Woman receiving roses online
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Having been in the same relationships since the heyday of dial-up, none of us is qualified to answer the following questions; so if you’re a seasoned internet dater, we’d be very grateful to you if you’d shimmy over to the comments to advise the following questioneers.
Liam, 27, from London writes:
I’ve recently jumped back into the dating pool after having been in a relationship for the past 8 years, and like many people of my age group I’ve been using online dating to help me meet new people. Yesterday a girl that I’ve gone out with a few times (and gotten to know in the biblical sense) posted a picture on Facebook with one of her friends who I recognised as someone that only a day earlier I had matched with on Tinder.
So answer me this: What is the etiquette here? Should I tell the girl I’ve been seeing that her friend and I have both looked at pictures of each other and said “Yes I would?” Should I block the friend on Tinder in case things with this girl go well and hope that she doesn’t recognise me should we ever meet? Or should I gamble on the higher likelihood of them not making the connection together and just do nothing at all?
This doesn’t seem particularly controversial – or are we showing our Tinder innocence?
Daniel in West Sussex also requires your assistance:
Over the past few months after thinking about my current single status and lack of girls in my life I’ve reluctantly begun using the popular dating app Tinder.
Although I’ve made sure the pictures are the best they can be and had them approved by a friend and despite getting several matches over the past few months, I’ve not managed to have a two way conversation with any of them. I’ve tried saying the standard “Hi, how are you?” And even moved to the more imaginative, “Hi, great to meet you. How’s your day going?” I’ve had literally no response from any of these women. I think the trouble is I can’t really think of anything that I think might be appropriate to send that may get a response.
So answer me this: what could I say to someone on Tinder that might get a response and a conversation going? And is there anything I could possibly do to get more matches? Only had six in the past few months.
Go on. These people need you to be the Virgil guiding them through the nine circles of Tinder.
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Tags: dating, online dating, Tinder
Answer Me This! Podcast 
October 15, 2015 at 7:34 am |
My opening gambit on Tinder was Great British Bake-Off shag/marry/kill. Worked every time. Claire.
October 14, 2015 at 2:36 am |
I did on-line dating for a few years, including Tinder, and so have one or two thoughts that might help.
First, Liam: I think the way to be guided here is by how you feel about the woman you’ve started sleeping with, and how you think it might go. If you like her, I’d move away from Tinder and so on, because otherwise she’ll think you aren’t serious. Her friend might have forgotten or swiped yes in error (sorry, but it does happen). It is also possible that the might have talked to your squeeze about it, but the chances are if she has, you’ll know about it by now anyway…
The point about Tinder being less than really serious might also help Daniel. In my experience, the women on Tinder fall into three categories. Either they have been single for a while and are seeing what’s out there, are in a stale relationship and are seeing what’s out there, or they have just come out of a relationship, are feeling worn out, want to have some fun and are enjoying the freedom to see what’s out there. I don’t think any of the women I spoke to on Tinder were very serious about dating or being in a relationship.
The other thing to note is that women tend to get a lot of attention on dating sites. I too made an effort tro send messages, but I didn’t really get anywhere. Something like 1 in 10 or 15 of the first messages I sent out was responded to. I wondered where all the messages were going and thus what it was like for women on there. So, a female friend and I set up a fake account. This confirmed what should have more easily predicted: a torrent of messages and interest from men of all kinds. Most of the messsages were ‘Hi how are you’. Some gave it more thought, but many wore their literacy very lightly and others were just off the mark (one said ‘did you know that the difference between an orange and a lemon is just one molecule that’s a mirror image?’ Even if that wasn’t obviously wrong, who is likely to be impressed by it…?). There were almost none from men who had made an effort with their profile and written a message that was obviously to the person in the profile. One thing I learnt from this was to make sure it was pretty obvious that I was writing a message to just the person on the receiving end. The approach I used was to pick out something about the profile that interested me and that I thought the woman in question would be happy to talk about.
This way, it can be quite helpful not to have too many matches, as you don’t have too many nice messages to write. Bizarrely, I reckon that it may be that things are alright as they are regarding not too many matches, anyway. There are an amazing number of unsuitable women on there, and the matches are actually a good way of sifting out the unsuitables. So, unless your profile is irrepresentative of you, you’re probably getting the right matches. One way of checking this is whether the matches you do get are ones you really want. Whatever happens, don’t swipe yes to anyone you don’t want to see.
