Helen Zaltzman

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EPISODE 57 – like Dictionary Corner, but for wanking

June 5, 2008

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Today is a dark day, listeners. We never, ever thought it would come to this. Perhaps we were naive or short-sighted, or downright delusional…oh God, it’s so hard to know how to tell you this, but we’re just going to have to say it:

Answer Me This! Episode 57 contains a Football Fact.

We hardly even know who we are any more.

To make up for the aforementioned Unspeakable Outrage, the Fact that Dare Not Speak Its Name, this week we also offer:

The Iron Lady
nachos
Hector Castro
the lost month Sextilis
Anita Dobson
car-smuggling
Ingrid Tarrant
Barry Crocker
protein-folding for dummies
Tony Hatch
Ritalin
Roger Rabbit
the dark days pre-Hollyoaks
David Gray
Windows Vista
and
fat.

Plus Olly tries his hand at 80s political satire; Helen is distracted by her own brilliance; and Martin the Sound Man refuses to share his blood. What a selfish rotter! Some of us are thirsty, dammit!

We’ve been amused this week by the number of spam emails we’ve received entitled ‘You have a stupid face answermethispodcast’ (can’t deny it…), but we’re even more amused by the wonderful QUESTIONS you bunch of champions have been sending us this series, so please continue to entertain and intrigue us by emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, phoning 0208 123 5877 or Skypeing answermethis. They brighten up our days no end.

See you next week!

Helen and Olly

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X marks the spot (of your sloppy kisses)

June 3, 2008

Regarding Phil’s question about the letter ‘x’ denoting kisses in Episode 56, we have received an intriguing new theory on the matter from the lovely Louise:

The letter ‘x’ when said phonetically sounds a bit like this –

“kss”

This is very similar to the word ‘kiss’ which is said like this –

“kiss”

Hmm – certainly doesn’t seem too far-fetched, Louise. But as the origins of ‘x’ as symbol of affection remain undecided, have any of the rest of you got plausible theories for it? Let us know, and through teamwork this mystery can be vanquished.

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EPISODE 56 – the only link between Schindler’s List and Bad Santa

May 29, 2008

Listeners, you’ve done us proud. Droves – droves! – of you have written in to identify Mark from Essex’s mystery tune from last week, and even the late Maria Callas has got it on the brain, as you can see from the above video. So, thankyou very much to everyone who stepped into the breach to quell his curiosity; you all win a prize! Each of you gets a super-special copy of Answer Me This! Episode 56, which adheres to the following agenda:

the clappers
Brick, rodent-style
fake vegetarians
Airwick
coltan
True Lies
bicarbonate of soda
sexy Saxons
Missy Elliot’s Ferrari bed
Tasers
mouse-murder
Olly’s landing strip
and
θ.

Plus, Olly mines a new source of squeamishness; Helen is cold and heartless in correspondence; and Martin the Sound Man explains why you are morally obligated to eat chickens just so the hawks don’t get them. He blames EVERYthing on those pesky hawks.

And, even though the world is fast running out of crude oil, tigers and WW1 veterans, it appears to have no shortage of QUESTIONS; so please send us yours by emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, phoning 0208 123 5877 or Skypeing answermethis.

See you next week – and in the meantime, see below for a Meat Loaf refresher course.

Helen and Olly
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EPISODE 55 – thanks, little schizophrenic friend!

May 22, 2008

Hello pals!

Tracksuits? Lucozade? Brushing one’s teeth? Sounds like Answer Me This! is on a health kick in Episode 55! But don’t worry, we’re as wheezing and lardy as ever, as you can hear for yourself. Star-jumping their way through this week’s ear-workout are such topics as:

the new Answer Me This! badges!
Eddie Izzard
tuck boxes
PVA glue
Elizabeth Hurley
California
H&M Hennes
the Voice of Topman
Pennywise the Clown
and
the birthplace of the Industrial Revolution.

Plus, Olly reveals a disturbing admiration for the noises emitted by Celine Dion; Helen worries how to keep the team’s relationships purely professional; and Martin the Sound Man tries to pretend that his home town of Telford isn’t completely crap.

