to raise money for a great cause, I wanted to write a song specifically about Christmas to reignite the nostalgic feelings from Christmas song of my childhood, instead of adding to the mundane releases from tv shows etc.
The single is released on the 18th of December and all the proceeds are going to the RNIB. It is available on iTunes, 7 Digital, HMV and Amazon.
It sure is a good cause, listeners, so dig deep! You can also support the Facebook page, and here be the song itself:
We weren’t the only people to be rather alarmed by last week‘s question from Chris about his armful of glass; Jim from Twickenham was too:
That question about NHS records and the guy with glass in his arms made me think that maybe you guys missed an important part.
I think it’s a real possibility that the questioner tried to slit his wrists and that was the real reason for the fake name and secrecy. I had a friend who actually did drunkenly cut up his arms by accident and got a real grilling from the doctors about suicide.
Good point, Jim, but fortunately your fears proved unfounded. How do I know? Because we also received the following email:
It’s Chris from episode 199. Thank you for answering my question. I will now go to my local GP and explain the situation without fear of punishment.
I thought you might like to know exactly how I smashed the glass into my arm:
Two of my friends were play fighting drunkenly and toppled over into a TV cabinet with glass doors. They smashed one of the doors.
He did not want his parents to notice the smashed door so we decided to even it out we would pull the other door off the cabinet. I volunteered to do this as I was sober and everyone else had been drinking.
I pulled the glass door off; it smashed into my arm. I then asked politely to use my friend’s bathroom as blood was spurting from my arm!
I know, I’m an idiot!
A noble idiot, Chris. Well done for trying to save your friend from parental fury (which I’m assuming didn’t work, as if there’s anything a parent notices than one missing glass cupboard door, it is two missing glass cupboard doors). Less well done on potentially incurring far greater parental fury directed towards yourself, and for causing yourself long-term physical damage; but as we all know, no good deed goes unpunished.
Happy Advent, Team AMT! Let’s open the first door of our advent calendar……..oh. It’s a bloody Robin Redbreast, like it is every bloody year. Better luck tomorrow, eh? At least there is the consolation of today’s other new surprise, Answer Me This! Episode 199:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
Plus: Olly warns against handling screwdrivers with your buttocks when attempting DIY tasks; Helen says NO to Grandpa Joe; and Martin the Sound Man plans the toast-based timelapse video that will be going viral shortly after he’s finished his breakfast.
This week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices or Android) is a question from Katherine about how to compile the perfect mixtape with which to woo her new boyfriend. We also learn how not to woo Olly’s mum, and how many Strangelove songs it is permissible to add to one compilation (clue: either one, or none).
We are VERY VERY EXCITED about next week’s episode, because it is of course going to be AMT200! It’s a milestone we never imagined we would reach, but by crikey, here we (almost) are. It will be a rather different affair to AMT100 – the party whistles are still ringing in our ears – but it’ll definitely be a bit special. And like every single one of the episodes preceding it, it will be based upon your QUESTIONS, so send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com and leave voicemails on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877, Skype answermethis).
As we’ve also mentioned, another AMT landmark lurks around the corner, namely our 5th BIRTHDAY, so help us celebrate by sending something suitable to the following address:
Resist the temptation to smack the bottom of our next correspondent Nick, for you may not like the consequences:
I’m on study abroad in the Netherlands this year. I’ve met a lot of good people here, one of whom is a particularly good friend from Canada.
He and I and a couple of other friends are in Budapest for the weekend. Tonight on the way back to our hostel from a night out he kept hitting me in the arse (as he does a lot), and I told him to stop. He didn’t and I got angry at him and I jumped at him trying to hit him. He hit me in the arm a few times and I swung back at him and I hit him in the face! I didn’t realise straight away but then he started bleeding! He wasn’t happy obviously and said no one had done that to him before.
I have apologised many times, but still feel bad. He has blood on his jacket and I offered to pay for a new one, but explained that I didn’t want to make amends just by paying him off. I offered to let him hit me back but he said no, he said to just go to bed. I feel so bad though, I’ve never done that to anyone before! I was drunk and pissed off that he kept poking fun at me and smacking me, but that was still no reason to react that way.
So answer me this, how can I make it up to him? He’s a good friend and I don’t want him to remain upset at me, but I don’t know what to do. I also don’t want him and our friends thinking I’m a violent person, I would never intentionally do that to him. Please help!
Readers, go to the comments and suggest means for Nick to restore his friendship. Be sure not to make him angry.
