** Click here for Episode 176 **
Here’s a question from Harriet from Camberley, who will be wearing wellie boots 24/7 henceforth:
I was recently in a lift at one of the underground stations when an old man stood right next to me. As there was only the two of us in the lift I was a little concerned. And concerned I should have been as he promptly urinated down his trouser leg and onto my sandals.
So answer me this: What is the correct etiquette when someone pisses on your shoes?
Alas our copy of Debrett’s does not offer guidance on this particular matter. As in all these times when the great bastion of British manners leaves us high and dry, the best reserve option of course is to crowd-source the answer from Team AMT. Readers, go to the comments and instruct Harriet on how to behave correctly if and when this situation arises again. Also we’re sure that tips for getting the smell of piss out of sandals would be greatly appreciated too.
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Answer Me This! Podcast 
June 1, 2011 at 6:04 pm |
Once, in a communal shower at a swimming baths, I noticed the water flowing into the drain by my foot turning quite amber. I followed the amber flow and saw that it was coming from the foot of woman standing next to me. Interestingly the flow continued in a sort of helter-skelter up her leg.
In that situation I felt it best to let things go – as did she presumably.
June 1, 2011 at 11:32 am |
First thing? Wash your foot in the sink of the nearest public convenience. Similar situation happened to me at my 21st birthday party.
One of my “friends” got so drunk that she pissed herself onto my sandalled foot. She tried to pass this off as her spilling her drink (a WKD blue – classy bird) until I pointed out that a) it wasn’t blue and b) she’d been saying how much she needed a wee until 2 mins before. If she’d apologised, I’d have accepted it and never said another word about it to anyone. However, she is still trying to brazen it out as a spilt drink. Therefore, I have told everyone I know (and now anyone that reads this) the story of how I was pissed on on my 21st birthday.
June 1, 2011 at 9:37 am |
You should say this:
“Sir! Your behaviour is unacceptable! Take yourself to a public convenience and perform your ablutions in the appropriate privacy!”
Actually I don’t know what’s the right thing to say, but I’m pretty sure that whatever it is it will be the better for being prefaced by the exclamation “Sir!”. Like the letters in the Times.
June 1, 2011 at 1:45 am |
My advice would be to simply to shuffle aside once you noticed that he was urinating all over you. Glance at his face. If he looks somewhat remorseful or embarrassed, give him a polite (but unenthusiastic) smile as if to say “I understand your embarrassment, but I still despise you”.
On the other hand, if he looks particularly smug or happy about pissing on you, berate him to your heart’s content — tell him that you have grounds for a common law trespass suit, that he’s a filthy old man, and that he should be ashamed.
Overall I would say don’t be standing so close to incontinent old men in the first place. As an Australian who has never been outside his own insignificant country, let alone to England, I have no way of knowing the size of a lift in a tube station. I would assume that as you said “only the two of us” there was probably enough space for you to stand a little bit apart from each other in the lift.