But we wouldn’t be able to have such larks if it weren’t for you and YOUR QUESTIONS, which you should submit to us by emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, phoning 0208 123 5877 or Skypeing answermethis. Few things could please us more!

See you next week,

Helen and Olly

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Attention! Mann on telly!

May 19, 2008

Aside from all the other Media Shizzle we’ve been up to lately, Olly will be on ITV’s This Morning on Tuesday 20th May around 11.25am! So tune in to see him chatting with the lovely Phil and Fern; or if you’re yet to hear him chatting with the not-so-lovely Helen and Martin the Sound Man in Answer Me This! Episode 54, click HERE.

** Update! You can now watch Olly’s appearance on This Morning HERE **

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EPISODE 54 – I could shag a dog any day of the week

May 15, 2008

It’s triple-party-time at Answer Me This!, for this week not only holds Olly AND Martin the Sound Man’s latest birthdays, but also the first episode of the new series! So rejoice thricely by listening to Episode 54.

And if our mouths were party poppers, flying out of them would be such streamers as:

canapés
Ruth Rendell
loyalty
Richard Bacon
Mark Curry
Paul O’Grady’s knick-knacks
tortoises vs. dogs
vanity sizing
The Thrills
the Cookie Monster
and
Nina Simone.

Plus, Olly doles out the sort of pet-care tips that can earn you a prison sentence; Helen attempts to revive the Bristol Sound, as if a third Portishead album wasn’t enough; and Martin the Sound Man messes up his Sunday best. Gosh, it’s like we’ve never been away…

It’s jolly nice of you to come back to see us after our break; it’s also jolly nice when you send us YOUR QUESTIONS for future episodes, so jolly well do that by emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com calling 0208 123 5877 or Skypeing answermethis.

See you next week!

Helen and Olly

PS. We’ve been gadding about on Sky News again in various guises – here are the details of our latest on-camera escapades.

PPS. Note to our non-UK listeners: Blue Peter is a magazine-format children’s TV show. (Contrary to the impression we might have given on this podcast, not every one of its presenter is named after a foodstuff.) Here’s some classic shit going down on it:

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New adventures on Sky

May 15, 2008

Yesterday Sky News broadcast the inaugural Sky News Unplugged, their new weekly talk show presented by Martin Stanford; and, along with UFO expert Nick Pope and MP Ian Cawsey, bassist in ‘the world’s only parliamentary rock group’ MP4, we were guests on it! You can WATCH IT HERE, or download it as a podcast; and if you’re keen to see more of us talking about stuff, then check out their Technofile podcast on Monday 19th, in which we reveal our top tips for making a podcast.

We’re also cropping up frequently on Sky News’s nightly Press Preview; you can catch Olly TONIGHT at 11.30pm, and Helen TOMORROW at 11.30pm. Tune in, if you’re not too absorbed by Jools Holland.

A regularly updated list of our exciting forthcoming telly appearances etc can be found here.

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Storm vs. Flash: the battle of the fancy middle names

May 15, 2008

The new series of Answer Me This! is mere hours away, yet there remains plenty of business still to be attended to from the previous series (yep, we’ve a bit lazy. We’ve had puzzles to complete, dammit!).

So let’s cut straight to the chase and take a look at the following email from Arianne, sent in response to Episode 51:

I’ve been amused recently by hearing about these people on your podcast who deliberately change their names to things like “Flash” and “Boom”. Unfortunately I was given at birth the middle name Storm (in addition to an already weird first name) – and bearing in mind the flak I received when I was younger and the horror that was my school years (partially thanks to the X-Men series of movies) I’m amazed that people actually choose to give themselves such names. But I suppose that when you get to adulthood names like this do seem to be more interesting to other people now they are older than they were when you were young. I don’t think people should be allowed to give themselves such “cool” sounding names once grown up without having gone through a childhood of misery first! You need to EARN it dammit!

So that’s you told, John Raspberry Clark and Eileen Flamingo Norris! Although, Arianne, you should feel a bit lucky; for if a middle name is not interesting, what’s the point of them at all? I would have much preferred mine to be something to do with weather systems, rather than just being given the moniker of whichever great-aunt had the least rubbish name. It was a pretty thin field. One of them is actually called ‘Toby’.

