Distraught Britain demands answers!


* Click here to listen to EPISODE 14 *

It’s the question on everyone’s lips. Well, not quite everyone – mainly the lips of the This Morning royal stalker James Whittaker, old ladies and readers of Hello! Magazine. And also, as it turns out, listener Mark:

What is the real reason for the untimely breakup of William Windsor and Kate Middleton? Is it because they kept putting cameras up her skirt?

I have not been this upset since Busted.

Oh Mark. Are you upset because you’d invested all your savings in the Woolworths’ Wills’n’Kate wedding souvenir range? Surely, any couple in their early-mid-20s would find that level of premature wedding-commemoration rather too much pressure on their relationship, but particularly when coupled with Hello! frenziedly announcing each week: “Look, they’re SMILING! He’s bound to propose ANY DAY NOW! She’s got a HEART-SHAPED KEYRING! Because he’s GOING TO PROPOSE!”

But I think the real reason for their split, Mark, is that with every passing day Prince William looks more and more like the Jabberwocky. And if that’s the case when he’s 24, in twenty years’ time it would be like waking up next to an industrial mincer.

Love can only conquer so much.

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