Here’s the illustration required for Toby from Inverness’s question in AMT198:
Click to make it bigger, because it is of course important to read the small print.
UPDATE: it’s a fake? And not even an original fake? Must try harder, students of St Andrews.
It sounds like Cassidy here has a severe case of malaise:
I am a second-semester junior at a small liberal arts college in the US. I’ve always gotten (very) good grades, but I’ve been gradually realizing that they really don’t mean shit to me, I’m not interested in my chosen course of study, and have no desire to be here.
It has gotten incredibly easy to convince myself to sleep in rather than go to class, make myself a snack instead of go to class, or to read or play computer games or anything else rather than go to class. This is affecting my grades, and I do not care.
How awful would it be to just drop out/take a year off then transfer someplace not nearly as expensive to finish up a bachelor’s degree? I had a fairly shitty part-time job over the past summer, and doing simple work there was far, far more satisfying than readings and classes and writing papers, despite being tedious and probably doable by a reasonably talented six-year-old.
I’m worried it’ll be very difficult to get a job, however, without being an actual college graduate, even though I really wouldn’t be too picky about the work. And no, I don’t think I’d have the same issue going to work as I do with going to class- I have a job here and have never had trouble going, and I never had trouble going to my job back home. Knowing that my presence and effort is actually needed for things to work out there is very different from just being one person in a class.
Answwer me this: what should I do?!?!
Readers, please go to the comments and give Cassidy some of that copper-bottomed A-grade advice you’re so good at.
Meanwhile, Cassidy, here’s my ha’ppeny worth: while at the moment you think you find shitty work satisfying, in 20 years’ time it will have broken you. Whatever you decide to do, keep your future options as open as possible; and if you can’t transfer courses or colleges, the best option may be to grit your teeth and sticking with the current situation for another couple of years. Unappealing as this might seem presently, once you’re on the other side it will seem trifling.
Real-life example: our very own Martin the Sound Man. Halfway through his doctorate in quantum physics (yes, he has one; we like our sound men to be ridiculously over-qualified), he was ready to chuck in the whole thing. But for want of more pleasant options, he shouldered on for another two years, and lo, he was crowned Doctor Martin Austwick, so all the pain was worth it in the end.
Then he went and temped in a call centre for a year, but that’s another story.
Irish dancing has a defender, in the form of its newest fan Lesley from Forest Hill:
I just started taking Irish Dancing lessons. In my long 4 weeks’ experience, I can confidently say that there are no arm movements because the foot part is so complicated, your brain would explode if they tried to add anything more.
Incidentally, Irish Dancing is amazing fun. I’m completely allergic to all forms of exercise, but this class makes me actually willing to be all sweaty!
It’s true; whenever I’ve been to ceilidhs, they’ve been far funner than aerobics classes, and about 20 times more taxing. Seriously, I was worried that my friend Tom’s heart was going to burst in the middle of a 60th birthday ceilidh. Yet oddly, all the octogenarians present were hopping around as unflushed as daisies. What’s their secret?
Chris from Cardiff, Australia has also written in to stick up for the underdog:
I just thought I’d say that Canberra is actually quite a nice place to go to – as long as you have an interest in politics or museums. There are tons of great museums and exhibition buildings. As a person whose childhood holidays were either (a) camping in the rain, or (b) museum-hopping, Canberra is an veritable haven of enjoyment.
Canberra hosts “Questacon” (an amazing interactive science museum), the High Court (where you can sit in on hearings), parliament house (‘where your federal MP will be happy to give you a tour’), the mint, the Australia Museum, the War Memorial (which has some amazing exhibitions), the Federal Police Museum, and a heap of other interesting and cool things.
If, however, your idea of a good holiday is sitting on the beach or getting blotto, then Canberra is not the place for you.
I shun beaches and blottificaiton, so maybe Canberra IS the holiday for me! I’m booking my tickets pronto.
This medical circumcision business seems endless [pun intended]. Let’s rattle through the emails we’ve received on the matter, and if you have any further suggestions for people who are anticipating or recovering from the snip, add them in the comments.
We’ll kick off with a couple of ideas for explaining away your post-operative crotchpain, the first from Mike:
Just say you had a hernia op on your groin, very common amongst men and produces a similar limp, make sure to do a quick search on hernias in case of any awkward questions though.
If you are disinclined to lie, heed the advice from Adam:
I had a medical circumcision too, but I was 3 at the time so it wasn’t much of a problem with telling friends. All I remember is not being able to pee, so I had to go to hospital to have it removed.
