Answer Me This! Podcast

** Click here for Episode 184 **

Our next correspondent Claire‘s life is just like the movies! By which I mean, Claire has a problem which is akin to one of the many problems Kristin Wiig has in Bridesmaids. No, she’s not a frustrated cupcake baker, or helplessly attracted to Chris O’Dowd; her difficulty is as follows:

My friend is getting married next year and I have just received my invitation to her hen “party”, the hen is taking place in Monaco at a 5* spa hotel and will cost us “hens” £400 for a 3-night stay (room share, no breakfast!), plus spend money so around £600ish all in.

The question is, do I spend this ridiculous amount of money on a 3-day trip, or do I use the money more wisely and put it towards my family holiday?

Brides (and grooms), pay attention. THE MADNESS STOPS HERE. Before grabbing your dearest friends to join you in your pre-marital adventures, imagine each of them has sent you a letter along these lines :

Dear [insert your own name here],

Congratulations upon your impending nuptuals. I am delighted for you, really I am. No, really! I’m sure the wedding will be great; I am very much looking forward to drinking myself into oblivion at it, after having made an ill-judged pass at your most attractive cousin.

But I digress! For I wish to take this opportunity to remind you of this important point: you are not the first person ever to get married, nor will you be the last. I recognise that this is the premium opportunity in your life to become as self-absorbed/neurotic/OCD as you like and get away with it.

However, the world has not ceased spinning on its axis, and I, your friend (remember?), continue to be a fully-fledged human being, not reduced to your fawning acolyte. So please bear that in mind, assuming your mind is not entirely occupied by table-plans and matching cravats.

Now, of course I would be thrilled to celebrate the sunset of your singlehood with you at your stag/hen party [delete as appropriate]. But before you invite me, let the record show that I have the right to refuse to attend if:
1. I will be required to devote more than 48 hours of my life to the enterprise. Including recovery time.
2. I will be required to travel more than 4 hours each way.
3. I will need a passport to go there.
4. I will need a medical or vaccinations to go there.
5. I will be required to wear any item of fancy dress for more than one hour.
6. I will have to shell out more than £100, or the value of one week’s rent, whichever is lower. My cordial disposition towards you will diminish in direct proportion to the price you are putting on your company.
7. I have to worship at the altar of You more than I would if you were having your 21st, 40th and 100th birthdays all at once.
8. all your other friends are arseholes.

Those are my conditions. If, therefore, you decide to invite me on your stag/hen and I refuse on any of the above grounds, please do not be offended, or take it as a personal slight. Of course I still like you and value you highly; I’m just too poor or too busy or have some more important shit to do. However you fully ought to expect me to turn up to your wedding, on time and suitably attired, unless prevented by only the most extreme crises.

Love’n’hugs,

[insert name of friend here]

Wave that in front of your bride-friend’s face, Claire – you might want to soften up the wording here and there, but overall stick to your guns. If she really wants you to spend £600+ on a weekend in Monaco, you have the right to insist upon no less than a manicure from the reanimated Grace Kelly herself and a piggy-back around the perimeter of the principality from Charlene Wittstock.

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This entry was posted on July 27, 2011 at 10:49 pm and is filed under extracurricular questions. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.