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Here’s a complex 21st-century problem from Steve:
My oldest and dearest friend is a lady who(m) likes ladies. In fact, she likes a specific lady, and has for several years now – to the point that they have been planning children together for a while. It has been my pleasure to watch them get together and grow as a couple. For me, the warmth, generosity and acceptance they demonstrate is the epitome of a loving relationship, and something I have emulated since. Ever since they got together it’s struck me as unfair that they were unable to pursue the opportunities that other couples have been able to pursue, simply because they were hetero, such as marriage and a family.
About 4 years ago, they asked me how I might feel about helping them have a family by supplying some… man-seed. Given that I knew no couple better placed to raise a family, and that they were never going to be able to do it on their own, I agreed. We went through a long process of ensuring that all of us understood the nature of my role. Definitely not a father, or even father-like, figure and the importance of clear boundaries and roles, with mine being minimal and an “interested family friend” at most. Everyone understood that it’s best for everyone, not least the child, that I keep a well understood distance. Based on this, I made my… contributions, and they paid for the process of storage and eventually IVF. They have recently had the exciting news they were pregnant.
So here is my dilemma. I have since met a girl myself, and she is lovely. She has known about the situation since our second date, and was initially fine with it. However as our relationship has progressed – and we have moved in together recently – her attitude has changed. In fact, she’s had a few “meltdowns” about it. We have talked about being parents ourselves, and both of us are looking forward to it – though she has a keen awareness of her own biological clock.
Here is my question: in the above sentence, should I have used the pronoun “who” or “whom”? Also, is it unreasonable for me to expect my lass to see the situation as I do, and how might I help her understand that my feelings about my friend’s family bares no relation to whatever family we might have?
1) ‘Who’, of course, as it is the subject of the verb in that construction.
2) The child whose life you enabled is shortly to enter this world, and there’s nothing your girlfriend can do to stop it, short of infanticide. We cannot condone infanticide, so she has two legal choices: reconcile herself to the situation, or jump ship.
Readers, have you any ideas how she might go about reconciling herself, or how Steve can assure her that she is his number 1 lady and that their potential children will certainly survive having a half-sibling? Pray, go to the comments to help him out.
Answer Me This! Podcast 
December 28, 2011 at 3:51 pm |
To post your photos of your cats to http://ollylookatmypussy.tumblr.com then e-mail me the photos at http://pussiesforolly@gmail.com. Sorry for being a spamy wanker, but if we get enough photos of your cat I’m sure Olly’s attention will be drawn. Please help.
December 19, 2011 at 11:43 am |
Surely if she is that insecure, then she isn’t the correct mate for you anyway? Dump her, find someone sane, and don’t mention the donor thing until later on in the relationship, or never. If she becomes aware of the child by accident, and questions why you withheld this information, just say “it’s not important to me” partnered with a half-shrug.
December 15, 2011 at 11:00 am |
Easy really. Invent a time machine & go back to your second date & stop yourself from telling her anything about it.
You may also want to check out the Men in Black film & see if you can borrow one of those things that make people forget stuff.
Let that be a lesson to you. With women all things are on a need to know basis only, they never forget & are likely to bring stuff like this up at any opportunity. Bless them
December 15, 2011 at 9:08 am |
I think you were correct to question the use of “who” or “whom” – too many people these days can’t be bothered with correct spelling, grammar, etc; indeed, many make up their own words & phrases (lol, m8, etc), so it is good to see the correct language being considered and applied.
December 15, 2011 at 9:05 am |
There’s a decent chance that when she meets little Johnny or Janey she’ll feel differently about it. Much easier to resent the abstract concept of a child than a specific, adorable, baby.
December 15, 2011 at 8:48 am |
I can’t understand what she’s upset about. You have already donated, and the couple do not want you as a “father figure”. If you were to have a family, all your attention would be on the kids you have with your partner. Should the situation stay like this, there will be no competition between your children and the friends’ for parental affection. Just like everyone would want, I imagine.
Also, does she understand the concept of being a lesbian? As in, all the affection your paired friends will give you will be the very definition of platonic? Yes, there’s a certain movie pictured above in which an affair took place, but that is just one life. A fictional one, at that. Your partner probably does not have to worry about a generous guy like you bailing on her in such a hurtful way.
But if you can’t change her mind about your noble deed, instead reassure her that she is the object of your affection, and will stay that way when children come into the picture. Maybe have her spend more time with your friends and see if it’s all just a misunderstanding. While I myself would prefer my significant other to get along swimmingly with my friends, maybe your partner and your friends just being able to understand each other will help you out in your situation.
December 18, 2011 at 12:20 pm |
This. All of it.
December 14, 2011 at 9:26 pm |
Ask her what her next step would be if she were in your shoes? Obviously you cant change what has already happened, regardless of whether or not you would want to. What’s her problem exactly? Is she jealous? Would she be like this if you had a child from a previous relationship? I think it will be different when the child arrives and she see’s that you’re not going to be handing out cigars in the hospital waiting room!
Alternatively tell her that you really cant see why she’s getting so upset about this one and that you could have tonnes of children out there from your teens who you don’t even know about!
December 14, 2011 at 8:50 pm |
At the end of the day, Steve and his lady friends made this decision before he had started dating this woman. Steve is his own person and made the fantastic choice to help two lovers have a child. If she can’t see what a great thing Steve has done, she should bugger off because there sure as hell isn’t anything else she can do about it.
My one suggestion, however, on how she should think about it is that if he had gone and donated sperm to a random lady he’d never see again, would she feel the same way? If she wouldn’t then she’s being a hypocrite. Steve isn’t a father to this child, he is a family friend who wanked in a cup.
January 21, 2012 at 5:51 pm |
wanked in a cup…
marvellous