Answer Me This! Podcast

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Last week’s discussion of songs about wanking raised some upsetting memories for Sarah from Oklahoma:

When I was about 5, I learned all the words to “I Touch Myself” and learned a dance where I kept touching my face and my arms – it was very good. My brother who was 11 years older than me thought it was hilarious and said I ought to go show my mom’s friends who were downstairs.

I made it about 3 lines in before my mom grabbed me and put me in my room and told me to never sing that song again.

If you are five and you want to cause a stir, here’s the song you need to master:

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The argument about Lego keeps going round and round. After the pasting he received from Andrew from Southampton last week, the Lego-avoiding 14-year-old Will from Haddenham from AMT193 has invoked his right to reply:

Andrew from Southampton, I’d like to point out that Lego is an excellent toy and I won’t fault it for any reason (except for its price label in some cases), but if I went into school tomorrow and said to my mates: “Hey guys, you won’t believe the trouble I’ve been having with this Lego set I’m building”, then I am sure that they would take the absolute piss out of me, I’d be instantly labelled as a ‘sad loser’ and I’d never be able to live it down.

I wish things were different, but that’s how it goes these days. I’m not going to lie, Lego has undoubtedly been my favourite childhood toy and it will be enjoyed for many years to come as I have a little brother and there’s tons of the stuff at home. So please don’t accuse me of being a Lego hater, but I’d like to point out that I’m also not a fanatic.

This seems an entirely reasonable response to me. Let’s just all agree now that Lego IS great at almost any age, but 14-year-old boys are too busy with wanking, experimental intoxication and existential angst to be occupying themselves with it.

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Episode 194 requires a visual aid, to illustrate Andrew from Southampton‘s rejoinder regarding Lego. He argues convincingly against Will from Haddenham’s assertion in AMT193 that Lego’s for the kiddies, and presents us with photographic evidence of his own Lego creation in action:

Well he’s definitely won me over to the dark side.

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Insubordination in the AMT ranks! Dave from Bournemouth has the gall to cast aspersions upon our unerring advice:

I just listened to this week’s podcast and thought your answers to the contact lens question were rubbish!

What the person needs to do is get glow-in-the-dark paint and write “Take out lenses” in tiny letters on the ceiling above her bed. She’ll only be able to read the note with the lenses in, and no-one else will know (unless she gets lucky with someone who has 20/20 vision).

[Slow handclaps] Bravo, Dave! Of COURSE Harriet from Oxford will read the TINY letters several feet away on her ceiling, an INFALLIBLE plan especially when she passes out FACE DOWN after a night on the lash. (From her email we did infer quite a lot about her dissolute lifestyle.)

I don’t know if Josh from Bournemouth‘s suggestion would be any more effective, but I do like his style:

I too like Harriet wear contact lenses. For the first few months I was always forgetting to take my lenses out and so I made a poster full of insults and stuck it to the roof above my bed.

This meant that when ever I went to bed and could read the insults calling me a variety of horrible things, I knew I had to take my lenses out, but if I had already taken them out I was blessed with the ignorance of being able to stare at my ceiling and not be called a cunt that night.

It’s a shock tactic, with the additional bonus of providing a conversation point should Josh ever bring a Special Friend home for a sleepover.

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Holy water’s not looking all that holy to me any more, since Anthony from Dublin sent in this photo taken in a central Dublin church:

It's exactly what God wanted.

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Karl is helping clear up some matters left over from last week:

According to this (a map accompanies it), in the original series of Oz books written by L. Frank Baum the red brick road goes to the Quadling Country in Oz. Red is the Quadlings’ state colour.

In his books, the Land of Oz was divided into four quadrants and each was designated a particular colour: Winkie Country = Yellow, Gillikin Country = Purple, Munchkin Country = Blue, and Quadling Country = Red. Glinda the Good was the ruler of the Quadlings in L. Frank Baum’s Oz series. As her bubble floats away from Munchkinland in the 1939 film, it appears to be following the red brick road. Therefore, the red brick road most likely leads back to her homeland, Quadling Country.

But it’s not a green road leading to the Emerald City – although I suppose the Yellow Brick Road could be passing right through Emerald City on its way to Winkie County. Emerald City really would benefit from a ring road. Anyway, Jamie in Switzerland casts doubt upon the likelihood of the red brick road fetching up anywhere:

As The Wizard of Oz was one big dream sequence, surely the red brick road didn’t go anywhere, as the end of it was never dreamt about by Dorothy.

IT’S A DREAM? I thought it was a documentary! Time to reevaluate my expectations of Australia.

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••• ANSWER ME THIS! RETURNS ON 13th OCTOBER; IN THE MEANTIME, CLICK HERE TO CATCH UP ON EPISODES •••

Oh frabjous day, calloo callay! Glad tidings come from Rikki from Dunfermline:

On episode 173 you mentioned Homebase was out of Easter Island heads.

Thought I’d give you the heads up that we have them in stock now. Enjoy.

Praise Jesus, Buddha, Xenu and all the Middletons!

These would look great next to my recycling bins

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••• ANSWER ME THIS! RETURNS ON 13th OCTOBER; IN THE MEANTIME, CLICK HERE TO CATCH UP ON EPISODES •••

You surely remember young Owl City fan Rachel from Dudley from AMT186:

Just wanted to say that the Owl City gig was incredible and we had a fantastic time! We managed to get on the front row through going down the side, so thank you for the advice. We also threw the owl and it landed next to Adam, but he didn’t pick it up.

Sidenote: Owl City fans are called the ‘Hoot Owls’.

Useful to know, in the event that someday I become one.

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** Click here for Episode 190 **

This week received approximately 10,000 variations upon the following email:

Have you seen these new NASA pictures of the moon landing site?

They make a mockery of what you said in AMT177!!!!1!!11zomg!!

To which we say: a) yes, thankyou; b) no they bloody well don’t! To recap, we answered the following question from Richard from Dronfield:

In a world where we have amazing powerful telescopes and imaging technology that can see clearly to far corners of our universe and spy out evidence of potential life in far of galaxies, how come nobody has ever produced a half decent photograph of the moon landing sites from Earth, pointed out that we blatantly have left our junk on the moon and then waved this smoking gun evidence it in the faces of all the annoyingly persistent moon landing Conspiracy Monkeys.

You see what he says there, in that question that we answered as it was asked? ‘From Earth’. FROM EARTH. Not from the Lunar Reconnaissance Orbiter a mere 13 miles from the moon’s surface, which gives it an advantage of approximately 221,450 miles. So you can shut your jeering taunting faces, or we will come round to your house (or workplace) and shove the Hubble telescope into YOUR lunar module.

And even when/if someone does manufacture an earthbound telescope good enough to see every crumb of soil in the imprint of Neil Armstrong’s moonboot, it still won’t disabuse those ‘Conspiracy Monkeys’ of their irrefutable notions. Even if you went to the trouble of taking them all the way to the moon on a flight simulator followed by a fake moon set in a disused TV studio, you’ll never convince them that the Apollo missions went anywhere near the Magic Space-Plate, especially not in the face of the overwhelming evidence that it’s just a large round billboard propped up near the flat earth’s rim.

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