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Bremen: update

June 26, 2007

* Click HERE to listen to Episode 20 *

Finally, chaps, those who you have been holding your breath ever since Episode 16 came out can exhale. We may finally have an answer for Benjamin Partridge’s question, “Is Bremen in Germany a weird place to want to go on holiday?” And it’s all thanks to Mr Tim Scullion, who sent us the following email:

Funnily enough, I have been to Bremen on a holiday-ish. I went with Resonance FM and we did some sound workshops and stuff, and made a programme for Resonance. But we also hung out, drank, and ate, and it was… alright. It was winter, so there was a big traditional xmas village thing in the centre of the town, which was cool. Lots of traditional mulled wine and cinnamon biscuits. Most of the art students who I asked, however, didn’t particularly care for Bremen. I should explain that I asked art students because we were attending an international arts conference. I didn’t just seek them out to get their weird artist opinions. Well, I did, but it was very easy to do.

BUT it is the only place outside of Berlin to have a branch of fantastic cafe/shop “Kauf Dich Glücklich”, which is probably the loveliest place in Berlin. The Bremen branch is more of a shop than a cafe, and doesn’t do the same range of delicious ice-cream and waffles as the Berlin original, but it is still great, and has friendly staff.

Bremen, then. Not bad, a fair few art students, a nice cafe/shop, Christmas larks, cinnamon, but you probably are a bit weird if you want to go there on holiday.

Hope this helps.

It certainly does, Tim! Thanks to you we can now conclude the following:
Bremen = alright
Benjamin Partridge = weird.
So that’s that all sewn up.

And as Tim has been so very helpful, it behoves us to present the following plug for his lovely band Hong Kong in the 60s, who have their first gig at The Good Ship, 289 Kilburn High Road NW6 7JR on 29th June at 8pm, to which you should totally go.
But if you’re busy saving the world that evening, then you’d be a fool to miss their next gig, on 16th July at the Bloomsbury Bowling Lanes. It’s FREE, and you get to come over all Big Lebowski whilst listening to the fine music. Which is what is known as a triple winner!

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Nick fixes it (again)

June 13, 2007

* Click HERE to listen to Episode 18 *

Even after Helen gave him potentially deleterious health advice, regular questioneer Nick has been so kind as to haul us out of a hole on more than one occasion. After his fine work on the question of emoticons back in Episode 11, dauntless Nick has once again waded in where even alleged physics expert Martin the Sound Man fears to tread.

When Martin ‘I’ve got a PhD in physics – and I didn’t buy it off the internet’ Austwick utterly failed to supply a useful answer to Jonny’s question in Episode 18, “How can we prove that the world is round?”, who should save our bacon but Nick ‘I don’t have a PhD in Physics and frankly I suspect Martin the Sound Man’s is not worth the potato it was printed with’ Questioneer, who promptly emailed us the following succinct solution:

A two-word explanation for Johnny: lunar eclipses. Couldn’t happen like that if the earth were any other shape. I thank you.

Olly and Helen are now considering sacking themselves and appointing Nick their successor, but it would mean a lot of smashing jingles would go to waste.

What do you reckon, eh?

Should Helen and Olly sack themselves and appoint Nick their successor?

Yes. Frankly it’s been a long time coming.
No! Nick is the most dangerous charlatan since Galileo!
They can ALL go to hell.

View Results

more at twiigs.com…

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Washing-up bowls: the Defence speaks

April 14, 2007

* Click here to listen to EPISODE 14 of Answer Me This! *

We’ve had some wise listener feedback this week, from Alex, who happens to be one of Answer Me This!’s premier jingle artistes. In response to Chip’s question from Episode 14, Alex says:

We have washing up bowls for one very simple reason. It’s for swilling! If you’re not lucky enough to have a double sink then you need space for the cold swilling water to escape and not pollute the lovely warm soapy washing-up water, or cause the sink to overflow.

So: double sink – no need for a washing up bowl. Ridiculous and senseless. I have a single sink and so am entirely justified in my purchase.

And if you don’t swill, as you’ve said yourself Helen, “the plates aren’t clean”!

Thank you, Alex, for shaking us out of our privileged double-sink-reverie. (And, indeed, without rinsing washing up isn’t worth a damn.) I feel satisfied now that the mystery is resolved. However, if YOU have a washing up bowl AND a double sink – what the hell are you playing at, eh?

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Nick’s Erecticon

April 3, 2007

In response to Rosie’s question about emoticons in episode 11, Olly suggested there is a gap in the market for an emoticon shaped like an erect penis, in order to express extreme joy.

And now, thanks to listener Nick, there is! Check it out:

I think this looks like a stiffy.

<=8

Or, if you wanted to be rude:

– – <=8

Cor! Lock up your grannies, readers! That there erecticon’s saucier than a giant bottle of ketchup!

(By the way, if you are interested in songs about giant bottles of ketchup, why not check out Martin the Sound Man’s collaboration with Josie Long, The People’s Sauce?)

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Olly’s sneeze affliction

February 22, 2007

* Click here to listen to Episode 6 *

In Episode 6 of Answer Me This!, Olly sensationally revealed that his sneezes reek beyond the limits of human endurance. Despite being in the business of answering questions, we failed to discover a reason for this stinkiness, and a week on, the mystery continues.

