extracurricular questions | Answer Me This! Podcast

Archive for the ‘extracurricular questions’ Category

It wasn’t me

July 7, 2011

Do you ever look in the mirror and see a stranger staring back? Or even, like Terri from Stockwell, found yourself in the midst of a getaway or near-death experience? Terri writes:

What’s the most inexplicable or out of character thing you’ve ever done? Earlier this year I tried to run out of a fish and chip shop without paying for my haddock and got chased down the street by the shop owner… I’d never previously stolen anything apart from stationery, and have to put it down to having broken up with my girlfriend two days previously and being a bit temporarily unhinged. Also, I once tried to climb a massive cliff with no safety equipment and almost died. But that was when I was 13.

Once I threw a newspaper in the bin rather than recycle it… Thankfully, readers, you seem an erratic bunch, with lives full of personal folly. So go forth to the comments and tell us your tales, which I’m sure will cheer up Terri as she awaits her trial for haddock theft.

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Posted in extracurricular questions | 1 Comment »

the price is right

July 7, 2011

** Click here for Episode 181 **

Our next correspondent asked that their name and address be redacted, so they will henceforth be known as Captain Scammington:

I have hit on a way to get anything you want for what you want to pay – yes really, and this isn’t junk mail I promise.

On, shall we say, certain well-known online retail outlets, as well as buying new tat, you can sell your old tat. On certain well-known online retail outlets you will find a few big timers, using clever software, will always undercut your price by a penny – several times a day.

So you simply decide what it is you want to buy and the price you would like to pay for it. Check to see if big timer has the item (one doesn’t want to shit on one’s peers) and then tell a tiny fib that you have one already and put it up for sale. They will then lower the price of theirs to a penny under the price you’d like to pay for it – at which point you buy it. It’s very unlikely that someone will buy the one you ‘have’ in the meantime and if they do it’s very easy task to cancel the transaction. I ‘reckon’ you could get away with this maybe a half dozen times a year.

Now answer me this: is it so terribly wrong to fraudulently offer something for sale you don’t have (big business would never do that, would it?)? Or is it sticking it to the man and to be applauded?

Readers, you sit on all points of the moral compass. Is there something noble about sticking it to Big Business with a bit of petty crime? Is one foolish not to use the mildly naughty means at your disposal to bag yourself a bargain? Or is wrongdoing just plain wrong?

Whatever you say, though, I’m sure Captain Scammington will continue their cheapskate ruse until either they cook up an even better one, or they get struck by lightening.

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Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 6 Comments »

Nesquik – now available in pus flavour

July 6, 2011

** Click here for Episode 181 **

Craig from Louisville, Kentucky has some feedback which sounds like bollo to me:

US Sailors’ asymmetric ear-piercing is determined by which ocean they are deployed from. Left ear Atlantic, right ear Pacific. The right ear being for gays is due to US east coast bias that gays come from California.

Of course, there’s not a single gay on the east coast. Not in New York, Fire Island, Cape Cod, no!

Mark in Portland, Oregon also writes to us concerning something which sounds like bullshit (and in this case looks a bit like it too):

Recently a conversation came up about chocolate milk and a couple of my friends told me that chocolate milk is the pus and blood-tainted milk which is then covered up with the chocolatey color and smell so we don’t know it is, well, pus and blood. I half believe them and half hope that this is either no longer the case or simply myth. Please, for the sake of children everywhere, let us know!

I’d heard that most intensively-produced milk contains a few shots of pus, but now I’ll start looking out for a delicate pinkish tinge as well. If any of you readers work in the chocolate milk industry – or, better yet, are disgruntled former employees of the chocolate milk industry with an axe to grind – go to the comments to tell Mark whether or not he’s drinking pus and blood. Frankly a glass of that doesn’t sound much worse than flavoured milk to me.

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Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine, extracurricular questions | Leave a Comment »

weird turn-ons

June 23, 2011

** Click here for Episode 179 **

Julia from Oxford is the biggest sexual deviant since James Spader in Crash. (And Secretary.) She writes:

I’m massively attracted to men who are good at science, which may say something for evolutionary theory as I’m rubbish at it and may be trying to secure some scientific intelligence genes for my future offspring.

I also have a bit of a thing for appendectomy scars, but that’s just a bit weird.

So answer me this: What are your biggest unconventional turn-ons?

Gather round, pervs! Go to the comments and tell us your wrongo turn-ons, and try not to get too aroused whilst doing so.

