Answer Me This! Podcast

Technology is a bumlord

July 28, 2007 by Olly Mann

**To listen to Episode 25, click HERE **

Friends,

Some of you may have noticed that, in the past few days, this “website” hasn’t really been working “properly”.

This is due to our “friends” at the company who handle our mp3 files going a bit “renegade” and changing all the filenames of all the podcasts we’ve ever done, so none of our links are working.

We’ve been trying to fix it, and you should now be able to listen to our most recent episodes through this site by clicking on the players in the posts below. Everything should be back to “normal” soon.

Sorry.

p.s. If you subscribe to us on iTunes, you’ll see that it has also reacted to these changes in its own delightful manner, and in a fit of confusion will try to offer you ‘new’ versions of episodes you’ve already listened to. No need to panic – when episode 26 comes out it’ll automatically land in your iTunes as usual.

To sum up roughly how we feel about this situation, here is a picture of a horse having a piss:

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EPISODE 25 – celebritits

July 25, 2007 by Helen Zaltzman

This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p, through a secure PayPal server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)

Hello there, pals!

Piss-drinking, incest, famous boobs – EPISODE 25 has got it all! Apart from class. But hopefully we can learn, eh?

In the AMT quarter-century celebration, your ears will be kept busy by:

deep fried mystery
Ronseal documentaries
marrying into your own family
Irn Bru vs. Urine
slapstick vs. torture
Guildford (hidden dangers of)
Biblical incest
peer pressure
Panorama
redundant Lisa Riley
and
Maury Povich.

Meanwhile, Olly contemplates becoming an internet porn magnate, Helen discovers that it’s far too dangerous to leave the sofa, and Martin the Human Beat Box gets shut down. It’s for his own good. Well, really it’s for all our goods.

Now, rather than writing to Dear Deirdre and running the risk of having your problem portrayed via the medium of busty ladies in their bras*, why not send YOUR questions to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave them WITH YOUR VOICE on Helen and Olly’s Question Line, 0208 123 5877?

*Either we’re squares who haven’t noticed that the rest of the world conduct all their important business wearing only bras and miniskirts, or those things aren’t entirely realistic.

See you next week, little buddies!

Love,

Helen and Olly

PS. Teen sensation Matt Parker, who has been a Friend of the Podcast right from the beginning, is rather precociously doing an hour-long comedy show as part of the Camden Fringe, despite the fact that he should probably be concentrating on his A-Levels or something. It’s on at 9pm on the 3rd and 4th of August at the Liberties bar in Camden and you should totally go: he has been variously described as ‘extremely funny‘ by comedy legend Arthur Smith and ‘tiny wunderkind‘ by the smashing Josie Long, and Helen saw him do stand-up a few weeks ago and agrees wholeheartedly with these assessments. The Answer Me This! team are even going on a field trip to see the show, despite the fact that Camden is ages away from Crystal Palace and on the last field trip Martin the Sound Man was sick on the Waltzers.

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The Secret Life of Exam Invigilators

July 23, 2007 by Helen Zaltzman

* Click here to listen to EPISODE 24 *

Anna’s question “What is the worst job you have ever had to do?” from Episode 24 provided a searing insight into what it is to invigilate an exam; to wit:

I have just spent 8 hours staring at the backs of heads of eighty-two English literature students and not even been allowed to read or draw or anything and now I think I may have gone completely mad. I am NEVER EVER agreeing to invigilate exams again.

Well, Anna, if you do ever get sucked back into the world of pacing around an exam hall chiding cheats with a wooden ruler, take this advice from academic listener Miranda, who was compelled to provide us with more information as to how invigilators keep themselves amused:

There are a variety of games but my personal favourite is to before the exam starts agree a number of criteria (such as hottest person, most freaky looking person, person you’d most like to sleep with taking the exam etc) and then take it in turns when walking up and down the aisles and stand briefly by the person who fulfills each criteria. It’s so much fun – but makes it very difficult to keep a straight, serious grown up face and not laugh very loudly. So now you know.

So now we know!

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EPISODE 24 – we’re luvinitluvinitluvinit

July 19, 2007 by Helen Zaltzman

Hello there, pals!

A mere 132 years after Alexander Graham Bell patented the telephone, Helen and Olly have got with the programme and, thanks to the lovely people at Skype, installed the Answer Me This! Question Line. For the VERY FIRST TIME in the HISTORY OF THE WORLD, questioneers are posing their problems to Helen and Olly using their very own voices. If you simply can’t quite believe it, check the hell out of Episode 24, in which we’re mithering on about such subjects as:

nether-lands
Olly’s cheesy dreams
porny exams
happy birthday Tom Stoppard
summer lovin’
the Medium cup con
the voice of Katie Price
live sex shows
fibby fibby actors
camembert
Ready Steady Weep
Tower Hamlets Benefits Office
and
The Ollster.

