three score eggs



Readers, please go to the comments and answer this eggy question from Tilly from Newnham:

I have somehow wound up with 60 chicken eggs due to a mix-up at my local farm shop and I haven’t got the foggiest idea what I’m supposed to do with them.

So, answer me this: just what CAN you do with 60 eggs? I know I could make a substantial number of cakes and omelettes etc. But is there anything particularly interesting I could do with this number?

A one-night-only theatrical production of Cool Hand Luke. You’ll have ten spare eggs with which to rehearse.




8 Responses to “three score eggs”

  1. anon Says:

    Italian gelato! The best recipes use around eight yolks a pint, but feel free to try ten to twelve or more.

  2. Nick from Colorado Says:

    Off the Top of My Head:

    1. Practice balancing an egg on your head while doing daily activities
    2. Paint Stripper
    3. Lubricant (Just bee quick about it)
    4. Revenge (Throw down chimneys of enemies… etc.)
    5. Beefing up (Drink a few raw each morning before workout, I mean)
    6. Practice separating yolks from whites for future baking
    7. Donate them to a homeless shelter
    8. Easter in July! Or some nonreligious hide-the-egg party.
    9. Have some local children decorate them as an art project.
    10. Egg Drop (See Google)
    11. Try and stand them all on end at the same time and get into the book of world records
    12. Put them on a hill and have an egg race, betting on which will get to the bottom first.
    13. Follow the advice of the video and have an egg eating contest (Prepare for constipation)
    14. Wash your face with the whites. (Apparently a bit of egg on your face helps with the signs of aging)
    15. Carefully remove the shells, fill with dirt, grow 60 flowers.
    16. Put the shells around your garden in order to keep slugs away.
    17. Send them to me
    18. I think it was Olly who claimed you could get the contents out of a pinhole if you blow/suck just right. Prove him wrong/right.
    19. Draw faces on each and practice giving speeches if you have a fear or public speaking
    20. Learn to juggle the hard way
    21. Die the shells, and make a collogue thanking the mixed up farmer

    • Nick from Colorado Says:

      Sixty Six Ideas for Eggs:

      22. Hand them out to people on the street and take a survey as to how many accept.
      23. If you are 85+ years old you could give them to children as gifts and claim senility.
      24. Burry them out of respect for the potential chickens who shall never see the light of day. Invite friends to say a few respectful words while you cry.
      25. Use them as bate in some sort of animal trap.
      26. Freeze them, and have a really mean “snowball” fight.
      27. Develop, fake, or admit too (no judgments here) an eggy sexual fetish and work your way onto the Jerry Springer show. Free Airfare!
      28. Boil; go to posh restaurant; eat one at a time until they tell you to stop. Blog about the rudest posh restaurants in your local area.
      29. Put them in a basket and use them as lifting weights.
      30. Call the mixed up farmer and tell him there was a mistake you actually needed 120 eggs.
      31. Find a NASA like company and see if you can get the first egg shipped into space.
      32. Invite all your married friends over to have a swingers party. Write your partner’s name on an egg, pick a different egg, extramarital coitus.
      33. Make a bunch of anti-drug commercials, “This is your brain on crack” type deal
      34. Julia from Julia and Julia would probably make 60 different egg dishes and blog about it. You could do that.
      35. Leave them in a basket outside of one of those places you drop unwanted babies off with a funny note.
      36. Walk somewhere you’ve never been before, leaving an egg-trail to find your way back.
      37. Freeze, Thaw in October, Give them away for Halloween
      38. Find your local voodoo man who could use chicken eggs to combat evil during the waning moon.
      39. Set up shop lemonade style and sell them to passers by.
      40. The guy who ate only McDonalds for 30 days made millions. Film yourself eating only eggs for a while and hope for financial gain.
      41. Tell a child that if he/she holds it in his/her hand long enough a chicken will pop out, and see how long the stupid child believes you.
      42. Practice your lying by convincing a vegan you’ve discovered a miracle new plant that lays eggs: If they eat it you win.
      43. Invite your posh friends over and serve them an eggy dish but tell them you used peacock eggs; see how many of fake tasting the difference.
      44. Do what I would do and feel so overwhelmed by the situation that nothing actually gets done with the eggs. Then dispose.
      45. Do NOT practice your kegal s.
      46. Sexy Party Games – Try to convince others to see who can break the egg with odd parts of their bodies.
      47. Find out if eggs are flammable, if so write back for more ideas.
      48. Do you have access to the empire state building? If so, the answer is obvious.
      49. Name them, treat them as pets, and see which friend has the guts to call you a loon first.
      50. If you hung them from a tree in front of your house, that would be fucking creepy.
      51. Learn magic, magicians are always doing weird stuff with eggs.
      52. Ask Martin the Sound Man if he knows of any good science experiments with eggs.
      53. If the lock on your door is broken put them in front on the door at night to alert you when sometime tries to break in.
      54. Throw them at a wedding to demonstrate prosperity like when people throw rice and wheat.
      55. Work on your hand strength by trying to break them horizontally with your thumb and forefinger. It’s like, impossible.
      56. Tell children if they listen close enough they can hear the baby chicken clucking thereby disappointing and frustrating them.
      57. Do you own a sling shot? Have a slinging contest to see who can sling the egg the farthest.
      58. Tell a bald man *cough* Olly *cough* that if he rubs it on his head his hair will grow back.
      59. Give some to a pregnant couple to show them how hard it is to care for something delicate.
      60. Put on a disguise and conjure up a crazy accent and try to use them as currency. When denied, go on an angry rant about how in your country eggs are worth more than gold.
      61. Put food coloring in them and use them as a prop in a play.
      62. When committing your next crime, rub them on your hands to avoid fingerprints.
      63. Next time you call out of work plop them in the toilet for that real diarrhea sound.
      64. Rent one of those big smashy trucks with one large rolling pin thing on the front and feel the satisfaction of smashing things.
      65. See how long it takes eggs to explode in the microwave.
      66.Anonymously mail them to local politic al figures or celebrities and see if you can get the story on the news

  3. Felix Thomas Says:

    you could make a load of pickled eggs, then sell them as home made artisan pickled eggs, or eat them yourself if you like pickled eggs

  4. fegbarrm Says:

    Throw a big omelette party. Or make a series of large cakes and give one to each of your friends. Baked into each cake will be a riddle or clue. If they have the wherewithal to get together and work out between them what the clues all mean, they can win a prize!

    The prize can be the rest of the eggs.

  5. nicola Says:

    Try walking on them without breaking them

  6. Sandra Barber Says:

    You can give them back. They are disgusting reproductive slop that plop out of hens’ vaginas and should be banned. (I’m not normally a fascist by the way – just against eggs)

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