But if I’m ever discussing with my friends about who’s been in hospital and for what, then I say that I’ve become an honorary Jew or anatomically Jewish. They normally understand what I mean without actually saying what I had done.
Readers, it sounds like Alasdair here needs your comfort and reassurance:
Does it hurt when you get a circumcision? And I heard that you can’t masturbate after it. It would be great if you answered this because I don’t want to ask anyone else.
Maybe you don’t even need to have one, Alasdair – Mark has possible alternatives:
Circumcision isn’t always needed for a tight foreskin. There is a support group called Norm (www.norm-uk.org) that advises on alternatives, such as stretching, or even a frenuloplasty – which is a cutting of the band that often restricts the foreskin from retracting. This keeps the foreskin intact, but relieves the tightness.
I’ve got a friend who wasn’t able to retract his foreskin until he was in his 30s – but after using some of the stretching advice on the website he was able to do so.
I’ve now stretched my foreskin-related attention span to its limit, but if your interest is piqued, I recommend you read Talking Cock
Can you believe it, Answer Me This! is rapidly approaching its fifth birthday? So please help us celebrate by sending us a card! Here is our postal address:
Answer Me This!
PO Box 53587
London
SE19 9BQ
We will be thrilled to receive your missives, and are sharpening the paper-knives in expectation.
A soon-to-be familiar scene at the AMT letterbox
Hello chums,
Since last we met, both Silvio Berlusconi and Justin Bieber’s not-babymomma have forsaken their respective meal tickets. They’ve got lots in common – dishonesty; revolting-sounding sexual encounters with minors – so maybe, now they’ve got all this free time on their hands, they should team up and make a podcast! There’s plenty room for another mixed-gender odd couple podcasting duo other than us.
But until they take the plunge, here’s Answer Me This! Episode 197 to keep you amused, although it is entirely lacking in bunga bunga and Bieber-boffing:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
On today’s slate are topics including:
garra rufa fish
Malcolm McLaren
the Boomtown Rats
hungover squash vs. hungover luge
Martin Scorcese vs. Caravaggio
Jim Davis vs. Michelangelo
Sydney vs. Melbourne
New York City vs. Welwyn Garden City
the American Cinema Editors’ Union
chef’s chequered trousers
the Thames beach
Philip Green
existential angst in the H&M fitting rooms
and
The Naughtiest Girl in the School
Plus: Olly taps into the goldmine that is writing Garfield strips; Helen recalls the time when, for one night only, she was Oliver Reed; and Martin the Sound Man refutes the notion that the Sex Pistols were little more than four vomit-spattered Gareth Gateses.
This week’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App concerns the Scarlet Pimpernel of fast food: that damned elusive McDonald’s McRib. They seek it here, they seek it there, but you may seek it on iDevices or Android.
Meanwhile, we seek your QUESTIONS: please deposit your inquisitive voicemails on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877, Skype answermethis) and email queries to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
See you next Thursday,
Helen & Olly
Last week, when Chris from Dundee was wondering how to divert attention from his post-circumcision limp, we invited you to recount how you’d fibbed away your ailments. Says Vikki:
You asked listeners how they have explained their ailment. When I was 16 I had to use a wheelchair for long distances due to neurological condition M.E. Most accepted this but some did not, so I would go on to explain I drink too much and need a wheelchair to get home after a night out. I stuck a sign on the back of my wheelchair saying “I’m not disabled, I just drink too much” – sadly I forgot to remove this sign when attending the ChildLine awards!
Anything to brighten the mood at the ChildLine awards, right? I’ve never been, but I’m imagining the evening is light on jokes.
On a not-jokey note, readers, Vikki runs a charity called Post Pals, which seeks people to write emails and cards to ill kids. So head over to her website, then uncap that fountain pen and commence correspondence. Although please remember to keep it cleaner than the correspondence you send to us. Ahem.
Here’s some elaboration upon the Adventures of Bash with his pocketful of Ash Cash:
I would like to point out that my efforts with the nurse was successful. But it did massively get me back – as who’d imagine a girl with a) no standards and b) alcohol dependency issues would have massive amounts of baggage? In the end I could have got the same result with a happy hour pint of snakebite and black, and not hardback copies of the Harry Potter, Narnia and Black Cauldron series, which cost a fucking bomb.
