shit on a dick




Here’s an appetite-suppressing question from Ciara from Dublin:

I’ve been trying to eat healthily for the past year to lose a bit of weight. Unfortunately that means bringing a lot of strange-looking and -smelling food into work, and getting a lot of weird stares and questions about my odd concoctions of quinoa and lentils.

Recently however, I have developed a food obsession that is rather obscene. I have become completely addicted to almond butter. That alone is ok, but the worst part of my addiction is that I like to eat it smeared on a banana. I lovingly call this “shit on a dick”.

This is fine when I freak my fiancée out at home eating my shit on a dick, banana smeared with almond butter. But I want to eat my banana-almond butter combo in work as well. I’ve taken to sneaking into the kitchen to eat it, but the worry that I’ll get caught is giving me an ulcer.

Answer me this:

Is there any way I can eat my shit on a dick in a socially acceptable manner?

You could start by giving it a name that DOES NOT INDUCE THE HEAVES.

Once you’ve done that, consider presentation. Which looks more pleasant: a whole banana smeared with a lumpy brown substance, or daintily-topped slices of banana that look like little beige canapes? Aesthetics may be the reason why a lot of people prefer to consume their banana and almond butter blended into a smoothie. But you’d just call that ‘diarrhoea’, Ciara, because you’re clearly not to be trusted.

Readers, have you suggestions for prettying up Ciara’s shitty dick snack? Share your classy ways in the comments.


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2 Responses to “shit on a dick”

  1. Cloggie (@CloggieGirl) Says:

    Put it on crackers. Almond butter first and then slices of banana.

    If you must eat this shitty dick whole, then wrap that thing up. A tortilla. A laffa. Naan. I don’t really care. If you wrap it up, you also reduce your risk of spreading anything, like smears of almond butter, around the office and your colleagues will thank you for that.

  2. Says:

    Slice the banana first? Spread the nut butter on bread or toast, cover with sliced banana, and, if one feels daring, drizzle a little honey on top. This is a treat that is anti-disgusting.

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