As Tinder is all aboutt he photos, you might want to check this a bit as well. You say a friend checked it–was it a relationship-savvy female friend? If not, get one who is to look at it. I did this and it did change my perception of what to put out there. Also, show a range of photos. Try to avoid ones where you’ve got women of childbearing age within groping distance of you, show ones of you doing something sporty or whatever, perhaps even where you aren’t aware of being photographed (so it looks ‘natural’). I also found a ‘cute’ photo of me as a toddler worked wonders–be careful fo that one though, if you get a date on that basis, you may hear a loud ticking from your date’s ovaries….
October 13, 2015 at 9:45 pm |
Daniel, sadly some people don’t respond for a multitude of reasons. They could be just using it as an ego boost or a bit of fun, they might be dating someone from tinder and still have the app. They could be terrible at responding because they have crap signal or they’re getting too many messages so they’re being selective about who they respond to…
The possibilities are endless, but I think the bigger issue here is that you’ve only had 6 matches in several months. Unless you’ve been extremely picky about who you’ve liked I’m going to guess that there is something off-putting about your profile and your friend is being too nice.
Truth be told, if you have a good body, I very much doubt that your problem is that you have too many topless photos or photos with the lads, so I don’t agree with what other people are saying.
Maybe the photos aren’t actually that flattering or you have a profile full of bathroom selfies making you appear to be really boring. In any case get a new friend (preferable female) to look at your profile and help you out and write a good short bio too. Use varied pictures, showing yourself in different settings and it’s good to have one or two photos with friends because it shows you have a social life.
Yes, do try and stand out with a clever conversation starter but a decent profile gets the matches in the first place. If you get some more matches, you can forget about the girls who don’t bother replying.
October 13, 2015 at 7:11 pm |
Tinder is an interesting aspect of the online dating world. The app is based on physical attraction before any kind of emotional connection.
For the first issue, I don’t think you should mention anything. If you start seeing the first girl in a monotonous way then you should stop using tinder and then if it comes up naturally in conversation you can mention her friend was also on there. Otherwise there’s no point, it’ll come across too strong, mentioning that you’re also talking to her friend during early stages implies you want this monogamous relationship as you’re expressing guilt for talking to someone else. So unless you’ve made a monotonous comitment I don’t think it’s worth mentioning.
For the second issue: try being more unique. Woman want to start a conversation in an interesting way. Open with a question or a joke. Most of my successes on tinder start off with a flirty joke.
October 13, 2015 at 9:14 pm |
I completely agree regarding Liam’s issue! Also remember it takes two to match, she liked you too. Unless it was some weird way of finding out if you were still active on tinder and she posted the photo to indeed let you know that she knows. In which case, stay away from them both.
October 13, 2015 at 6:41 pm |
Firstly, I was a singleton after a long relationship, and tried internet dating after 4 months of nothingness the “conventional” way. I met 2 ladies, and married one of them, so don’t let anyone tell you it’s wrong to internet date (like my ageing father did).
Right, Liam, if you and the girl have decided to be exclusive, then come off tinder and say it was probably a like from before you two got it on. If you’re not exclusive, then there’s no problem, you are allowed to use tinder (or any other app) and find other people with common interests that you just want to chat with in any case.
Daniel, the best way to get likes on tinder is not to have photos of you posing with your top off! Or bottles of alcohol showing how much you like to party, just have regular snap shots of you bein happy and smiling, maybe throw in a couple of ones showing what activities you like, you playing rugby, you on the beach (rule one still applies on a beach). But don’t have too many photos, 5 is about right, people don’t want you life history. Keep your blurb about yourself short and sweet, make them ask to find out more. And when trying to be the one to break the ice, read the girls profile or look at all her photos and single something out that you can comment on, “wow you’ve been to such and such a place” ….”oh my weren’t you scared at that snake?” Don’t be boring is the key here! Grab her in your first sentence, then reel her in, land her, and move onto the next! BOWCHICA WOW WOW CHIKKA CHIKKA! Or be a gentleman and find the love of your life.
Happy dating
Steven
October 13, 2015 at 5:24 pm |
Liam – they know. RUN.
Daniel – Unfortunately sometimes people don’t respond to even a polite hello. It sounds boring but just keep trying – honestly, it’s better than coming up with a cheesy line or just bombarding your matches.
Re getting more matches via an awesome profile, there are a bunch of hints and tips out there on the web, but some of the better ones include a) include a picture of yourself relaxed and laughing – maybe at a wedding or party? (not laughing maniacally, obviously) – it’s genuinely more attractive than a posed shot b) avoid massive group shots of you and the LADS c) Don’t have a picture of yourself with your more attractive friends. It’s a bit “look what you could have had” d) NEVER EVER DO A SAD LONELY MIRROR SELFIE
Or – break all the rules and see if you can make em laugh. Hey, it’s tough out there. Might as well have fun with it.