On a lighter note, my friend once felt he’d been screwed out of a crem form by another junior doc. She was very religious with a huge number of superstitions. My friend (and I stress it isn’t me) casually asked her about the body. On hearing that the corpse had its eyes open, my friend informed her that if the eyes aren’t shut, the person ‘CAN NEVER REST’, and as a result will haunt the said junior doc. She almost had a nervous breakdown before it was sorted. Especially when she found the body had been cremated.
God I miss those happy days.
Yes, too bad you had to grow up and become a pillar of society, Dr Bash.
Our next correspondent, Jack, appears to be dickmatised:
I have a moral quandary. I met a boy last year, and we had a series of hook-ups (not really dating) until he came clean and told me he had a boyfriend. At that point I ended it.
Several months ago he called and told me he’d broken up with his boyfriend, we then started hooking up again. He’s now got a new boyfriend…
What Do I Do?! Is it his problem, given he is a serial cheater, or should I be feeling guilty?????
Well, the moral imperative is his, as he has obligations to the boyfriend whilst you do not. However, he’s evidently not particularly attentive towards moral imperatives; whereas you ended the not-relationship once before because he had a boyfriend. What is different this time round?
The more important question is why are you bothering with this man anyway? Even if ‘chronic infidel’ is what you look for in a guy, he shouldn’t be causing your conscience to suffer pangs. Find somebody else to hook up with, because we’ve seen what happens to the Other Man in Unfaithful, and it doesn’t look appealing.
Penny from Fetcham, Surrey is throwing down quite the gauntlet here:
Why are people SO amazed by Stonehenge? It’s big, but it’s not that big, and it got there by being rolled on other big stones. Wow.
There’re lots of similar stone circles in France anyway, and they don’t make a massive deal of it over there.
I’ve always been underwhelmed by it. So answer me this:
Why should I be impressed by Stonehenge?
Erm…because it’s ancient and mysterious? Because it really livens up a trip along the A303? Because without it, there would be no Carhenge?
Readers, flock to the comments and explain why Stonehenge is the shit, or, if you agree with Penny, why it is just shit.
Ladies! Are you looking for love? Love AND homemade cake? Billy from London could be the man of your dreams:
I am a twenty-something guy, and I have recently discovered the joys of baking. I wouldn’t say I was an expert: more an enthusiastic novice who has managed to master a few basic cake and muffin recipes.
I am also single and am actively looking for a girlfriend. As a result, I am doing my best to promote myself and my many talents to members of the opposite sex.
Please answer me this: Should I advertise my baking skills to dates and potential girlfriends? Will they see it as charming and cute, or will they automatically assume that I’m gay and lose interest? Alternatively, might they feel threatened by my venture into what is traditionally seen as a female activity?
Woah, Billy, woah! You were doing really well at looking like an adorable and modest prospect, until you introduced the notion that baking is for gays and girls, and furthermore that feminism has failed to such an extent that the ladies might object to you encroaching upon ‘their territory’. Are you still reeling from the earful you received when you turned up at Greenham Common in 1982, whipped out a bra and set fire to it, then as it burned exclaimed, “That wasn’t so hard, gals, I don’t know why you’re making such a fuss about everything. Is it because you’re all on your rags?”
Concentrating on the first part of your question: I don’t see why you wouldn’t. Unless you’re only dating coeliacs.
You guys are probably already camping on the pavement outside the cinema waiting for Twilight IVa: They Finally Boff. However, if you have a little room left for things other than Bella’n’Edward, allow it to be filled by Answer Me This! Episode 196:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
There are no babies chewing their way out of wombs in the episode, but there is talk of:
Frozen Planet
Riverdance
fun with magnesium
Scooby Doo: talk show host
Sammy Davis Jr vs. Jimmy Constable from 911
Akon vs. Shakespeare
flapjacks vs. fun cakes
Scrappy Doo vs. Scampi
candles vs. ‘wax-filled tins’
Sophie Wilcox
scaring off the Mongol army
The Works
Mario Balotelli
the scent of Jelly Belly
and
medical circumcision.
Plus: [Olly] Mann cannot live on raw cake-mix alone; Helen did not spend her childhood in the back of the wardrobe with Aslan; and Martin the Sound Man wishes the whole world was scented with synthetic rhubarb.
This week’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App (available on iPhone, iPad or Android) is a treatise on Movember, starting with Martin’s recent facial deforestation, and ending up at Craig David’s current career choice, via Robert Mugabe and Halle Berry, because where else could such a discussion possibly go?
Next week’s episode is going nowhere without your QUESTIONS, so send them in: leave voicemails on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877, Skype answermethis) or write emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
See you next Thursday,
Helen & Olly
Answer Me This! Podcast 