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Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 6 Comments »

my friend’s girlfriend

June 23, 2011

** Click here for Episode 179 **

The following person has written to us under the pseudonym “Jeremy in Stoke” (to conceal the fact he is actually a lesbian blogger in the Middle East). He has a fake name, but a real problem, you see:

Despite being a happily married man and father of two small boys, the girlfriend of a friend of mine has started cracking onto me rather a lot recently. Let’s call her Emma. She flirts with me so obviously when we are out that it has become a standing joke with some of my friends (even my wife says she finds it rather funny in a sad kind of way).

The thing is that Emma’s boyfriend, my friend Mike, seems to be totally unaware of all this. He’s a lovely chap, a little bit head in the clouds and really doesn’t seem to see anything at all dodgy in the fact that whenever he’s away she asks me to come round and ‘keep her company’ on my own etc etc etc.

Answer me this:

DO I TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT?

I obviously don’t want to, because I’m a bit too English.

That’s right. You and he must never have a heart-to-heart about this, unless you want your UK citizenship to be revoked.

In fact, I’d hesitate to talk to him about it whichever nationality you are. He evidently trusts you and your upstanding Englishness completely, to see nothing but innocence in her hussyish come-ons; and so far you’ve done nothing to break that trust. Perhaps he is even aware of her vixenish ways, but has chosen not to act, rather than embarrassing you, himself and his errant ladyfriend. If you wade in, it could cause a fissure of awkwardness in your friendship and a dent to the dignity on at least one of your sides.

However, you could have a short stern word with Emma asking her to knock it off; or, better yet, your wife could stage a catfight with her in the middle of the street. After some publicly humiliating hair-pulling, tit-punching and screams of “Step off, bitch!”, her ardour might be dampened. Tell your wife to get acrylic nail extensions beforehand.

Readers, agree or disagree with me? I don’t mind which, but I do urge you to go to the comments to advise Jeremy upon apt procedure.

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Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 3 Comments »

pisscake

June 20, 2011

** Click here for Episode 179 **

Here’s a question from Chris from Sunderland:

Someone told me they committed a prank in which they, amoung a large group of co-prankers, picked up this guy’s car, and hid it in his garage. When the guy then reported the car as being stolen, the police searched around the area, and discovered the car in the garage. They then thought he was playing a prank on them.

So answer me this: have you commited any japes, pranks, or serious shenanigans that have been a little over the score?

I’d put money on you readers having done so, so while I’m down at the bookie’s, tell everyone about your mischief in the comments. Meanwhile, Harry from Fleet is cooking up his own prank:

I was thinking up some good old-fashioned revenge ideas when I sprung upon the idea of urinating onto my father’s cake. This got me thinking whether you could make icing from wee.

Later on still, thinking along the same lines, I wondered if there could be any more practical uses for the stuff? With the increasing prices of water, perhaps could it not act as nature’s 2 for 1 deal on water?

I’m sure there are lots of wonderful uses for human urine, Harry, but I’m more interested to find out what it is your father has done to you to warrant being served up a lovely slice of piss-soaked cake. And whether all of his five senses are really bad enough for him not to notice your extra ingredient.

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Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 4 Comments »

One marriage in a spin (cycle)

June 15, 2011

** Click here for Episode 178 **

Allegedly, Bronwyn and Simon submitted the following question jointly. However, the wording suggests that it is Bronwyn alone leading the charge:

In between washes, is it better to keep the washing machine door open or closed?

I think it would be better to keep it closed so the seals don’t perish and it doesn’t rust; however my husband is insistent that leaving it ajar is better as it allows the air to circulate.

It turns out that my brain simply refuses to devote any of its activity to this matter, so readers, you must decide. Marital harmony depends upon it.

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Posted in extracurricular questions, Rock the Vote | 2 Comments »

the new David Gandy

June 14, 2011

** Click here for Episode 178 **

Independent studies show* that AMT-listeners are of above average physical beauty. So it’s no surprise that Stephen here is trying to trade on his looks:

I entered this silly modelling competition and, against the odds, it seems to be going pretty well. BUT, I need more votes and wondered if you wonderful people would be able to help me out a little bit. As a loooooong time listener I believe the old listener-podcaster privilege should surely have kicked in by now, you know, I scratch your back, you scratch mine kind of thing? And don’t worry when I’m strutting down the catwalks and being interviewed in Vogue, I’ll make sure I mention you and get you some extra column inches.

