Pachidermy Taxidermy

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** Click here for Episode 188 **

It’s sobering to think that the stuff with which we have delightedly surrounded ourselves may one day be a hideous rod for our descendents’ backs. Amy from Carlisle‘s ancestral haul has a particularly grotesque bent:

Last episode you discussed an inherited frozen shark’s head. My family have also recently become the custodians of various dubious animal body parts inherited from my Gran. My six-year-old nephew is now the owner of a stuffed baby crocodile, and a pair of antelope leg table lamps are now residing in our attic.

However, my dad is insisting on keeping the elephant’s foot on display. It has two drawers cut into it but with no key we have no idea what, if anything is inside it.

It’s best you never open those drawers – judging by Gran’s other possessions, you’ll only be saddled with her collection of embalmed voles.

Still, if you do find yourself saddled with a heap of dead exotic animal-bits, you might as well make the best of it. Here’s a tip from Andy from Boston:

The listener who found the shark’s head in their grandpa’s freezer might have found it at exactly the right time. It’s late summer, and all across the country, people are returning from awful vacations.

Think of it this way: on your first day back at work, when everyone’s asking you what you did on your one week off, the last thing you want to tell them is the truth. “I finally cleared out all of the raccoon nests in the crawlspace above my garage, and I also bought all the ingredients for a paella I saw a chef make on The Food Network but I never actually made the paella.”

Wouldn’t you much rather come back and tell everyone, “I was forced to defend myself against an attack by a massive shark! Just get a load of THIS!”

And then you roll up your sleeve or your trouser leg and show off a fresh, unmistakable, and awesomely cool wound. It is unlikely that you will have to pay for your own lunch that day or any other day that week, so long as you keep embellishing your story.

That’s got to be worth a fifty dollar fee and a few minutes’ intense discomfort to anyone. Your listener has a narrow window of opportunity for a very lucrative business, if they can get the marketing right and also get as many clients in as possible before the shark head starts to really stink.

I’m serious: this is a license to print money and if they don’t use this idea, I will.

I admire your business acumen, Andy, but where are you going to find a frozen shark’s head in the Boston area at short notice?

Although, come to think of it, some of the potato waffles have been in our freezer so long, they could probably inflict as nasty a wound as a shark’s tooth, if not handled with due care.

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