** Click here for Episode 110 **
Melvyn in Brighton has a problem which we certainly share, so we’re all hoping that some of you have the solution. Melvyn writes:
Please could you answer me this: do you have any funny/witty suggestions that I could write in birthday cards that are circulated around the office? I get on with everybody but not great mates. I’m getting fed up writing the same thing, Happy Birthday, have a good one or Happy Birthday, have a great day! Etc etc.
We’ve all been there, right? It’s upsetting how flimsy one’s imagination proves to be when faced with a blank corner of a workplace card. So please comment below with suggestions that everyone can recycle. And if you don’t come up with the goods, we suggest Melvyn takes to signing the cards in his own blood; even the blandest sentiment can be jazzed up in this manner.
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Answer Me This! Podcast 
October 5, 2009 at 9:40 pm |
The old classic, but not very funny, is to become “confused” as to the occasion: “Sorry to hear you’re leaving, perhaps it’s just as well after the incident” on a birthday card. “Here’s hoping you get a few more months than the doctor said” etc.
Or you could just be very rude (get your cues from @swearynews of you like !)
October 5, 2009 at 12:17 am |
How about:
Well done! You may now be halfway through your life! (then again you could always die tommorrow of course). Now heres a subscription to WoW to waste the other half on.
you dont need to include a WoW membership, but it would help.
October 2, 2009 at 5:41 pm |
Try:
Jesus love you. Everyone else thinks you’re a cunt
October 1, 2009 at 2:20 pm |
go for the simple ”I had this card shoved in my face to write you something. I don’t know what to write/I don’t really know you. happy Bithday
October 1, 2009 at 1:42 pm |
One of the most annoying thigs about office birthday cards is that you get no warning.
I would like at least an hour warning so I can construct the perfect greeting / comment thing. Tailored to the recipients personality and inkeeping with the relationship between us. Usually something straddling the boundaries of humour and horrifyingly insulting. The hinterland of good and bad taste.
I usually put “All the Best”
October 1, 2009 at 1:22 pm |
I will share with you…
“Congratulations! May it be the first of many.”
I’ve found this works for pretty much everything. Birthdays, pregnancy, weddings, etc.
October 1, 2009 at 1:05 pm |
I used to work at an ad agency where every card that went round always had ‘FUCK OFF’ signed Martin written in it. As far as I know, there was nobody called Martin in the company. Where was MtSM working in the late nineties?
October 1, 2009 at 12:41 pm |
If I know their age, I tend to go for “Oh, 25! Halfway to 50!” or some other arbritary mathematical fact.
If you don’t know their age, just make it up. “Happy 40th birthday!” works well for any age.
October 1, 2009 at 11:19 am |
A big jizzy cock…. I’m pretty sure Martin might say that 😛
November 4, 2009 at 12:17 am |
I think “jizz flappers is more martins style
October 1, 2009 at 11:08 am |
As you slide down the bannister of life, may all the splinters be facing the right way.
October 1, 2009 at 9:48 am |
Actually, I’ve remembered one I was please with. On a colleagues 34th birthday I wrote:
“Congrats – you’ve lived longer than Christ did after two attempts. Judged purely on a numerical basis you’re better than him.”
I hesitated writing this in the card, thinking people may be offended. And then figured any offence that may be caused would be outweighed by the benefit to my well-being of avoiding writing “Best wishes” again.
October 1, 2009 at 9:44 am |
A good question. I’m keen to see the responses. I normally just do “Best wishes” but feel like it saps a bit of my soul every time I write something so bland. I’ve gone for short “witty” poems for people I know well.
Occasionally just write something that makes no sense (since I’m sure few people actually read the comments) such as “I guess now there’ll be no opportunity for the lions!” I’ve not had anyone ask me what I meant when I’ve written these, so either I’m right and no one reads them, or people are just staying away.