Furthermore, Olly starts a crusade, Helen remembers her close brush with suicide, and Martin the Sound Man has a big chuckle. There’s sure to be more where that came from; so if YOU fancy putting a smile on the face of the nation’s favourite Sound Man (and lord knows he needs it), send YOUR questions to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave them WITH YOUR VOICE on 0208 123 5877. Such wild crazy times!

Love,
Helen and Olly
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EPISODE 23 – I liked it, Simon!

July 11, 2007 by Helen Zaltzman

Hello there, pals!

Before we proceed to the standard Episode 23 blather, here are some Exciting Bits of Answer Me This!-related news:

EXCITING BIT OF NEWS no.1: Helen and Olly* are guests on the July edition of JCast, the monthly podcast about Jewish news and arts and soforth produced by the Jewish Community Centre for London. If you want to listen to them get down with Their People and talk about such Jewy things as Barbra Streisand, Jewish humour and swingers, you can download it HERE.

*Sorry, Martin the Sound Man Fans – he wasn’t allowed to come because he’s a Goy.

EXCITING BIT OF NEWS no.2: As well as emailing us, you can now pose us questions via the all-new state-of-the-art Web 2.0 Answer Me This! Question Line! So if you’re crazy with unanswered questions but stranded without internet, just call 0208 123 5877 and pose questions with your Own Voice. For the tiny price of a local call, your mellow tones could be featured in a future episode! Which makes a nice change from our flapping voices.

EXCITING BIT OF NEWS no.3: watch out ladies, because Olly is rocking a particularly husky and sexy voice this week. Not because he’s trying to make Answer Me This! a tad more 0898, but because his usual booming baritone has been beset by a nasty case of man flu (Mann Flu?).

And here’s what’s coming out of our mouths this week:
costive pomegranate
no added sugar owl porn
the arbitrary judgement of Louis Walsh
Micra morals
fear of flying (not the rude book, the apprehension of plummeting from the sky whilst on a charter flight to Alicante)
and
Project Runway.

So if you fancy being part of such action in future episodes, like these smart kids did, email YOUR questions to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, or phone 0208 123 5877 and let them all out.

Also if any of you are attending the Latitude Festival in Southwold this weekend, pop down to the Literary Arena or the theatre in the woods to catch Helen and Martin the Sound Man make a spectacle of themselves.

Until next week, bye!

Love,
Helen and Olly

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EPISODE 22 – I’m alright for Wix Wickens

July 5, 2007 by Helen Zaltzman

Howdy Doody, funsters!

Aside from it being, as always, Chico Time – it’s time for EPISODE 22 of Answer Me This! Quite Literally.

Some things you might Literally enjoy, enclosed within:

Sky News – the Musical
How to play ‘Bollocks!’
Jew bras
the Ann Summers warhead
In bed with Helen and Martin the Sound Man
raffling off Peter Sissons
the bias of Peter Cockroft
and
a cat called Muff.

It’s pretty strong stuff.

Furthermore, Olly’s Thoughtcrime has dreadful consequences (and not just his balding pate), Helen gets angry at panache-free anecdotes, and everyone gets excited by the prospect of Answer Me This! fan fiction. Indeed, if you are moved by priapic fervour to write a sordid behind-the-scenes tale of Olly and Martin the Sound Man’s clandestine manlove, email it to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, which is also where you should be slinging all your questions for future episodes of the podcast.

Until next week, when we have some Very Exciting News for you, toodle-pip!

Love,

Helen and Olly
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EPISODE 21: would you like to make it a maxit?

June 28, 2007 by Helen Zaltzman

Dear pals,

Sorry about the inclement weather. Bitter at being nastily sunburnt through factor 50 sunscreen a couple of weeks ago, Helen called in some favours and got the summer rained off. In a half-arsed attempt to compensate for this display of rotten eggery, we offer you Episode 21 of Answer Me This!

This week we’re raining down entertainments in the form of:
fox sex
pencil cricket
the youngest Kenneth
100% Bedford
Little Chef ageism
Alphabetti
Jordan and Peter
hanging at the Trocadero
sexy Swiss
the Cheers Bar (reason for existence of)

Meanwhile Helen gets all Nancy Drew about the machinations of the female mind, Olly practices for his Spearmint Rhino audition, and Martin the Sound Man speaks as a scientist. But it’s alright – that’s right near the end, so you may have drifted off by then.

