••• ANSWER ME THIS! RETURNS ON 13th OCTOBER; IN THE MEANTIME, CLICK HERE TO CATCH UP ON EPISODES •••
Here’s a genuinely delicate question from Shaun, which describes a scenario that I think is considerably more commonplace than our bawdy modern society would admit:
For years, I dealt with crippling social anxiety. But now after dealing with it and finding medication that fixes it, I’m forcing myself out into the world.
Part of this involves dating. I’m in my late twenties and have never had a girlfriend or any sexual experiences. I remain hopeful, since I’m moderately attractive, hygienic, and not a (complete) asshole. I’ve just never been able to handle it socially until now.
So my question is this: how do I tell my date that I’ve no experience at all? I figured I would just mention it when it came up, but on the few dates I’ve had, it hasn’t. I’m not going to lie about it, and from what I’m told if I ever manage to have sex with someone my lack of experience will be pretty obvious.
So what do I do? “I won’t know what to do with you” isn’t really much of a pickup line.
I don’t know who you take me to be, Shaun, but I’m not much of a pickup artist either. However, readers, you’re a bunch of lady-magnets, so I look to you to provide useful advice for Shaun in the comments. Hurry! He’s been waiting long enough already.
Answer Me This! Podcast 
October 12, 2011 at 1:51 pm |
My current relationship is with a guy with no previous experience and it’s the best I’ve ever had by far. Just be honest, anybody worth it will understand.
October 11, 2011 at 10:07 pm |
Speaking as human, I find that the key thing in relationships is the connection that develops mentally and emotionally: Love, lust and “like-like” all grow in the brain, not the crotch, so be a nice guy and all will be well.
Don’t get me wrong, sex is a great part of any relationship, but first times are always going to be a little awkward anyway and sexual prowess is not a linear progression that grows entirely from experience regardless of partner. It grows with the relationship as you learn each other’s quirks, drives, and filthy, dirty fetishes.
October 7, 2011 at 1:23 pm |
There is a lot more to a relationship, be it old or new, than sex. I fear you may be giving it too much though, however, I am sure we can forgive you that as we have all been there at some point in our lives.
But let’s face it – you’re a blank canvas. Everyone loves that.
October 6, 2011 at 10:55 pm |
Is this been sent from a future version of me? I’m 21 and excasctly the same only I’m not brave enoughth to ask a girl out so at least u got far.
October 17, 2011 at 5:39 pm |
Don’t do you’re self done buddy!
October 6, 2011 at 3:04 pm |
If the woman you meet is a genuinely nice person, it shouldn’t matter. She should accept you, social anxiety and all. Just bring it up one or two dates in, and be honest.
Besides, most ladies are always trying to ‘fix’ or improve their significant other, so she might jump at the chance to ‘improve’ you sexually.
October 6, 2011 at 2:01 pm |
Honestly mate, I wouldn’t worry about it. There are worse things in the world than being crap at shagging. You’re an AMT listener, therefore you’re a geek, therefore you’re probably going to be far more competent than you’d think – being attentive and thoughtful counts for a great deal.
If you don’t know how to say that you’re a virgin, just be a bit oblique about it – tell her that you’re not very experienced and let her draw her own conclusions about exactly how inexperienced. The idea that women want some sort of sex god is a bit of a male fantasy; Most women love cute and vulnerable, as long as it doesn’t cross the line into pathetic and needy. You’ve got nothing to be ashamed of, so don’t act like you do.
My crystal ball tells me you’re probably going to be chasing after a nerdy girl off OKCupid, in which case she probably doesn’t have much to compare you against. In the noble English tradition you’ll probably be sufficiently nervous and awkward that you’ll get ratarsed first, in which case neither of you will remember much of it the next day.
Failing all that, raid the piggy bank, hire an escort and break your duck without any pressure to perform.
October 6, 2011 at 12:51 pm |
I agree, take it slowly and let things develop naturally. No need to say anything up front, wait and see what happens!
Also, see if you have an amenable friend who will teach you how to kiss. This is an excellent first step 🙂
October 6, 2011 at 11:47 am |
Unless you were intending on getting straight down to it after a first date, can’t it wait a few until you’re both more comfortable with each other? My boyfriend had had very little experience and we talked about it after we’d been out four times; we were 28 at the time. He was just straight-forward about it, although it did come out of a conversation about (my) exes.
I have a lot of friends who’ve been in similar situations as well and if you like each other then it’s a lot smaller issue than it seems now. It can be a good thing too. I can’t speak for all women, but it’s actually been a lot of fun to be with someone who wanted to take time to learn about what I liked rather than someone who just assumed they knew what they were doing but actually left me cold.