That’s the only way we’ll ever get in Vogue (unless they need some ‘Before’ pictures for the lipsuction adverts near the back), so readers, click here to vote for Stephen. He’ll need a lot of your clicks to topple the current no.1 seed Roland, though.

*No such studies have actually been carried out.

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Posted in extracurricular questions | 1 Comment »

chocolate caffeine

June 14, 2011

** Click here for Episode 178 **

You know what we’ve always thought was missing from the confectionery market? Pharmaceuticals! Not really, but that’s because we’re not Sam from Manchester, the Willy Wonka of over-the-counter drugs:

When I was at university, I had too many essays to do in not enough time, so I came up with a new invention – chocolate-covered Pro Plus. It was perfect: an initial hit of chocolate followed by the long lasting effect of Pro Plus. It was so good I thought they should make it!

So answer me this: have you ever had an idea that you think should be taken into production? Obviously other than a national radio station taking up the show and paying you lots of money!

While I recover from the coughing fit brought on by the idea that radio pays lots of money, you readers must go forth to the comments and tell us about your own ideas of gaps in the market. Let’s get some of them into production, people! Ibuprofen jelly, how about it?

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Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 4 Comments »

podcast shame – still in the closet

June 14, 2011

** Click here for Episode 178 **

Well done to Shamika, who produced an elegant solution to her own problem which we featured here last week:

I thought you might want to know how this saga ended…

So the director actually asked me last Monday for my recommendations. This time I was prepared for him! I decided to go with the Bugle – it has a political bent and every so often it takes the piss out of Berlusconi (the director is Italian) for bonus points. I can always claim it keeps me on top of current affairs if it backfires on me.

Sorry AMT, you don’t have a listener in high places yet (he must be raking it in). If he likes the Bugle, I might just bite the bullet and let him enjoy the delights of AMT. But hey, at least I kept it in the Zaltzman family!

Thanks! Now why don’t you see if your boss wants to spend some of his supermoney on one of Zack Zaltzman’s sculptures too.

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listening to AMT – a sackable offence?

June 9, 2011

** Click here for Episode 177 **

Over the years, we’ve noted a number of emotions which AMT stirs in its listenership: amusement, nausea, disgust, disappointment… But this is the first time we’ve been able to add ‘shame’ to the canon. Shamika writes:

I work for a global consultancy in the City. As I was walking out of the office on Friday (already with my headphones on), a director came up to me and asked what was I listening to. I’m a bit of a comedy freak so my phone is full of podcasts like the Bugle, Friday Night Comedy and of course AMT.

I wanted to sound vaguely professional, so I said, “Friday Night Comedy”. This seemed to do the trick as he seemed suitably impressed and we chatted a bit about that until he asked “Oh, what other podcasts do you have that you recommend?”

Now I think you’d be the first to admit that AMT is hardly something you’d share in a professional work environment. So I blustered for a bit and told him I’d find him something good in a week.

I’m hoping he’ll forget, but if he doesn’t, I’m in a bit of dilemma, because I want to recommend AMT but don’t know whether he’ll appreciate it. I don’t want him to change his perception of me, which unfortunately is hugely important as a consultant looking to get promoted in the next year.

So answer me this: do I recommend AMT if he asks me again next week?

Readers, the woman’s on a deadline. Help her out. Have you found that listening to AMT has adversely affected your professional reputation (or your dignity in general)? And is there a podcast Shamika could namedrop which would guarantee her that promotion?

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Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 9 Comments »

revolving door policy

June 8, 2011

** Click here for Episode 177 **

Let’s tackle our second relationship dilemma of the day, this one from Luke:

I’m currently living in Argentina but will be returning to sunny England in July. This is sad news for me and my boyfriend as I’ll be leaving the continent and he’ll be heading back to Colombia, thus putting an end to our relationship.

I love my boyfriend; however, I was recently contacted by a Brazilian fling from my summer trip to Rio, and found myself neglecting to mention to him that I had a boyfriend, instead referring to him as my “friend”. This doesn’t seem to matter now, as we live in different countries; but I know that he, the Brazilian, will be coming to visit the UK once I’m back and so I didn’t want to burn any bridges.

So answer me this – is it morally wrong to start planning future romantic escapades with someone else whilst still in a relationship, if you know that you inevitably have to split up beforehand?

It’s not morally right, but it is pragmatic. I am a fan of pragmatism. But I’m also a fan of morals. So…conflicted… Readers, help me and Luke in our confusion by giving some good clear advice in the comments.

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