However, though a cure remains frustratingly elusive, we were overjoyed to discover Olly ‘Freaknostrils’ Mann is not alone, when the following email from listener Geri leapt into our inbox this morning:

Not a question, more of a plea…

I heard Olly confess that his sneezes smell terrible on a recent
show and I suffer from this too. My husband even rolls the window
down when I sneeze in the car. He calls it my death sneeze ‘cos it
literally smells of death!

Please please please Olly, i look to you to find the cause of our
affliction.

You are not alone.

Geri *achhhooooo*

Wow! So even dainty ladylike sneezes can smell like a llama’s toilet!

But how many smelly-sneezers are still in the (pongy) closet? Show yourselves, and Answer Me This! will provide haven for you. Together we can beat this thing, people! Although we’ll not take you all on a picnic in hayfever season.

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Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine, sneezing | 112 Comments »

Humble Pie II

February 20, 2007

* Click here for Episode 6 of Answer Me This! *

The guilt is running high at Answer Me This!, and not just because Helen and Olly are both Jews. Following last week’s hoo-ha, when Helen was Mrs Glib about the health of listener Nick and her own father in Episode 5, did we keep our big, flapping mouths in check in Episode 6?

No, we did not.

Listener Paul, hearing that the Answer Me This! question coffers needed replenishing, was kind enough to send us a big list of very good questions. We are genuinely thrilled when we receive questions from our listeners, and when someone sends us several at once, it feels like Christmas.

So how did we repay Paul in Episode 6? With teasing, fun-poking and general meanness! Instead of appropriately reading Paul’s question “Why do all girls hate me?” as a query as to why, thus far, his romances have foundered, and offering useful advice for love-finding, we chose to interpret it as indicating Paul to be a doubly incontinent neocon with a subscription to Nuts magazine and a diet of raw kitten. We then asked women who hate Paul to get in touch with us and tell us why. As it turns out, no such correspondence was forthcoming: independent sources have confirmed to us that Paul is, in fact, a fine young man and furthermore a fair hit with the ladies.

So with all the sincerity we can muster from our withered little hearts, we say: Sorry, Paul. And sorry, listeners. We promise to try to comport ourselves better in future.

And if you’re still game to do so, email us questions: answermethispodcast@googlemail.com

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another milestone for Answer Me This!

January 30, 2007

Back in the olden days (ie episode 2), we asked you listeners whether you’d listened to Answer Me This! in a plane, or failing that what was the weirdest place in which you’d listened to the podcast. Answers to the latter, quite fairly, ranged from ‘in the nude’ to ‘Nottingham’.

However, after the following email trotted into our inbox this morning, I am delighted to announce that Answer Me This! has achieved its first mile-high listener:

Dear Helen and Olly,

Weren’t you wondering recently whether anyone had signed answermethispodcast into the mile high club? Well I did! But not in a dirty way. Last Sunday, episode 2, London Heathrow to Chicago O’Hare, somewhere near Iceland!

Congratulations!

Alex D

And congratulations back at you, Alex D. The challenge is on, listeners – beat that! I look forward to hearing from Gerald A. Spacetourist: ‘I listened to episode 6004 whilst orbiting the Moon. To be honest, having spent £1million on the trip, I should have waited until I got home.’

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Martin the Sound Man’s eggy web of deceit

January 24, 2007

* To listen to episode 3 of Answer Me This!, click here *

Last year, Martin the Sound Man released an EP called Tissue Of Lies.

I didn’t think the title was of any especial significance. UNTIL NOW.

You know that stuff about poached eggs that Martin was spouting in episode three? Something about how to twiddle with the ions so that the proteins do something or other? (OK, I admit my mind did wander a bit.) Remember that?

Well, we’ve had an email from a scientist called May. Her email address is ‘proteinsaredifficult’, which suggests she sure knows her stuff about proteins. She says:

The core of the protein consists of tightly packed hydrophobic residues, whereas the surface is mostly hydrophillic. Water molecules are unlikely to “break” into the protein and diffuse the egg because the residues are so tightly packed.

In translation: “What Martin said about the science behind coagulating egg-whites was a load of horseshit. And just because he has a PhD in quantum physics (which he probably BOUGHT OFF THE INTERNET anyway) doesn’t mean he knows shit about shinola. Or egg-whites.”

So, Martin, you are officially a Bad Egg and you have brought Answer Me This! into disrepute. Shame on you! Shame!!!!

Lest we get into this sort of hot water again, here’s a little advance warning: in episode 4, Olly accidentally says ‘pineapple’ when he meant ‘pumpkin’. I apologise in advance if this affects your enjoyment of his joke.

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Jude ‘Crystal-Pissing’ Law

January 24, 2007

* To listen to episode 3 of Answer Me This!, click here *

Way back in episode two, we broached the subject of the Jude Law film The Wisdom of Crocodiles, in which he plays a serial killer who, after killing someone, pisses a crystal and puts it into a special box.

To elaborate upon this issue, we’ve had an email from Nathan, who says:

Answer me this: Did you know that Jude “Crocodile Tears” Law’s crystal-pissing condition has some basis in reality? Healthy urine may contain three types of crystals Oxalate, Triple Phosphate and Cystine. However, Jude’s crystals seem (from your description) to be more unusual which suggests that he may be suffering from liver disease of “maple syrup urine” disease.

Poor old Jude. No wonder his fictional self was cross enough to kill Timothy Spall.

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