Hesitate not to send us YOUR questions for future episodes by emailing them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.

Bye!

Love,

Helen and Olly

PS The Bremen Debate wages ever on. Following Tim Scullion’s three-star assessment of Bremen, original Bremen questioneer Benjamin Partridge sent in this rejoinder:

I can’t help thinking that it is a bit early to draw any conclusions about Bremen – there was no mention of the upcoming International Maths Olympiad or the Robot Football World Cup.

I shall visit Bremen and send a detailed dossier.

Don’t leave us hanging, Partridge.

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Google me this!

June 26, 2007 by Helen Zaltzman

* Click HERE to listen to Episode 20 *

One of the many pleasures of running this website is being able to see what Google searches have sent people here. We have mentioned before how our casual mention of the fact that Olly’s sneezes smell bad daily draws in numerous similar sufferers, who assail the World’s Favourite Search engine with such combinations as ‘sneezes that have an odor’, ‘her sneezes smell’, ‘why do sneezes smell OR stink’ or ‘sneezes smell musty’ in the hope of finding a cure for this mysterious ailment, and instead find a question-answering comedy podcast. In fact, smelly sneezers probably account for about 60% of our listenership.

However some people’s approach to answermethispodcast.com has been yet more oblique. And duly it tickles us to present you with our Top 10 Funny Google Searches Which Resulted In Answer Me This! Rather Than Anything Like What They Were Hoping To Find. Just imagine the surprise! the confusion! the disappointment! of the people who fetched up here when they Googled these:

10. Dogtanian streaming episodes
9. why would a goldfish enlarge
8. Jude Law
7. high street honeys mp3
6. auto fellation
5. where i can bye armani jeans in london
4. is it halal to give money to Comic Relief?
3. do pomegranates make you constipated?
2. KNOCK A BUZZARD OFF A TURD WAGON
and…
1. my husband says i smell like garlic.

Oh, how sad a picture the winning entry paints – a lonely wife, pouring out her troubles to Google night after night, in the vague hope that one day, ONE DAY, it will pat her on the back and make everything better. “Is he having an affair?” she types. “Did my parents love my sister more?” And: “I’m so alone.” “Did you mean I’m Al Capone?” barks heartless Google back.

Stick with us, lovely garlicky lady! We’ll be your shoulder to cry on when the marriage goes tits-up because you just could not stay off the aioli.

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Bremen: update

June 26, 2007 by Helen Zaltzman

* Click HERE to listen to Episode 20 *

Finally, chaps, those who you have been holding your breath ever since Episode 16 came out can exhale. We may finally have an answer for Benjamin Partridge’s question, “Is Bremen in Germany a weird place to want to go on holiday?” And it’s all thanks to Mr Tim Scullion, who sent us the following email:

Funnily enough, I have been to Bremen on a holiday-ish. I went with Resonance FM and we did some sound workshops and stuff, and made a programme for Resonance. But we also hung out, drank, and ate, and it was… alright. It was winter, so there was a big traditional xmas village thing in the centre of the town, which was cool. Lots of traditional mulled wine and cinnamon biscuits. Most of the art students who I asked, however, didn’t particularly care for Bremen. I should explain that I asked art students because we were attending an international arts conference. I didn’t just seek them out to get their weird artist opinions. Well, I did, but it was very easy to do.

BUT it is the only place outside of Berlin to have a branch of fantastic cafe/shop “Kauf Dich Glücklich”, which is probably the loveliest place in Berlin. The Bremen branch is more of a shop than a cafe, and doesn’t do the same range of delicious ice-cream and waffles as the Berlin original, but it is still great, and has friendly staff.

Bremen, then. Not bad, a fair few art students, a nice cafe/shop, Christmas larks, cinnamon, but you probably are a bit weird if you want to go there on holiday.

Hope this helps.

It certainly does, Tim! Thanks to you we can now conclude the following:
Bremen = alright
Benjamin Partridge = weird.
So that’s that all sewn up.

And as Tim has been so very helpful, it behoves us to present the following plug for his lovely band Hong Kong in the 60s, who have their first gig at The Good Ship, 289 Kilburn High Road NW6 7JR on 29th June at 8pm, to which you should totally go.
But if you’re busy saving the world that evening, then you’d be a fool to miss their next gig, on 16th July at the Bloomsbury Bowling Lanes. It’s FREE, and you get to come over all Big Lebowski whilst listening to the fine music. Which is what is known as a triple winner!

