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The seed of Joey

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The infernal 90s revival is gathering pace, judging by the number of questions about Friends we’ve been getting. Yes, here’s another! It’s from Conor from Ireland, who I predict will write in next week to find out whether Elastica’s second album will be worth the wait and if Monica Lewinsky is lying. He says:

How many children would Joey from Friends statistically be likely to have, bearing in mind that condoms only work like 97% of the time?

Also bearing in mind that Joey and his assorted sexual partners might not be 100% mindful of contraception. But, on the other hand, his boxy 90s jeans may have inhibited his sperm production so he’s firing LeBlanks.

I’d estimate Joey’s average procreation rate to be halfway between Lil Wayne and Mick Jagger, at maybe one child per every 4-7 years of sexual activity. However, given how hard up they were for plot over the years, I’m sure that had Joey produced any children, they would have been dredged up for at least one two-episode arc. So I think we must assume that he did not. Remember too that Joey is subtly portrayed as Reeeeally Stoopid, so his much-boasted sexual encounters might merely involve him dry-humping the windowsill then falling asleep sucking his thumb whilst the ladies watch and take notes for the biannual reviews of his community care order.

Furthermore, recent research* suggests that Joey’s promiscuity is less great than one imagines. Take a look! There’s a table and everything.

* Of the MEGA-NERDY variety! Gosh, even I expend my spare time more productively. And I once made a fully inflatable giant Boggle set.

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This entry was posted on September 20, 2011 at 11:41 pm and is filed under extracurricular questions. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.

3 Responses to “The seed of Joey”

  1. strangely's avatar strangely Says:
    September 27, 2011 at 4:55 pm | Reply

    it can’t just be me who really wants to see the Boggle set…

  2. Orpon's avatar Orpon Says:
    September 23, 2011 at 2:41 pm | Reply

    A while ago you discussed why no one rides a zebra. The reason to the zebras worthlessness in carrying humans och humanshaped objects is because they are not pack animals. They may gather in large herds on occasion but they lack the hierarchic structure that most other domesticated animals wild counterparts live by. Since they’re not programmed to follow a leader, they won’t obey us either.

    Also, their backs are brittle.

    / Orpon the swedish zebra expert

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