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Help! Has anyone seen New Zealand?

May 9, 2008

** Answer Me This! returns on May 15th; meanwhile click HERE to listen to the back catalogue **

We’ve received a rather distressing missive from Paul from Paengaroa in New Zealand:

I made the mistake of looking at the CNN website (I am not sure that it is truly putting a world perspective spin on news) and I was distraught to find out that they do not currently acknowledge New Zealand as part of the world. In fact they appear to have missed all of Australasia/Oceania in their Geographically named user interfaces.

This troubles me as I believe that I may now be living on a different planet as my living place is not included in the world. Please can you answer me this….has New Zealand moved to another planet?

Yikes. Is it global warming? Continental drift? Another vanishing trick by David Copperfield? Unfortunately from my sofa in Crystal Palace I’m not well-positioned to check on the current whereabouts of New Zealand; but if any of you are larking about in or near the southern Pacific, please let us know if Australasia is all present and correct so that we can put Paul’s mind at rest. Wherever it is!

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Have you seen this question? If so, please return to…

May 2, 2008

** Answer Me This! returns on May 15th; meanwhile click HERE to listen to the back catalogue **

I’ve an apology and a plea to make to an unknown questioneer. The other day I was clearing our spam folder of the several hundred messages offering to ‘enlarge the thing between your legs’ (the inseam of my trousers? No thanks, it’s an entirely appropriate size already). In the brief seconds between me clicking ‘Delete Forever’ and the spams being flushed away into the internet’s sewer-pipe, I noticed a proper email nestled among the wang-embiggeners, from someone possibly called Jessica, asking a question about Ray Liotta.

But by that point it was too late, and poor Jessica(?)’s question was consigned to a purgatorial eternity along with the money-scams and Hot Rude Babes.

Jessica(?), if you’re out there, please send us your Ray Liotta question again. Or, if you know Ray Liotta-fan Jessica(?), do beseach her to email us again at answermethispodcast@googlemail.com and perhaps it’ll be not too late to make it right.

Here, as Jessica-bait, is a picture of Ray Liotta:

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the Answer Me This! studios

April 30, 2008

** Answer Me This! returns on May 15th; meanwhile click HERE to listen to the back catalogue **

You listeners are endlessly wonderful. Not only do you send us all those questions we live to answer, but now pictures as well! Going straight onto the Answer Me This! fridge is this drawing by Alison from San Jose (click for a bigger image):

Alison writes:

As I listen to your podcast my mind makes up images of what the place you record in looks like. I decided to sketch out what I picture in my head. I have no idea if I’m right, though…what if your “recording studio” is really an old rec room or someone’s bedroom? What if you’re all just sitting around on a bed leaning over to share a computer microphone? I much prefer to picture you in a professional-type studio with fancy microphones, a laptop for quick research, and Martin in his own fancy sound booth. So Helen and Ollie, answer me this, what does your recording studio look like?

Alison, we hate to disappoint you, so let’s just say that our recording studio is even fancier than Mr Kipling’s French Fancies. It looks almost exactly like this, although you can’t quite see the 18-carat gold ceiling in this picture:

Oh, ok – our studio isn’t quite as snazzy as that one, but let’s keep Alison’s dream alive a little longer… Meanwhile, before we reveal the prosaic reality of Where The Magic Happens, if any of the rest of you feel like sending us a picture of what you think the studio looks like, we’d be quite delighted. Please email it to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, and we’ll post it up here, just like Tony Hart might have done if he hadn’t retired.

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Getting jig(saw)y with it…

April 30, 2008

** Answer Me This! returns on May 15th; meanwhile click HERE to listen to the back catalogue **

We may be off air for a month, but we’re still dedicated to helping you waste time. So, if you’re yearning for some pointless activity, go straight to our new Puzzle Page and have a nice doss around with our new Answer Me This! Jigsaws.

If jigsaws are not your thing, don’t worry – more sorts of games and puzzles will be added in the coming weeks, so fear not, all that nasty surplus time you’re burdened with will duly be taken care of.

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