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EPISODE 20: The Final Countdown! (until the next countdown)

June 21, 2007 by Helen Zaltzman

Hello there, pals!

We’re in a giddy mood this week as Answer Me This! reaches double double figures. Also because Olly’s off to Glastonbury and he pitched his tent over a leaking gas main. Wooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!1!!11!!!!!

Meanwhile, any of you who aren’t gadding about in a mud-sotted field this weekend should check out Episode 20. There’s no need to get your feet wet, and ain’t no bloody capoeira in it either.

And here are some of the stars of Episode 20:
Lord of the Rings – The (Crapulous) Musical
The Mozart of Madras
misspelling Ricky Gervais
Olly’s Dream Will Do
Marry, shag or kill?
David Gest’s face
human suffering
Civil Service vs. Stepmom
Wetherspoons curry club
DJ Olltzi
and
sharon fruit.

We also help launch the career of a new pop group, receive podcasting advice from Jesus, and reminisce about how Answer Me This! could have turned out offally different. Seriously, we all had a very lucky escape from What Could Have Been. There’s a very unlucky parallel universe somewhere out there.

As ever, PLEASE email your questions for future episodes of Answer Me This! to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, and we’ll try to fix you up good.

Until next week, bye!

Love,

Helen and Olly

PS. Back in Episode 16, questioneer Benjamin Partridge posed the following: “Is Bremen in Germany a weird place to want to go on holiday?” Following our non-commital advice, and tempted by Bremen’s apparently charming sea-front, he resolved to go, and we looked forward to finding out once and for all the answer to his question.

Only he chickened out and went to Wales instead.

So the mystery continues! If any of YOU have been to Bremen on holiday, report to us and tell us whether it was fly or a flop as a holiday destination. Leaving this question unanswered is keeping us awake at night.
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EPISODE 19: nothing’s gonna stop us now

June 14, 2007 by Helen Zaltzman

Hey y’all!

It’s the last teenage episode of Answer Me This! We can’t believe it! It seems barely minutes ago that the podcast was just a cheeky glint in our eyes, and now it’s all grown up – Download of the Day in the Independent on Wednesday 13th, no less. Which means Answer Me This! is one of the top 365 things to get off the internet in 2007! Considering all the ladies’ jugs that are on the internet, that’s quite the accolade.

Anyway, just because the podcast is about to enter its twenties, it doesn’t mean it’s outgrown all the tantrums, rows and clandestine substance abuse. Why, in this episode we cover such classy subjects as necrophilia, disabled dolphins and ITV2.

Also:
Sex and death
Strictly Mark Lawson Fever
le petit mort
particle accelerators
Kosher for Passover ice-cream
sausage bombs
Singing’ in the Rain
Basic Instinct
dancing lessons with Martin the Sound Man
mock crayfish
and
Slags in Limos.

And if you want YOUR questions to yield such rogue results, email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. We can’t promise miracles, but we can try and do something a bit flashy.

Until next week, goodbye!

Love,

Helen and Olly

PS If you notice an unusually beautiful jingle in this episode, it’s probably by the marvellous Gavin Osborn. If you liked the 20-second jingle, you’ll probably explode with joy if you listen to his new album, In the Twee Small Hours, so we thoroughly recommend you treat yourself to a copy.
PPS That’s not to say the rest of the jingles aren’t beautiful as well. Well done, Answer Me This! Players! (Sadly they don’t have an album out, but it’s only a matter of time…)

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Nick fixes it (again)

June 13, 2007 by Helen Zaltzman

* Click HERE to listen to Episode 18 *

Even after Helen gave him potentially deleterious health advice, regular questioneer Nick has been so kind as to haul us out of a hole on more than one occasion. After his fine work on the question of emoticons back in Episode 11, dauntless Nick has once again waded in where even alleged physics expert Martin the Sound Man fears to tread.

When Martin ‘I’ve got a PhD in physics – and I didn’t buy it off the internet’ Austwick utterly failed to supply a useful answer to Jonny’s question in Episode 18, “How can we prove that the world is round?”, who should save our bacon but Nick ‘I don’t have a PhD in Physics and frankly I suspect Martin the Sound Man’s is not worth the potato it was printed with’ Questioneer, who promptly emailed us the following succinct solution:

A two-word explanation for Johnny: lunar eclipses. Couldn’t happen like that if the earth were any other shape. I thank you.

Olly and Helen are now considering sacking themselves and appointing Nick their successor, but it would mean a lot of smashing jingles would go to waste.

What do you reckon, eh?

Should Helen and Olly sack themselves and appoint Nick their successor?