As we said in last week’s episode, we can’t condone cheating in Quasar; but if you INSIST upon cheating, you might as well not waste your time with inferior methods. Here follows an admonition from Henry:
In the latest podcast, Olly seemed to come to the conclusion that you could cheat at Quasar using a laser pointer. This is WRONG. Growing up as a nerdy kid in the early 90s, I can tell you that the lasers in lasertag games (yes, there is a blanket term and this is it) are JUST FOR SHOW.
The packs actually communicate on the infra-red (like VCR remote controls), meaning that you could cheat and give yourself an extra gun by smuggling in one of those universal remotes and programming it by shooting your gun at it while it’s in learning mode. Later, when such remotes were collapsed down into handy watch form by Casio, these could be deployed to similar, but more surreptitious effect.
Other popular (but lower-tech) cheats popular in the Coventry Laser Quest revolved around blocking up the sensors on your pack, either with black tape, chewing gum or a baggy hoodie (this being Coventry).
If, however, you do prefer to maintain your honour during laser games, Mark from Essex has some above-board tactics for you:
I am part of a group of friends that goes to Quasar every week (indeed, because we are that cool). Please pass along these tips to the questioneer if he wants to improve his game:
– Create a formation. Always have at people defending the base, people regularly storming the opposing team’s base and midfielders. The ratio should be about 3:2:1. Try to get almost everyone in a strategic place where they will not have to move much. You lose lots of points running around.
– Do not attack the opponent’s base while it is guarded. In most versions of Quasar, if you get shot 10 times or more while attacking a base, you have lost points. For this reason, never send more than 2 people in – if you send 5 people in and they each get shot twice, you have lost points.
– For the same reason, you should have lots of people defending – when the opponent storms the base, shoot them as many times as possible.
– Ensure your teammates do not stand too close together – the guns are infrared, not laser, and if two team members are standing next to each other, they will probably be shooting each other more than the opponent.
– Have an emergency signal for summoning team members for assistance. We use whistles.
So: stand very still, keep distant from your friends, and play a defensive game. Got it. But…it doesn’t actually sound FUN.
Perhaps I am misunderstanding. For all I know, Quasar might not in fact purport to be fun.
I’ve never been a teenage boy, but if you have, or possess especial insight into the condition, please apply yourself to the following two questions and offer sage advice in the comments.
The first is from A Horny Teenager, which, let’s face it, could be any of them:
Being a 15 year old boy, my hormones are raging and I have a lust for certain things e.g. Sex.
I have a girlfriend, we have been together for 4 years, however nothing sexual has ever happened. I would like to do something however I do not know how to bring it up with ruining our friendship. Answer me this: how can I instigate sex?
Readers, while you tackle his delicate question, I’m just going to sit here and reel at the fact that a 15-year-old has already been in a relationship for FOUR YEARS. Kid, are you living your life backwards? Sexless long-term relationship now, knee-tremblers behind the bike sheds with a new girlfriend every fortnight when you’re in your eighties?
Although his situation is unusual, Horny Teenager’s problem is not uncommon, unlike the one now presented to us by Rikki from Dunfermline:
My friend Alan has brittle bone disease and is wondering when is the right time to tell a girl about this if by a very small chance he ever gets a date?
Probably at a similar time to when he’d tell anyone else about it, and definitely before she suggests a date to Go Ape/swing dance/Fight Club.
He needn’t be too shy about it, though, as classic literature reliably informs us that the ladies can’t resist a gentleman with an unusual and incurable condition.
So you’re out playing a nice game of Fetch with your pet dog. Everything’s going brilliantly – your throwing arm is strong, its aim is true; the dog is showing unprecedented levels of agility and enthusiasm – until suddenly you realise that on your way out of the house, you accidentally picked up a Chocolate Orange instead of a tennis ball. (This is an all too common mistake in the run-up to Christmas.)
Knowing that chocolate is poisonous to dogs, you rush over to the hound, but it’s too late – the Chocolate Orange has already been bolted down and is heading rapidly for the canine colon. The dog swoons into a pile of rotting leaves, life already ebbing from its furry face. You crumple over its prone body, caterwauling to the God you don’t believe in, begging him/her/it to save your beloved pet.
God, of course, doesn’t answer, but fortunately AMTfan Alan does:
Yes, chocolate is poisonous for dogs but did you know by giving them a slice of bread, it counteracts it?
I did not know! Thankyou, Alan, for potentially saving the lives of dogs everywhere. I’ll never again embark upon Walkies without ensuring there’s a bap in my pocket, just in case.
. 
Answer Me This! Podcast 